She Is the Sunlight
by Loving-her-is-heartache-for-me
Summary: Jade and Tori have finally tied the knot. It's their wedding day and after fleeing to Puerto Rico for the honeymoon of their dreams, neither of them can remember a time they felt happier. But what led them to this point in time, isn't such a sunny story. Tori reflects on the last ten years by reliving them through her journal. Jori Romance/ Bade&Bori Friendship. TW:Eating Disorders
1. Chapter 1

**Hi :) How are you all doing?**

**Thanks for opening up this story. Before I start I'd like to give a little trigger warning. This story is going to heavily involve eating disorders, bulimia and anorexia. The last thing I want to do is to trigger anyone and I will be doing my absolute uttermost to not give tips. This is a story about ****recovery and love and how sometimes we need to love ourselves before we can love someone else.**

**This story will be in Tori's POV and it will be in a diary-style. (I might add a couple of present day Jade i'm not sure yet.) This first chapter is 2021 and it's Jade and Tori's wedding day but the majority of the story will be set in 2011 back when the victorious gang were 17. I will occasionally jump forwards to 2021 to relieve us of some of the angst that is about to unfold and to remind us that EVERYONE can recover from a mental illness and life can get better. So pay attention to the dates please :P**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/28/2021.

If I had to tell you a day in my life that I felt happier than I do right now, I would probably struggle immensely to come up with one. Perhaps the only the day that could even come close would be the day she got down on one knee, the brightest smile on her face, glimmer of a tear in her eye and proposed. Today I officially married the love of my life. I am married to the love of my life.

Jade is perfect for me. I know a lot of newlyweds say this but I really honestly believe it's true. We're opposites but somehow we fit. And when I made that vow this morning to protect her and love her, I meant it with every fibre of my meaning. And I will keep those vows for the rest of my life.

To be honest, we didn't even need to get married to know we meant our vows. We're 27 years old, we've been living together since Jade turned 23 and our relationship is completely steady. We live together in a big, beautiful, slightly bohemian style house in the Hollywood Hills and we both have amazing jobs in the industry we grew up in and always loved. I achieved my dream of finally becoming a world famous pop singer and Jade writes and directs movies. You could say - we made it.

But if anyone even tried to argue with me that our lives up to this point were easy I would probably have to hit them over the head with something very hard, except I know I wouldn't have to do that because Jade would be there ten times faster - most likely with scissors.

In fact I don't even know how I'm getting away with writing this because my beautiful wife already warned me that if I dare spend any of our honeymoon writing in this stupid journal of mine then she'd pull the scissors out. But luckily she's sleeping like a baby. I like to think as a result of the epic thrice in a row multiple orgasm I bestowed her with before (I'm not bragging or anything, but when it comes to Jade West I know what I'm doing.)

We're honeymooning in Puerto Rico in a luxury villa on a private beach, completely secluded from everyone. The scent of sand, chocolate and Jade's factor 50 suncream is filling the air and I can feel my heart melting every few minutes just overwhelmed by how beautiful the woman asleep next to me is.

So today was perfect. I always said I didn't need to get married. It's a stupid, archaic tradition that, lets be honest, has not always been very welcoming to same-sex couples. But when I saw Jade in that navy blue wedding dress and her long dark hair tousled down her back, I knew I wouldn't regret our decision to get married for a second.

The ceremony was small but it was just enough for us. There were very few guests invited to the wedding itself the majority being made up of our families and of course Andre, Cat and Robbie - along with their two year old son, Beck and his wife. Despite what many people would think, Jade and Beck are still incredibly close. They've known each other since childhood and they're still best friends. And actually after everything we've been through, I'd like to think of Beck as one of my best friends too. Like I said.. the years leading up to this point have not been easy and Beck has been a rock in both of our lives.

We got married in a serene secluded corner of Elsaridge park near our old school. We've spent a lot of time there over the years and it means a lot to both of us. The weather was warm but the cool breeze that ran through the trees and made them rustle and slightly blow our hair around only added to the atmosphere. We took photographs and had lunch with the guests and then Jade and I escaped to catch our plane. The moment was a complete blur of happiness, emotion and above all love.

We loved every single one of those guests, even Jade's Stepmother who Jade will insist she hates but in reality, she's got a soft spot for the blonde bimbo. And thankfully because we knew everyone so well the one question that most couples enjoy to answer. _How did you two first get together? _Did not come up.

But it got me thinking, when we were on the plane. That maybe we should talk about our story. About the dark times. There was a point in both our lives we thought we'd never make it and not because we didn't want to be together, I've never fallen out of love with Jade. But her story is a little more complicated than mine. And although my story intertwines with hers, I could never imagine how she felt, I don't want to know how she felt. But I know how I felt and I have the story right here in my hand.

So with my left hand running through Jade's tousled hair, both of us happier than ever before. I will tell you this story. I will warn you now that this is not a happy story. Okay there's a happy ending, we get here don't we? This is the happy ever after. But getting here was the hardest thing we as a couple had to go through. Jade as a person had to go through. It's not a happy story. But it's one that I think should be told.

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**Would you like to know the story? Let me know..**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! Thanks for showing interest in this story :) I'll try to update as often as I can but I have 3 other unfinished stories at the moment so I can't promise regular updates just yet but your reviews motivated me to post this so thank you for those! Just to mention, this story is somewhat canon up until TWC and then everything changes from that episode onwards. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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03/22/2011.

Hi Journal! I know I haven't written in a while but a LOT of stuff has been happening in my life! First of all I'll start with the new Pearphone XT. Guess who owns one? Moi! It is by far the most high tech phone I've ever owned. It's cooler than my old Pearpad and Pearphone combined! And I still have the talking Reggie app.

Secondly I would like to inform you that I have officially sang on international television! It was the most exhilarating night of my life and Mason Thornsmith sort of maybe gave me a recording contract! I'm not going to lie Mason is a bit.. unusual. Okay he's crazy! But he's a leading pop music producer and there's a chance, if he likes my music that he'll make me into a star.

Another thing I should probably mention is the infamous break up. Honestly no one is really sure what happened with Beck and Jade. It seemed like they went from impassioned to miserable within the space of a couple of days. Neither of them took the split very well at first and both seemed as you'd expect - sad. But just last week Beck started dating someone new. Her name's Megan and she just started school here this semester. She's in the grade below us at school but I've spoken to her a couple of times and she's really cool.

Jade doesn't sit with us at lunch anymore. I'm not sure why or how she's doing or know much about her life at all. I just know that there's an unmistakable space lingering in our group. Of all the people I thought I might possibly miss, Jade West was definitely not top of my list. She made my life miserable for a year and even though it's been two years since we first met, I still feel bullied by her at times. Can you blame me for feeling slightly relieved she's not around?

But then again Jade's not all bad. She has her moments where she genuinely is a good friend. I kind of miss her, and her insults, and her scissor obsession. She keeps to herself in classes and changed out of any that she used to share with only Beck. A part of me wonders if she'll ever speak to us again.

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03/27/2011

So today was.. weird. I woke up, got showered and dressed as usual and then after eating a bowl of porridge for breakfast, I drove myself to school. I only just passed my driving test a couple of weeks ago so I'm still getting used to the freedom of having my own car and not having to go through the torture of having Trina drive me to school every day. So far though, I'm enjoying it.

Anyway I arrived at school and headed straight to my locker. It's kind of become the place where all of us meet up in frees or at lunch and the start of the day. It was still pretty early so I wasn't expecting to see our little red headed friend standing in the corridor looking anxious.

"Hey Cat."

"Hi." Cat sighed, glancing behind her nervously.

"What's going on? You're acting kooky." I quizzed her.

"No I'm not! I'm just really excited for school - yay!" Cat added unenthusiastically.

"So what's really up?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I think Jadey's having a baby!" Cat squeaked, covering her mouth quickly with her hands as though she'd let out a big secret.

"What?!" I instantly replied in shock. "Why would you think that?"

"I was walking into school on Monday and I came in early for my art project and Jade was here being sick in the toilet" Cat admitted, looking extremely nervous. "I came in early today too and she was there again. I think she's got morning sickness."

"That's a pretty crazy conclusion to jump to Cat.." I replied skeptically.

"Then why would she threaten to chop the head of Mr. Longneck if I told anyone about it? Oh no Mr. Longneck! Oh no.. I need to find him quick before she does!" Cat quickly scurried away.

I didn't take Cat's suggestion seriously at first. I thought it was just her overreacting and seeing things that weren't really there but in Math I noticed Jade lightly cupping her stomach with her palm and I began to get suspicious. Jade did seem paler lately and she had dark circles under her eyes. If she really was pregnant, It would explain why she was avoiding Beck as desperately as she was.

I realised if what Cat and now I suspected was true.. Jade might not have anyone to talk to about this. And despite my better instincts, my inability not to care and look out for people got the better of me and I found myself catching her wrist at the end of class, pulling her aside.

"I'm just going to come right out and ask.. Are you pregnant?" I exhaled in one long breath.

"What?!" Jade's eyes widened.

"Well are you?" I pushed for the truth. Jade looked at me for a couple of seconds with a questioning look and an element of humour crossing her features.

"No!" Jade spluttered out a laugh, whilst simultaneously shaking her head and furrowing her eyebrows, "Why would you think that?!"

"Cat said she saw you throw up and we just.. assumed." It dawned on me just how stupid the suggestion had been. Jade seemed to think so too and was glaring at me.

"My breakfast didn't agree with me." Jade said firmly.

"Right, of course, sorry I should have learned not to listen to Cat's crazy ideas by now." I blushed feeling embarrassed.

"Trust me, Beck and I haven't had sex in months. That is definitely not anything to worry about." Jade informed me.

"Oh right." Somehow I found myself blushing even harder at this revelation. Beck and Jade had only been broken up about 8 weeks so this at least proved the break up wasn't as sudden as we all thought. I couldn't help but think we should have guessed this too. Beck and Jade were good actors. No one could have guessed they were having problems until the last couple of days.

"Anything else?" Jade tapped her foot impatiently.

"Why don't you sit with us at lunch today? It's not the same without you." I tried my luck. Jade's face immediately fell and she looked uncomfortable with my offer.

"No." Jade rejected my offer and immediately left. I watched after her as she walked away, her cobalt blue highlights bouncing gently in her natural curls and I felt.. disheartened.

I don't know why I felt such an overwhelming sense of disappointment that she didn't want to sit with me. It's not like she'd ever wanted to before, so why would she start now? I guess for some reason, I really do miss her. I'm just not sure how I could even begin to get her back. She seems pretty lonely actually and she looked shocked more than anything when I started talking to her today. Maybe she just needs someone to show her a little friendship and she'll sit with us again. And maybe I'm not going to be her first choice.. but where's the harm in trying?

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**Review if you like :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so so much to everyone who's followed, favourited, and especially to anyone who's reviewed :D I actually have 90% of this story written after getting a sudden burst of inspiration last night. It's going to be looooooonggg like at least 40 chapters so I need to edit and stuff but I will attempt to do the daily updates thing IF you guys keep reviewing and showing interest :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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04/05/2011

So today I finally found out where Jade's been hiding herself at lunch. I just so happened to be let out late from my R&B vocals class third period - no I wasn't in trouble just Laura wants me to perform at the open day again. But anyway I was coming out of the classroom and thats when I saw an unusual sight. Jade was walking down the corridor in what looked like gym gear.

And okay what I'm about to confess is a little creepy but I was intrigued.. so I followed her. Being the oh-so-sporty person I am I had no idea where we were going until she entered through a door near the dance hall that said Fitness Suite on it. Before today, I didn't even know that Hollywood Arts had one of those and apparently not many of the other students know either because there were only two other people there besides Jade.

I watched Jade exercising on the treadmill through the small circular window in the door for about fifteen minutes before I suddenly came to my senses and realised how creepy I was being. When did I become so obsessed with her anyway? Why do I care what Jade is doing at lunch?

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04/06/2011

It's official, I am the biggest creep in the world. Beck and Andre were having a boring old argument at lunch about some pearpad app so I told them I had something to do and hastily left - but I lied, I didn't have anything to do. I found myself wandering back to the school gym and staring at Jade again. Today she was cycling and her legs were spinning round so fast I seriously wondered how she was even still on the thing. Once again there were hardly any people there but it seemed as though Jade had isolated herself to the corner anyway. I watched until ten minutes before the end when suddenly, before I had time to hide myself, Jade jumped off the bike and turned to face the door. I knew she'd seen me because she looked furious.

"Why are you spying on me?!" Jade swung open the gym door and hissed in my face.

"I— I'm not. I was just.." I stammered quickly.

"Save it!" Jade snapped, storming past me

So yeah. I'm officially a creep and I've pushed Jade even further away. Points to Tori for being a pervy moron. Anyway, I think I'm going to keep my distance from Jade for a while and hold off of the creepiness. Seriously what has got into me?

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04/13/2011

Ok I'm officially worried. I know I said a week ago that I'd stop with the creepiness and I have.. somewhat. But I've realised that Jade doesn't just go to the gym at lunch, she goes every morning before class starts too. I've figured this out by simply watching her closely and walking past the fitness suite often enough. It feels like every time I glance inside she's there again.

I mean, I suppose there's nothing wrong with exercising and trying to get fit. It's healthy even. But it's just so out of character, I don't know.. something feels off about it. I want to talk to her but she's still mad at me for spying on her last week.

Today in Drama, Sikowitz called Jade, Cat and Robbie up onto the stage to perform a scence. It's the first time I've really had the chance to look at her properly in weeks and I'm going to come off creepy again by saying this, but Jade has always had curves. Like in a good way... Alright she's hot, Jeese! But today when she stood up on that stage next to Robbie and Cat, she looked all skinny and straight. She still looked pretty of course, Jade always looks pretty. But it's just something I noticed. She's lost weight. A lot of weight.

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04/16/2011

After dwelling over everything that's happened recently I decided that maybe I was overreacting a little bit last week. So what if Jade's lost weight? She can do what she wants— it's her body. I remembered what I promised myself last week that I would try to do. Get closer to her. So since she was evidently not going to talk to me in class.. or at lunch.. or any other time. I decided the best thing to do would be to talk to her where I knew she was definitely going to be.

"Hey." I greeted Jade casually. Appropriately clad in a pair of Trina's gym clothes, I stepped onto the treadmill next to her.

"Why— Are you— Here?" Jade panted, her face red as she ran up a particularly steep slope in hill-mode.

"I just though I'd get some exercise. Check this place out. I've never been." I performed my fully rehearsed speech. "Actually I was checking it out a few weeks ago when you saw me. That's why I was looking in the window— to check it out."

"Of course you were." Jade replied obviously not falling for it. Luckily she was too out of breath to argue back any further and I quickly started up my own treadmill.

"How have you been?" I dared to ask. Jade glanced at me suspiciously and I smiled as honestly as I could. I really just wanted to know.

"Well I'm not pregnant if that's why your here." My face fell. Was she ever going to drop her guard?

"Jade. I just want to be your friend. I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye but I do miss you, you know?" I turned the speed down on my treadmill to a slow jog, Jade did the same but continued to keep the slope high.

"You want to be my friend?" Jade said the words as though they were foreign. For the first time in months not sounding hostile.

"Uh-huh." I replied simply. Jade turned her head and looked at me and once again I saw that deep lonely look cross her features. Even I felt the sting of the cold air she'd had floating around her recently.

"Ok." Jade turned back to face the front. I couldn't hold back the wide smile that crossed my face at that one simple little word. On the one hand, a part of me wondered just how lonely she must be to accept being my friend so quickly. From past experience, I expected a much longer and harder fight. The other part of me was doing cartwheels in my stomach. Jade was my friend.

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**What do you think so far? :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Tori finds out a little more than she wants to know about Jade in this chapter. Thanks for the reviews guys :) xx**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**  


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04/27/2011

So I've been joining Jade in the gym at lunch for over a week now. I never thought I'd actually enjoy exercising but somehow I am. I mean it's probably not the exercise itself that I'm enjoying, but I like that it's something Jade and I do together - just us. Jade is always there before me so I usually just join in on her routine and whatever equipment she's on - I take the same.

To be honest Jade completely ignores me when I talk to her in the gym. Preferring to focus on her work-out she promptly tells me to shut up if I even attempt a conversation. But once our gym session end, we head down to the locker room to change and sometimes she opens up to me. I found out a couple of days ago that her Father is a millionaire. She said it so casually like it wasn't even a big deal and with a large pinch of distaste.

Today we both had a free period straight after our work-out, so feeling confident I decided to invite Jade out for coffee. It's not exactly a secret that Jade loves coffee so I was fairly sure she'd accept, but as soon as the words came out of my mouth Jade looked at me with the most suspicious look I've ever seen.

"You want to go for coffee?" Jade furrowed her eyebrows.

"Sure, why not?" I chose my words carefully, having no idea what her reaction meant. Jade frowned again and I could tell she was analysing my every move for a motive.

"Where from?" Jade asked eventually.

"We could just go to the Asphalt." I shrugged.

"No." Jade declined, stepping away. Ok the canteen was probably a bad choice since she's been avoiding as though it were rat-infested lately. Jade even grabbed her bag and took a couple of steps away but I quickly reached for her wrist pulling her back.

"Starbucks then?" I tried one last time.

"You're relentless." Jade grumbled.

"I do try." I smirked watching as she properly contemplated the offer.

"Fine." Jade smiled slightly "But I'm driving."

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04/28/2011

So yesterday at Starbucks went interestingly. Jade and I sat in a booth near the back of the coffee shop and we talked. We talked more than I think we've ever talked before about everything and anything. By the end of our spontaneous little coffee date Jade was smiling, something I haven't seen her do in the longest time.

I even got her to talk about Beck. She told me how their Mother's became best friends in college, so her and Beck had basically grew up together. They were in the same class in middle school, auditioned to Hollywood Arts together and spent almost every day in each others company for the best part of her life. If a glimmer of sadness crossed her features it was only for a second and she covered it up quickly. I guess it's only human she still feels sad about losing a lifelong friend - i know I would.

I'm not jealous that Beck and Jade have this long history together. Okay fine maybe just a little. It's stupid because they're obviously not on good terms at the moment. They barely acknowledge each other's existence and Beck has a new girlfriend. It's not like Jade's my girlfriend or anything.. There's absolutely _no_ reason to be jealous.

But it was after she told me that story and I sat watching her stir her coffee in thoughtful silence that it hit me all at once. I'm falling for her. Hard. I don't know how or when this happened because I feel like I completely skipped the crush stage. Maybe I've just always had a crush on her but never admitted it to myself before today— I don't know. I just know that my feelings for her are stronger than any I've felt for anyone before. I don't know what to do.

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05/01/2011

Jade is getting skinnier and skinnier, to the point that it's not just me who's noticing anymore. Trina came up to her in the corridor the other day and asked her for weight loss tips. Even Andre complemented her new slim frame in Music this afternoon. The whole thing made me shudder. No I'm not jealous again I just think she needs to stop losing weight now. She's already lost by far enough.

With Jade's weight loss on my mind it suddenly occurred to me that I almost never see Jade eat. She's always been extremely picky about food and she's definitely more of a salad person than a hamburger person but recently I swear she doesn't eat. The thought made my skin turn cold. She is always in the gym before me so there's no way she manages to eat lunch. She comes into school early and is caught throwing up - twice. I just really hope this isn't what I think it is.

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05/04/2011

Putting aside whatever feelings I may or may not have for Jade, I'm really starting to worry about her. I know I said I was going to reign in on the creepiness but I needed to confirm my suspicions before I went and said something stupid like the last time when I accused her of being pregnant.

Instead of staying until the end of my history class, I left a few minutes early and went to stand in the music corridor where I knew Jade was doing singing lessons. I peeked through the window to make sure she was there and then waited, standing inconspicuously at the side. When the bell rang for lunch, I hid myself in the instrument cupboard and waited for her to come out and as soon as she did, I followed her. She headed first to the locker room and put on her gym clothes, I know. I turned away when she changed because I'm not that much of creep! but I looked again just in time to see her taking two pills. I followed her out of the locker room, every single molecule in my body hoping she'd stop at the tuck shop for at least an apple or something but she didn't. She went straight to the fitness suite.

Running back to the locker room I quickly ate half the sandwich I'd brought for lunch, leaving half in case.. well in case Jade wanted it. Then changed into my gym gear and crossed the corridor to the fitness suite. Jade was on the cross-trainer today and she smiled at me briefly when I stepped onto the one next to her.

"Hey" Jade greeted me first. "Want a race?"

"Umm yeah sure" I replied still nervously trying to find a way to approach her about what I'd just seen.

"Last to 10 miles has to buy the other coffee." Jade explained her rules, resetting her cross trainer so that the milage said zero.

"3.. 2.. 1.. GO!" Jade counted us down and immediately started sprinting. I moved my legs as fast as I could to try and keep pace but she was obviously way more motivated than I was.

At the 5 mile mark Jade seemed to run out of steam and she took a breather. She took several big gulps from her water bottle and wiped the sweat from her forehead. I watched her from the corner of my eye with worry. Her hands were trembling and her eyes looked glazed over.

"Are you okay?" I asked, slowing down to walking pace.

"Yeah fine I just felt a bit dizzy." Jade confessed.

"Maybe we should stop." I suggested with alarm. No wonder she felt dizzy if she hadn't eaten anything.

"No I'm good" Jade jumped back on the cross trainer and continued her work out. My pulse was racing and not just because I was exercising but I had this very real fear that she could quite easily collapse.

"What did you have for lunch?" I asked as casually as I could.

"Autumn salad and couscous." Jade replied instantly. _Lie._

"It's just I didn't see you at Festus' truck." I urged her to continue, hoping she'd give me some sort of believable explanation.

"Yeah I ate in the locker room." Jade assured me. _Big lie. _

I'm not sure whether I did the right thing spying on her like that. I know she's not eating and potentially taking diet pills but I can't confront her about it because she was never supposed to know that I followed her in the first place. Honestly, I'm not sure whether I'm more upset that she lied to me or that she's doing this. All I'm sure about is that it's dangerous. Jade won our little cross trainer challenge so I'm buying her coffee on Monday. Maybe I'll have thought of something to say by then.

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**Review if you like :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for your reviews guys :) This ones a long one for obvious reasons and also because I didn't update Friday or Saturday so hopefully this makes up for it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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05/09/2011

It's been a week since I last wrote in this journal and honestly I haven't written because I'm not sure how I can put everything that's happened into words. I'm ashamed to admit I still haven't intervened with what Jade's been doing to herself at all. But after what happened today, I have to get this off my chest.

On Monday I took Jade for coffee like I promised and I swear I was going to confront her about not eating - but somehow my feelings for her got in the way. We had a really, _really_ nice time. We were holding hands, and touching and flirting. We sat in comfortable silence whilst she drew little patterns on my arm with her fingertip and it gave me chills. She even let me hug her goodbye. It doesn't sound like a big deal but Jade is so weird about physical contact so I must have done something right with her. It was going so well I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up the diet pills, or the excessive exercising. I realise now that I was being selfish.

Throughout the week Jade gradually got weaker. Tuesday afternoon she fell asleep in Sikowitz class, for which the wacky teacher thoroughly enjoyed taunting her for. And although I still met up with her in the gym at lunch, she was ending the sessions earlier and earlier and I could tell she was exhausted. But I still didn't say anything.

Cat, Jade, and I were selected a few months ago to be the singers in an important awards presentation school was holding tonight. Before the show even started, I noticed that Jade's dress was hanging off her body. We'd had our dresses made to fit us in April, but Jade's dress was evidently now at least two sizes too large for her and her dangerous weight loss was obvious.

The performance went well and I felt that familiar buzz of post performance adrenaline pulsing through me. It was only when I suddenly heard Cat screaming, _somebody help! _at the top of her voice that I realised something was wrong. A crowd was forming in the corridor just outside the black box and when I rushed over, I swear my heart stopped. Jade had collapsed.

The thing is, Jade came around again very quickly and before anyone had a chance to call an ambulance or go for help, she regained control of her body and the situation and terrified everybody away. I couldn't get to her in time but Cat told me that Jade drove herself home after this. But just seeing her out for those few seconds put everything into perspective for me. I need to confront her on this. Her health is more important than how she may or may not feel about me and my little crush.

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05/10/2011

I know! I know! I'm a terrible person for not talking to Jade already. It's just not that easy to bring this sort of thing up and finding the right words is impossible. But when I arrived at school this morning, the sound of something that hadn't been heard in the hallways of Hollywood Arts for a long time caught my attention. It was unmistakably a Beck and Jade argument.

"You cant do this to yourself!" Beck hissed at his ex-girlfriend.

"I can do what I want." she snapped back.

"You're making yourself sick. It's not normal to faint after you perform. You're starving yourself again.. aren't you?" Beck's words caught me attention, he'd asked the thing I'd been too much of wimp to ask her myself.

"Fuck off!" Jade faltered for a second before returning to her angry face, but in those few seconds she hadn't held it together Beck picked up on it and dragged his hands down his face exasperatedly.

"Oh my God! What are you trying to prove Jade!?" Beck yelled furiously grabbing her wrist.

"Leave me alone! We broke up! You don't get to tell me what I can and cant do anymore!" Jade yanked her arm out of his grip.

"I can when it comes to this!"

"No you can't!"

"I'm not the only one who's noticed Jade. Andre's noticed, Tori's noticed, even Cat's noticed!" Something in Beck's voice rung with me. He was worried and apparently he was aware that I was too.

Jade glared one of her most vicious looks then walked off leaving Beck stood there with a combination of rage and worry in his expression. At this point I decided to reveal myself from where I'd been hiding near the girls bathroom. I approached Beck as I normally would of a morning, desperate for more information about this. But the moment he saw me his demeanour changed completely. You wouldn't even think the conversation he and Jade had just had, had even occurred when he started discussing our drama theory homework. You wouldn't know that anything had happened.

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05/11/2011

Jade West is in my bed. And no you didn't read that wrong. She's tucked under my quilt, head on my pillow and cuddled up to one of my old stuffed toys. You may be wondering why I'm not completely ecstatic to have her here. I am.. in a way. She fell asleep here and I'm not about to make her move. I love the feeling of her curled into my side and her warm breath on my shoulder. I just wish she was here because she wanted to be and not because she just cried herself to sleep.

In class today Jade was being different. Sikowitz called her onto the stage and she refused, insisting she had a headache. I already stare at her in class so it wasn't unusual that I kept my eyes on her again. She seemed miserable and was trembling and it broke my heart to see the usually strong girl this torn up. When the bell rang, she peeled herself from her desk and walked unsteadily towards me.

"I'm not going to the gym this lunch." Jade informed me.

"Ok. Are you ok?" I asked concernedly. She had this look in her eye, an almost frantic appearance and I could tell she was in a hurry to get somewhere.

"Yeah I'm fine." Jade smiled the most fake smile I've ever seen. I know that I should have talked to her there and then but she caught me completely off guard and I could not read her behaviour for the life of me. Instead I let her walk away all the while, scolding myself for making excuses again.

It wasn't until the end of the day when I was passing the gym that I finally kicked myself up the ass. Out of habit I peered through the window and of course, she was there. She was the only person there. At this point I knew time was up. I was already involved in this and the only decent thing I could do was confront her about what I knew.

I opened the door to the fitness suite and locked it behind me so no one would burst in and interrupt this. Jade was running on the treadmill when I approached her and she looked in pain and exhausted. I couldn't believe I'd let this go on so long.

"Jade." I cleared my throat and announced myself. Jade flicked her eyes in my direction before returning to face the front.

"What?" Jade exhaled.

"Why are you here again?" I spoke sternly, not dissimilar to the way Beck had spoken to her before.

"Training." Jade replied.

"What are you training for Jade?" I asked in the same stern manner. A long silence filled the air between us as Jade just ignored me completely. I realised then that telling her off was not the way to go about this.

"Just stop." I said softly. Her breathing was so out of sync with her running and the colour was drastically draining from her cheeks and I knew I needed to stop her in the next couple of minutes or she'd collapse - again.

"Please, please listen to me." I begged "You need to stop. Jade, you're killing yourself!"

Her reaction to this was not what I expected. Jade inhaled a deep gasp of air and made a sound that was a combination between a sob and a scream. Alarmed I leant over and pressed the emergency stop button on her treadmill as she held her head in her hands and crumbled in front of me. I pulled her firmly off the machine and to my horror she practically flew off of it.

"Sorry! I didn't mean that, I'm sorry." I apologised immediately as she wailed in pain, holding the point on her arm I'd just pulled. I couldn't believe she was as weak as she was and she was crying in such a childlike and deeply hurt way. Gently I took her into my arms and hugged her.

She was panting in exhaustion and whimpering but she didn't push me away, in fact after a while I could feel her leaning on me as the tears on her face trickled down her cheeks and onto my shirt. I don't know how I was brave enough to do what I did next, but somehow I did and I will never forget the terror that filled me.

Slowly my fingers found the edge of Jades t-shirt and I peeled it upwards until her torso was exposed. She was still leaning against me so I couldn't see it but I didn't need to, I could feel it. Gently I ran my hands down her protruding ribcage to her shockingly tiny waist. It was too much for her when my hands rested on what were once her curvy hips and she pushed my hands off. The only word that came to my mind in that moment was bones.

"What are you doing to yourself?" I whispered, completely terrified for her.

"I don't know" she choked out, tears pouring down her cheeks she stared only at the floor, "Im fucked up."

There was nothing I could say so I just pulled her back into a hug and listened to her crying. "Im so fucked up." over and over.

"Baby." I found myself stroking her hair, wanting to do anything to comfort her right now. I just stood there and let her cry. I don't know how long we stood there for but I knew I wasn't letting go of her until her tears at least somewhat stopped.

"Lets go back to mine and we can fix this." I eventually pulled back, waiting for her to meet my eye.

"We cant." Jade replied, sounding completely hopeless.

"We can." I took tight hold of her hand. "I promise you we can."

After a completely silent drive to my house I took her inside and to my relief none of my family was in the living room. Jade had obvious red blotches on her face and mascara dripping down her cheeks so there would have been no way I could have got her upstairs without Trina or my Mother asking questions.

I showed Jade into my en suite so she could clean herself up a bit and when she came back she'd washed her face completely clean of makeup, something I'd never seen before. It made her look younger but not any less beautiful. There was something gentle and innocent about Jade's face without her usual thick layer of pale foundation and dark eye makeup.

Somehow between school and here Jade had already managed to build a wall between her and me and was completely closed off when I asked her about what just happened. The thing is getting her to talk wasn't at the top of my priorities right then. She kept closing her eyes as though she was struggling to keep them open and I could sense she was lightheaded. She needed food.

I went downstairs to the kitchen and cut two large slices of my Mom's homemade chocolate cake then brought it back up to my bedroom. I'll never forget the frightened look on Jade's face when she saw what I had in my hands.

"Before you get any ideas. I'm not eating that!" Jade said firmly.

"But my mom makes the best cake in the world." I insisted.

"No." Jade folded her arms defiantly.

"Why not?" I asked desperately.

"Because I'm not hungry." Jade snapped venomously.

"Jade you're starving, literally starving!" I pushed the plate near her.

"I'm not eating that!" Jade shouted angrily. Before I knew what was happening Jade had knocked the plate out of my hands and it the wall, tumbling to the ground with a loud smash.

"What was that?" Trina yelled from her bedroom across the hall. Jade immediately tensed and I knew I couldn't let Trina in here.

"Nothing!" I yelled back quickly "I'm just clumsy."

Jade was looking down at the mess she'd just made with the cake and she looked guilty and upset, as though she could easily cry about it.

"Sorry." Jade said quietly, releasing the breath she'd been holding onto. I bent down and picked up the remnants of the plate and cake and scooped it into the bin. Jade just watched me seemingly completely lost.

"It's ok, it was dumb of me to try and force you to eat. But Jade you are so weak right now, I need you to eat something for me. What will you eat?"

Jade bit her lip and looked down at her hands, twisting and playing with the rings that decorated her fingers.

"Fruit" Jade suggested quietly.

"Fruit." I repeated relieved "Ok. We can do fruit."

When I returned from the kitchen with two bowls of strawberries, Jade was lying down on my bed. I sat down next to her and brushed a strand of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She was acting nothing like the Jade I knew.

I put on some old children's show from the nineties whilst we sat and ate the strawberries. I tried to keep pace with her for some reason as I could see even from the corner of my eye that she was struggling to eat. She kept picking up strawberries with her fork and placing them on her lips and then back down in the bowl. Her behaviour was bizarre.

Almost an hour later, the show finished and Jade pushed the bowl of fruit that she'd barely touched aside. I did the same with my empty bowl and muted the tv turning to face her, to my surprise and sadness, she already had tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Jade I really wish you'd tell me what's going on. Why you aren't eating, why you're exercising so much." I told her in as gentle manner as I could. "But I can tell you're hurting. And if you don't think you can talk to me about it right now that's ok."

"I don't think I can talk about it right now." Jade whimpered. Her whole being was screaming for someone to hold her and hug her and make her feel safe, but I held back.

"That's ok but you have to tell me soon." I said softly. Jade nodded and looked down, sniffing and wiping her face with her palms. I watched her quietly for a moment unsure of my next move.

Instead of fighting my instincts anymore, I shuffled closer to Jade and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her cheek. It tasted of her tears and faintly of my bathroom soap. Jade saw this as a green light as such and I felt her snuggle against me, laying her head on my shoulder she whimpered.

"It's okay, just cry." I reassured her gently. She didn't need my encouragement as she sobbed painful, broken tears onto my shirt. I enclosed her tightly in my arms and laid us both down on my bed. Silently watching as the strongest girl I knew came completely undone.

She cried for around an hour before she fell asleep and I didn't let go of her frail body for another two. She was completely out. I found myself untying her boots and taking them off her feet, straightening out her skirt and removing the inordinate amount of rings from her fingers that just cannot be comfortable to sleep in. I noticed she had a couple of missed texts on her phone from her Dad so I sent a quick one back that she was sleeping at her friends and then tucked her into my bed. Even now at midnight as I write this, I can tell she's more tired than I've ever been. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her in the morning. I'm terrified for her.

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**Please review :(**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi guys :) This chapter is a flash forward chapter to Jade and Tori's honeymoon. It feels a bit random to me but these chapters are here for a purpose but tell me if you think they're just too random and don't fit in with the rest of the story. I have the next chapter already written and it goes back to the main story in 2011. I will post it as soon as I get some reviews for this one :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/29/2021.

One of the most unwonted things about being on your honeymoon is that life stops for a while. All the stresses of your job, your friends, your everything disappears and you are transported to a world where the only two things that matter are you and your lover.

The best thing about this is, this is absolutely what it's supposed to be about. You aren't required to do any crazy sightseeing tours, family-fun days, or even keep in contact with anyone. The whole vacation can be spent in bed if you wanted to and that would be perfectly acceptable. I have a feeling though that Puerto Rico will be too beautiful to miss.

I woke up this morning to the rich scent of coffee and Jade's homemade banana waffles wafting through the bedroom door. Our honeymoon package included a personal chef but Jade finds giving other people control over what she eats difficult to cope with and stresses her out, so we decided against it. I'm not complaining anyway because Jade knows all my favourites, coincidently my all-time favourite breakfast being the source of that delicious aroma.

"What's all this?" I wandered into the kitchen where Jade was stood at the counter, plating up her creation. She was dressed only in a silky black robe which made her look incredibly sexy as the fabric caressed her beautiful curves and left little to the imagination in the cleavage area. My teeth scratched along my bottom lip when she turned around and raised an eyebrow at me as though she knew what I was thinking. I smiled coyly, detaching my eyes from her body for a moment to look around the room and finally noticed the breakfast table in the corner. It had been decorated with a white lace cloth, roses and there were two steaming hot cups of coffee waiting for us.

"Well, it's our first day as a married couple so I thought I'd do something special." Jade placed the plates on the table before beckoning me forwards with her finger. I didn't need anymore persuasion than that and immediately went over to my wife. Her fingertips tugged on my hips as she pulled me towards her and kissed me hard. I lost track of how long our lips were crashing against each others for, but by the time she pulled back I was in a complete daze

"And after last night, I figured you'd be hungry." Jade winked when we finally caught out breath. She turned around and walked across the room to bend over the pearpod speaker and within seconds it was playing a playlist of romantic songs which we'd made together on the plane. I looked down at the beautiful breakfast spread she'd made stunned. It was completely out of character. She'd even arranged the banana slices into hearts.

"Who are you and what have you done with my Jade?" I found myself asking suspiciously.

"Shut up and just accept my attempt at being romantic." Jade smirked taking a seat at the table. I followed her lead and sat down opposite her, picking up my coffee mug to take a long, warm sip. We ate together in comfortable silence just enjoying our food and each others company. It was the perfect start to our marriage.

After breakfast we decided to go for a walk along the secluded beach. The sound of the waves crashing against the sand and the scent of tropical fruit filled the air. I was in heaven and just one look at the content expression Jade had on her face pushed me over the edge and after only ten minutes walking I found myself launching into Jades arms and kissing her again. Jade staggered backwards startled at my sudden eagerness but she kissed back just as fervently and we rolled around in the sand making out as though our lives depended on it.

"What are we, horny teenagers?" Jade asked. I laughed and kissed her again, and again and again. When we finally left the beach our lips were bruised and tingling but we were smiling like the cheesy lovers we pretend not to be.

Since we were both inevitably covered in sand, as soon as we got back to the villa we got in the shower. The feeling of the cool water splashing down my skin was a luxury after spending all morning in the hot sun and I closed my eyes letting the sound of the water jets hammering against our bodies completely numb me. When I opened them again, Jade was washing herself and I just stared at the soap suds as they dripped slowly down her breasts and then onto the floor and tried not to show how hot I was getting — again. After she'd washed herself she turned to me and without even giving me a choice began massaging my body with the soap. She positioned us so we were front to back, starting with my shoulders, rubbing them firmly until there was absolutely no tension left. Then she made her way down to my breasts. Even though I couldn't see her face I could tell she grinned when I released the satisfied moan that I'd been trying so hard to keep inside me. From this point onwards, I lost control of the sounds I was making as her hands slid down my stomach to my intimate area and massaged me until I came in waves of complete bliss.

I would be lying if I said we didn't spent the rest of the day naked in the villa. But like I said before, no one can judge us for it because we're on our honeymoon and being together is more important than what we do. Maybe tomorrow we'll be able to see more of the island but I wouldn't take today back for a second. Did I mention that I love Jade? I don't think I have recently. Well.. I love her. I heart wrenchingly, uncontrollably love her. I love her.

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**Like I said.. Chapter 7 is waiting for you :) Just let me know how I'm doing please! I've never written for Jori before so I'm scared this is all bad!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for your reviews! They mean a lot to me :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/12/2011

Jade slept for almost eighteen hours, which is a long time for anyone in any condition and by 11o'clock I was beginning to get concerned that she wouldn't actually wake up. Luckily within that hour she finally started to stir. It took her five minutes to properly return to the world but when she did, her consciousness seemed to come all at once.

"Shit. SHIT!" Jade sat up quickly, only just realising where she'd fallen asleep last night. Frantically she began rummaging around the bed sheets for her phone.

"It's okay. I texted your Dad to tell him your here, calm down!" I abandoned my laptop at my desk and came to sit next to the panicked looking girl in my bed.

"What the hell Tori! Why didn't you wake me up?" Jade exclaimed angrily.

"I think you know why. And don't think because you're back to being your usual self that I've forgotten about last night." I said sternly.

"Oh my Dad's going to kill me." Jade ran her hands through her hair, shaking her head, "I was supposed to take Charlie to his chess tournament last night. Oh my God."

"Jade seriously. If you'd gone anywhere else last night it would have been hospital. Do you even remember how weak you where before I got you into that bed?"

"No." Jade scowled.

"Well I do." I said coldly. It was annoying me that she was being so dismissive about this. She fell asleep, crying in my arms and now she was acting like nothing even happened. But I don't know why I'd expected anything else - this was Jade after all.

"What do you want for breakfast?" I sighed.

"I have to go home." Jade shook her head.

"No chance. You're not going anywhere without giving me some serious explanations. And you can get it out of your head right now that you're leaving here without eating something."

"I do what I want." Jade slipped her feet out of the bed and stood up. Grabbing her schoolbag from the side, she swung it over her shoulder and took two shaky steps in the direction of my bedroom door. I stood up to stop her but before she could even reach the handle, her eyes rolled back in her head. Her tiny body looked like a rag doll being dropped by a child as her own legs failed her.

"Jade!" I managed to catch her falling body before she hit the floor. She grasped my torso with what little strength she had left and tried desperately to get her eyes to focus.

"Lie down again." I said alarmed

"Hhhmmm." Jade moaned as I directed her back to my bed.

"You need to eat something." I said frightened that she'd so almost fainted.

"I'm fine!"

"No Jade you're really, really not!" I said with my eyes wide. I couldn't believe she was still arguing with me about this. She couldn't even stand. "Jade what is going on?"

"I'm tired." Jade buried her head in my pillow, closing her eyes.

"Jade. You've just slept for eighteen hours. I am _this_ close to phoning an ambulance, so if you don't tell me right now what's going on—" I shouted angrily.

"No please!" Jade sounded terrified at that suggestion. "I'll eat!"

"You'll eat?" I repeated skeptically. Jade nodded and sniffed loudly. Her face was still buried in the pillow but I could easily tell she was crying again. I stayed quiet for a minute, just taking her in like this. I'd never seen her so broken before.

"I'm going to go make some toast ok? I'll be five minutes." I found myself saying in a much gentler tone. Whatever angry front she was putting on at the moment, I needed to remember this Jade right now. The Jade who was vulnerable and easily hurt. I wasn't helping her by shouting at her or making her cry. Obviously she was going through some sort of eating disorder but if I wanted to know any more or help her in any way then I needed her to trust me.

When I returned to my bedroom Jade was sitting up and seemed to have pulled herself together somewhat. I handed her the plate of toast and Jade sighed before picking it up and taking a bite. I can not explain the feeling of relief that went through me that she ate. She didn't finish it but I could tell it gave her the boost of energy her body had been craving.

"What's going on Jade? Are you anorexic?" I voiced my main suspicion. Jade shook her head looking down at her fingers.

"It's pathetic." She croaked.

"I don't care how pathetic it is. You need to tell me what you've been doing." I said firmly. Jade just shook her head, her eyes wet, threatening to burst into tears again.

"You've not been eating." I prompted. Jade shook her head.

"And you're exercising excessively."

Jade shook her head again, "It's training."

"Training for what?" I frowned. Jade shrugged not looking me directly in the eye.

"How long has this been going on for?" I asked concerned. Once again Jade didn't answer, completely closing up.

"Is it since the breakup?" I guessed. A strange expression crossed Jades face, of horror and realisation and she slowly nodded. My heart broke for her as her breath caught in her throat and tears poured from her eyes like nothing I'd ever seen before. She was crying but it was different to the exhausted crying I'd seen last night, this was just sad. I wrapped my arms around her shaking frame and kissed her hair.

"I miss him so much." Jade spluttered.

"That's allowed Jade. It would be weird if you didn't." I assured her gently. "But this, starving yourself. That's not ok."

"I cried so much it made me sick. I missed him so bad I vomited daily, sometimes more. I lost 5lbs in a week." Jade explained.

"Oh Jade."

"And then.. He got with Megan. Then I made myself sick. It was punishment to my body for being a fat bitch who wasn't good enough for him." Jade said bitterly.

"How often?" I asked concerned. Jade shrugged.

"At first it was just sometimes and then every day and then every meal and then—"

"And then?"

"And then I _still_ wasn't good enough." Jade cried almost angrily. I was completely stunned and just sat there listening to her painful words, it physically hurt me to hear everything she'd been doing to hurt herself. A part of me felt furious that this whole thing was caused by Beck. He acted like the innocent one when this was going on behind closed doors.

"After a while I started puking up blood. The worst thing is I didn't even care. I just needed that empty feeling." Jade whispered.

"So you started starving." I concluded.

"Disgusting isn't it?" Jade wiped the tears away from her eyes. I was still completely heartbroken after hearing everything so brutally. I'd wanted to know what was going on, but I honestly wasn't prepared for hearing this.

"No." I shook my head, gulping back a cry and taking hold of her hand. "Disgusting wasn't one of the words I was thinking." Jade scoffed but squeezed my hand back.

"I just wanted to be slim and perfect and I thought if I looked like that then maybe Beck would love me again." she explained. "I've always been the fat girl. You and Cat are so slim and beautiful and then there's me, flabby and big hips and legs and boobs — I just wanted to be beautiful."

"You are beautiful Jade." I told her honestly, "And you were beautiful before all the starving and throwing up. You always have been.

"I just don't believe you." Jade whispered. Neither of us spoke for a while as I processed everything Jade had just confessed to me. I was completely taken aback how someone as stunning as Jade could sit there and tell me she wasn't beautiful. And the fact she still thought she was fat scared me, refusing to believe me when I told her how tiny she was. She obviously had a completely warped view.

"I'm going to prove to you that you are beautiful." I stood up and went over to my desk drawer. I pulled it open and found a bunch of photographs, most of them taken last year in the summer. I brought them back over to the bed and lay them out in front of Jade.

"Look at you! You have a gorgeous body, your hair is beautiful, you have a beautiful smile, your skin is flawless."

"I'm white as a ghost." Jade mumbled negatively.

"And it suits you!" I responded. "A lot of people just look ill with pale skin but somehow you look like Snow White!"

Through her tears Jade managed a small laugh, "Trust you to make a disney princess reference right now." I smiled and pushed a few stray curls off her face.

"And you have the prettiest eyes of anyone I've ever seen." I confessed. Jade exhaled and looked back at me vulnerably.

"Not as pretty as yours." Jade replied quietly. My stomach fluttered hearing that as my dark eyes met her teary blue ones. Our eyes were locked on each other for a long time and the only sound in my bedroom was of our breathing, as our lips lingered only inches apart. She was leaning in, I was leaning in, and my heart felt like it was simultaneously swelling and breaking. I wanted to kiss her so, so badly, but after everything she'd just confessed to me something held me back - it just felt wrong. But I wanted.. no _needed_ physical contact with her. So instead of pulling away I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her. Jade leant her head on my shoulder and I felt her release a tired breath. I stroked her back with the palm of my hand, hoping that somehow I'd given her comfort.

"I'm going to help you ok? You're not alone with this." I promised her. "No more throwing up, no more starving yourself or diet pills, no more crazy gym sessions. Will you do that for me?"

Jade looked down at the photographs of us and our friends, happy, laughing, singing and then glanced at her now bony forearms and minuscule waist. I held my breath waiting to hear her reply and when she did, a smile spread across my face. She only had to say one little word.

"Ok."

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**Review if you like :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for reviewing the last chapter! I know it was a bit heavy.. :P means a lot to hear your thoughts.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/13/2011.

I know I should have written in this journal yesterday after I took Jade home but I seriously just couldn't. If I had, then it would just have been a horrible mess of illegible words and smudged ink. I guess I should have expected what Jade's been doing to be graphic. I've known for a long time that she's been starving herself but hearing it from her own mouth made it real, and seeing her so weak made it dangerous.

After I finally got her to admit to me everything she's been doing to lose weight, she fell asleep again. I lay with her in dead silence, wrapping my arms around her and just feeling numb. I wanted to feel angry with her for doing this, and guilty for not intervening sooner but I was just too shocked.

There were so many strings of thoughts swirling around my head and I didn't know what I was supposed to do so I just lay there. It took all of my strength not to cry when I saw a bruise forming on her arm where I had pulled her off the treadmill. The lump in my throat was huge. This was not the same girl I had known for the past year and a half.

When she finally woke up, it was nearly 2pm. I managed to get her to eat another slice of toast and she was eventually able to get up without feeling light-headed and so I drove her home. I pulled up at her house and Jade exhaled, turning to face me.

"Thanks." She said quietly.

"It's okay. Go in, go take a bath and just eat something please." I replied anxiously. Jade nodded and gave me a hug. I felt a lump rising in my throat again, I don't know why. The moment she went inside I drove away but only for five minutes. I had to pull up a few streets away unable to see the road through my tears. I'm not even sure why I cried - I guess it was all just too much.

After I cried, I checked my phone and I already had three texts from Jade begging me to keep this a secret and assuring me she was going to eat properly. I decided that for now, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. It must have took her a lot to trust me with this, so I wasn't about to betray her by blabbing and potentially losing her trust altogether. Besides, she told me she doesn't have anorexia. She's just really upset about Beck. And given time, she'll get over him and get over these problems. This is a temporary thing. It has to be.

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05/16/2011

Its been five (difficult) days since Jade slept over at my house. I'm not walking around in paralysing fear that she could drop down dead anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. She's got some colour back in her cheeks and seems more herself at school and she's eating again.

I made her give me her gym card which seemed to annoy her a lot, but it makes me feel better that she literally cannot go. I also convinced her to sit with our friends at lunch again. Everyone seemed pleased that Jade was back with our group and even Beck smiled when she sat down next to me on Monday. I however, did not smile. I just don't feel like I can see Beck the same way I did before, not now I know he's the reason Jade started starving. Whenever he smiles at me or I hear him laugh, I feel angry. I'm trying not to let it show but I'm finding it hard not to roll my eyes at everything he says.

The one thing I didn't expect to come from all of this though is how Jade's been acting around me now. She's always been slightly hostile and freaks out when people touch her and I guess she's still that way, just not with me. Instead of the cold behaviour I've grown used to from her, she's constantly finding my hand when we're just sitting around, or leaning her head on my shoulder, or playing with my hair. It's unexpected but that doesn't mean I dislike it. I probably like it a bit too much, I like indulging her in it. If she holds my hand, I hold it back. If she leans her head on my shoulder, I never hesitate to wrap my arm around her waist. I like taking care of her and I guess, I feel like she needs a little more taking care of at the moment.

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05/22/2011

I guess things got better too quickly, or I deluded myself into thinking things had got better when they really hadn't at all. Today I caught Jade throwing up in the girls bathroom. I feel so stupid that I didn't even think that she might do that. I innocently went to the bathroom at the start of my English class and I realised there was someone being sick in one of the cubicles. I was about to call out and ask if they were ok when I noticed Jades bag sticking out of the gap in the door and my heart sunk. I stood next to the sinks, arms crossed waiting for her to finish and when she finally opened the cubicle door, I saw the realisation cross her face. She knew she'd been caught.

"Ugh don't eat the veggie burgers. I swear Festus puts something rotten in them." Jade didn't meet my eye as she crossed the room and started to wash her hands. I stared at her in disbelief

"Really?" I said skeptically.

"Yeah I think he gave me food poisoning." Jade continued.

"Drop the act Jade, you and I both know that's crap." I scolded.

"Why are you spying on me?" Jade suddenly became defensive.

"I was just going to the bathroom and then—"

"Well if you need the bathroom, go to the bathroom! Don't just stand and wait to make a fool out of me, there's such a thing as privacy!" Jade interrupted me, her words stinging me like poison.

"I'm not trying to make a fool out of you." I sighed.

"Then don't stand outside toilet cubicles when someones being sick, Jesus it's not exactly rocket science Tori!" Jade snapped.

"What?" I widened my eyes "But you're doing it on purpose!"

"Just stop spying on me!" Jade stormed out before I could even get another word in the conversation. I groaned loudly as she slammed the door closed. I felt like we'd taken one tiny step forwards and now, several steps back. I'm not taking my eye off her at school anymore. I'm going to be watching her like a hawk.

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05/23/2011

Aghhhhhhh! I'm more confused than I have ever been before. Today Beck finally had enough of me ignoring and scowling at him constantly and called me out on it. We were both at our lockers and Beck was trying to start a conversation with me about one of the senior plays. I brushed off nearly everything he said, still feeling pissed with him about the Jade situation but somehow he figured it out.

"Is this about Jade?" Beck said suddenly.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Tori you're supposed to be one of my close friends but you're acting like you barely even know me right now." Beck sounded hurt

"Why would you assume that's anything to do with Jade?" I asked him seriously.

"Because you've been hanging out with her a lot. I'm not stupid Tori. She's obviously said something to you to turn you against me." Beck frowned.

"She hasn't." I shook my head, closing my locker door.

"Then care to tell me what I've done to upset you?" Beck asked exasperatedly. I kept quiet, ignoring his question. I couldn't explain to him why I was mad with him without revealing everything Jades been doing and I wasn't about to go behind her back to her ex-boyfriend like that. But it turned out I didn't need to.

"How much weight has Jade lost this time?" Beck shrugged. My eyes widened.

"A lot." I said quietly.

"Oh God. Tori just talk to me please!" Beck practically pleaded.

"How do you know?" I asked shocked.

"How do I know?" Beck repeated. "Tori she might not be my girlfriend anymore but I know her better than anyone. Give me some credit."

"I'm so mad at right now" I shook my head.

"Why?" Beck asked.

"Because this is your fault!" I snapped angrily.

"How is it my fault?" Beck looked confused. I scoffed, typical Beck to deny having done anything wrong.

"Do I have to refresh your memory, you dated her for three years, dumped her, stopped speaking to her, started dating someone else after barely even a month! You drove her to this!" I yelled. Beck looked horrified.

"I'm hurting too. The break-up hurt me too!"

"Oh you're hurting? Just look at her Beck! She's barely even recognisable. How could you do this to her?" I found myself letting out all my anger on him.

"How could you even accuse me of this? I thought you were my friend." Beck seriously looked hurt, not that I cared, "You said it yourself, she was my girlfriend for 3 years! Don't even try to pretend I don't care about her."

"You can't care about her that much since you broke up with her." I snapped.

"We fell out of love with each other Tori." Beck said solemnly. I kept quiet for a moment taking in the seriousness of his tone. I could tell he cared, but it didn't excuse him from this. It wasn't like I wanted Beck and Jade to be together either. I just wanted him to fix the mess he'd made.

"I'm not saying date her.. I'm saying talk to her, stop her from doing this. I'm not sure you realise how serious this is." I said more calmly. The bell rang signalling end of the last period and I was ready to walk away, sick of hearing Beck's excuses but before I had the chance he'd grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the janitors closet.

"She's been like this for a long, long time Tori. You think I don't know? I've tried to help her snap out of it but she's been crazy about her food since she was 13." Beck whispered, anxiously peering out of the janitors closet.

"What?" I frowned. As far as I was aware, as far as Jade had told me. This only started a couple of months ago.

"Jade has issues about eating and her weight and she's really, really good at lying about it." Beck emphasised.

"No.. what? This is because of the breakup. This is directly caused because of the break up!" I argued.

"What exactly has she told you?" Beck sighed.

"She's been starving herself, throwing up meals, taking diet pills, exercising way too much." I listed everything I could think of. Beck shook his head, running a hand through his hair anxiously.

"Ok well the over-exercising is.. new. The rest she's done before." Beck sighed.

"Want to know why she's doing this?" I felt a sudden new surge of anger towards him.

"Why she _says_ she's doing this." Beck raised an eyebrow.

"She said she did it because she thought it would make you love her." I folded my arms, waiting for his reaction. It was not what I expected.

"I will always love Jade as a friend, but as a girlfriend.. we just aren't right for each other and she knows that." Beck sighed.

"Well.. that's what's making her do this." I glared.

"It's not Tori." Beck said firmly.

"Yes it is!" I raised my voice, thoroughly annoyed with him and everything he was saying. Why wouldn't he just accept responsibility for his actions? Beck looked angry at me too though and I could tell he'd had enough of arguing with me when he put his hands to the side, in a giving up notion.

"You know what? If it makes you feel better blame me. Blame me for the issues that she's had for years. But I'm not apologising for ending the relationship that made both of us miserable." And with that Beck walked out of the janitors closet leaving me there feeling infuriated.

I can't stop thinking about everything we talked about today. Beck did seem to know a lot more about this than I expected him to. I just don't want to believe that Jade lied to me that night. She seemed completely genuine when she told me Beck was the reason for all of this, but here he was telling me she'd done it all before. I just don't know who to believe.

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**First lesson Tori needs to learn about people with eating disorders.. they lie. I'm not sure Beck is completely innocent either though. Thoughts?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks to everyone who's reading and ****reviewing :) and hi to all the new readers! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/27/2011.

I caught Jade making herself sick again today. Sorry to be blunt about it but I'm just so upset. I really don't know what to do. We were eating lunch together with the gang, at our usual table in the Asphalt. I should have picked up on the fact that something was wrong straight away because Jade was unusually quiet. More worryingly though, her eating behaviour changed drastically. She usually picks at her food, barely letting bite size pieces pass her lips. It's infuriating to watch sometimes, because she puts food near her lips but not actually in her mouth. However today she was shovelling down large portions.

Towards the end of lunch, I finally realised something was up when Jade was still eating. She was on about her fourth bar of chocolate when without warning she got up and left. Beck frowned, catching my eye as I stood up to follow her.

"Tori." I heard Beck calling me back but I didn't listen. When I saw Jade run into the girls bathroom I already knew what was going to happen and I needed the proof to be able to confront her on it.

"Jade!" I knocked on the cubicle door hard, but she hadn't had time to lock it anyway. I stepped inside, and saw Jade crouched next to the toilet with her hands wrapped around her stomach and before I even had the chance to ask, she was heaving. I just stood at the side and tried not to watch, handing her a wad of toilet paper once she finally stopped being sick.

"Feel better?"

"Leave me alone." Jade whined, wiping her mouth with the paper.

"No." I replied nervously. "What did you do that for?"

"I felt sick. I needed to get it out." Jade moaned.

"Yeah you felt sick because you just ate triple the amount of food you needed!" I scolded angrily. Jade stood up, flushed the toilet and walked over to the sinks to clean herself up. Somehow she seemed calmer, more herself than she had done for the whole of lunch. It was as though she'd been eating in some sort of frenzy and now the food was gone, she was ok.

"You're shaking." I said concerned, pulling her into a hug. Jade wrapped her arms around my waist and we just stood there for a while holding each other. Jade was literally trembling after what she'd just done to herself and even though I felt better that she was in my arms, I was scared for her.

"Promise me you wont do that again." I seethed, grabbing her wrists so she was forced to look at me, "Promise me!" Jade looked at me, her eyes seeming completely detached and cold. I couldn't read her expression. I was horrified but she seemed content.

"I don't make promises that I cant keep." Jade said simply. My heart sunk as she left the bathroom, barely affected by what she'd just done.

Maybe Jade doesn't care but it's all I can think about. She already told me she's been sick blood before and I can believe it after what I saw this afternoon. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to worry that maybe Beck was right. I just can't keep this to myself anymore. She needs professional help.

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05/30/2011.

I've been on the internet every night since last Thursday trying to find any advise on what to do if someone you know has an eating disorder. But the websites all say the same thing, offer compassion and support, the person with the eating disorder has to decide to get better, never get angry - none of this helps! Instead I found myself sprawled out on Andre's bed confessing everything to him

"—And she told me this started only a couple of months ago but Beck told me it's been going on longer. I don't know if Beck's just saying this to make him look less bad or if Jade lied to me." I finished my rant to Andre who had a guilty look on his face.

"You know something?" I sat up, analysing his expression.

"It's been going on a lot longer Tor." Andre confessed with a guilt-ridden sigh. "Beck spoke to me about this over a year ago."

"But I don't understand! Why would she lie to me? I asked her if it was because of the break up and she literally burst into tears." I still didn't want to believe she had lied, but the evidence was piling up against her.

"Denial maybe? Look I don't know much about it, but I do know she's never really believed she has a problem. How is she supposed to tell you the truth about something she doesn't believe exists?" Andre shrugged.

"I never thought about it that way." I frowned. "She seems to have stopped the starving but I've caught her, you know being sick a few times."

"Purging?" Andre asked.

"Huh?"

"She throws up her food on purpose right?"

"Yeah." I shuddered.

"Yeah thats called purging. It's an addiction. Beck told me he's seen her eat insane amounts of food before. She'll do it until she feels sick then throw everything back up." My heart sunk in my chest, that was exactly what had happened the other day.

"It's an addiction?" I asked.

"Definitely, and she's been doing it for years." Andre exclaimed.

"Why haven't any of you done something about this?" I felt angry. She'd been dealing with this for so long and no one had done a thing.

"I'm not supposed to know about it. Beck's the one who told me everything." Andre said defensively.

"Im just.. I'm so mad at Beck." I shook my head in annoyance.

"It's a serious mental health problem Tor. I know Beck has made mistakes but he's not to blame for it. Destructive behaviour like this has a deeper root and if the root of the problem isn't dealt with then the problem just keeps coming back." Andre explained. "Think about it, okay maybe what happened between her and Beck triggered this latest downfall but I highly doubt breaking up with her boyfriend is the real cause. You can't hold it against him. Thats not fair." Andre continued.

I frowned. Deep down I knew Beck wasn't to blame but it was easier to have someone to be angry at than to be clueless. Beck should have done more to help Jade, and since he obviously knew all about this, he should have been a lot more careful with the breakup. But it really wasn't fair to blame everything on him. I realised then that I owed Beck an apology.

"I just wish there was something I could that would actually make a difference" I sighed, staring off into space.

"You like her." Andre raised an eyebrow. My cheeks immediately blushed red and Andre nudged my shoulder.

"I'm helping her with her eating disorder!" I insisted.

"Yeah but you like her." Andre laughed.

"Shut up!" I groaned, feeling my cheeks burn. I left Andre's house shortly after this not in the mood for his little smirks and comments. I don't think I could have been any more obvious if I tried. So what I like her.. She's beautiful and when she's not on the furious defensive,9 she's actually really sweet. Oh god.. maybe I have it worse than I thought.

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**I already have the next chapter written and it's finally got some actual Jori love in it :) I'm excited for you guys to read it! So please review and I'll post Chapter 10 in the next few hours. x x x**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for all the reviews and follows and everything. I love hearing your thoughts and predictions and everything. I hope you like this chapter! x x **

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/07/2011.

Ok. I know these feelings I've developed for Jade are really badly timed, but I can't help it. I think about her all the time and it really doesn't help that she's constantly touching me or giving me flirty looks.

We go to Jet Brew almost every day together to just sit and talk. She rarely mentions the eating stuff.. although she did tell me on Wednesday that she'd gained 2lbs. I smiled and gave her a hug, but to be honest she didn't seem all that happy about it. I strongly suspect she's still purging. She's more careful now about hiding it but I've seen her stuffing food in her locker and it's not unusual for her to have a slight tremor in the early afternoon.

Another thing that's stressing me out is that Andre's been watching us like mad. Jade doesn't seem to care, as she literally just does what she wants. But having to explain to Andre how we're "just friends" after she held my hand for an entire hour in music was awkward.

A part of me is scared she's just being like this because she's craving the comfort of physical touch and that she really isn't interested in me at all. Another part of me is scared that if Beck turned around today and offered to take her back she'd fly right back into his arms and go back to hating me again. Having feelings for Jade is.. risky. I always knew it would be. But it's too late to go back.

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06/08/2011. 

For once I'm actually going to write something in this journal that isn't just pure angst about Jade. I mean it's still going to be all about Jade but something sort of.. amazing happened tonight.

After tossing and turning in bed for the last two days, I decided I needed to talk to Jade again. And no it wasn't supposed to go this way. I didn't plan it. I just wanted to talk to her about the eating disorder and the lies. And I did.. sort of.

Jades house is.. huge. It's in a really expensive neighbourhood almost an hours drive away from my house so that gave me enough time to think through everything I wanted to talk to her about. And by the time I'd parked my car outside, I had a plan in mind. However, the moment I rang the doorbell, that plan all fell to pieces.

"Who is it?" A child spoke through the intercom on the doorbell.

"Hi. It's Jades friend Tori.. from school." I replied.

"What do you want?" The child asked curiously.

"Is Jade in? I was wondering if I could come in and see her." I continued, feeling slightly dumb talking through the speaker like this.

"Yeah sure. 'cept.. I'm not allowed to do it." The child replied sadly.

"Sam!" I heard Jades voice in the distance. The speaker went dead as the child obviously hung up.. probably in trouble. I waited a couple more seconds before the door suddenly flung open. Jade was holding a small boy with big blue eyes and light brown hair in her arms and another boy who looked identical to the first one was stood at her feet and staring up at her.

"Hi" I smiled, giving Jade a confused look.

"How come you're here?" Jade asked surprised.

"I just wanted to talk to you, but if you're busy.." I shook my head pointing at the car.

"No! I mean.. It's fine. My Dad will be back soon." Jade pulled the door open properly and I stepped inside. The two little boys were pulling faces at each other and Jade was struggling to keep hold of the one in her arms as he kept reaching out to pounce on the other.

"This is Sam and this is Charlie. They're my horribly annoying little brothers." Jade introduced me to the twins.

"No Sam is the horrible one! He took my story!" The boy Jade was carrying shouted upset.

"Sam, give Charlie his story back" Jade rolled her eyes.

"But it's stupid" Sam complained.

"No it's not!" The two little boys proceeded to squabble.

"HEY!" Jade screamed, frightening even me. She bent down placing Charlie next to Sam and glared at them threateningly. "This is what's going to happen. I am going to go make you two your dinner and then you are going to go play in your rooms.. nicely! Whilst I talk to my friend Tori and you are NOT going to annoy me!"

The two boys ran off somewhere into the house looking petrified and being much, much quieter. I looked up and Jade had her scariest face on. Suddenly I wasn't so surprised that the two little boys had run off like that.

"Sorry.. the nanny bailed on us this weekend because her daughter went into labor. God some people are so selfish huh?" Jade joked.

"I never knew you had twin brothers." I confessed.

"Well now you know." Jade shrugged. I followed her into the kitchen which was huge, as i'd expected from the size of her house and watched as she made two kiddie sized meals of tomato soup, potatoes, and veggie sticks and placed them on the island. Sam and Charlie ran back in a few minutes later and quietly ate their dinner. Charlie cleaned his plate quickly but the other twin was being fussy.

"Sam you can't leave that carrot." Jade shook her head.

"But why?" Sam whined.

"Because.. you need to eat all your veggies to grow up to be big and strong." Jade insisted. Sam pouted for a while but eventually finished his food. When he did, Jade gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"You can go play now." Jade told him. Sam grinned and jumped down from the table running away. I raised an eyebrow at hypocrisy I'd just witnessed.

"So you make your little brothers eat all their food but there's different rules for you?" I questioned as Jade filled the dishwasher.

"Sam and Charlie are seven." Jade said pointedly, as though that made any difference. Once again I followed Jade through the giant halls of the house until we reached her bedroom. You could instantly tell it was Jade's room because where all the other doors in the house had been brown with a white embellishment, this one was solid black. Her room was similarly decorated, everything in the room being either black or very dark red. I couldn't even see any windows as they were covered in big black drapes.

"Sooo.. you wanted to talk to me about something?" Jade asked curiously. I sat down on the corner of Jade's huge bed and thought back to the reason I'd came here in the first place. For some reason meeting Jade's brothers had completely thrown me off and it seemed like really bad timing to talk about this. Everything was bad timing when it came to this situation. Jade was frowning at me probably wondering why I was being super awkward.

"I might have talked to Beck a bit." I confessed. Jade's expression remained neutral so I continued. "How long have you really had problems with food for?"

"You shouldn't have gone behind my back to Beck." Jade said irritatedly.

"You shouldn't have lied to me!" I accused her.

"I never lied." Jade said firmly "You assumed things and I just never corrected you."

"That's the same as lying Jade. I seriously thought Beck had driven you to this." I said coldly.

"Beck didn't do anything." Jade grumbled. "I don't know when this started it just did. One day it just did."

"Why didn't you tell me the truth?" I asked her hurt.

"I don't know." Jade shrugged. We were silent for a little while as I just looked at her skinny arms and legs. Ok, so this had been going on for a long time, but obviously she was suffering with it a lot more at the moment.

"Why do you do it? Honestly?"

"Because I'm fat" Jade mumbled.

"Jade you really, really aren't fat." I said firmly. "There must be some other reason." Jade just shrugged and I sensed she'd had this conversation many times before, probably with Beck. Her responses were far too automatic.

"I think you need to get help for this Jade, I really do. You're not coping with it on your own."

"You said you'd help me, you promised!" Jades voice went almost childlike and I could see the terror behind her eyes at the idea of getting someone professional involved. I slipped my fingers into her hand and held it tightly.

"I'm trying Jade. I'll never stop trying. But you need to help yourself." I said gently.

"I eat now." Jade said quietly

"I know and that's really good. But you make yourself sick, I've seen you do it." I continued.

"Not often." Jade mumbled.

"That's still too often. I think you need to talk to someone. This thing is deadly Jade."

"Tori you really don't need to worry about me this much. I'm fine. I deal with it. I've dealt with it for years and I'm still here." Jade said seriously

"There's councillors you can talk to, psychiatrists, support groups.."

"I don't need to see a shrink." Jade laughed.

"I think you do." I said truthfully. I opened my bag and pulled out a couple of things I'd printed from the internet about counselling she could get, eating disorder centres, group therapy. Jade looked at them and I could tell she was reading them with interest but after a while she pushed them away.

"Why are you doing this?" Jade sighed.

"Because I like you" I confessed "You're my friend and I don't like that you have to suffer with this."

"You like me?" Jade questioned, her thumb caressing my palm in small circles.

"Believe it or not, I do. A lot." I said, looking down at our hands that were still intertwined.

"What do you.. mean?" Jade pushed me further. My heart was racing as I searched my brain for something not stupid to say. I knew I could mess up everything we had between us if I wasn't careful with my words. If I'd mis-read all her signals.

"I kind of… like, like you." I said softly, not even daring meet her eye. I could have died in the stress of the dead silence that followed. I couldn't see Jade's face so I had no idea what her reaction was, all I knew was that she was slowly loosening her hold on my hand. I felt ill. I wished I'd kept this stupid crush thing to myself because obviously she wasn't into me like that. She had trusted me to be her friend when she was going through all these issues and I had completely ruined it.

"Sorry I shouldn't have said that you can just ignore—" I didn't get to finish my sentence as Jade placed both her hands on my cheeks and kissed me. I was so shocked that at first I completely forgot to kiss her back, but when I did.. it was the best feeling in the world. Her hands slid across my face and into my hair as she continued to move her lips against mine and I placed my hands on her waist. It was the most heated first kiss I've ever had.

"—Me." I somehow remembered to finish my sentence as Jade opened her eyes, our faces inches from each other.

"It's okay. Maybe I like, like you too." Jade whispered. I leant forwards and kissed her again but softer, more gently. Her lips were wet and tasted like toothpaste and each little kiss seemed to build in explosiveness. I honestly thought I was dreaming. It wasn't like I hadn't had dreams like this before, but this was real-life and it was better.

I left Jade's house at around 9o'clock that evening. We didn't talk much for the rest of the night. We literally just spent the entire time making out and even when I left Jade kissed me goodbye at the door. I don't know what any of this means - we didn't even discuss that. But I like her and she likes me. This situation just either got a whole lot more confusing or a whole lot better. Probably both. All I know is, this is happiest I've felt in a really, really long time.

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**:)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Flashforward again :) although in this flash forward there's sort of a flashback.. hopefully you'll get it! I imagine if this was like an actual book the flash forward chapters would sort of signify the start of the section and so this is the start of the ****third bit, if you get me :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/03/2021.

It's the sixth day of our honeymoon and I'm still in disbelief that this is actually real. Every day so far has been amazing and beautiful and perfect and I never want it to end. Yesterday we went out to a cocktail bar in the evening which was so much fun. It was a really classy place so we got dressed up and did our hair and makeup. I wore a deep pink dress and white heels and Jade had her hair pinned up so her curls were tressled down her bare back. I'm not gonna lie, she was the hottest person on this island. And she's all mine! (kidding.. sort of.)

We were recognised by quite a few people which tends to happen when we go out together. We're currently Hollywood's most famous couple. The wedding probably had a lot to do with that since we're not exactly outrageous or crazy in public. Although there are some very questioning pictures someone managed to take of us at a party a couple of years ago.. but let's not go there!

We took some pictures with fans before going inside the bar. It was weird to be back around other people after spending all this time alone with Jade. I still find it kind of scary when people come up to us and know all these random details about us, from our favourite movies to our siblings names. Not too long ago someone asked Jade if they could marry Charlie. It was hilarious watching Jade try to reign in on her over-protective sister instincts and hear her pained laugh.

The cocktails were actually delicious, some of the best I've ever had before and so no surprise, we got quite tipsy last night. For some reason in our drunken minds, we thought it would be fun to go skinny dipping in the pool. It was probably a really bad idea looking back on it since we could have drowned, but it was hilarious at the time. We ended up in the jacuzzi just making out until around four in the morning, when we finally got too exhausted and somehow managed to drag ourselves upstairs to bed.

Right now, we're just lounging around on this giant swinging sofa thing we have on the balcony. We've been here for hours and Jades been drifting in and out of sleep with her head in my lap. Poor hungover baby. I can't believe tomorrow we'll have been married for an entire week. I'm surprising Jade with our wedding photographs in the morning because I paid extra to get them printed and delivered to us here, even though they usually take a lot longer. I really hope they're good.

My mind keeps wandering again today as Jade said something before that cast my mind back to something else that happened years ago. We'd gotten comfortable in the position we're lying in now and I had just started reading my book when Jade asked me this question; "Do you remember our first date?"

I smiled and put down my book to look down at Jade whose big blue eyes were staring up at me expectantly.

"As in that date Sikowitz forced us to go on for that play?" I teased.

"No dummy, as in our first real date." Jade hit me lightly with her hand.

"Of course I do." I assured her, tugging gently at her hair with my fingers. "I was convinced it wasn't one."

"Until the end." Jade pointed out.

"Until the end." I agreed.

Our first date happened only the day after our first kiss. We'd been in school and lessons as usual, but I don't think I learned a thing that day. I was having serious issues concentrating on anything as my head was just completely consumed with Jade. When I saw her it was like my body turned to jelly and everything hurt. It was ridiculous. Jade admitted to me years later that she had felt exactly the same way. We kept bumping into each other when we weren't even trying and then when we tried having a conversation we both just ended up smiling and holding hands. It was so cheesy it hurt.

At the end of the day I was talking innocently to Andre by my locker when Jade came storming up next to us and before I knew what was happening she'd grabbed me by the arm and pulled me aggressively into an empty classroom. My eyes widened when she slammed the door shut, wondering what on earth she was doing.

"Do you like me or do you like Andre?" Jade yelled.

"What?!" I replied in shock.

"Answer me!" Jade demanded, stepping closer so our faces were only inches apart. I was backed up against the wall and there was nowhere for me to run. Not that I would have wanted to.

"You." I answered immediately. My reward was a good one as Jade pressed her lips against mine and flicked her tongue inside my mouth. I made out with her for another minute before pushing her off. Jade raised an eyebrow at me questioningly as I spun her around so I was in control of the situation.

"Do you like me or Beck?" I asked. A worry I'd seriously been holding even before we first kissed. I had to use all my strength and willpower not to give in as Jade pulled me in, closer and closer, tighter and tighter. Her breath was on my mouth and her eyes were dilated but blazing into mine.

"I like you Tori." Jade said in a soft, almost vulnerable voice. Our lips met once again in a passionate reconciliation and we didn't hold back this time, both of us punishing each other for making the other jealous and when we broke apart for a breath my lips felt bruised and yet they craved her even more.

"I want to go somewhere." Jade confessed.

"Ok." I replied, still slightly stunned. Jade took my hand and we walked out of that empty classroom as though nothing had even happened. Our friends were long gone so we climbed into Jades car and we drove down to the beach. It was still warm but the sun wasn't as blazing as we walked along until we found a rocky patch where nobody was around. We kissed and moaned and felt each other up over our clothes. I remember the only thing that stopped that moment from being perfect was my hands grazing across Jades ribcage and being able to feel way more bone than anyone ever should. But I didn't say anything. And years later when we talked about it, Jade thanked me for not mentioning it.

For some reason I was convinced we were just hanging out and we weren't really dating. We were hanging out just as friends the way we always did.. except for the kissing and the touching. But still nothing had really changed. I told this to Jade too who just smirked and ignored my ranting. Later when Jade drove me home, I kissed her goodbye on the lips. I was seconds from jumping out of the car when Jade stopped me.

"Wait…" Jade leant over and closed the door shut. I saw something in Jades eyes I didn't think I'd seen before. Something extremely sweet.

"Would you be my girlfriend?" Jade said quickly, her pale cheeks blushing. My smile widened to lengths I don't think it had ever reached before and Jade scoffed telling me I looked like a dork. I didn't care though as I turned Jades face back to mine.

"If you'll be mine." I replied. The corner of Jades mouth tilted into a small smile and we both found ourselves giggling. We were so embarrassed although I'm not sure why.

"Yes I'll be your girlfriend." Jade said once we finally pulled ourselves together.

"And I'll be your girlfriend." I agreed, still smiling. Jade pressed her lips against my now very swollen ones and kissed me slowly. I almost completely lost my breath.

"See you tomorrow baby." Jade shouted as I jumped out of the car. My stomach turned to mush again as I watched her reverse out of my drive and drive home. Jade West was my girlfriend.

So that was our first official date. As soon as I got inside my house I told my family who were completely supportive. I always knew they would be so it really wasn't a big issue for me, and I didn't worry at all that they'd care I was dating a girl. They seemed happier that I was dating a girl to be honest. The next day we told our friends and within a week, Jade and I being a couple was just.. normal. You might say everything sort of moved extremely fast and I would agree. It was a complete whirlwind. I don't know if I would change the way we got together though. It's special to me no matter how fast everything happened.

I think Jade is asleep again because she just mumbled incoherently. She always talks in her sleep which I find cute. I think I'm going to wake her though and see if she'll come inside to watch a movie with me. It's not late but I can tell we'll both be taking it easy after last night. I'm thinking blankets, movies, junk food and snuggling up with my wife. Speak to you later journal!

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**I hope you liked this angst free chapter.. it won't last long.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hope you're all having a lovely Sunday! I hope this chapter confuses you as much as I want it to xD**

**And I hope you're not all opposed to a bit of bade (friendship only) because Beck features heavily in this chapter and he will be important in a lot of the chapters. You'll see why soon.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/22/2011.

Soo it's been two weeks since Jade asked me to be her girlfriend. I am still stupidly happy and I'm not saying it's all down to me, but Jade seems a lot happier too. Our friends were a little shocked when they first found out. I mean, I guess we did go from frenemies to girlfriends in a really short amount of time.. but everyone who says I used to hate Jade is wrong. I never hated Jade, I just strongly disliked her and now I strongly like her. Simple.

The only person there's still a little tension with is Beck. I guess I know I owe him an apology for accusing him on giving Jade an eating disorder and I don't blame him for avoiding me because I am dating him ex-girlfriend which makes things a little weird. Still the conversation that happened today towards the end of lunch seriously made me start to doubt Beck's intentions. Jade and I were kissing in what we thought was a secluded corner of the Asphalt, when he seemingly appeared out of nowhere and coughed.

"Jesus Beck!" Jade shouted as we both jumped apart, startled.

"Sorry. Could I.. talk to you..?" Beck said awkwardly. Jade rolled her eyes and took hold of my hand.

"I'm a little busy. Is this a long talk or a short talk?" Jade asked plainly.

"Longish?" Beck admitted. Jade seemed to think carefully over his request before replying.

"Is this about next week?" Jade sighed.

"Partly." Beck glanced at me and then back at Jade.

"Fine I'll meet you after school." Jade agreed, albeit not sounding too happy about it.

"No can do, I've got band rehersal." Beck shook his head.

"Ughh! Tomorrow then." Jade groaned.

"Cool. Jet Brew at 7pm?" Beck suggested. Jade shrugged her agreement, still huffing slightly.

"See you tomorrow then, bye Tori." Beck smiled at me and then left. There was a sort of awkward silence for a minute after he left.

"Um.. what's happening next week?" I asked curiously. Jade looked conflicted and I could tell she was debating whether or not to tell me. I kept quiet hoping she'd trust me with whatever this was. Whatever this was that her ex-boyfriend knew about but not me.

"Just.." Jade began. Suddenly the bell rang interrupting her and in that moment I swear I seriously hated that sound.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Jade shuffled backwards. "I'll see you in Sikowitz after Math."

"Okay." I replied, downhearted.

I know it sounds really bad but I'm jealous. I'm jealous that Beck still knows things about Jade that I don't. He was right about the eating disorder thing and now they're meeting up to talk about something that's happening next week and Jade won't tell me what. I mean obviously since Beck and Jade have known each other so long I'm never going to have that same bond.. I'm just a little confused and a lot a bit jealous. No I'm not! Yes I am. Aghhh.

* * *

06/23/2011

I did a bad thing tonight. A _very_ bad thing. And you, Journal, have to keep this a secret for the rest of eternity. I was sitting in the living room watching celebrities under water with Trina, the clock was ticking and I could see the minute hand reach five to seven. There were exactly five minutes until Jade met up with Beck in Jet Brew. My head was so focused on what they possibly could be doing together next week and what they were possibly doing together now that I couldn't even tell you which celebrities had drowned.

"Tori!" Trina snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?" I realised Trina had obviously been talking to me.

"I said I want coffee!" Trina repeated in annoyance. My eyes lit up as the horrible idea crossed my mind. I could go to Jet Brew, get Trina her coffee and listen in.

"I'll go to Jet Brew" I announced.

"No just make me one of those instant cappuccino sachet things." Trina replied.

"No you don't want that! Ugh icky! I'll get you one from Jet Brew." I insisted. The time was exactly 7pm so without listening to my sister's continuing insistence that she only wanted instant coffee, I ran out the front door, jumped in my car and drove to Jet Brew. I even formulated an excuse in my mind, what I'd say if they saw me there but luckily it never came to that.

When I arrived I immediately spotted Beck and Jade. They were sitting on a table in the corner of the room and although I couldn't hear what they were talking about, I could tell it was serious. Beck kept nodding whereas Jade just looked despondent and sad. Frowning, I took a seat in a nearby booth where I could just about hear and see them, but was safely hidden from their point of view.

"My Mom will sort it all out, don't worry." I overheard Beck tell Jade.

"Are you sure?" Jade replied.

"Yeah, she wants to. Don't stress about it." Beck assured her.

"I'm not." Jade insisted, snapping slightly.

"Well good." Beck replied, slightly defensive. Both of them were quiet for a while, sipping on their coffees and staring out of the window. I couldn't figure out what they'd been talking about but I had a feeling that was the thing happening next week.

"Look I'm sorry things have been weird between us, I wish they weren't." Beck suddenly spoke up.

"You ignored me for months." Jade said vulnerably, not meeting his eye.

"I know and I shouldn't have done that ok. I just needed a bit of space from us for a while." Beck said softly.

"I thought you hated me." Jade shrugged, looking at him for the first time since this conversation started.

"Jade I could never hate you. You drive me mad! But I don't hate you." Beck assured her.

"Well for the record I don't hate you either." Jade sighed. I watched nervously from my booth. Praying this wasn't them getting back together.

"How are Sam and Charlie?" Beck asked.

"They're fine. They miss you though. They tell me _every_ day!" Jade emphasised. Beck laughed loudly at this fact.

"I'll come round and see them soon." Beck nodded.

"Thanks." Jade smiled. I watched nervously, my heart beating fast as she leant across and hugged him. This wasn't what I expected but then, I honestly don't know what I'd been expecting. Beck hugged her back, rubbing her back and once again I was hit with pains of jealously. Jade was my girlfriend now not his.

"Oh god Jade you really have gone tiny." Beck frowned as they broke apart.

"I haven't" Jade disagreed.

"Yes you have." Beck insisted, "I know you can't see it, but you have. What do you weigh?"

"Mm mm." Jade shook her head.

"Jade.."

"No!" Jade said firmly. Beck sighed evidently knowing he wasn't going to get any further with this.

"Sometimes I think you know this hurts you." Beck said quietly. Jade ignored him completely, sipping on her coffee.

"So come on.. fess up. What's going on with you and Vega? One minute you hate each other and the next you're making out in the school corridors." Beck changed the subject. My ears pricked wondering what she'd say about me.

"Ha wouldn't you like to know." Jade smirked.

"Actually I would." Beck shrugged, grinning.

"I don't know.. stuff." Jade blushed.

"I always had a feeling there was something more to you and Tori." Beck replied

"Shut up, you didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't even know I was into girls before now." Jade confessed.

"I don't think that's the way love works. You fall for who you fall for, regardless of gender." Beck replied profoundly.

"Don't be corny." Jade shook her head.

"You know what though?" Beck continued.

"What?"

"You need to make it up to her. You told her some pretty big lies from what I heard." Beck frowned at Jade who was looking down at the table almost ashamed.

"I know and I'm sorry I pulled you into it." Jade mumbled an apology.

"Well I don't want to say it's ok, because it's not.. but it's part of the disorder Jade. This thing has made you say a lot of crazy stuff before now." Beck said seriously, reaching across the table to put a hand on her arm. Bad move.

"I don't have a disorder!" Jade snatched her arm away.

"In that case I don't forgive you and I'll be ordering us both cheesecake." Beck threatened to stand up and order. Jade grabbed his hand with alarm and pulled him back down.

"You think this is funny." Jade sighed.

"No but I think you're in denial." Beck shrugged.

"Do we have to talk about this?" Jade looked uncomfortable.

"No but at some point you need to talk to someone. If not me, then Tori. And you need to start by telling the truth." Beck said softly.

"Why are you both obsessed with me talking to someone?" Jade asked, genuinely looking bewildered.

"Probably because we both know you're not ok." Beck shrugged, staring into her face. There was a long silence that followed this as Jade refused to look anywhere but out the window.

"I'm fine, neither of you need to worry about me." Jade finally spoke up. Beck frowned and exhaled through his nose shaking his head.

"Thank you." Jade said vulnerably.

"What for?" Beck looked confused.

"Agreeing to be friends." Jade said quietly.

"Jade, we were friends before we were even born. You're stuck with me for life." Beck smiled, giving Jade another hug. When they broke apart Jade looked a lot happier "You might have a bit of convincing to do before your girlfriend forgives me though." Beck pointed out.

Jade smiled, "I'll try."

They didn't stay long after this and both of them left the coffee shop without noticing me spying. I feel really terrible for intruding on their conversation the way I did and I only feel more confused than I did before. I still have no idea what's going on next week. At least, I know that they aren't getting back together. I guess I should have trusted Jade. Am I really that wrong for being Jealous though? I don't know. I'm very confused.

* * *

**What is going on?... All will be revealed in the next couple of chapters.**

**Review please :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**:D Thanks for reviewing guys! Here's Chapter 13 early for you since you made me smile. xx**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

* * *

06/24/2011.

I know I'm being petty, but I'm kind of upset at Jade right now. She's being so secretive about this thing that's happening next week with her and Beck and it just makes me feel really, really shit. I don't think it's much to ask that I just want to know what my girlfriend is doing next week with her ex-boyfriend, but I've asked her twice and both time's she's avoided answering the question.

At least one good thing has came out of Beck and Jade making up. Jade seems to be coping a bit better with her eating. She seems less tense at lunch and her afternoon shakes that tended to indicate she'd been purging seem to have gone. She also seems more like her old self, making sarcastic remarks and participating in school. When we first became official, she was sort of timid and wanted to just hide with me in a corner or inside. Now, although she still is constantly attempting to get me alone she doesn't seem to mind handing out with our friends in a group which is healthy, I think.

I'm happy that she's happy. And I'm happy she made up with Beck because at the end of the day they have been friends for a long time. Beck seems more relaxed around me now too. I still feel guilty for completely disrespecting their privacy at Jet Brew yesterday but until Jade tells me what's going on I can't stop worrying it's going to bring them together again. I just really don't want to lose her.

* * *

06/25/2011.

I guess I hit my limit with the secrecy today as Jade was acting all secretive again and I just wasn't comfortable with it anymore. When I came into school this morning I saw Jade and Beck stood outside her locker and he handed her an envelope. Jade put it in her bag and Beck walked away. When I approached her and asked what Beck wanted she just replied with.. _ooh nothing._

And yes I know I'm being incredibly nosy but I'm genuinely upset. We're supposed to be a couple but she doesn't trust me. I was still upset at the end of the day, so when Jade asked me to go for coffee as we usually do after school, I said no. I felt bad because she looked confused and hurt but if she's not going to trust me then I thought to myself, why should I bother hanging out with her?

Fortunately, Jade had other plans. I was sulking upstairs in my bedroom when I heard her voice from downstairs. Trina shouted me that my "freaky friend" was here and I immediately leapt out of bed and tried to make myself look less of a mess. Jade knocked on my bedroom door and eventually I let her in.

"Hey." Jade smiled, "I totally missed you today, I wanted to spend more time with you, is it ok I just came?"

"Whatever you want Jade." I folded my arms, sitting down on my bed.

"Did I do something?" Jade frowned.

"I don't know." I replied coldly. Jade sat down on the bed next to me looking confused.

"Come on Tori, give me a clue."

"Well how about I start with how you and Beck were all flirty today." I snapped.

"What? I hardly spoke to Beck today."

"Don't lie to me Jade. If you're going to get back with him you could at least have the decency to break up with me first."

"Tori I don't want to get back with Beck." Jade said firmly.

"Well what did he give to you this morning? I saw him give you an envelope in school and what is this thing that you're doing together next week?" I'd exploded. She knew it. I knew it.

"It's my Mom's birthday." Jade exhaled and took hold of my hand. "Beck was just giving me a letter from his Mom about this family meal we're having."

"Oh. I forgot your Mom's are friends." It suddenly made some sort of sense.

"Yeah. Best friends. Practically sisters." Jade said seriously. I sighed and looked up at her face. Surprisingly she didn't seem mad at me, just very confused.

"Sorry I'm being really irrational aren't I?" I confessed.

"Tori.. what did you think it was?" Jade asked, seemingly bewildered.

"I don't know. I thought you and Beck were secretly dating or something." I looked down.

"Don't be stupid." Jade pounced on top of me. Pinning me down on the bed and pressing kisses on my neck and lips.

"What can I do to prove to you I want you, not Beck?" Jade whispered in my ear. She was lying on top of me and it was very hard to concentrate when she was grazing her teeth along the sensitive spot behind my ear.

"I guess.. this.. is ok." I exhaled, letting her push my hands over my head and kissing me. We were getting completely into it and Jade was grinding on me and it felt so good. It was like all the bad feelings I'd been having just fluttered away.

"Tori!" My Mom knocked on the door and opened it. Jade rolled off me faster than I've ever seen anyone move and buried herself under the bedsheets.

"Ooh sorry. Is that Jade? Have I interrupted something?"

"No.. I mean yes it's Jade but.. no, what do you want?" I stammered embarrassed.

"I just wanted to say that dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes, you can stay if you want Jade." My Mom smiled

"It's fine I already ate." Jade muffled a reply from under the sheets. My Mom raised a suspicious eyebrow at me and I shook my head waiting for her to shut the door. When she finally did Jade still didn't come out from under the sheets.

"Have you really eaten?" I asked sceptically.

"No but I'm not staying for dinner now, she just saw me on top of you!" Jade groaned. I laughed pulling the sheets off of her. She was hiding behind her hands too and shaking her head. I kissed her pouty lips until she took her hands away from her face.

"So before I go.. is there anything else you're worried about?" Jade looked straight into my eyes. It was reassuring because I knew I had her full attention. There were so many things I could have asked her right now, but I went for the one that stood out to me the most.

"Jade do you love Beck?" I sighed. Jade looked a little surprised at my question but didn't back away.

"Can I tell you the truth?" Jade asked carefully.

"Of course." I replied, albeit slightly terrified for what her answer would be.

"I do love him, but not in the way you think." Jade confessed "I guess I did once, but we were thirteen when we started dating. We grew up and the love just sort of, went away. And for a long time there was something missing."

"Oh." I replied, not sure what I was supposed to do with this knowledge. Before I knew it was happening Jade had swooped in and kissed me again.

"What was that for?" I asked surprised.

"You're cute when you're jealous." Jade smirked.

"I'm not jealous." I scoffed.

"Baby.." Jade smirked, drawing little patterns up my arm.

"Alright maybe just a little. He is your ex." I shrugged.

"Tori trust me. I'm into you. A lot. Beck and I are history." Jade reassured me

"Sorry it's just I really, really like you."

"And I really, really like you. But I need him Tor, he's…" Jade stopped to think for a moment. "He's my oldest friend."

"I understand." I promised her, before pulling her in close to me again. "As long as I'm the only one who gets to do this."

I kissed her firmly on the lips. Our mouths gradually opening a little more each time until our tongues were swirling and circling each others. We were moaning and caressing but we broke apart before it got too heated. I let Jade out feeling much better than I did before. I'm so, SO glad she came over.

* * *

06/26/2011.

Today was an extremely mixed day. Jade and I were in a very flirty mood all day and we were touching and kissing a lot. We were probably annoying a lot of people with our PDA but it's hard to resist when your completely beautiful girlfriend is the best kisser in the world. Anyway as soon as school was over we drove back to Jades house to spend some time alone together. Jade assured me that her brothers would be with the nanny and her Dad would be at work, but when she opened the front door a tiny, bouncy chihuahua, wearing what looked like a jewell embellished jean jacket ran over to me and started barking at my feet.

"Get lost Pedro!" Jade pushed the dog back inside the house with her foot. The dog continued yapping and biting at our ankles and was completely over excited.

"Lara! Would you get your stupid rat off my girlfriend!" Jade screamed. A tiny, pretty blonde woman with artificial eyelashes and very likely artificial breasts appeared in the entrance hall and picked up the yappy dog.

"Aww baby, was Jadey Wadey mean to you?" The woman cooed.

"Dear God." Jade rolled her eyes, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me towards the staircase.

"Oh Jade," Lara called out before we could get any further up the stairs "Your Father is in his closet packing."

"Packing why?" Jade stopped dead in her track.

"We're leaving tonight to go to Canada for an important conference. We're taking the twins with us."

"For how long?" Jade asked, I could sense tension bubbling at the surface.

"Two weeks." Lara informed her. Jade looked devastated for a second but it was quickly replaced with anger as she dropped my hand and stormed up the stairs. I followed her wondering why her demeanour had changed so drastically.

When I found her she was pounding on the door of one of the rooms, her face completely furious. The second the door opened Jade pushed her way inside whilst I watched nervously from the hall.

"You are not taking Sam and Charlie to Canada next week!" Jade yelled.

"Too late. The nanny already got them packed and they're on their way to the airport this very minute." The stern grey man I recognised as Jade's father replied

"But it's Mom's Birthday on Tuesday!" Jade shouted furiously.

"Your Mother is dead Jade. You need to get over it." The man sighed. My heart froze in my chest as I processed what he'd just said. Jade never told me her Mom was dead. She'd conveniently left that detail out.

"No Dad. You can't do this! We always visit Mom's grave on her birthday. Jenn has sorted everything. You can't take Sam and Charlie to Canada!" Jade was evidently trying her best to sound assertive, but tears were pricking her eyes.

"As I said. It's too late. I'm sorry Jadelyn." Her Father replied emotionlessly. Jade looked completely crushed.

"I hate you so much!" Jade slammed her Father's door shut. She stormed across the hall to her bedroom, swung open the door and immediately threw a large book across the room. It hit a picture frame on the wall of her, Beck, Cat, Andre, and Robbie that looked like it was taken when they were all much younger and the glass smashed all over the bed. Jade's chest was heaving as she took in several deep breaths.

"Sorry, can you leave?" Jade folded her arms when she caught sight of me, only just remembering I was here.

"I can.. or I could stay and give you a hug." I said softly. Jade shook her head, she looked completely withdrawn.

"I want to be alone." Jade said quietly.

"Are you sure?" I confirmed with her.

"Yes." Jade didn't even look at me, her eyes focusing on something else completely. I followed her gaze to her desk. On it there were several more photo frames and one that stood out, the one that I could tell she was looking at was of her as a child and a woman that looked a lot like her.

"Jade I'm so sorry about your Mom." I found myself unable to leave her like this. Her expression was blank but her eyes looked devastated.

"It's fine. I need to get over it." Jade repeated her Fathers harsh words. I didn't know what to say.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about this? What are you thinking?" I took hold of her hand. Jade squeezed my fingers hard, still staring at the photo frame on her desk. We were quiet for a long time.

"I hate Canada." Jade said eventually. She removed her hand from mine and walked over to her bed and began cleaning up the broken glass and rescuing the picture. "Look this isn't personal but I just really want to be alone. I'm sorry "

"Jade that's really fine. I'll see you at school on Monday?" I confirmed.

"Yeah bye." Jade replied, still cleaning up the shards. She didn't even glance up as I left the room. Walking across the hall towards the front door, I noticed Lara and Jade's Father holding each other in the living room. The blonde was giggling as the older man pecked lips and playfully pinched her butt. I turned around slightly disgusted and left the grand house.

Before I got in my car, I glanced up to where I knew Jade's bedroom windows were, but obviously I couldn't see anything through her big black curtains. She hasn't texted me all night. I just hope she's okay.

* * *

**:(**


	14. Chapter 14

**Okayy.. pre-warning this is an emotionally heavy chapter. It goes into some details about Jades past that have definitely affected her and still continue to affect her. Undealt with emotions and experiences and so on.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

06/29/2011

It's the start of a new week and lets just say that the happy, affectionate Jade we were all graced with last week has long gone. She was just incredibly snappy and short with everybody today, managing to make Cat cry and insult Andre's new song. I remember last year when Jade had days like this I would look at Beck and think to myself, how can he just sit there and do nothing when his girlfriend is acting like such a bitch? Now Jade's my girlfriend, I find myself doing the exact same thing. Her whole family have gone and left her around such a difficult time. Who am I to tell her she has to be nice?

Her misery and bitchiness continued into lunchtime where she just sat there drawing in a notebook and barely interacting with anyone. I offered to buy her lunch, she said no. I even offered to leave and just go some place else with her, she said no. Beck was more than aware that something was very wrong and even offered to buy her coffee to which she roared at him to buy his own girlfriend coffee.

I looked apologetically at Beck but didn't say anything. Jade seemed on the verge of tears all day but she held it together, letting her emotions out in other ways. Mainly anger. Isolating herself. Being as horrible to everyone as she possibly could. The worst part was, I knew there was nothing I could do. This was completely out of my control.

I was extremely worried about Jade based on how unstable she was behaving and also how ill she looked. She had huge circles under her eyes and I wouldn't have put it past her to not have eaten a thing all weekend and apparently neither had Beck and despite not really being close at the moment, the two of us ended up quietly discussing Jade's behaviour at the end of our English class.

"So he took the twins and just left Jade by herself?" Beck confirmed with me.

"Uh huh." I nodded.

"My Mom is going to be so mad when she hears about this." Beck seethed.

"Why?"

"She hates James. He's never given a shit about Jade and he cheated on her Mom several times." Beck informed me. Another blow. I was completely and utterly disgusted that her Dad seemed so careless and unloving about his family. It's bad enough that he cheated on her in the first place but leaving the country on his deceased wife's birthday, taking his sons, leaving his daughter on her own and telling her to get over it. I could see why Beck's Mom hated him.

"But whatever's happening at home aside, she's not eating again, thats obvious." I frowned.

"She always went through good and bad patches and usually something that's upset her triggers it. You can try get her to talk but she's a stubborn cow." Beck shrugged.

"Hey!" I frowned.

"What? She is!" Beck insisted.

"Yeah well maybe she's stubborn because she's protecting herself from being hurt. Because it seems like she gets hurt a lot." I defended her.

"I don't know. I think she's just difficult to be honest." Beck replied. I shook my head but we didn't continue talking after this as the late bell rang and we both hurried to our separate music classes. My biggest worry is, if this is how Jade is coping now, how is she going to cope tomorrow.

* * *

06/30/2011

As I predicted, today was a difficult day. Jade surprised me by hugging me and kissing me in the morning before class. She was chatty and smiley and somehow this was worse than the angry Jade she had been yesterday. She was obviously artificially happy. I knew it was her Moms birthday so I asked her how she was feeling about it and she said she was happy, because birthdays are a reason to be happy. I was confused but kept it to myself because if this was the way she was going to deal with it then I was going to go along with it. Every time I saw her she smiled at me. It was scary.

At lunch time she didn't eat again. She was drawing in her notebook and when I looked over it alarmed me she was drawing food. Rows and rows of tiny cupcakes, pizza slices, ice cream cones. To anyone else they would seem like innocent doodles but somehow I knew they were significant. Once again I didn't mention it.

We arrived early to Sikowitz class and sat together near the back of the room. Jade was quiet but still seemed "happy". She avoided all my questions about what she'd done last night, what she was doing tonight, what she wanted to do the rest of the week and turned the questions around to me. She probably thought she was getting away with everything nicely until Beck came over.

"Jade, my Mom wanted to know if you need a lift to the cemetery later?" Beck asked. Jades false smile immediately dropped and it was as though Beck had burst some sort of artificial bubble she'd been cushioning herself in.

"Umm.. No I'll be fine by myself." Jade replied quietly.

"Are you sure?" Beck asked suspiciously.

"Yeah."

"Are you still going to drop over tonight?" Beck pushed her a little further, noticing she had gone extremely quiet.

"No I think… I'd rather just be alone." Jade folded her arms and crossed her legs towards the window, the opposite way to which Beck and I were facing her.

"Alright." Beck frowned at me and then went back to his seat. Jade was completely silent and I could tell Beck had pushed her too far. She hadn't needed any of the reminders about what today meant.

"Jade?" I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She immediately stood up and walked out of the classroom. I thought about following her but quickly decided against it. She evidently wanted to be alone.

I didn't see her car in the parking lot at the end of school so I assumed she'd gone home. I texted her asking if she was alright and if she wanted to talk. But she didn't reply. It reminded me of last week when I had been upset. Jade trusted her instinct and came over to see me. I wasn't sure this was even close to the same thing but I decided the same principles applied and after dinner I got in my car and drove over to Jades. I rang the doorbell and Jade answered through the speaker.

"What do you want?" Jade snapped venomously.

"Baby can I come in?" I asked softly. Jade immediately hung up and I wondered if she was just going to ignore me. I stood on the doorstep unhopeful but about two minutes later she opened the door.

"Hey." I smiled.

"Hey." Jade repeated. Her voice had a distinct crack in it and her eyes were swollen and ringed red. It didn't take a genius to work out she'd been crying. Hard. Instead of saying anything else I just stepped inside and took her into my arms. She resisted at first, trying to push me away but stopped fighting after thirty seconds or so and just cried weakly against my neck. I held her and let her cry without saying anything, she obviously needed this.

"Sorry." Jade pulled back, sniffing and wiping her eyes.

"Hey! Never, ever say sorry for being upset. You don't have to be embarrassed to cry with me. Ever. And especially not about this." I assured her.

"It's so dumb. She died almost seven years ago. I shouldn't be this upset."

"You're allowed to be upset." I said firmly. "Your Dad was wrong."

"Maybe." Jade sniffed, looking down at her feet. She quickly wiped a new stream of tears away form her eyes and put her hand out gesturing me further inside, "Come on."

We sat down on the sofa where Jade seemed to have been before. She'd pulled her quilt off her bed and brought it down here and she'd been looking through a collection of old photographs. Jade picked up one of the albums and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders as she leant on me showing me the pictures. She actually seemed genuinely happy for a while as she talked about her Mom and the funny stories about how they used to do crazy things like ride scooters down to the park in the dark and bake cookies in the middle of the night. Her Mom apparently loved the night and had insisted she was nocturnal.

"You look a lot like her." I told Jade.

"Do you really think?" Jade asked. "My Mom had brown eyes. Unfortunately I inherited the cold blue abyss from my Father."

"I love your eyes." I kissed her cheek. "And even still, you look really similar. You have the same hair and nose and face shape."

Jade laughed and closed the photo album. I wrapped my arms properly around her as she lay on me drained. I wasn't sure whether she was so tired because of lack of sleep, lack of food, or just emotional exhaustion.

"How old were you when your Mom died?" I asked softly.

"Eleven. Sam and Charlie were 16 months." Jade said quietly. "It was cancer just so you know."

"I'm so sorry Jade."

"It's ok. It really was a long time ago." Jade assured me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked cautiously. Jade kept quiet, keeping her cheek to my shoulder and breathing slowly. For a while I thought she'd fallen asleep until out of the blue, she spoke.

"My Mom was sick for most of my life. She lost her hair when I was eight and slowly she lost everything, her job, her friends, her relationship, her dignity. She was on deaths door so many times, especially when she was pregnant with the twins. She hung on though. Sam and Charlie were born thirteen weeks premature - they barely made it."

I listened intently to Jade's story knowing it was progress that she even spoke at all. I knew there wasn't anything I could say to make it a happier story so I just listened.

"Eventually after a long, long time in hospital Sam and Charlie gained enough weight and we could take them home. My Mom- not so much. She got so skinny in that last year until eventually she could hardly get out of bed. She couldn't even drink water without being sick and you could see the pain on her face whenever you hugged her."

Jade stopped talking at this point and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Obviously finding reliving the memory hard. I took hold of her hand and squeezed firmly. She smiled and snuggled back against me. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her until she was ready to keep talking.

"All my life, my Mom said she wanted to hear me sing and perform on stage. She was determined she'd see me in a main part before she had to go. She told everybody. And then.. I got my first lead role in an amateur production of Wicked at my drama school. On opening night my Mom insisted on coming to watch me. I remember she was so sick that day, but Beck's Mom, Jenn helped her to do it. We all knew this was probably her last chance and I was so terrified I'd mess up or something. I've never been more frightened of anything than screwing up on that night."

"I'm sure you were great."

"Yeah well it could have been better. It wasn't perfect." Jade shook her head.

"I'm sure it was" I reassured her.

"Anyway, my Mom saw the show and when we got home. She spent a long time with Beck's Mom in her bedroom. Beck was sat with me in my room and I remember we didn't even talk or play or anything. We both knew. We just knew. Eventually Jenn told me to come in and I hugged my Mom. She told me she was proud and that she loved me. Those were the last words she said to me before she died that night in her sleep."

Even I was crying at this point. The whole description seemed so vivid, so real. I could imagine her so young having to go through this and it hurt. Jade was somehow holding it together.

"I sometimes wonder if she hadn't come see my show, would I have had her for a couple more days? Maybe the show was what killed her." Jade confessed sadly.

"It sounds like she really wanted to come Jade." I said firmly. If there was anything I'd taken away from this story, it was that.

"We went to live at Beck's for a while because my Dad was hopeless with the twins and he was never really present in my life anyway. Jenn took care of me, Sam and Charlie for almost two years until our Father finally got his act together, bought our house and moved us back in with him." Jade shrugged.

"I'm so sorry Jade." I hugged and kissed her. Jade leant her head against mine and just seemed lost. She didn't cry. She just lay there.

"Maybe you should go over to Beck's." I found myself saying. I felt guilty and disgusted with myself that I'd acted so selfish about her talking to him and getting letter's from his Mom. Now I knew the full story.

"No I just want to stay here." Jade said quietly. We sat in total silence. Just the sound of our breathing and my sniffs. I tried to pull myself together but it was hard after hearing what had happened. If I'd been alone and not trying to be strong for Jade, I would have been sobbing.

"Have you eaten anything today?" I asked eventually. Jade nodded but the rumbling I could feel in her stomach easily led me not to believe her. I desperately wanted her to eat, but I knew it really wasn't the right time to push her about food.

"Do you want to be alone?" I asked seriously. I knew I'd kind of invited myself here without asking and since she was isolating herself from Becks family I thought that maybe she wouldn't want me either. Apparently I was wrong.

"Please don't go." Jade replied panicked.

"I won't if you don't want me to." I reassured her by hugging her tighter.

"I always say I want to be alone but I never want to be alone." Jades voice trembled and she started to cry.

"Oh baby." I stroked her hair as she cried completely broken tears. It was so childlike it terrified me.

"It makes me do bad things." Jade revealed.

"Well you're not on your own now." I said firmly. I didn't know what she was talking about but it I didn't like the sound of it. 'Bad things' never equated to anything good or healthy, especially someone who had an eating disorder.

Jade fell asleep, her grip on me tight. I texted my Mom about an hour go to tell her I'm sleeping over at Jades. I'm sure she'll be mad at me because I'm not technically allowed to stay out on a school night but this is an emergency. There is no way I'm leaving Jade alone tonight.

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**Sorry if this ruined your day or anything. Please review.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hii, I'm updating a lot because I have so many chapters already written and I just feel like it :P Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Sorry it's getting so heavy but it was always going to be.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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07/02/2011.

I'm really worried about Jade. She's distant and quiet and completely withdrawn herself from everyone. She's gone back to being cuddly all the time and not really eating at lunch or at all. I've told her every day for the past week that I'm worried and she needs to get help but she's in complete denial. The fact is, I can't force her to get help if she doesn't want it. I don't know what to do.

She almost fainted yesterday. It was the end of Lunch and I had just gone over to another table to talk with another student when I heard Andre shout me. I turned around and Beck had caught Jade mid-collapse and was sitting her down, making her hold her head between her knees.

"What have you eaten today Jade?" Beck asked sternly. "In fact it doesn't matter Andre go buy some pasta for her quick." Andre did as he said, quickly running to Festus' truck. Within seconds I was back at our table and had my arm around her.

"I'm here Jade, what's wrong?" I asked worriedly.

"I feel sick." Jade groaned. She started dry heaving which was alarming but once we managed to get her to sip some water, she stopped. Beck looked very, very concerned and even though I was trying not to show it my heart was racing. Beck, Andre, Jade and I were the only one's left in the canteen as we were missing class because of this. Jade refused to eat the pasta for a whole twenty minutes until Beck threatened to go get Lane. The threat was enough to convince her to eat some of it.

Eventually once Jade had eaten half, Andre and Beck left. I stayed with her, holding her hand and listening to her complain about Beck forcing her to eat when she felt sick.

"You felt sick because you were starving baby." I said gently.

"No I've felt sick all day and thats why I didn't want to eat." She insisted.

"Jade we know thats not true. Stop lying to us." I shook my head.

"I'm not! God! Why doesn't any body listen to me?!" Before I could say anything else on the matter, Jade climbed out of her seat and stormed off leaving me sat there feeling completely helpless. A part of me seriously wishes Beck had gone to get Lane. This is too much for any of us to handle anymore.

* * *

07/07/2011.

Theres two day's left until Jade's family get back. I really hope that seeing her brothers will make her happy again. I've tried everything to cheer her up but she just seems to be in a slump she can't get out of. She seems even more tired than usual and I can tell her eating disorder has gotten bad again because she feels smaller in my arms whenever I hold her. She basically confessed to purging yesterday. I don't know whether I should take that as a cry for help, because she usually denies it. But anyway, it was right after lunch and we had Music together. I was already there and when she sat down next to me I leant in to kiss her but she rejected me.

"Don't." Jade shifted her face away from mine.

"What?" I replied surprised.

"Just don't." Jade insisted.

"Okay." I replied dejectedly. She must have been able to sense I was upset about it because she looked at me and sighed.

"It's not you."

"Well whats wrong?" I asked confused. Jade looked around carefully to make sure no one was listening in.

"I forgot my toothbrush." Jade lowered her voice.

"Jade!" I frowned, realising immediately what that meant. She'd been making herself sick again.

"I'm fine. Just don't kiss me, its gross." Jade mumbled.

"But you're not fine Jade!" I seethed. The teacher began teaching giving Jade the perfect reason to ignore me. I don't know what came over me but for some reason my eyes filled with tears and before I knew it, silent, frightened tears were flowing down my cheeks. Jade noticed and squeezed my hand underneath the desk, but she didn't say anything. I don't know if she realises why I got so upset. I just feel like she's slowly killing herself.

Anyway she came over yesterday evening, really late. She texted me about midnight to say she was outside and I ran down to let her in. She immediately hugged me and started apologising.

"I'm sorry." Jade apologised. "I'm sorry I made you cry."

"You need help baby you really do." I pleaded with her. Jade brushed my hair behind my ears and began kissing me. I kissed her back, both of us trying almost to reassure the other with our lips.

"Can I sleep here? I'm lonely in my house." Jade said quietly.

"Of course you can." I assured her. We both jumped into my bed and just cuddled together the rest of the night. Jade was curled into my side and she was shivering despite giving her my warmest pyjamas. I just held her tightly, comforted by the fact. that she had came here. Comforted that she knew where to go to find comfort. She didn't completely hate herself.

* * *

07/10/2011.

Today was both the biggest scare and the biggest relief of my life. I'd made plans with Jade to go into town to buy new sheet music for our singing lessons but when I arrived at her house, she didn't meet me in the drive like we'd planned. I waited for ten minutes before jumping out and ringing the bell. Instead of Jade running to the door like I expected, a tiny person opened the door.

"Hello." I smiled at one of the twins "Are you.. Sam?" I attempted to guess.

"Yeah!" The seven year old looked pleased I'd got his name right.

"Is Jade in?" I asked, "We're meant to be going to the music store."

"No." Sam shook his head.

"Oh. Where is she?" I asked.

"My Daddy taked her to the hospical." Sam looked sad.

"Hospital?" I widened my eyes but tried not to let it show and scare the little boy.

"Jade fell asleep and my Daddy said she had to go to hospical" Sam nodded before looking up at me with tears in his eyes, "Is Jade going to heaven like my Mama?"

"I'm sure your sister is staying right here with you." I bent down and gave the little boy a hug. My heart was pounding in my chest though. I needed to figure out which hospital Jade was in and get there fast.

"Are you by yourself?" I asked, concerned why no one had noticed the seven year wasn't around.

"Lara is minding us." Sam said.

"Okay go back to Lara and don't answer the door again. Jade would tell you off wouldn't she?" Sam nodded.

"Thank you. Bye Sam." I helped the seven year old shut the front door and quickly got into my car. The nearest hospital to here was only a fifteen minute drive away so I drove there as fast as I could and ran into the reception. I totally lied and said I was her sister. Somehow they fell for it and gave me the ward and room number. I made my way up the lift to the fifth floor and then down the white plastered corridors until I came to the right place. I knocked on the door, panting for breath and a woman I'd only met once that I recognised as Jenn, Beck's Mom let me in. Jades Dad was sitting on a chair at the side of the bed and Jade herself was lying in it. Sheet white in colour. Huge bags under her eyes and an IV running into her hand.

"Oh my God. Tori." Jade sat up in the bed. I ran over and gave her a hug. I was just so glad she was alive.

"Sorry… I just went to your house… Sam told me… you're here… so I just came."

"Do you girls want a minute?" Jenn asked sympathetically. Jade nodded and somehow Becks Mom convinced Jades Dad to leave the room. The door clicked shut and I turned to Jade nervously. She looked exhausted. Too tired to fight anymore.

"I know what you're going to say," Jade frowned. "I failed you."

"You haven't failed me." I reassured her, sitting down on the chair next to her bed and holding her hand.

"I just worry." I started. "I just worry that one day I'll come over to your house.. and you won't be here anymore." Jade whimpered and closed her eyes.

"Shh you're ok." I said softly.

"I just did it too much. I puked too much." Jade cried.

"Yes you did." I agreed with her. She was finally admitting her behaviour was wrong.

"But it's ok. You're here now and the doctors can help you. You can stop this. You can get better now." I stroked her hair gently, and placed a kiss on her pale cheek whilst she got herself back in composure. A few minutes later there was another knock at the door and a doctor, a psychiatrist, Beck's Mom and Jade's Dad came back inside the room in that order. Jenn immediately came over to the other side of the bed and took hold of Jade's right hand. The doctor and psychiatrist looked very serious and her Dad even more so.

"Jade are you ok with all these people here whilst I talk to you?" The psychiatrist started.

"Yeah." Jade nodded weakly.

"In that case, you probably know by now we've been assessing you these past two days. Since you arrived here you've not touched any of your meals. Why is that?"

"Because the food here is disgusting!" Jade said immediately.

"Jade you're extremely underweight." The psychiatrist cut straight to the chase. "You meet all the criteria for Anorexia nervosa and we can tell after assessing your oesophagus that you've been force-vomiting." I saw a look of horror cross her face and she began sobbing hysterically. Jenn stood up and kissed her cheek. Hugging her closely.

"Shhh sweetie. It's ok." Jenn reassured her. For some reason I was shocked. I don't know why because this had been going on for months and I was fully aware that was what she had. It was just different hearing it from a psychiatrist. It made it a disease. A very real disease.

"I know its hard to hear but we can offer you help now." The psychiatrist said gently.

"I don't need anything!" Jade shouted.

"Jade listen to the doctor." Her Dad said sternly. Jenn rolled her eyes and just continued to rub Jades arm comfortingly.

"Do you disagree with that diagnosis?" The psychiatrist asked.

"Yes!"

"Then let me ask you this, why are you in hospital today Jade?" Jade looked down refusing to answer.

"How about I ask your friend, do you disagree with that diagnosis?" Suddenly all the adults attention turned to me and I froze. I didn't want to upset Jade but the truth needed out.

"I- uhm-" I struggled.

"Tori!" Jade looked at me pleadingly.

"Jade I'm sorry but you're killing yourself" I shook my head. The doctor immediately made a note on Jades records and Jenn looked heartbroken. Instead of fighting back Jade just covered her face with the bed sheet.

"Jade?" I said nervously.

"Just. Get. Out!" Jade yelled.

"Jade sweetie please we just want to help." Jenn said softly.

"Fuck off!" Jade screamed from under the covers. The doctor motioned us all out of the room so the psychiatrist could talk to Jade alone. I wanted to cry so badly but I didn't want to be sent away. I had no idea how I was allowed here in the first place. Once the door closed shut, we moved to the side where there were a couple more chairs and the doctor signified us to sit down.

"I can assure you there have been absolutely no warning signs." Jades father said to the doctor. I scoffed outraged. There were more warning signs than normal behaviour towards the end. He just didn't see them because he never paid Jade any attention.

"Well anorexics are often very good at hiding this type of behaviour, is her Mother in the picture at all?" The doctor asked.

"She's no longer with us I'm afraid." Jades Dad said solemnly.

"I see. I'm sorry for your loss." The doctor sympathised. Now it was Jenn's turn to scoff. She shook her head at James in complete disgust.

"We cant force her into anything but her bmi is dangerously low, if she continues to refuse food were looking at a feeding tube." The doctor said seriously

"No." I said shocked. "No she'll eat, she will."

"Whether she eats or not she needs therapy, her mental state at the moment is fragile. My colleague and I have already discussed this and we think it would be best if we admitted Jade as an inpatient to an eating disorder clinic." The doctor explained.

"You think we should send her away?" Jenn asked sadly.

"It's up to you. As her legal guardian you have the final decision. But I do think it would help her." The doctor nodded.

"I'll speak to her first and see what she wants first. But I will think seriously about it. I can tell she's not in her right frame of mind." Beck's Mom said sadly.

"Shouldn't I get a say since I'm biologically related to the girl?" Jades father said angrily.

"Oh shut up James. She's lying there like a skeleton and your going to fight me on rights for this? I suggest you don't start on me because I will take you to court and you know it!" Jenn yelled. I stopped listening to the two adults after this point as they continued to bicker. I didn't care who had the rights. As long as she got help. That was all that mattered.

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**:/ Sad but inevitable. Please, please review!.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks for reviewing the last chapter. This ones really a bit of a filler but it's necessary. Things start to look up :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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07/10/2011.

The psychiatrist was talking to Jade for a long time. Eventually they called Jenn in to discuss giving her a sedative to calm her down. When she came out an hour or so later Jades Dad went inside the room for five minutes before coming back out and informing us that Jade seemed better so he was going to go home to check on the twins. Jenn left with him, leaving me to talk to Jade alone. I stepped inside the her hospital room and Jade was in bed. She was slightly lucid from the sedative, but still awake.

"Jade?" I sat down at her bedside.

"Leave me alone Tori, I'm sick and tired of hearing your shit today." Jade grumbled, rolling over.

"Somebody I know very well once told me they often say they want to be alone when they don't really want to be." I repeated her own words solemnly. Jade stayed silent.

"I just wanted a hug.. But I guess I'll just leave if I annoy you that much." I got up from my seat.

"Tor." Jade grabbed my hand before I could get very far, pulling me back to her bed. Jade wrapped her arms around my back hugging me and I sat down next to her holding her. She kissed me and I let her because God I needed the comfort. But after a minute of kissing, I pulled back.

"Look where we are Jade." I sighed. Jade glanced around the room then back at me. "You want this, then this has to stop." I knew my threat was weak. If she wasn't going to get better for herself then it was unlikely she'd get better for me.

"I'm fine." Jade insisted. I was starting to really get sick of hearing her say that.

"No Jade. They want to put a feeding tube in you." I said seriously.

"What?" Jade looked shocked.

"Yes. Unless you start eating, I think it's inevitable." Jade looked upset so I took her hand and squeezed it.

"I don't need it." She said quietly.

"Jade I want to believe you.. but how can I when you refuse to eat or vomit if you do?" I asked her softly "And you lie to me about it."

"I'm sorry." Jade mumbled.

"Prove that you're sorry. Don't lie to me again. If you have a bad day I'd rather you told me the truth than make me think you're fine if you're not."

"But there's way more bad days than good days, you'll hate me." Jade shook her head, her voice sounding choked up.

"No. Listen to me." I looked into her eyes. " I know you're struggling at the minute. You're in hospital. I don't expect you to be perfect."

"You should stay away from me, I'm disgusting!" She said harshly.

"You're not disgusting at all Jade." I disagreed. She laid her head down on the pillow and yawned. "You're exhausted."

"Not eating does that to you." Jade confessed. It was one of the first times I'd heard her openly admit she was starving herself.

"Do you want some food?" I offered.

"No." She immediately refused. "I'm too tired to eat."

"Jade. Feeding tube. Remember." I frowned.

"Im too tired." Jade snuggled her face into the pillow, ignoring me.

"You do realise that's completely illogical, but I'll let you get some sleep. I'll see you soon." I promised her.

"See you."

I left her to sleep because she evidently needed it and came back home. It scares me slightly that she's been in hospital for two days and still hasn't eaten anything. She's on an IV and medication for electrolytes because they think the reason she was passing out so much was caused by a chemical imbalance rather than lack of food. I thought getting her into hospital would force her to eat, but I guess it's not that simple. She's moving to the eating disorder facility in four days so hopefully they'll be used to dealing with patients that refuse food. Hopefully they will get her to eat.

* * *

07/12/2011.

I came back to the hospital today planning on visiting Jade however when I got there I realised she already had a visitor. Beck's Mom Jenn was already there and I could tell just from the couple of minutes I hung outside the door that Jade was upset. I could see them through the window and Jenn was lying on the bed next to Jade who had her head buried into the older woman's chest and was crying.

"I just feel like I've let Mom down." Jade whimpered.

"No. Not even close beautiful, why would you think that?" Jenn stroked her hair gently.

"She fought so hard to live and to be well and I'm the one making myself sick." Jade said, her voice pained.

"Jade anorexia and bulimia are illnesses. They're mental illnesses but that doesn't make them any less real." Beck's mother assured her.

"Everyone thinks I'm a freak." Jade sniffed.

"Who said that?" Jenn questioned her.

"No one I just know thats what my friends will be thinking."

"Well Beck for one doesn't think that, he's just very worried about you." Jenn told her softly.

"Beck doesn't count." Jade grumbled.

"Why not?" Jenn raised an eyebrow.

"Because he's Beck. He's a weirdo." Jade exclaimed causing his Mother to laugh out loud. Jade laughed slightly too after this and Jenn wiped her eyes.

"Well what about your girlfriend." Jenn pointed out.

"I doubt she'll want to be my girlfriend after all this." Jade said sadly. My heart hurt as I thought back to what I'd said two days ago.. _If you want this, this has to stop. _It was careless to say the least.

"You need to trust people a bit more sweetheart. Have a little faith in your loved ones. She doesn't seem like she's going anywhere to me." Jenn reassured her. I nodded subconsciously. I wasn't going anywhere.

"Jenn?" Jade sniffed.

"Yeah?" The older woman replied.

"I'm glad you're here." Jade said quietly. Jenn looked down into her teary eyes and smiled kissing her on the forehead.

"I love you Jade. Don't forget that. You need a Mom right now, and even though I'll never be able to replace Olivia. I promised her I'd take care of you when she left us and I don't intend on breaking that promise."

Jade said nothing but began to cry hard. Jenn just hugged and held onto her tiny frame. She seemed completely unlike herself. Tired, teary, completely done with everything. Jenn didn't comment on it though. She just held her closely and repeated. "You'll always have me."

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07/14/2011.

I took my first journey to Valewood Eating Recovery Center today. It actually isn't as far away from Hollywood as I thought and it only took about an hour and a half in the car. It seems like quite a strict facility. Visiting hours were restricted to only a couple of hours on a weeknight and a few more on the weekends. Residents at Valewood followed a strict daily timetable and compulsory therapy, but at the moment due to Jades medical instability, these rules didn't apply.

I was surprised when I knocked on the door that it wasn't Jade that called me in but Jenn. Jade was asleep snuggled up to the older woman who had her arms wrapped around her and was gently stroking her palm up and down her back.

"Hi" Jenn smiled.

"Hey. Is it alright if I come in?" I asked unsurely.

"Yeah of course." Jenn replied. I took a good look around the room. It was warm and cosy and for a hospital unit it was surprisingly nicely decorated. There was a desk and a wardrobe, an arm chair and an en-suite. Once I'd taken in everything, I turned my attention back to Jade and Jenn.

"She got a bit upset after talking to the assessment psychiatrist" Jenn explained. "Sorry I'm probably stealing your spot."

"No I think she needed you more than me." I sat down in the armchair. "Wheres her Dad?"

"Tsk god knows." Jenn shook her head. "How are you doing anyway hun? Sorry I left you so quickly the other day. I'd left Beck and my husband to fend for themselves for over 24 hours and their track record for not doing something incredibly stupid in that amount of time is.. pretty terrible."

I found myself laughing. Jenn seemed to be a very welcoming person and knew exactly what to say to make a strange environment and a strange situation feel a lot less strange.

"No but seriously. Are you ok?" Jenn asked again.

"Me? I'm good." I replied. struggling to suppress my grimace.

"Hmm you sound just like Beck" Jenn said suspiciously.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I spoke to him about this last night he said the exact same thing." Jenn informed me. I didn't really know what to say so I just looked down at my hands. I knew my face was revealing too much of what I really felt.

"It took Beck 4 hours before I got a very teary confession that he's known about this for a very long time."

"Well I haven't known for as long as him." I admitted.

"You still shouldn't feel guilty." Jenn said softly. I closed my eyes wondering how she'd read my mind like that. The only thing I'd been feeling besides worry for these past few days was guilt.

"Its hard not to when you can see her like this." I looked over at my girlfriend. She looked like a child encased by Jenn's arms and I was hit with even harder stabs of guilt.

"She's always been very good at convincing people she's coping with things. I doubt there is anything you could have done to change the outcome."

"I just think we handled it badly." I confessed.

"I don't think there's a right way to handle these sorts of things. Don't dwell on what led to this point sweetie. She's here now. And she's where she needs to be." Jenn said reassuringly.

"How do you do that?" I asked

"Read minds? Its a special talent." Jenn smiled. Just as she did, Jade began to stir in her arms. probably detecting our voices.

"Hi sweetie, are you feeling better?" Jenn pushed the hair away from her face.

"Mmmpf." Jade rubbed her eyes.

"Is it ok if I get going for a bit? I'll be back to see you in the morning." Jenn said softly

"Okay" Jade replied still kind of asleep. I watched sadly as Jade sat up. I saw how much energy it took from her and she almost immediately began shaking, struggling to lift her head up properly. Jenn stacked a couple of pillows behind her back to get her more comfy.

"Are you alright?" Jenn asked once she'd slipped out of the bed.

"Yeah." Jade smiled as Beck's Mom gave her a hug goodbye.

"Alright bye girls" Jenn picked up her purse and left the room. As soon as the door closed and Jenn left, I stood up and went to sit next to her on the bed.

"Beck's Moms so nice." I said softly.

"I know." Jade nodded. An awkward silence fell between us.

"What do you think of it here?" I asked at a loss of what to say.

"It's weird." Jade shrugged.

"Do you think it will help?" I asked.

"Maybe." Jade replied. I blinked surprised. I had completely expected her usual defensive snap telling me she didn't need any help.

"Maybe? As in you have something that needs help?" I clarified.

"Mmhm." Jade nodded, "I need help stopping being sick and eating properly."

I was stunned. I had not expected her to say that so soon. She'd been so defensive for so long. But she seemed exhausted. Defeated already.

"You know what?" I took hold of her hand. "The first step to getting better.. is admitting there's a problem."

Jade smiled and I shuffled closer to her to kiss her. Jade kissed me back slinking her arms around my neck and pulled me down to lay next to her.

"I think you'll be out of here before you know it." I reassured her.

"I hope so." Jade whispered back. We lay together for a while. Jade, not really seeming at all in a talkative mood just listened whilst I told her what I'd done in school today. After a while though she started chatting to me more and opening up a little more about this place. She was being made to do yoga which she thought was the stupidest thing in the world. Cognitive behavioural therapy, peer support, body image therapy, and grievance support. The last one didn't surprise me. It was obvious from her sudden huge relapse after she'd been forced by her father to deal with her Mothers birthday alone that she hadn't fully grieved or moved past her loss.

"Okay." I sat up and pulled my bag onto the bed.

"What are you doing?" Jade asked.

"Just wait." I pulled out a pair of scissors and some white, blue and purple card and put it on the bed.

"Ok so this is just an idea and you don't have to do it, but it involves scissors so you know you might wanna listen." I explained.

"You want me to express my thoughts through arts and crafts." Jade smirked.

"No shush listen." I poked her arm lightly. "I might have done a bit of googling last night and I came across this thing called the paper chain project. You can make a paper chain using these colours. If you have a good day and meet your calorie target then you add a purple chain, if you don't meet the target then add a blue chain and if you purge you can add a white chain."

"What does that achieve?" Jade asked skeptically.

"Well overtime the paper chain will grow in length and you can see your progress and see that even if you do relapse, you can look at the chain and realise how far you have made it." I explained. "It also means, if you don't want to talk to me about it, you could just text me a colour. Or you could do it privately.. It's up to you."

"But what if the chain never gets colourful?" Jade said negatively.

"I'm sure it will. If you want it to, it will." I assured her, spreading the coloured card in front of her. "What colour would it be today so far?"

Jade looked at the three colours carefully as if contemplating the idea before sighing. "White."

I was careful to keep my face neutral because even though that answer upset me, I knew if I showed any disappointment to Jade right now it would ruin the whole thing.

"Ok so the first chain is white." I handed Jade the scissors and the white card. Jade cut a strip off and secured it into a circle. She seemed skeptical.

"It's a starting point." I assured her. "And it's ok if theres more white and blue at first because it will take time. Will you do it?"

Jade nodded "I guess."

"But it wont work if you lie. Promise me to tell the truth and I promise whatever the colour is I won't get mad or upset or anything." I assured her.

"Okay." Jade hugged me. I hugged her back for the first time in a long, long time feeling like maybe I'd actually done something right. And maybe this was a step in the right direction.

* * *

**The paper chain project is actually a really helpful visual aid if you're struggling with purging, ****self harm, negative thoughts or anything else that hurts you and you want to stop. I'm not sure who started it, but if you want any more information on it then feel free to message me about it and I'll put a link on my profile. But even if you just google _The Paper Chain Project_ you will find so much. At first it does feel really, really stupid or that it won't help at all, but over time you realise you become proud of your little colourful chain. It really can help. x**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for reviewing! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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07/30/2011.

I haven't been back to the Eating Recovery Center since I told Jade about the paper chain project. The main reason for that is because once her electrolyte imbalance and health improved enough to get her mobile again, she started treatment. I saw a sample of what a day at Valewood was like and it was busy and everything from snack-time to bathroom break was planned.

She's seems to have been doing the paper chain project though. She's texted me every night since she started it. So far since the first day all the chains have been blue. And even though that means she's not meeting the calorie target, it's a lot better than white at the moment. The purging was her more immediate danger because of the chemical imbalances it was causing. It's better for her to be eating less and purging less than eating more and purging more.

This seems completely insignificant now in comparison to everything that's happened recently, but Beck and I are friends again. I pulled him over at lunch and apologised for blaming him for the eating disorder and treating him badly. He apologised for making it worse and we hugged it out. I guess Jade being put in hospital put things into perspective for us and our argument was just dumb. It's still very weird back at school without her there. People keep asking me where she is and I don't know what I'm supposed to say so I've just been saying treatment. I haven't specified what for but it's not hard for everyone to guess.

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08/19/2011.

I know I haven't wrote in this in a long time.. and I'm sorry. I just don't really have much to say. Things in my life haven't been too great at the moment. To explain I have to take you back to three weeks ago.

It was a Thursday evening. Everyone else had gone to bed but I was still up watching TV. I was really tired and starting to fall asleep when all of a sudden my phone rang, making me jump. I looked at the screen and I realised Jade was calling me. I was a little suspicious because she didn't usually call me this late but I didn't expect what happened to happen.

"Hey babe." I answered brightly, but my face immediately fell when I overheard Jade snivelling and crying on the other end. "Shh calm down, whats wrong?" I said concerned. It took Jade a long time to open up to me, but when she did my heart sunk.

"Whh-ite" Jade sobbed. Knowing that one word was explanation enough.

"Ok its a set back, but it doesn't matter." I assured her.

"It was almost purple but I just couldn't.. I just felt so fat and disgusting." Jade cried, her voice sounding completely distraught "I hate myself."

"Shhh Jade, where are you?" I asked alarmed. She sounded more unstable than I'd ever heard her.

"I'm in the bathroom." Jade whimpered. I realised she must have phoned me straight away after. I felt awful for her.

"Ok go back to bed." I instructed calmly. I heard her cough, choking slightly and crying more.

"Breathe Jade." I said softly. After a couple more minutes, I heard her opening her bathroom door and I breathed a sigh of relief she'd got herself out of there.

"Lie down. Just give yourself a few minutes. I won't go anywhere." I instructed. She was breathing hard and seemed very shaken. But I didn't speak again until she did.

"I don't know how to do it." Jade eventually quivered.

"Do what?" I asked.

"This Tori!" Her next words were what shocked me completely "I'm sorry but I don't think I can be your girlfriend."

"What?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure I believed what she was saying.

"I can't take the pressure and the guilt when i disappoint you." Jade explained. I just couldn't believe her. She hadn't disappointed me that she'd relapsed. I was just concerned she'd make her electrolytes go all weird again.

"Jade you're not disappointing me. Ever!" I said firmly.

"But I am Tori and maybe you don't feel it but I do and I hate it. I hate that I can't stop letting you down." She sounded angry now. And her tears seemed less frantic and more exhausted.

"Sweetie.." I sighed.

"I want to get better." Jade interrupted firmly, "But that's not going to happen in this relationship. I'm sorry Tori."

I was completely silent. She was breaking up with me.

"Are you sure this is how you feel? Not just because you're upset." I asked quietly

"I've thought about this for a while.. I love you Tori, but my life is shit right now. Tonight was just the last straw. I'm not good for you." Jade said, sounding calmer than she'd done at all for the rest of the conversation.

"I love you too Jade." My throat felt awful, like I'd swallowed a tennis ball or something and my eyes were so cloudy with tears and I felt hot.

"If you mean that then you have to let me do this by myself." Jades voice cracked.

"Ok." I whispered. My hands were shaking as I tried desperately not to cry.

"Ok?" Jade confirmed.

"Mmhm." I mumbled. That was it. We were broken up.

"Wait.. Can you still text me the colours?" I suddenly remembered. Jade sighed sounding unsure. "I won't reply, unless you want me too. But please just let me know how you're doing with the project."

"I can do that." Jade said eventually. I somehow smiled, even though I was devastated.

"Well.. Bye Vega." Jade mumbled.

"Bye Jade." I hung up quickly as I was unable to hold my crying in anymore. I ran upstairs to my bedroom and curled under my duvet crying as hard as I could. It hurt. I knew why she did it. Our relationship started in such a bad place for her. It was inevitably going to end this way. But it still hurt. It still hurts.

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**Sad Tori :(**

**Do you think Jade was right to break up with her?**


	18. Chapter 18

**This chapter is similar to chapter 11, A flash back within a ****flash forward. I hope you get it :) I kind of adapted "Opposite Date" to fit in here. You'll see what I mean when I get to it.  
**  
**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/04/2021.

The wedding photographs were perfect. I loved them all. There were ones with all the guests together, with just me and Jade, with our parents, with Sam, Charlie and Trina, and one of my favourites, a group picture with Cat, Robbie, Beck and Andre. All the photographs were taken in the sun and amongst the greenery of the park and everyone looked beautiful.

We spent hours looking through them all and deciding which were our favourites and which we wanted framed for the house. It was really fun, but we ended up abandoning them all over the floor of the bedroom whilst we left to take more honeymoon photographs on the beach, deciding we didn't have enough already.

The rest of the day we just spent relaxing. After lunch Jade was tired, but I was anxious to go exploring a little bit so I left her to chill in the villa whilst I cycled inland. I didn't do much but I explored some of the shops and markets. I bought souvenirs and some exotic fruits to make some sort of fruit salad with. There were so many little stalls selling coconuts to drink their milk and it made me laugh, reminding me of our old drama teacher Sikowitz. I bought two coconuts for the nostalgia.

When I got back to the villa about two hours later Jade was laying on the balcony and typing on her laptop. I took the fruit and put it in the fridge then joined her.

"Whatcha doing?" I pecked her lightly on the cheek.

"Writing a story." Jade replied simply.

"What's it about?" I asked.

"A popular girl whose best friend dies from bulimia." Jade answered casually. My heart stopped as it always did when I heard the content of her writing. She has a tendency to write about stuff like this and I'm used to it, and I know it's nothing to worry about. But it still stuns me.

"Uh huh." I exhaled anxiously.

"Sorry." Jade apologised, noticing how uncomfortable I'd become.

"No it's fine.. I'm just intrigued. Are you sure this is healthy?" I asked.

"Nope." Jade replied truthfully. "But it helps me.. sort my thoughts."

"Alright." I nodded, rolling over so I was lying on my back. "Still thinking you should talk to your therapist about it."

"I might." Jade agreed. "Although not until I've finished this because this one's a bestseller, I'm not lying."

I chuckled. The last time Jade had said that she'd been right. I completely freaked out when I read the novel as eating disorders played an extremely large role in the story. I wasn't the only one who confronted her on it as Jenn, Beck and Sam all read the novel and immediately got concerned. But Jade insisted she was fine, it wasn't a relapse, it was just.. a story. A story that sold almost 1 million copies and turned out to be a New York Times bestseller.

It was a touching story and semi-autobiographical. Jade insisted that none of the characters were based on us but just reading it I could pick out Cat, Beck and myself. It was so weird reading things that happened from Jades point of view. They were nothing like how I experienced them, nothing like how I thought she experienced them and explained a lot of things that Jade had done of said when she was younger.

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" Jade asked.

"Are you saying this to reassure me or because you actually want to go out for dinner?" I poked her tummy playfully. Jade batted my hand away smirking.

"I heard there's an amazing seafood restaurant about six miles along the beach and I'm really craving salmon." Jade closed her laptop and sat up properly. She gestured me towards her so that my legs were straddling her knees and she kissed me.

"That sounds nice" I replied when our lips broke apart.

"Yay." Jade smiled, brushing my hair off my shoulders and behind my neck. We continued kissing getting more and more heated. Jade pulled my dress over my body so I was only in my panties having skipped the bra today. Jade just sucked and kissed and played with my breasts until I couldn't bare it and flipped her over to do the same to her. We ended up having risky sex on the balcony. It was unlikely anyone could see from here but the slight chance only raised the intensity and we did it several times before stopping.

We showered and got ready for dinner. Luckily the restaurant wasn't too busy so even though we hadn't booked a table there were plenty available. The waiter instantly recognised us and showed us to a table upstairs that had an amazing view of the ocean and the island. We literally stared at it for twenty minutes before even glancing at the menus. When we finally ordered, Jade got her salmon and I had the sea bass and lemon tart.

"Didn't you and Beck go out for bad seafood one time?" Jade smirked.

"Oh God don't talk about it" I shuddered.

"No this story makes me laugh." Jade folded her arms and put down her fork waiting for me to tell the story. I rolled my eyes trying to remember back to the day I'd agreed to it.

The entire summer had passed and I hadn't heard from Jade since she'd broken up with me. She texted me a colour every night like she promised but other than that, nothing. She seemed to have erased all her friends from her life including Cat and Andre which shocked me a lot. I got why she wasn't talking to me and on some level Beck, but I couldn't understand why she wasn't talking to her other friends who had nothing to do with her eating disorder

So it was safe to say I was still pretty miserable on the first day back at Hollywood Arts. I glanced around for signs that Jade was back but it didn't surprise me that she wasn't. I saw Andre, Beck and Robbie hanging out near my locker so I went over and said hey. They were nice and included me in the conversation even though I hadn't hung out with any of them all summer, I was grouchy and not in the mood for talking or laughing so when Cat came over and was all giggly and giddy, I just walked away.

By the end of the day I was more than ready to go home. To sulk in my bedroom and avoid socialising as much as I could. This break up was so different to any of the other's I'd gone through. I'd always had a reason to be mad at my ex's and to be honest, I don't think I was in love with any of them. With Jade it was different. Being apart from her only made me more aware that I was in love with her. I was fucking in love with her.. but being with me made her worse. I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at the stupid eating disorder that ruined everything and hurt the girl I loved.

"Hey Tori!" Beck jogged over to me in the parking lot.

"Hi." I replied unenthusiastically.

"Are you alright? You're were really quiet today." Beck frowned.

"Yeah I'm okay. It's just a bit weird being back here without Jade." I confessed.

"I thought it might be that. Need some cheering up?" Beck smiled. "How about you and I have a date with a California's largest dinosaur bone."

"No offence Beck but I really don't want to go on a date with my ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriend." I raised an eyebrow.

"Then don't do that. Hang out as a friend with your friend." Beck shrugged. I looked at him skeptically whilst inside my head I debated it.

"Tor. It's me. I know we haven't exactly been best friends this year but I still care and I'm worried about you." Beck said softly.

"Alright fine. But it's not a date!" I said pointedly. Beck put his hands up.

"I have a girlfriend." Beck reminded me, "I know we can go on an opposite date."

"An opposite date?" I questioned him.

"We won't dress nice, we'll eat terrible food and we'll do something un-fun, then it's not a date" Beck explained his logic. I thought the whole thing sounded stupid but I decided why the heck not. "See you at seven?"

"I am not looking forward to it." I smiled back.

We agreed to meet at the museum of large bones and for once I was actually kind of glad to be hanging out with a friend. It made no sense to punish myself forever or to avoid leaving the house. It was a break up, not the end of the world. We met up and we both dressed sloppily. Beck was in sweats and I wore old clothes. It was ridiculous but we actually had fun. We went to the disgusting seafood truck and ate clams and then afterwards we went to Elsaridge park where we literally ran around like little kids.

"When Jade and I were kids we used to have a den somewhere in this bush." Beck informed me.

"How on earth did you get through there?" I laughed looking at the dense bush.

"You wanna see?" Beck smiled pointing to the bush.

"..Yeah ok." I grinned. Beck walked around to a little opening near the edge and offered me a hand up. I climbed through and found myself surrounded by plants.

"But if you tell Jade I let you in our secret passageway she might kill you, -or me, -or both of us." Beck looked scared for a moment before shrugging and leading me through the bush. The passageway was filthy, bugs were everywhere, and my hair kept getting caught on the twigs but I was intrigued so I kept going until we finally got to a small opening with some logs and Beck stopped.

"This is it?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. It's awesome!" Beck insisted.

"It's a dirty bush." I laughed out loud.

"What did you expect, a trapdoor to an exclusive club house?" Beck grinned.

"Well.. kind of." I chuckled sitting down on a log.. "But no you're right, this is much cooler."

"I remember this one time, my Aunt Liv bought us tons of sheets and blankets and pillows and we made a huge den type thing and everything got filthy. And then in the evening My Mom, Jades Mom, me and Jade sat in here and we told ghost stories."

"That sounds so much fun." I smiled.

"Yeah for my Aunt Liv and Jade!" Beck widened his eyes in horror, "Me and my Mom were clinging onto each other, praying for them to stop."

I laughed imagining Jenn and mini Beck hugging in a den made of blankets whilst Jade told a freaky story, probably a kid version of clowns don't bounce.

"Beck.. what was Jade's Mom like?" I asked curiously. Beck sat down on the log next to me. He was quiet for a moment and I hoped he was okay talking about it. From what I'd learned, Jenn and Olivia had been so close they practically parented each others children. So Beck's Aunt Liv was probably a lot closer to him than most parents friends. Obviously it wasn't the same as losing your actual Mom but he definitely lost someone important.

"She was a really nice person." Beck started, "I mean she died when I was twelve so I only know her as like.. up to what a twelve year old can know. But I remember she was so funny. She just did crazy things all the time and no one ever stopped her. Like it would be pouring with rain and Jade's Mom would be like.. Lets go for ice cream or me and Jade would be doing homework and she would start playing music at full volume and dance and make us join in."

"She sounds hilarious."

"She was definitely that." Beck smiled slightly sadly "Jade idolised her."

"I can see why." I exhaled downheartedly. The more I learned about Jades Mom, the more I realised why Jade was quite so devastated by her death. Obviously she was going to be upset, but Olivia seemed to be Jades inspiration, Jades best friend and everything to her she possibly could be. She'd lost more than just a Mom.

"She's doing alright you know?" Beck changed to talking about Jade. "My Mom goes to see her twice a week and she's gaining weight. She's getting back to normal."

"When is she coming back?" I asked him hopefully.

"I don't know that.." he frowned. "I just know my Mom seems more positive about her recovery."

I smiled feeling positive myself. Even though Jade texted me the colours every night it was still nice to know she had someone visit her. The paper chain project texts were nearly always Blue these days. So when all you had was the same boring text message it was difficult to picture her getting better, but knowing Jenn was hopeful made me feel better about it.

"Thanks for showing me this place" I gave Beck a hug. "And for telling me about your Aunt."

"No problem. Don't do a Jade, talk to us Tori we're your friends." Beck advised me.

"I'll remember now." I assured him.

That evening things took a turn for the worst in the tummy department and I seriously regretted eating anything at that horrible sea food truck. But the rest of the evening had been fun. I liked hearing about Olivia West and how crazy she'd been, how much she and Jade had in common. I hoped that someday I'd be able to ask Jade about her Mother first hand. And that day came.. eventually. And to be honest, it was worth waiting for.. the stories only got funnier.

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**Aww I love Beck in this story.. he's kinda sweet :) Review if you like.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks for reviewing guys! I'm so happy you're getting into the story :) There's quite a lot of time skips in this one so make sure you check the dates! Tell me if you think it's too sparse. It's still Tori's diary and I imagine she does it everyday but these are just the important dates she reads over on her honeymoon.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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09/18/2011.

It's been three and a half months since Jade was admitted to the eating recovery center. I wouldn't say I'm over Jade. But I'm happier. I'm getting used to being back at school and I'm enjoying all my senior classes. Andre and I already got 100% on our songwriting assignment and my compulsory courses are all going well. Cat had a huge party in her house the other night and invited almost our whole grade and then some. It was so much fun, I only felt a little downhearted when I saw a picture of Cat and Jade in her bedroom and I realised how much Jade was missing out on.

Beck's been giving me updates on how Jade's been doing. His Mom still visits her often and from what I've been told, she's getting better. She's eating more and she realises now that she actually has a problem. She still texts me every night letting me know how she's doing with the paper chain project. And until today they only ever said white or blue. But a few hours ago, I finally got something else.

_Purple :)_

I don't think I've ever smiled more than I have in my life at such a tiny text. I read it and read it and reread it. It was just the perfect text. I knew I'd agreed not to text her but I just couldn't help it and sent her a smiley back. :)

I hope this means she'll start gaining her weight back and getting her life back on track. She really is missing out on so much whilst she's in there. It's a good place for her to be, but it will be nice to have her around again. And even if she's not my girlfriend, then as a friend.

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10/01/2011.

I went over to Beck's with Robbie and Cat to study math this evening because we have a really important test coming up in a few days. I've been to Beck's house before but I've never paid attention to the photographs decorating the mantlepiece and around the kitchen. There were so many of Jade and Beck as kids and a few of the twins. It was nice to know Jade still had people that considered her family outside of her father and stepmother.

Beck's Mom spoke to me for a while and she told me a little bit about what's been going on with Jade. Her self-worth was non-existent when she first got admitted which probably explains why she tried to isolate herself from everyone. She felt like she just didn't deserve friends or family or love or food.

Jenn had actually been attending a family counselling session with her (because her Father refused.) And in one particular session, Jade admitted restricting, binging and purging made her feel closer to her Mom. There were apparently a lot of tears that day, from both of them. But it was from that point on that she started getting better. Her fear of gaining weight was related to the fear of losing closeness with her Mom. Combined with the anorexic voice that told her she didn't deserve to eat anyway explained why she starved herself so obsessively. I was horrified that the issues went that deep. I just kind of assumed she was doing it because she thought she was fat. I had no idea it was so.. complicated and according to Jenn, what she told me only scratched the surface.

Anyway, we got our revision done and I'm feeling pretty good about the math exam. Jade sent me a text around 11pm that said purple. Every day has been purple, except one white for the past three weeks. It's reassuring even after what Jenn told me today which revealed the extent of her problems. I think she's getting better. I can't wait to see her again.

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10/19/2011.

I think Jade's been having some sort of relapse. I can't be sure but for the last week all the paper chain texts have all said white. I got another one last night and it was the last straw. I couldn't not say anything anymore. I picked up my phone and texted her back.

Be strong Jade.

_I'm trying but it's hard._

It's hard but you've done it before, you can definitely do it again.

_I miss you._

I miss you too. That's why you need to get better. Get out of there and come be with me. :)

She didn't text me back after that but I got my paper chain text today and it said purple. Hopefully she's back on track. I wish she'd let me visit her. I know she thinks she's better dealing with this by herself and I respect her decision. I just think she needs reminding that she's worth it. She deserves to recover. I hope she knows that.

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10/27/2011.

It's almost November and Jade's still not back. The frequency of her white's is a lot less now, maybe once a week at most. Nearly all the other texts are purple which is positive. Beck told me it's Sam and Charlie's eighth birthday in a month so I really hope Jade gets out in time to go to their birthday party. Apparently their Dad didn't want them to celebrate but Beck's been babysitting them at the weekend whilst Jade's been at Valewood so that they're not trapped inside constantly and he insisted on organising a birthday party for them. James West gave in fairly easily provided he had nothing to do with it.

Jade's Dad just seems to not care. He's not particularly a bad person he's just uncaring, unsympathetic, unloving. It bewilders me how someone who seem's as loving and lighthearted as Olivia was married to someone like that. I guess opposites really do attract. Maybe she brought out another side to him that no one else got to see. I don't know. I'm an outsider in this situation. But whatever happens, he better not put Jade's recovery in jeopardy when she gets back.

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11/12/2011.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Just when I thought it was never going to happen it happened! I was with Beck, Cat, Andre and Robbie outside my locker before class this morning. We were all just talking and discussing the latest episode of celebrities under water when a voice that none of us had heard in a long time interrupted.

"Are you kidding me Robbie? It was so fake. He only did the backflip for the votes."

I think all of us stopped and turned our heads at the same time as a couple of seconds of silence overwhelmed us. Jade was there, schoolbag over her shoulder, still very slim but looking much, much better than she did the last time I saw her.

"Jadeyyy!" Cat squealed, jumping into Jades arms. Jade smiled and gave the red head a quick hug but pushed her off once she got too clingy.

"Welcome back Jade." Beck smiled giving her a small hug.

"Thanks. And just in time I think, the new kids do not look scared at all."

"Be nice." Beck said sternly

"Yeah no promises." Jade smirked. Andre and Robbie both told her they were happy to have her back and caught up with her for five minutes. I just stood there with my eyes wide. I just hadn't seen this Jade in so long. She just seemed so much better and so much happier. She caught my eye and smiled but didn't say anything. When she finally approached me I still couldn't formulate an actual sentence or process how I felt.

"Hi." Jade said simply.

"Um.. hi." I stumbled over that tiny word - I was being so awkward. Luckily Jade seemed to find it funny.

"Surprised?" Jade smiled.

"Uh huh." I nodded, still entranced by the rosy colour of her cheeks and small curve of her figure she was starting to get back. For some annoying reason, I started to well up with tears.

"Vega." Jade poked me in the arm, noticing I was crying.

"Sorry I can't get over how amazing you look." I croaked, shaking my head.

"You don't look too bad yourself." Jade smirked. We both laughed whilst I wiped my eyes but the tears kept flowing.

"Oh god stop me!" I laughed. Instead Jade just pulled me into a hug and honestly it was the best feeling in the world. She was warm and comforting and the contrast between Jade now and the cold, weak, shaky person I had held in my arms a few months ago was amazing. Unfortunately the bell rang, forcing us to end our hug and I went to class wondering if that really just happened. The tingling of my whole body from Jade hugging me being my only proof that I hadn't just imagined the whole thing.

Jade was back and in full swing. The only moment today that she looked a little anxious was at lunch, but I feel like she had good reason. We were all sitting around our usual table including Andre, Robbie, Cat, Beck, Beck's girlfriend Megan, Sinjin and Burf. Everyone kept glancing at Jade waiting to see her eat and I could tell it was freaking her out. They didn't mean any harm by it but I really wished they'd stop.

After another five minutes I followed my instinct and reached for Jades hand under the table. She gladly took it and squeezed my fingers tightly. She hadn't touched her lunch and still, everyone was watching and she knew it. I could tell she wasn't going to eat with all this pressure on her so not wanting her to have a set back on her first day, I started a sort of debate with the rest of the table. Within a few minutes everyone was loudly discussing the latest shocking video on splash face completely distracted. Even I didn't notice Jade opening her pasta salad and taking her first bite, but I was relieved she did it. She ate slow and didn't finish it all, but she stayed at the table which was the main thing that mattered.

I wasn't sure if I'd done the right thing or if she'd minded me obviously stepping in like that but later on this evening, just after we'd finished dinner, I received a text from Jade. It was short but reassuring and it made me smile.

_Blue. Thanks for what you did at lunch. Missed you. X_

I missed you too. And no problem. See you tomorrow. X

I'm still in disbelief she's back. I think she still has a long way to go but she's smiling again and taking part in classes and talking and back to being her sarcastic, witty, funny self. The only thing is.. seeing her today made me realise how much I still care about her. My feelings for her haven't changed since she went to the eating recovery center and I don't think they will. But I'm not going to say anything. I think she has enough to be dealing with without me making things complicated. For now, I'm just happy she's home.

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**Fluff! Please review. I'll try to update tomorrow if I can but I'm coming to a bit of a blank in my writing. I have most of the chapters already planned but these next ones really could be anything :D they're all going to be very fluffy so if you have any ideas or anything fun you'd like me to make Jade and Tori do over the next few chapters then let me know. x x**


	20. Chapter 20

**:)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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11/26/2011.

It's been two weeks since Jade returned to school and although I know she's still dealing with all the eating disorder stuff, it's completely uplifting to see her doing so well. She's honestly more herself than I'd seen her the whole of this year just funny and weird in an endearing kind of way. And yes she does struggle a little bit at lunch but I think everyone's realised this now and don't stare which is helping. I usually sit next to her just as silent support.

We both got lead roles in one of Sikowitz wacky original plays along with Cat and Beck. Rehearsals start on Thursday and the opening night is in February and I'm really excited about it. Cat and Beck are the main love interest whereas I come in and try to mess things up. Jade is a man. Which for some reason she is delighted about. She said she hasn't had the chance to use her man voice in a while. I don't even.. whatever.

School is also holding the first kickback of the semester on Friday which should be fun. I can't believe this is our last year at Hollywood Arts and that there won't be many of these left - sad face. I guess that just means we have to make the most of them. Sorry if this entry was boring. Life is good I guess. And there's a lot less to moan about. Hehe.

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11/30/2011.

Me, Beck, and Jade went shopping today for supplies for the twins birthday. Jade's Dad gave us an excessive amount of money to spend on it. I was shocked that he donated such a large amount considering what Beck had told me about James not being at all supportive of Sam and Charlie having a party. Jade didn't seem so surprised. She said her father has a completely out of whack perception of money and doesn't have a clue to the cost of kids stuff.

We had so much fun in the party store. We decided on an animals theme because apparently Sam and Charlie both love going to the zoo. We stocked up on balloons, paper plates, streamers and everything else you could possibly need for an eighth birthday party. There were a few times Beck and Jade started bickering. I honestly have no idea how those two went out for so long, they disagreed on EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. But somehow we found a compromise and managed to get all the supplies. We took them back to Jade's house and immediately when we came in the door, the twins ambushed Jade. They were obviously still ecstatic to have their big sister back after she'd been away so long.

"Jade I made you a picture!" Sam jumped up and down excitedly.

"No I made you a picture!" Charlie looked outraged.

"No mine is better, your's is poo." Sam shouted.

"No your's is poo!"

"Stop!" Jade shouted. The two boys clamped their lips shut and started behaving almost instantly. Jade smirked and gestured Beck and I into the house.

"What's in that big bag Beck?" Charlie asked eagerly.

"Ah!" Beck held the bag behind his back "No peeking!"

"Tori has one too!" Sam exclaimed. I blinked surprised he even remembered my name. Both the twins looked at me with big pleading puppy dog eyes, desperate to see what was in the bright purple bag.

"No chance." I disappointed them both. Jade pulled the twins by the hands away from me and bent down to talk to them.

"Me, Tori, and Beck are putting these somewhere secret and if you try to look there will be no birthday presents for anyone!" Jade warned the two boys. The almost eight year old's looked horrified at this suggestion and quickly ran out of the room.

"So you're coming back tomorrow to set everything up?" Jade confirmed with Beck.

"Yup." Beck helped himself to a glass of water and jumped up on the kitchen counter. Jade stuffed the party stuff in a high cupboard before turning around and folding her arms.

"Excuse me do you live here?" Jade asked pointedly.

"I practically do." Beck replied.

"I think you'll find your house is two blocks away." Jade clarified.

"Alright I'm gone. I'm gone" Beck smirked before jumping back up. "See you both tomorrow yeah?"

"Yeah bye!" Jade rolled her eyes as Beck let himself out of the house. We were quiet until we heard the sound of the front door clicking shut and then Jade looked up at me. I just smiled awkwardly.

"So um.. you want me to leave too?" I asked confused.

"No. I want to watch a creepy old film, you up for that?" Jade grinned mischievously.

For some reason I cannot explain I agreed. But the thing is, I actually really hate horror movies. I don't know if Jade was aware of this fact but she definitely didn't seem to mind me cuddling up to her in sheer terror. She even wrapped her arm around me and cuddled me in the really scary bits. And she let me put on a comedy afterwards to make up for it.

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12/01/2011.

Charlie and Sam's Birthday party was so cute. I've got to hand it to Beck, he knows how to throw a good kids party. There were around 30 kids and some of their parents invited. Jade's dad even seemed to be in a decent mood and came down for some of the party, despite his prior warning that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it.

Beck had arranged tons of party games and because of the size of the downstairs in the West household it worked out really well. All the kids were hyper beyond belief, but Beck somehow managed to keep them all entertained. Andre showed up dressed in a dumb robot costume which me and Jade found hysterical. Beck was slightly annoyed because he wanted a lion costume to fit with the theme but Andre said a robot was the best he could do. It was all part of some weird game that Beck had invented involving candy and a blindfold and music. Jade and I watched skeptically from the side trying to decide whether Beck was making the rules up as he went along. The kids had fun whatever it was.

Jade had spent hours last night slaving away at this elaborate birthday cake for the twins. I joined her in the kitchen whilst she made the final touches to it. She had made a jungle design on this huge cake and she told me that each layer was a different colour so it would be a rainbow when it was cut. A couple of the parents came and watched as Jade finished the decoration, completely impressed. I flinched when one of the adults who obviously didn't know the family situation very well made a comment about her Mom really should be the one making the cake but Jade just ignored them and brought the cake out to Charlie and Sam.

In the end all the kids went home practically sleepwalking they were so tired and Beck actually did fall asleep. He only woke up when Jenn came over to help clean up and to wish the twins a happy birthday and she sat on him to wake him up. Beck grumbled and fell back to sleep buried in wrapping paper and streamers.

I got to know Charlie a little better today too. At the end of the day whilst everyone else was tidying he came and sat on my knee completely tired. He was very interested in who I was and was I Jades friend, and was I Beck's friend, and did I know it was his birthday. He was insanely cute. In the end he fell asleep in my arms and I just cuddled him until Jade noticed. She kissed him on the cheek to wake him up and took him upstairs to bed.

Is it weird that I enjoyed a kids birthday party so much? Probably. But I liked being involved in their celebration. They are very important people to Jade which sort of makes them important people to me too. I guess they shouldn't be since Jade and I broke up but I just feel like I want to get to know them better. I like how Jade show's this completely different, all motherly side when she's around them and it's really cute how she gets embarrassed about it. But Sam and Charlie are very sweet.

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12/12/2011.

Alright I am SO angry with Ryder Daniels. And I don't often get angry.. I just get annoyed or upset or somewhere else in the moderately emotional scale. But today he tipped me over the edge.

We had just finished fourth period and the whole gang was gathered outside my locker before lunch. Cat was in the middle of telling us all some crazy story her brother had been up to at the weekend when Ryder approached us. He was with two friends who I don't know that well but are always handing around him. They go around in a sort of little trio of hot guys and well.. being idiots mostly, but today they stopped at our group for apparently no good reason.

"Hey Jade." Ryder interrupted Cat's story. All six of us looked up at the three guys confused. Jade frowned wondering what they wanted. Ryder smirked at one of the guys who had long blonde hair and a very fake tan. "So the story is you've been in a crazy house."

"Oh ha-ha." Jade rolled her eyes.

"So you don't deny it?" Ryder smirked. "I mean I guess it's a good thing you're getting your ass back."

"Woah! Excuse me, you don't talk to her like that." Andre stepped forwards already having heard enough. Beck was right by his side both of them looking ready for a fight.

"Jade is it true you stick your fingers down your throat?" One of Ryder's idiot friends laughed nastily. Within seconds all three of them started making gagging noises and taunting her. Jade looked at them all coldly.

"I'm so fat I have to barf to be pretty." Ryder laughed loudly.

It was at that point Jade lost it and lunged forwards at the guys. She managed to slap Ryder audibly across the face and kick another of his friends hard in the crotch area before Beck and Andre yanked her off. Robbie and Cat just stood there completely horrified whilst I pulled Jade by the hand around the corner and out of their site. The last thing I heard was Andre chiding the pale guy.

"That was low man."

Once we were far enough away from the main entrance, I wrapped my arms firmly around Jade and she buried her face into the crook of my neck. I could feel her heart accelerating and her body shaking. We just stood there for five minutes in total silence. I was absolutely furious with those guys.

"It's ok." I whispered unsure whether she was crying or not.

"Ugh Sorry." Jade pulled away after a few seconds.

"Are you alright?" I asked concerned.

"Yeah it's just Ryder, he's always been a dick." Jade exhaled, shaking her head. I didn't honestly know whether to believe her because she looked completely spooked.

"Okay you want to come get lunch with the others?" I asked softly. Jade shook her head, not meeting my eye.

"Jade, please don't let him get to you." I said worriedly.

"I'm not but I just feel so, so triggered right now." Jade whimpered. "I don't think I could keep it down."

"You don't think you could keep it down." I repeated sighing. I was glad she was being honest with me, but it just made me feel even angrier with Ryder Daniels. How dare he abuse someone so vulnerable like that. The rumours that Jade had gone to an eating disorder clinic were already widely spread but no one had done as little as make a comment on it before this.

"Do you want to go?" I found myself asking.

"Tori Vega bunking school?" Jade raised an eyebrow, "I didn't think you had that in you."

"Well you obviously don't know me very well." I shrugged. She was still newly in recovery. If school was going to trigger her and she needed an out, then missing a few classes suddenly didn't seem so bad.

"Maybe I don't." Jade smiled suspiciously.

"You're beautiful. Don't listen to him for a second." I took hold of her hand and squeezed it firmly. Jade sighed and shook her head softly.

"So.." I smiled at her, "Let's go?"

"Let's go." Jade confirmed. And with that, we grabbed our bags and walked out. We took my car and went for a drive, nowhere in mind, both of us just singing along loudly to the radio and laughing a lot. Eventually we stopped back at my place and just went in and played a game on the wii. We were exhausted by the time my Mom got home from work. She raised an eyebrow at the two of us as Jade lay in my lap laughing but luckily she didn't feel like embarrassing me and didn't say anything.

It got to around dinner time and I was really weary of offering Jade food again after she'd already refused it at lunch. But I was getting starving so I asked her if she wanted to stay for dinner. She said no but then almost immediately shook her head and said yes. She seemed a bit conflicted but I took her more positive answer and showed her into the kitchen.

I knew she wouldn't eat anything she didn't deem "safe" so I pulled out a few things I knew she definitely ate and allowed her to choose what we should have. She seemed to appreciate this effort and eventually suggested we made homemade pizzas. In the end we actually had a lot of fun making them and moulding them into shapes and putting on the toppings. And we made enough for my family too so everyone was happy.

I'm still mad at Ryder and if he dares say anything again he will be getting a lot worse than just a hard slap. But Jade eating dinner at my place and seeming okay about it made me feel a little better. She's stronger than him in so many ways.

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**Review and I'll update faster! x x**


	21. Chapter 21

**I finish my exams tomorrow yaay! So I will have more time to revise and hopefully get back to the daily updates :) Thanks for your kind reviews! x**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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01/01/2012.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I can't believe it's 2012.. the end of the world right? Anywhooo last night was amazing. Andre's super rich girlfriend hired out a hotel (yes an entire hotel!) and invited a bunch of awesome people from school including us since we're Andre's friends to celebrate the new year. There was a karaoke room, a cinema room, and three different dance floors. Chocolate fountains, a candy table.. it was crazy!

Jade arrived later than everyone else because she was apparently forced to go to a New years banquet at her Dad's girlfriends parents house. I asked her how it went knowing she'd been freaking out about it because none of Lara's family knew about the eating disorder. She didn't say much, just downing her drink and commenting 'hell.'

The rest of the evening we just spent dancing, talking, laughing with our friends. Nothing happened but at midnight we sort of pecked each other on the lips. It would have been weird not to I mean everyone around us was kissing. I blushed a lot afterwards and quickly escaped to the bathroom to calm myself down. Nope my feelings haven't gone. Definitely have not gone. But once I got back to the party, I somehow managed to act normal around her again and we all watched Robbie do some weird comedy sketch thing he's been working on.

Around 4o'clock in the morning we all crashed. Cat fell asleep spread across our legs. Her head on Jades lap and her body on mine. Not that we minded. We were completely exhausted too. I watched Jade gently run her fingers through Cat's hair, plaiting it and playing with the red strands and I can't describe how I felt. Like a weird combination of love, jealously, and this weird calming sensation. Jade can be so angry and isolate herself but then she always come back to this. This motherly, caring person. Eventually Beck came and picked Cat up so we could move and we all went home.

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01/14/2012.

So I'm back in school and we're all getting back to the old routine. Thankfully Ryder hasn't said anything since he completely bullied Jade last semester or at least he hasn't said anything in front of any of us. I know what he said affected her because of the paper chain project. She still texts me every night in case you were wondering. Just one text at the end of the day with a colour. After Ryder said all that stuff there were a couple of whites. It terrified me but she seemed to pull herself out of it and went back to blue and purple.

Nevertheless she does text me whites every now and again and that scares me. I promised her when she started this thing that I would never get mad or upset which is why I never mention it even though I know, she knows, I know she still purges. I worry about her but I prefer that she tells me the truth. It's easy to assume she's completely better now since she has come so far and acts so normal. I guess I just need to remember she's still fighting a battle with it.

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02/01/2012.

It was opening night of our play last night and honestly it went amazing! We had a full crowd and everyone laughed in the right places and seemed to get involved. Even though Robbie and Andre weren't in it they came to watch and afterwards all six of us went back to Cat's new apartment. Her roommate is that girl Sam from iCarly. I met her a few years ago at a party but it was nice to catch up again.

I have a slight suspicion however that Jade wasn't Sam's biggest fan. Or at least she wasn't a big fan of us talking for half an hour. She was pouty and weird with me for a while but eventually she returned to normal. But she wouldn't talk when Sam came over and offered us both chicken. She glared and Sam walked away looking a little put off.

"Jade.." I nudged her lightly.

"What?" Jade raised an eyebrow daring me to comment. I shook my head

"Are you jealous?"

"No." Jade said instantly. "I just don't trust her that's all."

"Right." I smirked. I really didn't understand why she was being so touchy about Sam. It wasn't like I flirted with her or anything and Sam is just a friend. And Jade is just my friend. It makes no sense that she's jealous.

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02/07/2012.

Okay wow where to begin with this one. Today was intense in so many ways. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I'm over the moon happy about what happened today but it was also kind of an eye opener into the world of how anorexics see things.. or at least interpret things and I'm not sure I like it.

After lunch Jade pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to go for coffee after school like we used to. I said sure because I missed our little coffee dates and catch ups. Jade smiled before leaving to go to her class

We went to this coffee shop round the corner from Elsaridge park and sat opposite each other in a booth. At first it was just really relaxed and sweet like old times. We were talking and laughing and Jade showed me this video on her phone of Sam being really silly and pretending to be Harry Potter - it was really cute. But I could tell Jade had asked me here for a reason, I just wasn't sure what it was yet and she seemed uncomfortable about it when she finally did bring it up.

"Umm so I was talking to my therapist and I mentioned something.." Jade began. I blinked taken aback, she'd never discussed anything she'd talked about in therapy with me before.

"And she said I should try to talk to you about it." Jade looked as though she was testing me right now. Testing whether she could trust me with this.

"You can talk to me, whats this about?" I replied, trying to keep my tone very casual. Jade sighed and looked at me seriously.

"Okay I'm supposed to ask you this first. Are you comfortable talking about eating disorders?" Jade sighed. I could tell this was just some formality her therapist had warned her about but I hoped she already knew I was completely fine talking to her about this.

"Yes." I said firmly. Jade went silent and looked away.

"This is stupid and awkward." Jade pushed her coffee cup forwards threatening to get up and leave.

"No, no, no." I reached out and grabbed her hand. If her therapist thought she should talk to me about something then she probably should, besides she got this far. "Go on."

Jade looked super nervous and didn't meet my eye for a long time. I got the feeling this was something she'd wanted to talk to me about for a while but couldn't or she was scared for some reason. I didn't want her to be scared so I patted the space next to me.

"Sit here, then you can tell me and you don't have to face me if you don't want to." I suggested. Jade shuffled around until we were shoulder to shoulder with each other and I took hold of her hand waiting for her to speak. It took a while but when she finally did I was glad I waited.

"I want you to know that I really need you and you make me feel better." Jade said quietly "But sometimes I think that you like me more when I eat less." My stomach twisted in the most uncomfortable way as the reality of what she just said hit me. It was wrong. Completely wrong.

"What?! No not at all." I turned to look at her. She glanced at me nervously.

"Really?" Jade asked unsurely. My heart broke.

"Oh Jade." I hugged her tightly. I could not believe that she thought that.

"No just… no. I like it most when you're healthy and happy. And how I feel about you has nothing to do with what you eat. Why would even you think that?" I asked still holding her tightly.

"I just feel like the days I eat less you're nicer to me." Jade explained fragilely, "And since I came back from Valewood you aren't attracted to me anymore.

"If I ever did that then I swear it was not intentional." I said seriously.

"Okay. I'm really sorry, I wasn't going to say anything but…" Jade trailed off.

"Jade you can talk to me about any of this stuff. Any eating disorder stuff. It's ok." I assured her.

"Really?" She asked in that same vulnerable voice that literally wrenched at my heart.

"Uh huh. In fact I'd much rather you did." I confirmed. "And you know I'm attracted to you. I'm just.. giving you space."

"I don't need any more space." Jade nuzzled against my shoulder. I didn't even need to think about this anymore as I wrapped my arms around her body and just held her tight. We stayed like that for a while, snuggled together in the coffee shop. I could feel Jade drawing shapes on my thigh and it gave me shudders. I was still slightly stunned by what she'd been thinking all these months.

"So… I make you feel better?" I eventually loosened my hold on her and caught her eyes.

"Yes." Jade smiled, intertwining her fingers with mine. "Breaking up with you.. I made a mistake. I was just lost in the shadows of my eating disorder crap."

Deep down I knew this already. I guess it was the main reason I wasn't mad about the break up. At the time it was her way of coping and yes it hurt me. Yes it made me cry. But I never blamed her for it.

Jade went quiet again before finishing speaking to me. "I love you. And I want you to be my girlfriend again and to be yours." Jade stopped to gage my reaction. My eyes went wide as I took in everything she'd said. She'd completely let down her walls to me and it was the most beautiful moment of my life.

"I love you too." I confessed in a whisper. My lips found her's easily as we started to kiss and melt into each other. It was like everything went silent. The blur of the coffee shop gone and it was just us as we curled into each other and touched and kissed. We kissed for a long time.

"I mean it. I love you. And thats nothing to do with food. Ok? It's nothing. I just love you for you." I wanted that to get through to her.

"I understand." Jade nodded "It just takes me a while to get that sometimes."

"Well.. thats ok." I reassured her. She wasn't going to be able to turn off the way she figured stuff out. Not all the therapy in the world could undo an eating disorder in a couple of months. "As long as you know. You being healthy means the world to me."

"You too." Jade pecked my lips. I smiled and kissed her again, tasting the coffee on her lips and I felt things inside of me I honestly don't think I've felt before. She does things to me. In so many different ways and having her be mine again. It was just the best feeling in the world.

So yeah that's what happened today. I got home from the coffee shop and lay down in bed smiling like an idiot. I'm happy. Almost.. completely happy. The only thing I'm not so crazy about is her completely warped perception of how I value her.

It's weird. And I know that's not a nice way to put it but it's the only word I can think of that describes accurately her thought processes. But at least I got my girlfriend back and I will make sure she knows that her weight, what she eats, what she doesn't eat is completely separate to my feelings for her.

Jade texted me about ten minutes ago. I opened it and smiled when I read it

_Purple :*_

And I just texted her back :*

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**Review if you like x**


	22. Chapter 22

**Eeeeek this chapter has some strong language and slightly sexual nature.. Tell me honestly if you think I should make it an M.. I probably will raise it in the future but I'd rather not raise it yet. But yeah I don't want it to get deleted so let me know what you guys think. I think I'm still T.. just! x**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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02/14/2012.

Hi journal. I'm writing this in the absolute middle of the night because I literally only just got back home and I have to write about this before I forget the details. Not that I think it's possible but I want a written record.

So it's valentines day and the best part about that is I actually have a valentine for the first time! Is it embarrassing I've never had a valentine on valentines day? I don't know, whatever, it doesn't matter because today I had Jade.

Now the thing is.. Jade is Jade. And although she can be romantic when she wants to be, the classic valentines day presents are most definitely out. Flowers no, chocolates no, romantic movies big no! So I was panicking a little.. I also got the feeling she wasn't going to be into the sappy valentines day card thing either. I got so desperate I nearly asked Beck but I stopped myself just in time. That would be beyond weird. And besides I knew I could do this. I know Jade. I knew I should be able to think of something.

I walked into school this morning and everything was decorated in red and pink hearts and all romantic and sappy looking. The art department really go all out when it's a holiday and decorating school is one of the many ways they do it. I saw Andre and Cat first and walked over to say hi. Recently Cat and Robbie have been getting a lot closer. We all knew about Robbie's crush on Cat but for some reason Cat didn't seem to get it. Anyway he snuck up behind her and hugged her and gave her a giant candy heart. Cat squealed and was completely delighted, turning round to hug him again. Me and Andre just smirked and stepped away leaving them too it.

"So.. Happy Valentines day." Andre broke the tension.

"Happy Valentines day." I smiled, looking around the room. Beck and Megan walked in together holding hands and looking sweet. In fact everyone in school today seemed completely loved up. I just wanted to see Jade. I knew she'd do this. Be late just to tease me. I really wanted to give her my valentines gift before class started because I'd worked so, so hard on it and to be honest I was also kind of terrified she'd hate it. Andre must have been telling me a story because he snapped his fingers in front of my face bringing me back to the real world. Andre just smirked at my surprised expression.

"I have to go talk to Sikowitz.." Andre informed me "See you in Drama."

"See you." I turned around to open my locker when suddenly the sound of someone shouting boo down my ear almost killed me.

"Shi— Jade!" I held my now pounding heart as my girlfriend laughed humoured. "It's valentines day not halloween!"

"What's the difference?" Jade asked.

"They're basically opposites." I informed her.

"Hmmm maybe" Jade walked over to her locker. I frowned following her. This was not how this morning was supposed to go. It was our first valentines day together we should be giddy and loved up like everyone else in the world by now.

"Kiss me" I pouted.

"Demanding?" Jade raised an eyebrow. I folded my arms and pulled my most disappointed look. Jade didn't crack though. She just stood and stared at me until I broke.

"You're a loser." I frowned making Jades grin even wider.

"This is so funny." Jade smirked.

"Don't you want to kiss me?" I asked confused. Jade closed her locker door before facing me properly. She stepped closer until I was backed up against the lockers and her face was only a couple of inches from mine. Her breath touched my lips tasting of toothpaste and the scent of her vanilla infused perfume filled my nose but she didn't kiss me.

"I like your hair today." Jade twisted her hand through one of my curls.

"Thank you?" I replied suspiciously. Jade tugged at the strands of my hair a little more before stepping away.

"See you in Drama." Jade winked, smirking again when she saw my disappointed expression. She walked away and I swear she looked even sexier than usual. Oh she was playing a good game. But two could play at that.

"Jade West you are so on."

In Drama we continued playing our little game. Flirting but not enough, touching but not enough. Jade kept leaning over and whispering stuff to me pretending she wasn't giving me a glance at her cleavage whenever she did. I barely responded. Shrugging and desperately staring at the front. It hurrrttttt.

The only time Jade paused her little game was at lunch and I was kind of glad she did because I knew from what she'd told me the only thing she could concentrate on during meals at the moment was keeping it down. The white paper chain texts were still coming. At least twice a week to be honest. She was working on it but she'd been finding it harder recently. I stroked my hand up and down her back after she'd finished just calming her down and she rested her head on my shoulder. The others watched us sympathetically but didn't mention it.

Despite this she pushed through and she was back to being a complete tease by fifth period. My urge to kiss her all over was completely overwhelming and at the end of the day when she attempted to leave without as much as a peck on the cheek I gave in.

"No way." I pulled her towards me. She laughed as I trapped her cheeks between my palms and pulled her in. We started kissing passionately as she snuck her hands around my waist. We made out in the parking lot, leaning on Jades car and moaning gently.

"Hey." Jade smiled when we broke apart. "Did you really think I wasn't gonna get you something?"

"Kind of." I admitted. Jade chuckled and reached into her bag for something. She handed me a red gift bag and pressed her lips softly on my cheek. I smiled and peeked inside the bag. I was stunned when I realised it was a jewellery box.

"Oh my god" I gasped, pulling the box out. I opened it slowly, revealing a cute little charm bracelet. It was silver and had two charms on it. One a charm of the letter T and another the letter J.

"I love it this is.. oh my god." I kissed Jade again. "I can't believe you got me this. My gift is really, really bad in comparison!"

Jade raised an eyebrow as I nervously pulled her gift out of my bag. I assumed she wouldn't be into the whole valentines day, mushy, lovey dovey stuff so I hadn't even spent any money.. I gulped watching Jade pull the gift out of the large envelope I'd protected it in. It was a painting. Not even a good one. I wanted to capture Jade's personality in colours and I'd done it on an oil type canvas. It was mostly deep purple with turquoise and black and it was of Jade sort of, sitting on a swing looking at the stars and there were song lyrics crossing the horizon… I watched Jade's face as she smiled and I was convinced she must be thinking it was a joke. She'd got me jewellery and I'd got her.. this!

"No one's ever given me a painting before." Jade said quietly.

"It's a bad present.." I confessed.

"No. I like it." Jade reassured me. "It's unique."

"Really?" I asked unsurely.

"Yes silly." Jade smirked pulling me into a hug. I exhaled relieved and hugged her back. She was so warm and cute today and I felt her kiss my hair. "Come back to mine?"

"Yeah?" I confirmed.

"Yeah my Dads gone away with Lara, Sam and Charlie are at the nanny's. I'll be all alone and bored." Jade sighed theatrically "..and horny." My eyes widened.

"Well.. I don't want my girlfriend to be lonely." I smiled.

"Good." Jade unlocked her car and got in. I climbed in the passenger seat next to her slightly nervous but mostly excited. I had no idea what she meant for us to do.. we hadn't actually done much intimate before now. We'd probably only got to like second base (does anyone actually understand the base thing?) but yeah.. We got back to Jade's and we went upstairs to her bedroom.

"Wait.." Jade stopped me from going inside. "Just wait here one second."

"Ok." I stepped back. Jade went inside her room and I heard her tidying or something. She was only in there for about a minute before she opened the door again.

"Sorry. I'm a mess!" Jade smirked.

"This room looks tidy to me" I raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

"That's because I just tidied." Jade smirked, pulling me over to her bed. "Now where were we again?"

"You were bored and horny." I teased, placing my left hand on her thigh. Jade looked down at my hand and I grazed my teeth along my bottom lip watching her. I placed my other hand on her other thigh and squeezed my fingers slightly. Jade hummed and exhaled looking back at me. I didn't know what I was supposed to do next and my heart was literally pounding. My hands were still holding her thighs, but I was frozen.

"Tor." Jade said gently. "Don't feel pressured. I was kidding."

"I know but.." I trailed off.

"But?" Jade smirked. I removed my hands from her thighs and pushed her back on the bed and started kissing her. I felt her laughing under my lips so I kissed her harder until she her giggles turned it moans and her hands wandered down to my butt. I was completely happy with where this was going but my head and thoughts were racing making it hard to think I pulled my lips off of Jades and kissed her neck.

"Mmm Tori.." Jade exhaled "I need to take this off you."

I one swift movement Jade pulled my top over my head leaving me in just my bra. her hands went round to the clasp and painfully slowly she took it off. I saw her eyes on my breasts and for some reason I was terrified. She must have sensed this because she covered them up with her hands and looked at me concerned.

"You're uncomfortable." Jade stated.

"No I just want you to like me." I admitted embarrassed.

"I like you." Jade smiled coyly. "You're beautiful Tori."

"Thanks." I smiled. Her hands were still covering my breasts and I could tell my nipples were getting hard just from the light touch.

"Have you ever done stuff with a girl before?" Jade asked curiously

"No." I shook my head, "Have you?"

"No." Jade repeated. "So we can take this slow?"

"I'd like that." I answered. Jade smirked and pecked my lips. "Take off mine."

I didn't need anymore convincing than that and I looked down at the baggy plaid shirt and vest she was wearing and unbuttoned it. I pulled her vest off revealing a black lacy bra. I saw Jade arch her back, giving me permission to remove it and I did.

"They got smaller" Jade said suddenly seeming nervous. "After the stuff. They got smaller. I mean they grew a bit now but yeah.." Instead of answering her I just kissed her cleavage lightly and squeezed her breasts a bit.

"Mmm" Jade moaned bringing my head back up to her lips, we kissed and she rolled me over so she was on top for a change, both of us just taking turns to touch and kiss and feel our breasts. It felt amazing. We didn't take it any further than that but I'm glad because we're going slow.

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03/17/2012.

Crazy day today. The only way I can I could possibly put a name on it would be round two of Ryder vs Jade.

It was at the end of the day and Jade and I were just talking and kissing quietly next to my locker. Andre, Beck and Robbie were close by but a little bit separate when Ryder approached us. I saw the guys turn their attention to us but my attention was more focused on Jade. Terrified what Ryder would say to knock her recovery back again.

"Wait.. so you're a bulimic lesbian?" Ryder laughed in her face. "Looks like Beck really did mess you up."

"Wow you're still here?" Jade rolled her eyes.

"You don't mind kissing her when she's a bulimic?" Ryder jeered, looking at me.

"No." I answered immediately.

"You know what it's none of your business. You have something against me because I hurt? Because I have an eating disorder!?" Jade was furious. It was also one of the only times I'd ever heard her say that out loud.

"So you admit it?" Ryder asked. I felt the guys coming up behind us probably sensing how angry Jade was and ready to intervene if this got too messy. Her face was red with anger and she'd let go of me stepping closer to Ryder and yelling.

"Of course I fucking admit it. What's your problem? Why are you so messed up you think that you can make me feel even worse about it when I already feel like crap every single day?!" Ryder seemed slightly stumped probably not expecting her to have openly agreed with him.

"Obviously something is wrong with you." Jade shook her head, before taking one last step towards him. "I'd much rather be a bulimic lesbian than a sad, pathetic asshole like you!"

"You're a freak." Ryder jeered walking off. He'd got the last word but anyone could tell he'd been scared off. Jade turned around and exhaled.

"None of you say a word!" Jade warned stepping into my arms. I'm sure she could feel my heart racing, scared for her. But she was evidently a lot stronger now than she had been a few months ago.

"I love you." Jade mumbled into my ear, kissing my cheek.

"You're amazing you know?" I hugged her. Jade smiled and I stroked her hair behind her ear. "And I love you too."

"So.. everyone's good?" Andre confirmed.

"Are you forgetting who you're talking to? I can handle Ryder Daniels." Jade smirked. I kept my arms wrapped around her just happy to have her back with me. She doesn't deserve abuse from anyone but knowing she can stand up for herself now without feeling triggered is comforting. And I somehow doubt Ryder will be saying anything again any time soon. He looked like a scared little boy when he left.

* * *

04/07/2012.

Ahh I pushed it today. Jade and I have been back together for exactly two months and to celebrate we went on a date organised by me. I brought a picnic and as soon as she saw it she froze up. I know she has a big problem with eating food that other people have made because not being sure what's in it makes her feel very out of control but I didn't realise that rule applied to me too. Whenever we cook dinner together at my house or her's she doesn't mind if I do some of the preparation and cooking. But apparently having made the whole thing was a no go.

"What is it?" Jade asked nervously. We were sitting on a picnic blanket in a grassy opening in Elsaridge park. No one was around and it was a pretty secluded part of the park. I'd not seen Jade look so spooked about food since I tried to make her eat cake back when I first found out about this.

"It's a wholemeal wrap with lettuce, grilled chicken, basil and tomato." I informed her. I knew she definitely liked this because she ate these regularly for lunch at school.

"No sauce?" Jade confirmed.

"No sauce. Pinky promise." I held out my little finger to her. Jade rolled her eyes but shook my pinky anyway.

"I tried not to stare as I watched her fighting through the anxiety of eating food someone else had made. She sometimes bit it but didn't let the food into her mouth and I could tell she wanted to spit it out the few times she actually did. I felt really bad, I should have asked her if she was ok with this before hand but I just didn't think. In the end she ate less than half a wrap.

"Sorry." Jade looked frustrated.

"Don't be sorry." I shook my head. "You'll eat something when we get back yeah?"

"Yeah." Jade nodded pushing her plate forwards.

I don't know whether the picnic had anything to do with it but she texted me white tonight and I felt overwhelmed with guilt. Next time I do anything with Jade even slightly related to food we're going to have a conversation first because I'm not putting her through that again.

It's just so sensitive, I never know what will push her too far. Sometimes she's completely fine with food and then other times she's anxious. I know her purging has increased these past couple of weeks. I asked her why she thinks this has happened and she said she doesn't know, she's just finding it more tempting. I really hope the professionals she see's have some sort of plan to fix this because I don't know what to do. It's scary though. Throwing up your meals three or four times a week is still way too often in my opinion.

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**Please review :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**Ahh this is a bit of a ****mixed chapter. There are highs and lows. You'll see. Let me know what you guys think.**

**Disclaimer : I don't own victorious.**

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04/15/2012.

So something sort of scary is happening soon... Graduation. We only have four more months until we graduate from Hollywood Arts and we'll all be out in the real world. Everyone seems to have slightly different plans which is at the same time exciting and sad because we're all going off in different directions and won't see each other every day like we used to.

Andre has already got a job lined up. His uncle is a top music producer in LA so he's starting his paid internship there in August. Cat is going to a performing arts college in Florida so she's moving really far away. It is going to be so sad not having her around as much anymore. Robbie is going to San Diego State to study communication technology. I also applied to go there but now I'm not so sure. And I know it's bad to drop your plans for your relationship but I don't think I could be so far away from Jade to be honest. But it's not only that. I've started having all these doubts about college altogether. Honestly I'm not really sure it's the right decision for me.

Beck and Jade both applied to UCLA and got in. This will be their fourth (fifth if you include kindergarten) school they go to together. They're both majoring in Music although recently Jade seems to be leaning more towards English Literature and Creative Writing. I think she's going to take modules in both and then decide once she gets there.

But all these plans depend on the next few weeks. Exams start in May and we need to pass everything with at least 65% to graduate. Jade was feeling a bit anxious about it because she missed the first few months and had fallen behind a little, but she seems to have caught up. I guess everyones nervous to be honest. These are the most important exams of our lives so far. Our futures depend on them.

* * *

04/20/2012.

I had such a sweet day today with Jade and her brothers. It was the twins first ever music recital at school and since her Dad was "busy" there was an extra ticket up for grabs and so Jade asked me. I've never been to Hollywood Arts Elementary School before but it was in a building very similar to our school and kids here seemed just as talented and crazy. Apparently their Dad didn't approve of this school choice at all but Olivia wrote in her will that it was her wish for them to go there as she said she could see musical potential in them before they were even one. Jade and I took our seats at the back of the concert hall waiting for the recital to start.

The twins both played different instruments, Charlie the piano and Sam the saxophone. They both also played in the beginners guitar together which definitely sounded…different because none of the kids in this class had been playing guitar for longer than ten weeks. Actually Sam and Charlie had only been playing for six weeks, since Beck started teaching them but they seemed a lot better than the rest of the class who were playing some very unusual chords. Everyone clapped anyway.

In the end Jade went over to the teacher who was in charge of the children leaving and Charlie and Sam came rushing over, bouncing around like crazy and super proud of themselves. Jade humoured them for a while before telling them both she'd chop their arms off if they waved them around anymore. They both just started jumping with their arms flat against their sides instead.

"That was awesome you guys! Sam your saxophone song was so cool!" I bent down to give both the twins a hug.

"I know right! My dad says I was too little to play the saxophone but I'm not am I? I totally am big enough."

"Did you like me?" Charlie asked cutely.

"Of course! Piano is my instrument too." I smiled accepting another hug from the eight year old.

"It's a shame you suck." Jade smirked in my direction.

"Hey not everyone learned to play when they were six." I stood up to nudge her playfully. Jade hugged me and whispered 'kidding' in my ear.

"So since you guys did do amazing.. do you want to go for celebration ice cream!" Jade suggested. The twins began jumping up and down and squealing again.

"I don't think they do." I said to Jade, teasing them. They both started insisting that they do, pleading and giving us both puppy dog eyes. Jade laughed and the four of us walked back to her car to drive to a little ice cream parlour near by.

We went inside and the twins seemed to know this place fairly well and ran to look at the flavours whilst we got a table. Jade had to call them twice before they calmed down and came over to her.

"You can get two flavours and one topping, that's it!" Jade told them both sternly. The boys nodded their heads still super excited, "Tori will you go with them?"

"Sure do you want anything?"

"Umm.. maybe I don't know" Jade looked uncomfortable.. "What are you getting?"

"Probably just chocolate and some banana topping." I told her.

"Can I just eat some of yours?"

"Yeah I'll get two spoons." I smiled. I knew it was definitely a long shot her eating ice cream at all as it was one of her binge foods so I didn't push her on that answer. The twins were so excited by this point and pulled me to the counter eager to get their ice creams. Sam got toffee and peanut and Charlie got mint and vanilla and they both got sprinkles on top. I got what i ordered and made sure they put more banana at the side so Jade was more likely to eat it then we brought them over.

Jade surprised me by actually. I was convinced she'd only said that she'd share to appease me but she ate some of the ice cream and bananas. We spent the rest of the time in the ice cream parlour just listening to Sam and Charlie talking about their recital and explaining all about how they were going to be rockstars when they were older.

We drove back to Jades and left Sam and Charlie to go play whilst we went up to her bedroom. I guess you could say things have got a lot more intimate between us recently. I wouldn't say we've gone all the way, but we've seen each other completely naked now. We touch each other and kiss each other down there but we're still taking it slow. Anyway we spent the rest of the afternoon in bed fooling around and kissing. Like I said overall, today was a nice day.

* * *

04/27/2012.

I confronted Jade on something she's been doing for a while. It's a little weird but please don't judge her for it because I think if anything she is the one beating herself up about it the most. It's like she bites into her food, tastes it, then discretely tucks it either in a napkin or in a lunch bag. She does it so sneakily you would think she was eating but I've observed her carefully she definitely doesn't swallow it. I've noticed her do this for about two weeks now, I hoped she'd just stop on her own but since that didn't happen I had to say something. We went out for coffee after school which seems to be where we have all our serious talks and once we sat down I just got straight to the point.

"Jade I've noticed you keep taking food out of your mouth." I said cautiously. Jades face blushed so red I felt awful for making her embarrassed. "I'm not mad but will you talk to me about it?"

"It's disgusting." Jade mumbled, her eyes focused on her coffee cup.

"Well it's definitely not.. healthy behaviour is it?" I tried to use the same terminology I knew her therapist used and that I'd read in some of the recovery material she had in her room.

"I guess not." Jade lifted her head up and glanced out of the window, still not meeting my eye.

"Why are you doing it? Are you trying to lose weight?" I asked curiously.

"I don't know. Maybe.." Jade confessed. I shuffled around the booth to give her a hug. She accepted it and for that I was grateful.

"Please don't lose weight. You do not need to. You are perfectly beautiful the way you are." I said gently and honestly. "This isn't purging but it's still not good. You need to eat your food."

"I didn't think anyone noticed.." Jade closed her eyes, looking upset.

"Don't cry." I said softly when I saw a tear run down her cheek I hugged her again and repeated 'shh' until she calmed down.

"Can you tell your therapist about this? Please.. for me?" I asked her quietly. Jade nodded and we said nothing more about it. I felt kind of bad for making her cry but hopefully she stops doing it now or at least talks to her therapist about it so they'll be able to support her through it. I know it's just another symptom of her eating disorder, probably the bulimia side although I'm not sure. I sometimes wonder how many different ways she'll find to avoid eating before she finally recovers from this.

* * *

05/15/2012.

It turns out, knowing something happens and seeing something happen are very, very different things. I think I got complacent or at least desensitised to the idea of jade purging. But after what I saw this evening all the horrible memories of her lying weak in that hospital bed came flooding back.

She's been struggling with purging the most of all her eating disorder symptoms. She describes it like an addiction. She finds complete relief in it and when she doesn't do it for a long time, the urges build up and up until it's all she can think about. And then when she does do it she only wants to do it again sooner.

The sad thing is, today started off so, so amazing. I went to see Mason and I think I'm recording an album. He offered me a recording contract and although I still have to get a lawyer or someone to read through it, I think I'm getting employed. The record company already have some songwriters lined up for me to work with and they demoed me one of the songs and I love it!

If this contract goes through then it means I won't have to move to San Francisco. I'll be staying here in LA and I'll be closer to Jade and doing my dream job and everything will be perfect! I was giddy when I went over to Jades to surprise her with the news

I rang on the doorbell and her Stepmom let me in. Lara was dressed up all nice in a fancy dress and said that her and James were going to a ball this evening. I smiled awkwardly asking where Jade was and the blonde woman just sent me straight upstairs to Jades room.

I knocked lightly but she didn't answer. I knocked again and still no answer so I opened the door wondering if she'd fallen asleep or something but she wasn't there. I rolled my eyes thinking it was typical of Jades Stepmom not to even notice Jade was out and was so close to leaving when I heard throwing up coming from the en suite. My heart sunk.

Without really even thinking about what I was doing I just followed my feet to the bathroom door and pushed it open. Jade was lying on the floor and throwing up excessively— like really excessively. I was completely horrified.

"Jade!" I cried upset. She turned around and looked at me. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were puffy and tears streamed down her face.

"Oh my god go away!" Jade looked desperate.

"Jade.."

"Get out! GET OUT!" Jade screamed. I quickly left the room closing the door behind me and took a sharp inhale, absolutely shocked. I went and sat on Jades bed to wait for her there. I looked around me and noticed the huge inordinate amount of wrappers and ice cream tubs next to the bed. I couldn't believe she was doing this again.

It wasn't until ten minutes later Jade came out of the bathroom and she silently sat next to me on the bed.

"I'm sorry." Jade said quietly.

"Me too." I replied emotionlessly. I don't know why I was sorry but for some reason I was. Sorry I didn't get here fast enough to stop her, and sorry for making her scream like that. Jade looked at me and I could tell she was scared what I was going to do. She was about to say something else when she suddenly gagged putting her hand over her mouth and running back to the bathroom.

"Wait are you actually sick?" I followed her into the bathroom where she was vomiting again.

"No I took ipecac." Jade spluttered through her gags.

"Jade!" I scolded but I didn't sound angry in the slightest, just petrified.

"I've done it before." Jade confessed, as though that would somehow reassure me. She was bent over the toilet and holding her stomach seemingly in a lot of discomfort. She threw up again and I sighed sitting down on the edge of the bathtub behind her, rubbing her back. We were there several more minutes before Jade managed to speak again.

"I think thats it." Jade lay back against the bathtub, her face was sweating and she was panting and crying. I found a washcloth and wetted it to cool down her forehead and wipe her face.

"Why are you taking care of me? I don't deserve it." Jade croaked.

"You're my girlfriend and I love you." I said sternly "I do not love this but until you get through this eating disorder I'm taking care of you whether you deserve it or not." Jade whimpered and I noticed she was still holding her stomach.

"Do you feel nauseous still?" I asked gently.

"Mmhm." Jade nodded crying.

"You might still have the ipecac in you." I sighed looking around the bathroom for a glass so she could drink something. I eventually found one on the counter, right next to a the bottle of ipecac syrup she'd evidently misused. I filled a glass up with water and brought it over to her.

"Drink." I ordered. Jade sipped at the water but immediately puked it out again. I rubbed her back helping her through it whilst I read the label on the ipecac. The dangers, the side effects. Misuse of ipecac can lead to serious poisoning, heart damage, and death. Signs of poisoning include difficulty breathing, digestive tract problems, abnormal heart rates, blood in the urine, convulsions, shock, coma, and death.

"This is so, so dangerous Jade." I told her.

"I know ok." Jade moaned.

"Keep drinking." I insisted. Jade shook her head in exhaustion.

"No."

"Yes Jade. This is a poison! You need to get it completely out." I lifted the glass to her lips and she drank out of it. It took a long time but eventually she drank and managed to keep it down. Her entire body was trembling.

"I'm done now." Jade groaned.

"Ok lets clean you up then we'll go lie down." I helped her wash her face and brush her teeth in total silence. I wasn't angry with her but I was upset. Once she was back on her feet I walked her back to her bedroom and changed her in to some pyjamas whilst she lay on the bed exhausted. I lay down next to her and held her gently. She definitely needed the comfort and when she rested her forehead against my shoulder, I could feel her hot tears on my skin.

"I'm sorry." Jade whispered a few minutes later.

"I know you are." I sighed, kissing her hair. "Go to sleep."

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**tbc... review if you want to :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**Sorry for all the sadness and crying :(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/15/2012.

I have no idea how much of that ipecac stuff Jade took but she woke up several times between 7pm and 10pm needing to throw up. There was nothing in her at all, it was just bile and stomach acid and the water I kept forcing her to drink. I'd been laying with Jade for three hours when I heard a light knock on the door. I thought I'd imagined it at first but when I heard it again I released Jade from my arms and went to open it. Charlie was stood at the door looking sleepy and confused.

"It's past our bedtime." Charlie hugged my legs. "Jade has to tuck us in." I glanced inside the room back at Jade but it really wasn't necessary. She had her head in a trashcan and was gagging again. She was in no state to be going anywhere.

"Your sister has a sore tummy so is it ok if I tuck you in tonight?" I asked the eight year old.

"Oh." Charlie looked worriedly at Jade. I shuffled him out of the room not wanting him to see his sister like this.

"I could read you a bedtime story. Does that sound good?" Charlie nodded and lead me down the hall to a small staircase, which led to a small landing there were three doors with big wooden letters reading Charlie's Room, Sam's Room, and Charlie and Sam's Bathroom.

"Is Jade sick?" Sam asked as soon as I entered the bedroom.

"Yeah she went bleugh." Charlie nodded.

"Lets not talk about it ok?" I shook my head "Go brush your teeth and change into your pyjamas and then I'll read you guys a bedtime story."

The twins both ran into the bathroom together to get ready for bed and I went and sat on the beanbag in Sam's room and decided on a book. I wished I could look happy or even slightly enthusiastic for them but even pretending to be ok seemed impossible right now. Sam and Charlie snuggled together in the same bed and I read them the story, trying to use different character voices to entertain them. Once the story ended I tucked Sam in and walked Charlie across the landing to his bedroom and tucked him in too.

"Tori." Charlie called me back before I could shut his door.

"Yeah?"

"Jade likes minty when she's sick." Charlie informed me.

"She likes what?" I asked confused.

"Minty." He repeated

"Mint tea?" I guessed.

"Yeah she likes minty." Charlie lay back down.

"Thank you Charlie. Night night." I smiled.

I went downstairs to the kitchen and looked around the cupboards a little until I found a cupboard obviously claimed by Jade. It was mostly powders. Weight loss powders, protein powders, laxatives. It didn't even surprise me anymore. I found the pepper mint tea that Charlie had told me about and after triple checking there was absolutely nothing dubious about it I boiled the kettle and made her a cup. I went back up to Jade's room to find Jade laying down snuggled to a pillow.

"Hey." I whispered.

"Hi" Jade croaked, sitting up slightly.

"Are you feeling a bit better?" I asked gently.

"Yeah I feel sort of normal again." Jade informed me.

"Ok I made you some tea. Charlie said you liked it so."

"Oh crap Sam and Charlie!" Jade's eyes widened.

"It's ok I put them to bed." I reassured her, handing her the mug of tea. Jade sighed and accepted the mug, sipping from it.

"Thank you for doing that. They've seen me at my worst far too many times." Jade snivelled.

"We're not going to talk about this now." I shook my head. We sat in silence for a while.

"You're mad at me. I don't blame you. If you want to break up with me I understand." Jade looked down.

"You know what Jade? I am mad. In fact I am devastated." I said honestly. "But no I don't want to break up with you. I refuse to break up with you." Jade sipped her tea in silence and I watched her. She was sorry, that was obvious. But was she sorry she'd done it? No. She was just sorry that I'd had to deal with the consequences.

"Can I stay the night?" I sighed eventually.

"Yeah." Jade agreed quietly. I got up and walked to the bathroom. I could barely stand to be in here for all the flashbacks it gave me, but I changed into some of Jade's spare pyjamas and got ready for bed. When I came back in the room Jade was lying down again. I turned off the bedside lamp and crawled in behind her.

"Tori." Jade called out weakly. "I know your mad and I know you're going to shout at me tomorrow. But please, please.. don't go too hard on me." My heart broke a little for her and I wrapped my arm over her waist to her stomach and she latched onto my palm, hugging it tight.

"Baby I'm not going to shout. I'm upset but so are you. I just need to think okay?" I told her gently. Jade nodded and we didn't speak again tonight. As confusing as everything was, I knew one thing for certain. She was not coping in the slightest. These weren't regular purges these were life threatening, substance abuse purges that showed exactly how out of control she was. I'm not going to shout at her tomorrow but if she think's I'm going to go easy on her then she's very wrong.

* * *

05/16/2012.

I woke up first and got straight in to the shower. I used Jade's shampoo and body wash which felt really strange. I don't know if it suited me to be honest, it was so much a Jade scent, but in a way it was sort of comforting. Once I was changed I went back into the bedroom and sat on the bed waiting for Jade to wake up.

When she finally woke, I let her go to the bathroom and get ready but we still didn't really talk. She looked guilty. I just looked sad. She came back about half an hour later wearing a baggy black jumper and leggings and she sat down on the bed next to me. The silence between us was painful.

"I think you need to go back to Valewood." I said bluntly.

"Tori!" Jade looked shocked. "It was one time!"

"No Jade. One time or ten times. You don't get a second chance with this. Last night just proved to me you need a lot more help." I looked into her eyes that were filled with panic. I wondered if it was really her that was panicked or just the eating disorder.

"I go to therapy twice a week, I see a psychiatrist and a doctor monthly. I made a mistake but can't you see I'm trying!" Jade seemed very upset but I wasn't going to back down.

"I think you need more than that sweetie. You are not nearly recovered or even in recovery. You purge way too much, you don't swallow half your food.. You seem like you're getting worse if I'm honest." Jade put her head in her hands and started crying. I sighed.

"I'm not saying this because I'm mad at you ok? Don't go thinking that. But you can't take ipecac, you really will kill yourself. What were you thinking?" I asked her in disbelief.

"I'll stop." Jade whimpered.

"You'll stop? Stop what?" I questioned.

"Ipecac."

"Yes you will. Because I refuse for my girlfriend to accidentally poison herself on emetics!" I raised my voice. I didn't shout but I wasn't letting her think this was ok. It was anything but ok. Jade didn't look at me just crying into her hands and shaking. Okay I was being harsh, but she needed a wake up call unfortunately her crying only seemed to get worse.

"Come on lets go do something fun to take our minds off this for a while." I suggested gently. I placed a hand on her back when she didn't move, just continuing to cry. "Do you think you can eat something?"

Jade didn't respond she just cried even louder sounding broken and terrified. It was like she was sobbing and quietly screaming and gasping for breath. And she was shaking a lot. I pulled her close to me, realising I had definitely approached this wrong. She was beyond a little bit upset.

"Shhh I'm here ok? You're safe. You're loved." I whispered snuggling her in my arms. She didn't even look at me though. Completely frozen in this tuck position. I tried everything to get her to speak or to calm down but she was so far gone and an entire hour passed without her as much as moving. Her breathing was erratic and I wasn't sure she could even hear me anymore. Completely at a loss what to do I panic texted Beck.

The tanned guy only lived round the corner so he arrived quickly and I think one of the twins must have let him in because I never even noticed him knock. He just came and took a seat next to me on the bed frowning.

"Jade." Beck shook her arm lightly. As I expected she didn't reply, if anything her crying only got worse with the knowledge that another person was here.

"Jade talk to us or we're going to have to phone an ambulance." Beck said clearly.

"No." Jade managed to croak out although I noticed it took her breath away to do so. Beck shuffled next to her and began rubbing circles on her back

"Jade I think your having a panic attack can you take a deep breath for me?" Beck said calmly. I realised he was right. My cousin suffered from panic attacks and I couldn't believe I'd not realised this was what it was. I wanted to cry knowing I'd caused this. Jade continued struggling to breathe but seemed to be getting a hold of it a little better.

"Look at me.. Breathe." I instructed, following Beck's lead on this. Eventually Jade raised her head up and her terrified eyes met mine. I smiled encouragingly and squeezed her hand when she started taking actual breaths. It took a while but eventually she calmed down and just leant against Beck exhausted.

"Alright.. I don't know what's happened but this is what we're going to do." Beck took charge. "You're going to go splash your face with cool water and you and Tori are going to hug it out ok? Then all three of us are going to go downstairs for breakfast." Jades eyes immediately refilled with tears at the word 'breakfast' but Beck intervened before they could progress.

"Don't panic. You don't have to eat anything but were going to go talk. Yes?" Beck squeezed her hand. Jade nodded in agreement.

"Alright will you be okay in the bathroom by yourself?" Beck asked worriedly.

"Mmhm." Jade shuffled across the bed and shakily stood up. She folded her arms across her body walking back to the bathroom.

"Just take your time." Beck told her gently. Jade gave a faint smile before closing the door behind her. Only a few seconds later I could hear her crying again and the sound broke me. I couldn't hold it in anymore and tears streamed down my face.

"Hey are you alright?" Beck pulled me into a hug. I shrugged trying to contain myself but I was overwhelmed.

"I just don't know how to help her anymore." I confessed. "Everything I do I make her worse." Beck continued to hold me whilst I cried. His calming hushes were so close to my ear that it drowned out Jade's sobs. To say I needed him to do that was an understatement. I was heartbroken.

* * *

"Why did you take the ipecac?" Beck asked, as the three of us sat in the living room. I sat next to Jade on the couch and Beck sat in the armchair directly to our right.

"I just felt like it." Jade sighed.

"Why do you think you just felt like it?" Beck pushed. Jade rolled her eyes.

"Who are you my therapist?" Jade chided. At some point in the last hour she'd regained her wit and personality and was acting more herself.

"No I'm your friend and this is your absolutely beside herself girlfriend." Beck gestured to me. I didn't say anything but I didn't smile either.

"I'm sorry you had to see that Tori, I really, really am." Jade looked at me apologetically.

"That doesn't make me feel any better Jade. You're sorry that I saw it, not that you did it." I pointed out. "Why did you do it? Please."

"Ugh god I just wanted to feel better and it makes me feel better." Jade admitted. All three of us were silent for a minute until Beck finally spoke up.

"It's destructive Jade." Jade scoffed turning towards him.

"Don't you think I know that!?" Jade yelled. "You don't have to live with the sore throat, the stomach aches, the fucking cuts on my fingers! My heart races and slows and that terrifies me! I didn't choose this!"

"No you didn't but you can choose to get better. I don't think you've actively chosen to do that yet." Beck yelled at the same volume. Jade opened her mouth to yell again when she suddenly stopped herself something catching her eye. I followed her gaze to the doorway where Sam and Charlie were stood together curiously.

"Hey buds." Beck stood up. The two boys ran over and immediately jumped all over him.

"Beck!" Sam laughed as the older guy lifted him up. Charlie jumped at his feet and Beck gave the excitable eight year old a hi five.

"Hi five big bro!" Charlie grinned.

"What are you guys shouting about?" Sam asked glancing nervously at Jade.

"Boring things. Do you wanna go to the park?" Beck distracted him.

"Yeah!" Both the twins shouted simultaneously.

"Bikes or walking?" Beck asked. Immediately the twins began to bicker about which option to choose. Beck smirked at both us and lifted Charlie up so that both the eight year olds were on his shoulders.

"Oh my god be careful!" Jade widened her eyes. Sam and Charlie giggled.

"Were always careful aren't we?" Beck asked them both.

"Yeah always" Sam replied.

"Ways and ways" Charlie agreed. Beck turned to us his expression darkening just slightly. "I'll bring them back in a couple of hours. Tori talk some sense into her please."

Beck took the boys out of the living room to put on their shoes and get ready for the park. Jade seemed to be thinking hard and I didn't interrupt that until I heard the front door click and the excited chatter of the boys quieten as they walked away.

"For the record I know you cant just choose to get better." I took hold of Jade's hand.

"It's not that easy." Jade ran her hand through her hair.

"I know that. Beck knows that. He's just scared for you, I am too." I said quietly. I was more careful with my words this time. I did not want a repeat of this morning and another panic attack. I'd made my decision on this though. This was just one dangerous step too far. "Look me in the eye and promise me you aren't relapsing."

Jade exhaled and I recognised that defeated look in her eye. She shook her head and looked up at me. Her fingers tightening on my hand a little and I knew her answer wasn't going to be the one either of us wanted.

"I don't make promises I can't keep." Jade sighed. She wasn't crying but she looked miserable. I shuffled along the couch until I was right up against her and kissed her lips. I was upset but relieved she was finally being honest.

"I need to go back to Valewood." Jade whimpered leaning her head on my shoulder.

"I know. Thank you for admitting that." I wrapped my arms around her kissing her all over.

"I'm sorry." Jade said softly. I shook my head.

"Stop apologising baby." I kissed her lips and she kissed me back. I'm not sure if we were just comforting each other after the very difficult past few hours. but it was nice and we kept kissing for a long time. I climbed on top of her knee and she held onto my hips as we kissed passionately. I ground against her as we pulled off our clothes until we were naked and curled up together. Jade leant against my breasts and sucked and kissed them. I placed my hands on her tiny waist and pressed up against her, kissing along her collarbone. It stuck out way too much and I realised she'd lost weight. She'd always been tiny but she'd definitely lost more.

When I sat back up I realised Jade was crying silently. She pulled me in and kissed me firmly, her hands wandering down and I responded but pulled back. I wasn't going to do this right now.

"Thats enough." I said gently.

"Please." Jade whimpered.

"No. Not like this. Not when you're crying and not until you're better." I shook my head. Jade leant back and wiped her eyes before resting her hands on my thighs. We both looked at each other sadly and I kissed her one last time before reaching for Jades top and redressing her. I found her big black sweater and I pulled it over her head and then slipped back into my own jeans and top. "Lets watch a movie ok?"

"Ok" Jade nodded.

"I love you." I stroked her cheek sadly.

"I love you so much" Jade leant on me and I wrapped my arms around her cuddling her. Jade was broken. But somehow we were strong. Our relationship was strong.

* * *

When Beck returned with the boys, I told him what she'd told me. He shrugged as though it was inevitable and told me to keep a close eye on her. I promised him I would and he went through to say goodbye to Sam and Charlie and to give Jade a hug.

By 3pm Jade was getting anxious knowing her Dad would be in soon. I held her hand firmly and stroked my thumb against her palm. When the door opened she seemed frozen to her seat.

"You can do this." I reassured her. Jade stood up and went into the hall and I stood up too but staying in the living room to give her space.

"Lara." Jade said quietly "Where's Dad?"

"He's gone to work, he'll be back in three days." Lara replied.

"Three days?" Jade said fragilely.

"Yeah. There was a big stock issue or something. Are you ok?" Lara finally picked up on something being wrong.

"Not really." Jade shook her head.

"Hunny bunny.. What's the matter?" I watched Lara pull Jade awkwardly into her arms. Jade looked uncomfortable and she caught my eye. I nodded my encouragement at her.

"I need to go back to Valewood." Jade whimpered. Lara pulled back from Jade and acted as though she hadn't said anything important.

"Oh. Can't you wait until your Dad gets back in a couple of days?" Lara kicked her heels off..

"Lara just take me please." Jade begged

"I'm not your Mom.. I can't do that." Lara explained unconvincingly. I couldn't think of a worse thing Lara could have said.

"Fine." Jade folded her arms in defeat and walked back into the Living Room. She collapsed into my arms in tears and I held her, already pulling my phone out and texting Beck for the second time that day. But this time I didn't need him. I needed his Mom.

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**Review if you like.. x**


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/23/2012.

Hey journal. So I guess I should fill you in with what's been happening these past few days. It's been hard to be honest. I've known Jade was slipping into a relapse for a while but seeing her like that was the worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.

Once Jenn arrived and I told her what happened she took Jade straight back to the eating recovery center herself. After what her stepmom said, Jade sort of closed up and refused to talk to me. I got the feeling she was just very, very scared. Once Jade and Jenn had gone I went home and slept for the rest of my Saturday. It didn't matter that I'd already slept for several hours last night, I was just beyond tired.

When I woke up it was Sunday already and I felt weak, hungry and emotional. For some reason my Mom was lying next to me on the bed. I soon found out that Jenn had phoned her to let her know what was going on and she hugged me tightly giving me permission to just cry. She took care of me all day, bringing me breakfast in bed and watching movies with me. I felt stupid for being so upset but I couldn't help it. I wanted my girlfriend to be better. I wanted to feel like I hadn't completely failed her.

I didn't hear from her until Sunday night when she finally texted me. I read the text I got from her hopeful that she was doing better. She made it seem like she was doing better. But then she was very good at convincing people that.

_Hey babe. I know you're probably still angry and upset after Friday night. I'm so sorry. I know I say it too much and nothing ever changes. Please believe me I'm trying. I've been moved to a different part of the unit and they've changed my diagnosis. I love you and I'm sorry._

I love you. It's not your fault Jade. It's an illness. I wish I'd been enough to get you through it but I wasn't so I'm sorry too. What do you mean they changed your diagnosis?

_Bulimia nervosa. You did everything you could. I know you did. I'm just a big mess._

How are you feeling?

_Tired. Sad. Relieved._

I'm proud of you.

_Don't be. White. Night T. xxx_

Goodnight Jade. xxx

That was the last I heard from her over a week ago now. I've texted her every day since but she's not replied. She's not even sending me the paper chain texts anymore which makes me feel beyond anxious. I hate not having a clue how she's doing. Even Beck doesn't know. He says his Mom has been visiting every other day, but won't tell him anything and recommends leaving her be for a while. I trust Jenn which is the only reason I haven't visited yet. If Jenn says give her time, then I will.

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05/31/2012.

I saw Jade today but not at the eating recovery center. She had her final exam this morning and was escorted into school by one of the Valewood staff to sit it. The rest of our gang was stood together by the lockers when she came in. My eyes nearly jumped out of my skull, I just wasn't expecting to see her. Jade looked around the second she came through the doors, caught my eye, and ran into my arms.

"Oh my god!" I cried as Jade hugged me tightly.

"I miss you." Jade admitted, still wrapped around my body

"I miss you too." I replied breathing in her scent. "I'll come visit you soon ok?"

"Come on Jade you don't want to miss your exam." The woman who had escorted her here said firmly. I pulled away from Jade rubbing her arm.

"Good luck in your exam." I pecked her on the lips, just as she was forced to leave.

"I love you." Jade mouthed following the woman around the corner. I smiled relieved just having seen her. I walked back to my friends under the impression nothing could bring me down from that. I was wrong.

"Is it me or does she look skinnier than before she went in?" Robbie asked all of us. Beck shook his head and I found my smile falling, quickly becoming a glare.

"Did you have to say that?" I asked angrily.

"Well she does. I just noticed—"

"Just no Robbie. You don't notice it and you definitely don't comment on it!" I snapped viciously. She had lost weight. You could see it in her face and in her legs. When she hugged me I could feel her bones. I could block it out and had been blocking it out before Robbie mentioned it. I walked away upset.

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06/06/2012.

It was my very last day at Hollywood Arts today. I have to say I cried a lot. Sikowitz gave us all little gifts and cards and the whole thing was a huge ball of emotion. We still have graduation in about a month but today was officially our last day all in the same school. Sikowitz gave me a tiny wrapped present for Jade and asked me to pass it on. I said I would as soon as I saw her. I need to see her soon, I miss her a lot. But when I phoned her tonight to see if she wanted me to come visit, she didn't seem herself or good or anything really.

_"Hey Tor."_ Jade answered the phone. I could tell she was faking that enthusiastic voice instantly.

"Hi baby, how are you?" I replied softly.

_"__I'm ok how are you?" _Jade answered.

"I'm fine. It was our last day at school today. It was crazy, I wish you could have been there." I confessed.

_"I'm sorry I wasn't." _Jade said sadly.

"It's okay. I just miss you." I replied.

Jade was silent for a long time and I swore I heard her snivel before she croaked _"I miss you too." _

"You don't sound very happy." I said concerned. I heard her snivel again and I frowned upset.

_"__I have to go." _Jade eventually spoke up.

"Wait Jade!" I tried to stop her but I was too late, she'd already hung up. What does this even mean? Is she just having a bad day or is this every day? I wouldn't know because she never tells me anymore. She doesn't text me, she won't let me arrange a visit, she rarely answers my phone calls. She can push me away all she wants but this will not be a repeat of last time. I'm not losing her again.

* * *

06/14/2012.

Jade please talk to me.

What did I do wrong?.

I miss you.

Please let me know if you're ok..

_I'm great! Everything is really great._

After almost twenty concerned text messages from me, I finally got a reply and it didn't take a psychiatrist to see through that lie. People who are doing 'great' do not ignore their girlfriend for weeks. I wanted to say that but honestly I was too terrified saying anything to her that could possibly make her relapse more. I had no idea how she was doing, how fragile her mental state was. Something told me not to push her any further and after what happened tonight, I'm glad I didn't.

I wasn't expecting anyone to come over this evening. Trina was lounging on the couch next to me when the doorbell rang and obviously she insisted I got it. I was surprised when I opened the door to see Beck.

"Oh hi Beck!" Trina waved flirtatiously from the couch. Beck smiled awkwardly at my older sister whilst I rolled my eyes.

"Could I talk to you in private?" Beck lowered his voice. He looked serious and upset.

"Yeah we can go in my room." I nodded letting him inside. Trina tried to hug him and he didn't even entertain her this time just shaking his head 'no' and shrugging away from her.

"Stop it Trina." I said sternly directing Beck upstairs. For someone as stoic and emotionless as Beck he looked awfully close to tears. I knew this had something to do with Jade and I was anxious to find out what. Once we were upstairs we both sat down on my bed and I waited nervously for him to explain what this was about.

"I went to see Jade." Beck exhaled, shaking his head. "She's not doing good Tor."

"What's wrong?" I asked terrified.

"She's not eating. Anything." Beck explained gravely "She's not throwing up anymore because they won't let her obviously, but she's starving herself pretty badly."

"What?!" I gasped in horror.

"She's depressed or something. She would barely talk to me. She even refused water at one point even though she is obviously dehydrated." Beck continued

"Oh my god!" Tears pricked at my eyes and Beck leant forwards, squeezing my hand tightly.

"Somehow I got through to her about that and convinced her to drink, but god knows how she's coping by herself." Beck shook his head.

"Whats her weight?" I voiced my biggest fear.

"Dropping drastically.." Beck admitted, "Her face is unrecognisable."

"Why aren't they doing anything about it?!"

"What else can they do Tori? They can't force her to eat!"

"But she'll die!" I sobbed. The last thing I expected was to see Beck cry too. He tried to hide it but I saw him and pulled him into a hug. Both of us just cried, holding each other for a long time.

"I begged her to eat. She's not listening to me Tori." Beck shook his head. "You have to talk to her."

"If she's not listening to you, why would she listen to me?" I whimpered.

"Because she's in love with you! She would do anything to please you." Beck emphasised.

"She's not in control of it Beck.." I insisted "She's got an eating disorder. A really serious one. She's not doing this on purpose."

"But she's the only one who can change it." Beck said sadly.

"I know." I nodded.

"My Mom is _this_ close to getting her sectioned. Then they will force-feed her. Please Tori just go talk to her." Beck begged me. I wiped my eyes, sighing.

"I'll try."

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**Agh sorry for all the angst. I did warn you this wasn't going to be pretty :P Thank you to those of you who reviewed every chapter. Thats just awesome so thank you. x**


	26. Chapter 26

**Here's some flash forward fluff to make up for all the sad. I already have the next chapter written so review and I will post it tonight :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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06/07/2021.

So it turns out buying those coconuts was a horrible idea! We cracked them open and stuck straws in them like how Sikowitz used to do it and counted down to taste it. The milk touched my tongue and I felt my entire body shudder in disgust. I couldn't even swallow it and ran to the sink to spit it out. Jade didn't help. She just laughed hysterically as I rinsed my tongue under the faucet.

"I like it." Jade smirked, sipping the coconut milk again.

"It was the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth." I whimpered downing yet another glass of water. "How are you drinking that?"

"Maybe mine's better than yours." Jade shrugged offering me a sip of hers. I cautiously sucked the milk through her straw only to be met with the same repulsive taste.

"No. Ew. What!?" I spat into the sink. Jade put her coconut down coming up behind me and kissing my neck.

"Baby." Jade giggled, wrapping her hands around my waist. I relaxed back into her arms feeling her warm squishy chest press against me. I loved being like this. Encased by her arms and feeling completely safe and content. I smiled intertwining my fingers with hers and leaning back to kiss her lips. Jade indulged me, kissing me deeply and I didn't even care that I could still slightly taste the coconut on her tongue. I was just in complete bliss.

"What are we going to do today? Go on that island tour or back to bed?" Jade asked cheekily.

"It's up to you wifey." I replied.

"Wifey?" Jade spluttered laughing.

"Must you make fun of me?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

"No but you're just so cute." Jade kissed my nose still laughing a bit.

"Hmpf you made me feel bad." I turned my head away.

"Noo. Let wifey make it up to you." Jade hugged me tighter. I smirked knowing she couldn't see my face but continued to hold back as she kissed along my jaw and ran her hands down my body. I shuddered involuntarily and she smiled knowing she had me like putty in her hands.

"What do you want to do?" Jade whispered in my ear, leaning her head on my shoulder kissing me and continuing to draw innocent pattens with her fingers along my lower stomach.

"Hmmm." I hummed distracted as her hands got lower and her lips sucked harder. I bit my lip undecided on whether I had the strength to keep up playing mad with her when she was doing that to me.

"Just tell wifey what you want me to do." Jade stopped kissing me to whisper seductively into my ear.

"Ugh just take me back to bed." I gave in. Jade swivelled me around and kissed me triumphantly. We went back to bed and stayed there for the rest of the morning eventually deciding after tainting that name to no end that we would never call each other wifey again.

When we finally got up for good Jade made us tomato and chorizo soup from scratch. It's this crazy recipe she discovered in one of her Mom's old cook books which takes ages to make, but tastes so good! We had it with bread rolls and salad on the balcony in the sunshine. We'd just finished eating when Jades phone rang. She smirked and showed me who it was.

_"__Hi Jenn."_ Jade answered happily. _"No don't be silly we just finished lunch."_ They talked for another five minutes before the real reason for the phone call finally came up.

_"__Jenn wants to know if we're eating properly."_ Jade rolled her eyes gesturing for me to back her up. I smiled already having known that Jenn would ask that. Even though Jade's been in recovery for a while now, she likes to check in. I couldn't believe she phoned all the way to Puerto Rico to ask her that though.

"Yes we're both eating good." I said loud enough for Jenn to hear me through the speaker. Jade smiled satisfied and I went about picking up the dishes to load the dishwasher whilst Jade finished on the phone.

_"__I think not keeping a food diary is working out."_ I overheard Jade say. _"Seriously I don't think about it as much, I just eat when I'm hungry."_

_"__Yeah I know, don't worry, I'll still do it when I get back."_

_"__Okay. Love you too. Bye."_ I saw Jade exhale seeming slightly exasperated. I know she gets irritated when we try to get involved in her diet and management of her eating disorder and truthfully we do cushion her a little too much. We just came so close to losing her, it's really hard for us to let her go it alone even though she probably could.

"Can we go out some place" Jade suddenly appeared in the kitchen making me jump.

"Yeah where?" I replied closing up the dishwasher.

"I don't know I just want to go do something." Jade smiled playing with the necklace I was wearing.

"We could go to Centro de Bellas Artes." I suggested.

"Yes." Jade agreed immediately. "I heard their actors are broadway quality I mean tshh they probably just say that but—" I interrupted her by kissing her lips. I couldn't resist her when she got all excited about stuff.

"People will want pictures." I reminded her.

"Are you saying there's something wrong with my appearance today?" Jade asked offended.

"No! I love your appearance." I replied panicked. Jade laughed and I shoved her lightly in the arm. "You just love being mean to me today!" I scorned.

"Sorry it's just too easy." Jade smirked. I narrowed my eyes in her direction before following her upstairs to get ready to go out. She's such a tease. A tease I love, but a tease nonetheless.

After a bit of googling we found a play we wanted to go see and at around 7pm we made our way inland to the theater. I could see the recognition crossing the staff's faces as we entered. It made me smirk when Jade innocently took a leaflet from one of the guys at the front and their mouth dropped open at the sight of one of the most successful writers and directors in the industry spontaneously showing up at their theater.

It was a really fun night although it did take us a while to actually sit down because once one person asked for a photograph about fifty people decided they wanted one too. We stayed together with our arms linked around our waists and chatted with fans who were interested in how our honeymoon was going. Everyone was really nice and the play was excellent. We stayed out late and then came home for a late dinner and exhaustedly fell asleep in bed. I think I'm really going to miss Puerto Rico when we go back. Every day is perfect here.

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**Review for chapter 27 :D xx**


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for reviewing guys! I'm sorry to say I'm thanking you with a sort of depressing chapter :S I really don't know much about the US Mental Health Act so I can't promise you accuracy over the legal rights etc. in this chapter. I did a little research but yeah.. Hopefully this is still okay.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/15/2012.

I went to visit Jade today. I can't even begin to explain how much she's suffering. It's obvious now that we got her in there just in time because her mental health is seriously questionable. I've never seen her like this before.

When I arrived the first person I bumped into was Jenn. I was surprised to see her there because she'd only just been here yesterday with Beck. She was sat cross legged on a bench near the entrance and when she noticed me she smiled sadly. I smiled back and took a seat next to her on the bench. I realised quickly she had slightly red eyes like she'd been crying.

"She's had a nasogastric feeding tube fitted." Jenn cut straight to the chase. "It wasn't even my choice anymore. It's policy if a patient refuses food for three consecutive days they have the right to fit one against their will."

"How's she taking it?" I asked quietly. Jenn just shrugged, looking into the distance but not really focusing on anything.

"She's devastated, convinced I'm doing it to hurt her." Jenn sighed.

"She's not been eating of course you aren't doing it to hurt her." I rubbed the older woman's arm supportively. Jenn looked like she felt guilty about it. She shouldn't though not if it was for her own good.

"Tori I think you should be first to know, I'm going to sign the papers this afternoon to get her sectioned." Jenn explained upset

"What?" I gasped. Okay feeding tube I could understand, but sectioning?

"I'm not giving up on her ok? Please hear me out on this." Jenn looked at me anxiously. I sighed willing to listen to her opinion on this, still unsure that sectioning was really the answer. Jade turned towards me seriously. "At the moment she has a lot of control over her treatment because she admitted herself voluntarily and she's abusing that power"

"Like how?" I frowned.

"Refusing the tube for so long, not attending therapy, not taking medication, this crazy fast she's been doing." Jenn listed her reasons. "I've had legal guardianship over Jade since she was eleven but its her eighteenth birthday in a month. If I don't do this soon, I lose the power to do it." Jenn said firmly. She turned to me her whole face completely stressed. It was obvious she wasn't taking this decision lightly. "Please don't hate me."

"I don't. I just can't believe it. Is sectioning her really necessary?" I asked skeptically. Jenn nodded.

"I think so sweetie. She's been completely taken over by it this time. I talk to her and I don't know who I'm talking to. Jade or Eating disorder."

"I need to see her Jenn." I stood up determined. I needed to be with my girlfriend. She sounded so ill. Jenn gave me a hug goodbye and I went quickly into the reception. There was a woman sat at a computer typing that I didn't recognise from the last time Jade was here but I went up to her anyway.

"Hi I'm here to see Jade West." I said confidently. The woman smiled and typed Jade's name into the computer. I watched as her face fell and she spun around on her chair, going through a door in the back. I stood there confused for five minutes until the woman returned with another woman with dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes.

"Hi I'm Dr. Taye." The woman introduced herself to me.

"Tori Vega" I shook her hand nervously.

"Sorry for the formalities but could I ask your age please?" The doctor asked.

"I'm eighteen." I told her.

"Could I see some identification please?" The woman smiled sympathetically. I pulled open my purse and found my drivers licence and handed it to the woman.

"Thank you." Dr. Taye handed me my id back. "You are already listed on the system as permitted visitation. I just have to ask you to quickly fill out this form and sign this waiver. Jade had a feeding tube fitted before and she's not taking it very well so there's going to be someone watching the room through a security camera we just need confirmation you knew this in advance."

I exhaled nervously and took the pen from the doctor to fill out the forms. According to this I was only allowed to visit for an hour at a time, twice a week. I couldn't take my purse through, I had to remove my bracelets. It all felt very excessive but I could understand why they were doing it if they were particularly worried about her. The whole ordeal made my stomach twist and my heart hurt.

When I was done with all the forms I handed them back to the first woman and Dr. Taye lead me through the corridors and through several locked doors. Jade was staying in section K. Last time she was here she had been in section E. I'm not entirely sure what the letters really mean but I don't think I really want to know to be honest. Just from the level of security I could tell this section was a lot more serious.

Dr. Taye knocked on the door and then immediately stepped inside. I held back for a second waiting for confirmation it was ok.

"Jade your girlfriend is here." I heard the doctor inform her, but nothing from Jade. Dr Taye gestured me in and I stepped cautiously inside the room. Jade was curled up in bed, facing the wall and had both her hands covering her face.

"I'll be back in an hour to escort you back out." Dr Taye turned to me quietly "Or if you need to leave before then just press the button on the side of the bed." I nodded and smiled as she left the room.

"Hi." I said quietly. Jade ignored me, continuing to face the wall. I sighed, taking my jacket and shoes off and placing them on the chair at the side. I stepped closer to the bed my heart pummelling in my chest. I could already see why Jenn wanted to get her sectioned. She was tiny.

"You've stopped talking to me J.. did you think I was just going to forget about you?" I said softly. I fully expected her to ignore me again but to my relief she shrugged. Even a noncommittal response was better than no response. I sat down on the edge of the bed and when she didn't push me away, I crawled in next to her, spooning her and placing my hand on the centre of her back. I tried to ignore the boney feeling but it was difficult. I took a deep breath.

"Baby please talk to me." No answer. I was getting desperate. I needed her to talk, to tell me how she was feeling. Even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, I couldn't bare this silence.

"I'm so sorry this happened... please just talk to one of us, we're so worried about you." I said softly. I hoped this would get her talking but it prompted something much worse. She let out a broken, sad cry and just wailed quietly. I wrapped my arms tightly around her whilst she cried, needing all my strength not to cry along with her.

"I want to die. I want to die so this will stop." Jade eventually croaked.

"You don't mean that." I said calmly.

"I do. I've been wishing it since I got here." Jade cried.

"No Jade. There are so many people who love you, who need you. Beck's devastated he's so worried about you. Your brothers want their sister back. Cat wants her best friend back. We all miss you so much." I told her firmly.

"It's too hard." Jade sobbed. I could feel her whole body shake as she wracked with cries.

"I know. It sucks, it completely sucks but you're one of the strongest people I know.. You will get through this." I insisted.

"I can't. You all think I'm strong but I'm not! I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm strong because I'm just not!" Jade screamed alarmingly. I hushed her and rubbed her back gently.

"Okay shhh" I continued to rub her back until she stopped crying and spoke in a very soft voice. "You don't have to be strong. We'll be strong for you. But you need to eat."

"I don't fucking need to eat though do I? Because I don't have a choice anymore. They will feed me until I'm so fat, I will probably leave this place obese." Jade whimpered. The suggestion was ridiculous but I could tell this was a genuine fear and that she probably really believed this.

"Of course they won't." I said firmly. "We all just want you to be healthy again."

"I want to go home, I don't want this tube please Tori please!" Jade shouted. Before I even realised what she was doing she began to pull at the feeding tube she had inserted in her nose and the doors flung open and two staff members came in and restrained her hands. It was slightly terrifying even for me and Jade just cried hysterically.

"It's alright. You're okay" I reassured her gently. I looked up at the two staff members and smiled sympathetically.

"It's alright, I wont let her pull it out." I told them, taking hold of both Jade's hands tightly. My heart was still racing and I figured Jade was probably the same. The staff nodded and quietly left. Jade was still crying.

"Shhhh.. I've got you." I said gently I squeezed both of her hands holding them close to her chest.

"I'm so scared." Jade whimpered.

"I know.. but this is for the best. This will help you. It might not seem like it will right now, but you need this to get better." I tried to get through to her. Jade sniffed loudly and I had no idea if my words had sunk in. I just really wanted to see her "Please turn around."

Slowly Jade rolled her body over until we were facing each other. Except she kept her face hidden by her hands. I could tell she was embarrassed about the feeding tube or something. It seriously didn't matter to me.

"Come on. It's only me." I encouraged her gently. It took her a few deep breaths and a couple of minutes but she eventually moved her hands away. Her eyes were swollen and red, tears streaming down her cheeks and the feeding tube went up her left nostril and was taped to the side of her cheek. I smiled sadly and wiped her tears away with my thumbs.

"I missed your face." I said honestly.

"I missed yours." Jade whispered back. I wrapped my arms around her waist cuddling her closely.

"You will get through this Jade." I said firmly. I was not going to let her give up hope, no matter how bad it got.

"Help me." Jade said vulnerably.

"Everyone's trying to help you baby. Everyone wants you to get better. We love you so, so, so much. But you need to help yourself to fix this." I leant in and kissed her lips softly. At first she barely responded but eventually I began to feel her kiss back and then eventually she held onto my body and kissed me properly. It was the only thing she did the entire time I was there with any passion or will.

"How about you tell me whats been going on ok?"

I stayed there just talking to her and listening to her explain everything she was worried about and everything 'evil' Valewood was putting her through. To be honest it sounded like they knew what they were doing. We did a lot of hugging and kissing and eventually Jade fell asleep. I continuing holding her and stroking her hair until I was forced to leave. Dr. Taye came back once the hour was up and I kissed Jade on the cheek climbing out of the bed.

"Please get better Jade. I need you." I stroked her hair, feeling tears prick my eyes. "I love you so much."

I left the room and Dr. Taye led me back to the reception where I bumped into Jenn again. Beck's Mom held her arms out to me obviously noticing the affect this visit had on me and I fell right into them, hugging her tightly. The hug only served as a stark contrast to Jades tiny body. I listened for a while as Jenn talked to the doctor about the treatment they were going to put Jade through now that she had the tube and they had the section, but I didn't care. The only thing that will get her through this is love and support. I pulled Jenn aside before we both left determined to make a difference.

"I want to be listed as a carer." I told her seriously. Jenn immediately looked skeptical.

"Tori that's a really big responsibility." Jenn shook her head

"I don't care. She needs me and unless I'm registered as a carer I can only see her twice a week for an hour. That's not enough." I insisted.

"You're eighteen years old. You're barely an adult." Jenn pointed out.

"Please Jenn." I added upset. I couldn't do this without her permission. Jenn sighed, looking very conflicted.

"I'll think about it." She eventually agreed. I nodded wanting to show maturity about this and we both went our separate ways.

Okay yes I know it's a big responsibility.. it's a huge responsibility but there's nothing I'd rather do. I need to know I'm helping her and I can't if I'm barely allowed to spend time with her. She's running out of fight so she needs us to fight for her. I've stayed away for too long and it is evidently not working out for her. Anorexia and Bulimia might be winning right now but I'm not going to let them kill her. I will fight forever if I have to.

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**:(**


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/20/2012.

I recorded my first song today. It feels so SO weird to be this excited about something considering everything that's going on with Jade. But honestly it's my dream come true. I'm going to be in the studio most days for next couple of months in the hope we can get an album out in the next year and I'm going to be the supporting act for a couple of singers in their LA concerts.

They actually wanted me to do out-of state concerts too but I told them it was impossible at the moment. After Jenn thought through everything and James' lack of involvement in his daughters treatment, she allowed me to sign the documents with Valewood to be listed as one of Jade's carers. Jade didn't seem too impressed when she found out about it to be honest, but after I told her it meant we got more time together she stopped complaining.

I love the songs we've picked, they are all so fun and catchy. My only regret is not having any involvement in the songwriting process. But if I ever get the opportunity to record a second album then I want to try including some songs of my own. I've been songwriting more than usual actually. Mostly sad ballads and depressing stuff that probably isn't very good but that's all I can get out at the moment. When the person you love is seriously ill and there's absolutely nothing you can do, you don't find yourself writing upbeat, poppy tunes. At least I get to spend time recording happy songs, it does brighten up my day

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07/04/2012.

So I guess the summer isn't all bad. I've been hanging out with Andre a lot and there's been so many party's for ex Hollywood Arts students. Sometimes people ask me about Jade. I don't know what to say so I just say she's ok. The truth is she's not. She still isn't eating a thing, sustained entirely by the feeding tube. She did gain a couple of pounds but somehow managed to lose them again in about a week. She's in the dangerously underweight category, she doesn't get periods anymore and her hair is starting to seriously thin. If this is the effect this fast is having externally I don't even want to think what it's doing to the inside.

I try to visit Jade every other day or on the days that Jenn or (rarely) Jade's father aren't there. Beck sometimes comes along with me although he's restricted to the time limit. We always try to have one of us with her in the morning whilst she's force fed through the tube. The first feed of the day is the hardest because it destroys her vision of a 'perfect day'. Jade's idea of a perfect day could be described using adjectives such as hungry, empty or a light and she always wakes up determined not to consume any calories.

As you can imagine destroying Jade's perfect day does not happen easily. Staff have to hold her down to stop her from ripping the tube out of her nose and she screams absolutely distraught. It's in those moments, when I'm sitting and rubbing her arm to attempt to stop her panic that I'm hit with the reality that she genuinely has a mental illness. She trembles and cries and screams until it's over and then staff have to observe her afterwards as she often thrusts her fingers down her throat the second they remove the feed.

The other feeds aren't as hard although she nearly always cries. They always give her the choice to eat an actual meal before giving her the tube and sometimes they force her downstairs into the dining room, but she's yet to let food pass her lips. I've asked her why on several occasions and she either say's she's too tired or she doesn't need to eat right now. I know the psychiatrists and therapists are working extremely hard to get her out of this mindset but it's been three weeks now and she still hasn't eaten.

Despite her reluctance to eat she desperately wants the tube removed. She says she hates how she looks with the tube in her nose and she's obsessed with it being dangerous. There are some risks associated with incorrect insertion of the tube leading to pneumonia, puncturing the lungs, peritonitis. Believe me Jade has done her research and continues to do it every day in attempt to scare us into getting it removed. The staff have reassured us they are all highly trained in correct insertion and replacement of feeding tubes and that they've never had an incident of incorrect insertion at Valewood before.

I guess this is a process and it's going to take a long time. The doctors say they're gradually increasing the volume and nutritional content of the artificial feeds but they have to do it slowly because increasing it too fast would be dangerous and they're hoping Jade will eventually calm down and not panic so much during the feeds. If she could just gain enough weight to push her back into the healthy range that would be enough to stop my constant worrying about her but the likelihood of that actually happening unless she starts eating actual food again is small. I thought the feeding tube would force her to get better but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. Everything seems very complicated right now.

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07/11/2012.

So Beck has this theory that the reason Jade isn't getting better is because she's basically given up. When he first said it, I was so upset that he could even bare to say such a thing but he made me hear him out. Jade refuses to do anything she isn't forced into doing. She's been so focused on food and her weight and living the eating disorder life that she's forgotten what the world's really about. And being trapped in Valewood 24/7 is probably not helping to remind her. And so we formulated a plan.

I went to Dr. Taye with our idea and she immediately said no mainly based on two huge problems. 1) Jade is not nearly mentally stable enough to go out, 2) Her physical health is compromised meaning she isn't able to safely walk long distances.

I went away and thought carefully about her objections before trying one last time with my readjustments. Beck and I would be with her the entire time and of all people, we are the ones she acts most stable with. We would just go to Elsaridge park, set up a picnic and not walk around too much. The doctor still seemed to have reservations about it but permitted the outing on the conditions we were only out on a Sunday so it wouldn't interfere with the treatment schedule, we were only gone for three hours and returned no later than 4pm.

And so today being the next free Sunday we both had, Beck arrived at Jade's room in Valewood. I'd already been there for an hour before he showed up and he hugged us both before sitting down at the end of the bed. We chatted casually for a couple of minutes before I brought the outing up.

"So do you want to go out for a bit?" I suggested casually.

"Out?" Jade repeated raising an eyebrow.

"I brought my car." Beck smiled confusing her even more. "You up for going out?"

"I think you're both forgetting one small detail uh.. I'm sectioned!" Jade replied, looking between us as though we had gone mad. I had to suppress a laugh at how confused she looked.

"Yeah we asked permission from Dr. Taye." I explained, "She says it's fine and you can go as long as you're good and come back by 4pm." I explained. I saw the realisation through Jades face as she processed my words and grasped that we were actually serious. She actually had the chance to leave.

"No. You know what. No thank you." She shook her head. My smile fell.

"What? Why?" Beck asked confused.

"You guys don't have to take me out ok? I'm fine just staying here." Jade said quietly, not meeting our eyes. I frowned realising she thought she was being a burden.

"Jade." I stood up and came to sit next to her on the bed rubbing her arm gently. "We're not saying this because we have to, we're saying it because we want to." She stayed quiet thinking it over for a while. Beck looked like he wanted to say something further but I subtly put a finger to my lips waiting for her to make a decision. Jade looked doubtful and maybe even a glimmer of fear passed through her eyes but when she finally looked up, she exhaled giving a small smile.

"Where are we going?"

It took us a good ten minutes to sign out of the center. We'd already heard all the rules and warnings before hand without Jade being there but Dr. Taye spoke to Jade by herself for a while just making sure she knew the conditions. We had to leave so many details about Becks car, presumably so we couldn't just drive off forever. It felt like a lot of effort for a simple trip to the park, but when we finally got out and into the car, we relaxed and the fun side came back.

"I'm totally third wheeling on this date." Beck smirked as he drove along.

"Don't be dumb" Jade retorted, "If anyone isn't meant to be coming it's me. I still don't get how you convinced them to let me out."

"It's not jail Jade. Valewood just wants to look after you." I shrugged. We were both sat in the back seats whilst Beck drove us to the park and I reached out and held her hand. Jade looked at me still seeming completely suspicious but smiled squeezing my hand back. It was only about a twenty minute drive to the park from the eating recovery center so we arrived quickly. Beck grabbed the picnic basket we'd carefully planned and packed from the trunk whilst Jade and I climbed out of the car. We got round to the entrance when all three of us suddenly stopped. I grimaced annoyed with myself. I'd completely forgotten about the steep steps leading into the main walkway.

"Well shit we might as well just go back because I'll never make it up that." Jade announced.

"Naa we're going" Beck disagreed handing me the picnic basket. I was confused for a moment but I realised what he was doing when he put his arms out to Jade.

"Ha. No. Beck don't you dare!" Jade shook her head.

"Come on it won't take more than a minute." Beck smirked.

"You can not carry me up those steps!" Jade insisted. "Did you suddenly grow muscles or something?"

"You weigh nothing, it will be easy." Beck shrugged.

"This is mortifying." Jade grumbled.

"Please Jade. No one will care." I backed him up on this.

"Ugh fine." Jade allowed Beck to pick her up. Beck lifted her with complete ease but I saw an expression of pain cross her features and she moaned slightly.

"You alright?" Beck confirmed with her.

"Mmhm just tell me when it's over." Jade replied. I caught Beck's eye as he nervously held onto Jade who had closed her eyes seemingly in some sort of pain. Beck walked slowly and gently up the steps whilst I followed close behind them. A couple of passers by gave very sympathetic looks at the sight of such a frail person, with an NG tube being carried into a park. I began to feel kind of glad that Jade has her eyes closed so she couldn't see all the staring. I was also relieved we didn't see anyone from school to see that this is what has become of the all independent, terrifying Jade West.

"We're here." Beck told her softly once we reached the top.

"Okay." Jade unscrunched her eyes allowing Beck to put her back down on her feet. I was immediately at her side helping her stable from the sudden change in state. She wobbled a bit holding my hands tightly.

"It's alright I've got you." I reassured her, waiting until her balance came back. When the vertigo eventually left, we walked around the park for a while before setting up our picnic blanket in a little enclosure sheltered by some big trees. The three of us sat on it for a while just laughing and chatting. Both Beck and Jade questioned me to no end on the recording stuff and pestered me to tell them stuff I really wasn't allowed to. I told them a couple of minor things but kept all the big secrets to myself. They'd find out soon enough.

About 1.30pm we unpacked the salad and pizza we'd made for our lunch. Beck and I decided on only two options for food knowing that too much choice would freak Jade out but hoping that at least one of the meals would appeal to her. Unfortunately that didn't really happen.

My hopes were raised when Jade took a handful of salad but in the end she didn't put a single bite in her mouth, just moving it around her plate with her fork. I tried not to care. But I had really hoped after all this, after how happy Jade seemed out with us that she'd want to eat.

"Look a little bunny." Jade crawled over to a nearby bush, and pulled a baby bunny rabbit out of it.

"Aww he's starving" Jade lifted the bunny onto her lap and started feeding him the carrots and lettuce leaves that had originally meant to be her lunch. I sighed glancing over at Beck exasperatedly. How could she recognise that a baby bunny needed food and not herself but he shook his head and leant forwards to talk to me.

"She's happy, look." Beck pointed out. I looked up at Jade who was smiling and stroking the baby rabbit whilst he munched happily on a carrot stick. I guess it was nice to see her actually happy and completely on her own accord.

Eventually the bunny ran off and Jade just came and snuggled up next to me contently as I leant against the trunk of a big tree. It was a warm day but I could feel she was shivering.

"Are you cold?" I asked her concerned.

"No." Jade replied immediately. I looked at her skeptically still feeling her shiver.

"Jade don't be silly. Do you want your sweater?" I offered her. Jade nodded and immediately Beck threw her one of her sweaters he'd packed in his backpack. Even putting on a sweater seemed to take a lot of energy from her and she had to catch her breath and lean against me. I wrapped my arm around her and we sat in silence for a while just looking at the park, listening to the bustle of the trees and people talking in the distance.

"I love you." I whispered in her ear.

"I love you too." Jade whispered back. Within the next couple of minutes Jade fell asleep on my shoulder and it almost made me cry. We had walked for less than fifteen minutes and that was enough to deplete all her energy resources.

"She's still shivering can you—" I nodded Beck to her other side. Beck shuffled around so that we were cushioning her in with our body heat. I heard her stomach growl and that was it for me. I shook my head, tears filling my eyes. Beck noticed I was upset and placed a comforting hand on my back.

"I wish this disease didn't exist." I sniffed.

"Me too." Beck said gently.

"Every day she's getting weaker and the life is taken from her a little bit more." I cried. snuggling her tiny body a little closer to mine. Jade moaned softly in her sleep and I kissed her hair.

"We're losing her Beck" I whispered. Beck went quiet looking down at Jade with anguish. He had to look away quickly because I could tell he was getting upset too. I couldn't hear him but I thought I heard him mumble "I know."

I'm trying to be strong and I still believe she'll make it but I just wish she'd eat. I don't understand how she's still doing this, how she's still managing to say no to every single piece of food we offer her. I had to fill a form in at the end of the outing once we got her back to Valewood listing everything she ate and I almost felt ashamed handing it back in with nothing written there. I really thought this would work. I just don't want to lose her.

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	29. Chapter 29

**This chapter really just focuses on how all this is affecting Tori and Beck. They're doing the right thing being so supportive to Jade but it's getting a bit much for them both now. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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07/15/2012.

Today was Hollywood Arts Graduation 2012. It was a very bitter-sweet day. I'm so proud of all my friends for passing senior year but I just don't want it to end. I would stay in Hollywood Arts for the rest of my life if I could. Okay maybe not the rest of my life but you know.. another year wouldn't of hurt. I'm actually writing this journal entry in my graduation robes. I don't want to take them off because that would mean it's officially over.

*Sighs* Of course today couldn't of happened with out a little drama. Obviously Jade couldn't attend graduation which really sucks. I know she wanted to be there but she's just not well enough. Having to stand up for that long, the sit-down dinner at the end, even just being on stage in front of a huge crowd would have been way too much for her at the moment. I guess it's a good thing that she managed to complete her exams before the eating disorder really took over. Somehow even with time off and everything that's been going on, she still managed to get straight A's.

Once everyone in attendance had collected their diplomas, Helen went on to read out the students names who graduated but couldn't make it to the ceremony. There were only three students on her list but after each name was read the audience clapped just as loudly. Jade's name was last and our whole gang cheered proudly. The sounds of our supportive cheers couldn't drown out a certain persons voice though.

"Jade's too busy puking her guts up to make it to her own graduation." Ryder sneered, prompting a giggle from one of his posse.

The speech's started and everyone went quiet whilst they listened. Cat took my hand and squeezed it when she saw my sad face. Why couldn't Ryder just leave Jade alone? I was too caught up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice the shuffling happening at the other end of the alphabet.

Suddenly it was though everything moved in slow motion. "Beck stop!" I overheard Andre shout but he couldn't stop him. Beck stepped forwards and punched the pale guy hard in the lip, knocking him backwards. The speech's stopped and everyone stared as Andre pulled Beck out of the blackbox. From the corner of my eye I spotted Jenn and her husband in the audience, shaking their heads and looking mad. Quickly I stood up and followed the guys out of the room.

"He deserved it!" I overheard Beck yelling from round the corner.

"Yeah but did you have to hit him in front of our entire graduating class, their parents and all our teachers?" Andre groaned.

"I couldn't take it anymore!" Beck shouted angrily.

I decided now was a good time as any to come round the corner and just hug him. Andre left whilst Beck and I stood there holding each other for a long time. I could feel the rage radiating from his body. He was upset. The thing is, Beck is the least violent and least aggressive of all the people I know and punching someone was completely out of character.

"Sorry." I heard him mumble apologetically. "I should have ignored him."

"It's okay." I reassured him.

"She's like a sister to me. I can't just sit back and listen to people saying shit about her when she's so damn vulnerable about it." Beck shook his head, "but I shouldn't have got violent that was dumb."

"You know what?" I pulled out of his arms, "You did the right thing ok? You stood up for her. Ryder has been nothing but horrible all year long and he's said this kind of thing one too many times. Don't feel bad about it."

"I don't." Beck shook his head. I smiled sympathetically.

"Come on lets go back to the blackbox and hopefully they'll not kick you out or anything." I sighed. Beck nodded and we snuck back into the ceremony just in time to throw our graduation caps. No one mentioned what happened for the rest of the day and thankfully Ryder stayed away from us. He did glare at Beck for the majority of the meal not that any of us cared. I honestly wouldn't care less if I never see Ryder Daniels for the rest of my life.

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07/16/2012.

Today was.. a really bad day. I'm trying not to cry as I write this but my heart hurts. I need my girlfriend so much right now. But there's nothing I can do. I'm not allowed to see her.

I went to Valewood this morning to visit Jade. All the receptionist's at the eating recovery center recognise me now because I'm there so often but I only managed to say 'hi' before the lady on shift interrupted me.

"Sorry no visitors for Jade today."

"What? Why?" I immediately frowned.

"I'm sorry I can't disclose that information to non-family members." The receptionist smiled apologetically.

"No her Guardian and her Father listed me as a carer and I signed a release with Jade." I argued my case calmly.

"I'll call Dr. Taye but it's unlikely, I'm sorry." The receptionist went through the back. My heart was racing wondering what could possibly have happened in the past two days that meant Jade wasn't allowed visitors. It couldn't be anything good. She's not been doing any better but she's certainly not been doing any worse either. Nothing had changed, so why couldn't I see her? Within the next couple of minutes Dr. Taye arrived in the reception.

"Miss Vega would you follow me please?" The doctor spoke kindly. I followed her through the office door and down the staff corridor and I realised we were making our way to her office. She held the door open for me and I entered.

"Please take a seat." Dr Taye sat down at her desk. I could feel my blood pumping round my body as I waited for the explanation. "I'm afraid I have some difficult news."

"What's happened?" I asked terrified. The doctor looked at me apologetically.

"Last night Jade managed to pull out her NG tube, purge everything in her stomach and proceeded to go into a panic attack." Dr Taye explained what was going on. My heart sunk but the doctor carried on.

"Staff found her, sedated her, and she was taken to the general hospital where they will fit her with a gastric feeding tube before she's readmitted here."

"Sorry fitted with what?" I asked upset.

"They'll make a small surgical cut in her abdomen and insert a feeding tube directly into her stomach." Dr Taye explained gently.

"She won't be able to pull this one out?" I croaked.

"No." Dr Taye assured me. My palms were shaking and I felt completely ill at the thought of her getting herself into such a mess. She'd been threatening to pull the NG tube out from the moment she got it. I guess I never really thought she'd go through it.

"Sorry I feel a bit sick." I admitted, holding my head in my hands.

"Deep breath." The doctor instructed me. I did as she said and eventually my head stopped spinning.

"I don't think it will be healthy for either you or for Jade to be together right now." The doctor explained apologetically. "The last time I spoke to my colleague at the hospital she expected Jade will be there for a week at least."

"Okay." I whimpered.

"Take as long as you need." Dr Taye handed me a box of tissues and left the room, to give me some privacy. I stayed in her office for another twenty minutes before I felt composed enough to drive myself home. It was one of the strangest drives in my life. I just felt completely numb and the closer I got to my house the worse I felt.

None of my family were home when I finally arrived. The last thing I expected myself to do and the last place I expected my feet to take me was the bathroom. I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and tears just streamed down my face. I was completely devastated. I just couldn't understand this at all. I'd tried so hard to get inside her head and empathise with her. But I just couldn't. Why did she feel the need to hurt herself like this?

It was then I made a very dark decision. I glanced at the toilet and the idea clicked in my head. I needed to know what the hell she does this for.

I felt like i was in a trance as I bent over the toilet bowl and shaking I stuck two fingers in the back of my throat. I immediately gagged and felt horrible. I almost gave up right away because the feeling was so uncomfortable but I carried on. I needed to know.

Once I was done I sat down on the floor and just cried. Purging was not what I expected at all. It was almost too easy and completely messed up. A part of me was terrified what I'd got myself into. Was this how it started? It was empowering. It gave you a feeling of complete control over your body and at the same time, shame and disgust. The only person I wanted to talk to was Jade. In that moment, I needed her then more than I've ever needed her before and somehow I'd never felt further away.

I unlocked the bathroom door and ran to my bedroom where I lay down panting and closed my eyes just trying to think straight. Everything seemed to be spiralling more and more out of control and I knew I needed help. This was dangerous. I picked up my phone and hastily phoned Andre.

"Hey girl." Andre answered brightly. I sniffed trying to find the right words.

"Um hey." I whimpered, trying to hold in my tears.

"Are you ok?" Andre immediately picked up on something being wrong.

"No I don't think so actually." I cried, wiping my eyes with the reverse of my palm. I heard Andre getting up and pulling his car keys out of his pocket.

"I'll be round in ten."

True to his word Andre arrived at my house in ten minutes and had ice cream and chick flicks in his hands. I stifled a laugh at the sight of him and allowed him to pull me into a hug. I probably still had tear stains down my cheeks.

"Come on, tell Andre all about it." The dreaded guy sat down on my couch, patting the seat next to him. I sat down on the couch and took a deep breath.

"I went to see Jade this morning and she'd pulled her feeding tube out." I explained to him bluntly.

"Oh God." Andre looked shocked.

"Yeah they wouldn't let me in." I croaked.

"Is she alright?" Andre asked concerned. I shook my head and started to cry. Full actual tears. Andre wrapped his arms around me tightly and rubbed my back.

"Shhh, she'll get better." Andre said softly.

"Will she?" I asked doubtfully "When Andre? When and how? How can anyone help her when she does things like this?" Andre didn't attempt to answer any of my questions just silently rubbing my back and letting me cry into his shirt.

"I stuck my fingers down my throat." I whimpered quietly. Andre pulled me back and I couldn't bare to meet his eyes, just looking down at my hands ashamed.

"Tori! What? Why would you do that?" Andre asked, sounding understandably horrified.

"Just to see what it was like." I shrugged

"Tori.." Andre said seriously.

"It was the worst feeling in the world." I sobbed, wiping yet more tears away from my face.

"Look at me." Andre ordered sternly. "_Never_ do that again. I don't know what was going through your head but you can not go down that path."

"I won't and before you worry I'm not bulimic. I just wanted to know what she felt like and why she did it?" I explained my very poor reasoning."

"And?" Andre asked sceptically.

"Like worthless shit it's such a horrible feeling." I folded my arms across my chest "I just don't understand. I don't understand why she puts herself through it."

"She does it because she's sick. Because she's not thinking right." Andre said seriously.

"I know." I sniffed leaning my head on Andre's shoulder.

"Maybe you should tell her about this." Andre suggested "Show her how much it's affecting you.. and Beck for that matter."

"Oh god no never. She's already convinced that we should stay far, far away from her. She can never see how its affecting us, it would destroy her." I explained.

"Have you considered getting therapy?" Andre asked suddenly.

"Me?" I replied confused.

"Yes you. It's hard caring for someone who has mental health issues." Andre rubbed my arm.

"It's so hard." I exhaled.

"And whilst Jade's like this who's looking after you? Who's making sure you're alright?" Andre questioned me.

"I don't need anyone to look after me." I shook my head.

"Everyone needs someone. And if you're dealing with it like this I think it's time you did speak to a professional. Don't they do that at Valewood? Support for family and friends.."

"Yeah they do." I nodded. They'd offered it to me on multiple occasions and I'd always refused thinking it was unnecessary.

"Then do it. If anything it will show Jade it's ok to ask for help. It's ok to talk about your problems and you need to do a bit of self-loving Tori because I don't think you have in a while." Maybe Andre had a point. I was so focused on trying to be strong I had neglected myself a little bit. Jade didn't seem to be getting better any time soon and I was already reaching my breaking point.

"Maybe." I sighed confused.

"You can't teach Jade to love herself if _you_ don't love you. Look after yourself Tori." Andre said firmly.

It was then I realised he was right. He was completely right. Maybe if Jade had got help back when she was thirteen and all of this started she wouldn't be where she is today. Jade is so good at looking after others. Her brothers, animals, our friends, but she doesn't look after herself. In fact I don't think she know's how to look after herself.

"Come on, lets have a snuggle." Andre put his arms out wide. I smiled and gave Andre a proper squeeze. He's such a good friend. We ended up spending the rest of the day watching the cheesy chick flicks he brought and eating chocolate ice cream. It was a welcome distraction after the horrible morning I'd had

Jenn texted me this evening and said she'd been in to see Jade and that she was doing ok considering everything. She felt helpless but seemed calm and they had her under 24/7 supervision to ensure she didn't pull another stunt like she'd done at Valewood. I'm going to go to Valewood to see about carers therapy tomorrow. I'm not allowed to see Jade for the next four days but I'm going the moment that rule is lifted. And as for the purging, I'm not going to allow myself to get pulled down by it too. It's a cruel and morbid game. We just need to find a way of pulling Jade out of it.

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**x Review if you like. x**


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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07/18/2012.

So I went to my first therapy session today. It was definitely an eye opening experience. It was only two days ago that I approached Valewood about the carers counselling but the receptionist was so nice about it and said she'd schedule me an appointment with Laura as soon as possible. I get the feeling Valewood have wanted me to attend these sessions for a while.

I was really nervous before I arrived because I really didn't know what to expect and there was still a large part of me that thought I really didn't need to be here but then I remembered Jade and it pushed me forwards.

I'd say the session today was mostly educational. She asked me about myself, my family and my childhood. Then she asked me about Jade which I spent most of the session talking about. Then she did a sort of lesson for me about eating disorders. She seemed to think most of my stresses and worries came from not identifying with Jade on these issues and not understanding her behaviour. Although she warned me she wasn't encouraging the behaviour she thought if I understood it more than I'd feel less helpless.

I even told her about the thing I did the other day. She said it's more common than you'd think for a caregiver to show disorder-like behaviour whilst a person they love is going through a relapse. She questioned me a lot about it. Making sure I didn't have urges or other bulimic tendencies. But after I explained my reasoning for it, she told me it sounded more like an attempt to understand rather than an attempt to control my eating.

Laura also explained to me that although there are many reasons an eating disorder can develop, they are very rarely to do with food. Controlling the diet starts for sufferers as a coping mechanism to deal with stress, emotion and grief. Initially losing weight makes the sufferer feel positive and successful but at this point a little voice in their head will activate and say that they're just not good enough and the negative feelings come back until they lose more weight. Eventually the downward spiral of I must lose more weight to feel happy and never being able to lose enough leads to starvation, purging, and other symptoms.

I told her one of my biggest fears. That sometimes I felt like Jade was slipping out of sanity and had absolutely no perception of why she had to gain weight or why she had to eat. Laura told me that whilst she didn't doubt Jade was in a bad place mentally and emotionally, that Jade wasn't insane and that I had to remember starving makes it very hard for someone to think clearly and that she's probably very afraid of putting on weight. Her behaviour although it may seem completely irrational to us, feels very rational to her.

For only a ninety minute session I feel a lot better. It was a relief being able to talk to someone who understands the situation and above all I realised feeling guilty and trying to control everything helps no one. You can't give someone recovery; there isn't an answer, there's no 'cure'. It has to come from them.

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07/20/2012.

I finally got to see my baby today and even though it was in hospital, it was such a relief to hold her and talk to her again. She was in a private room and Jenn gave me the ward and floor information so once I arrived at the hospital, it didn't take long for me to find her room. I knocked on the door and peeked inside. Jade was lying in bed and she smiled when she realised it was me.

"Hi" Jade said softly.

"Hey how are you doing?" I closed the door behind me and walked over to her. She was alone so at least that meant they thought she was stable enough not to be on 24-hour supervision.

"Fine you?" Jade replied.

"I'm fine.. I've missed you though." I confessed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I've missed you too." Jade whispered. I leant forwards and kissed her lips gently. She was extremely frail but definitely calmer than of late.

"Will you lay with me?" Jade asked once our lips parted.

"Uh huh. Just let me just take off my shoes." I kicked my shoes off before climbing in the bed. I saw Jade grimace slightly when I moved so I stopped and tried to keep still.

"Wheres the tube?" I asked, the thought suddenly occurring to me.

"My left side." Jade replied uncomfortably.

"I'm going to swap sides ok?" I climbed out of bed and went round to her right. She seemed better once I got in next to her and I stroked and kissed her cheek whilst she slinked her arms around my waist.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" I asked cautiously.

"I've talked about it to death." Jade replied.

"Not to me." I pointed out. She sighed and leant her head on my shoulder.

"I've lost it Tor." Jade replied downheartedly.

"No you haven't." I assured her, "You've lost perspective. You've lost your motivation and your determination to beat this."

"I don't know how to get it back." Jade confessed, sounding vulnerable.

"Jade baby. There's so much out there to live for, -to eat for. Hospital, Starvation. This isn't living." Jade exhaled and looked as though she was still struggling to think of a good reason. I felt so bad for her because feeling so down and hopeless must be extremely difficult.

"What do you want to do with your life?" I asked curiously.

"Be with you." Jade replied instantly. I smiled and kissed her lips

"What else?" I stroked her arm "Where do you want to go? What do you want to accomplish?"

"I want to write." Jade replied. I was surprised. I thought it would take a lot longer to get something out of her.

"What do you want to write?" I asked, genuinely curious. I was completely elated with this breakthrough.

"Stories, plays, maybe some songs." Jade smiled looking at me, "Why are you so happy?"

"Why not be?" I shrugged. I wasn't about to admit I was just happy to hear her being positive for the first time in months. "You can write the songs and then I'll sing them on stage and we'll be an unstoppable power couple and everyone will be jealous and want to be us."

"Ha. I like that." Jade smirked. Suddenly her stomach growled loudly and I saw her seethe in pain. I wasn't sure whether it was from the tube or just extreme hunger but I kissed her cheek and placed my hand lightly over where hers had automatically flown to her stomach supportingly.

"Do you want to eat something?" I asked, not holding much hope. I'd asked her this question almost every time I saw her and the answer was always the same.

"Yes." Jade said quietly. It took me a second to register what she'd said but once I realised I sprung into action.

"Yes?" I clarified.

"Yes maybe yes." Jade replied nervously. I kissed her cheek and sat up in bed looking around the room. Sure enough there was a brown paper lunch bag on the side table left untouched. I picked it up and placed the hospital meal onto lap. When I looked back up I realised Jade was in tears.

"Hey don't be upset. You're safe, it's just a little food, it will make you feel better." I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, gently rubbing her back. I pulled away and turned back to the food in front of me. It didn't look like the most appetising lunch to be honest but that didn't matter. She just needed to pick one thing.

"Okay.. Chicken sandwich, yogurt, or a cheese pastry thing?" I gave her three options.

"Umm," Jade sniffed, already seeming overwhelmed. I was terrified to scare her off this, it was the closest she'd got to eating in a very, very long time.

"You know what lets just go for it ok, sandwich." I packed the other food away in the bag and put it on the table out of sight. I opened the plastic packaging on the sandwich and used a little plastic knife to cut it into six smaller slices. Jade seemed extremely anxious and was doing some sort of breathing exercise she'd probably learned in therapy. I offered her one of the slices and nervously she took it.

"Can you eat one?" Jade suddenly asked.

"Yeah if that will help." I replied, willing to do anything if it meant she ate. I picked up one of the triangles and took a bite, glancing at Jade who was just staring at hers.

"What are you thinking?" I asked her.

"I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat." Jade replied still staring at the sandwich and tears spilling from her eyes.

"You are not fat, not even a little bit." I insisted.

"I'm disgusting and I don't deserve it and if I eat I'll show everyone that I'm a failure." Jade spluttered sadly. I was horrified that this is what her head told her when she as much as looked at food.

"No. You'll show us all that you're a fighter and you can talk back to that eating disorder voice and god Jade you deserve to eat more than anyone I know. More than anyone. I promise." I told her firmly. "That voice is wrong Jade. I promise"

Jade picked up the sandwich as placed it against her lips with her eyes closed and it was like I could feel her anxiety about this. It was just a sandwich but for some reason it evoked absolute terror in her.

"Please baby. Please eat." I whispered one last time. In the next couple of seconds Jade bit into the sandwich and began to chew. I stayed quiet watching her nervously. I knew this could go either way. Suddenly her face distorted and she moaned, gagging and spitting the food into her hand. I grabbed a tissue from the side and quickly cleaned it off her hand whilst she coughed.

"Uhh shit!" Jade wailed.

"It's ok." I said softly.

"It's not. I cant even eat if I want to." Jade broke down.

"It's just been a long time. Do you want to try again?" I added hopefully. Jade sniffed shaking her head.

"Don't hate me. I'm just too tired." Jade closed her eyes and leant back against her pillow.

"I'd never hate you." I assured her "You gave it a try and I'm proud of you for that. It's a big step." I put the sandwich into the brown bag, clearing up any remains of it and lay back down just holding Jade. On the surface that might seem like it was completely unsuccessful but it really wasn't. Jade willingly putting food in her mouth is major progress. If we can convince her to do it again she might actually swallow it next time.

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07/21/2012.

I'd been in the studio all day recording songs when Andre showed up out of the blue to surprise me. I ran out of the booth and gave him a huge hug. Since Andre and I had left school we'd both been working in the music industry but hadn't really got a chance to show each other anything we were working on. Andre stayed and listened to some of the tracks I'd been working on for an hour or so and we even added a couple of his vocals to a backing track just for fun.

Around 7pm when I finished we went down to Starbucks to grab a coffee and catch up. I told him all about the therapy session I'd had at Valewood and he told me he was glad I was continuing with them and that he thought I hadn't seemed myself for a while. I told him honestly, I haven't been. Eating disorders suck. Obviously it sucks for Jade the most but everyone close to her is affected too. But I feel like seeing Laura will really help me. And by helping me, I'm helping Jade.

The rest of our time in Starbucks we talked mostly about music, friends, everyones college plans, the album - lighthearted stuff. We even planned a pizza night since we haven't really done much as a group for a while because of everything that's been going on. We also decided that we needed to plan Cat's farewell party soon because she'll be leaving for Florida in a month and we won't see her again until Christmas. I was having a great time catching up with my best friend, that is until my phone rang and once again my world came crashing down.

"Hello." I answered the phone, wondering why exactly Beck's Mom was calling me.

"Tori… I don't know how to tell you this." Jenn sounded anxious.

"What's wrong?" I asked, glancing at Andre who was watching my face curiously. I felt my entire body turn to ice and a stabbing sensation in my gut at the news. I made a sound like a strangled animal, prompting Andre to squeeze my hand tightly.

"Jade's suffered a cardiac arrest."

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**Review for a faster update! x**


	31. Chapter 31

**Thanks for reviewing guys and sorry for the massive cliffhanger. And sorry every things so sad right now. It won't be like this forever. :P**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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07/22/2012.

I'm writing this journal entry from the ICU of the same hospital Jade was admitted to a week ago. It was supposed to be a short stay. A week to fit the tube, observe her and treat her for some nutritional deficiencies. None of us expected her heart to completely give out on her during an assessment and for doctors to have to resuscitate her on the spot.

Jenn had been visiting her yesterday afternoon and she said that Jade was acting unusually tired and complaining that she felt sick. Neither Jenn nor the doctor on shift took her seriously because it was directly before she was due a tube feed and in the past she'd used 'feeling sick' as an excuse to get out of them. After the artificial feed was done, the doctor wanted her to take a walk around the ward. Jade refused, however Jenn insisted she did it since she'd hardly been out of bed all day. She only managed to stay on her feet long enough to make it a couple of feet out of her room before collapsing.

As soon as I got off the phone to Jenn. Andre and I immediately left Starbucks and we drove to the hospital. We were silent the entire journey as we knew how potentially life threatening this was. Jenn couldn't confirm anything on the phone. She only knew that they'd got Jade's heart started again and that she was in intensive care but that the doctors seemed extremely concerned.

When we eventually got to the waiting area for the ICU, I immediately saw Beck who was sat with his father both of them looking extremely worried. I ran over to them and Beck stood up giving me a proper hug. I don't know how I'd held on so long but something about being here and seeing Beck made it real and I burst into tears.

"Her heart stopped." I stammered through my tears.

"I know." Beck gulped, rubbing my back.

"She's dying." I cried harder, not even attempting to slow down my sobs.

"She's not, she's still here Tor." Beck held me tightly, hushing me and calming my tears. When we finally broke apart I wiped my eyes and took a seat next to Andre who wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"How is it that her heart stops but mine won't stop throbbing?" I whimpered. Andre kissed my hair and rubbed my arm sympathetically. I was rigid, unable to relax not knowing how she was. "When will we know more?"

"My wife went in to talk to her doctor about ten minutes ago. I'm sure she'll be back soon." Beck's Dad reassured me. I nodded and closed my eyes just waiting. Why did this happen? How did this happen? Was she even healthy enough to recover from it?

We were waiting another twenty minutes before Jenn showed up. Her face was completely clean of makeup as she'd obviously been crying a lot. Beck's Dad got up and gave Jenn a supportive hug and made sure she was ok. Jenn nodded and came to sit down next to us.

"Oh god where to start." Jenn shook her head upset. I started crying and both Andre and Jenn took hold of my hands comfortingly.

"She's ok. It was touch and go for a while. Her heart stopped twice but they used a defibrillator to get her heart beat regular again so she's stable. They still aren't sure exactly what caused it although she definitely has hypokalaemia and her electrolytes are still imbalanced which points to purging. She's been intubated and is breathing on a ventilator although they are likely going to remove that in the next few hours."

"Is it eating disorder caused then?" Beck confirmed.

"Definitely." Jenn grimaced. "Bulimia induced heart attack was what the doctors were calling it." I buried my head into Andre's chest upset and he hugged me close. Beck walked out of the room and eventually his Dad followed to go check on him. Jenn just kept angrily pressing buttons on her phone.

"I'm trying to get through to her father he's not frigging answering." Jenn explained with disgust.

"Can I see her?" I asked weakly.

"She's not awake sweetie. None of us are allowed in until she comes round from the medication. You might as well go home, get some sleep." Jenn sighed apologetically. I shook my head.

"I'll wait." I replied quietly.

"Tor I really think-" Andre started.

"No Andre!" I whimpered. "I'm not leaving her in ICU, on a ventilator, probably terrified."

"Alright I'll wait with you." Andre cuddled me again. I just sat there numb listening to Jenn leave angry voice messages to James West on her phone. Her husband came back about half an hour later.

"I'm going to take Beck home, he's very upset, blaming himself again." I overheard him whispering to Jenn.

"Alright. I'll call you if there's any more news." Jenn kissed him goodbye.

I felt awful for Beck I really did. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be thirteen years old and have your best friend and first ever girlfriend start starving and puking. Neither of them will have understood it. He'd grown up with her and in a way helped her keep the eating disorder a secret. His guilt was eating him alive. No one blamed themselves more than Beck did. And I felt bad because I knew I'd added to that guilt, essentially blaming him for the whole thing when I first found out.

"You should go too Andre." I made a decision.

"I can stay if you need me." Andre assured me.

"No it's fine." I gave him one last hug. "I think Beck needs you more right now."

Andre nodded. "Tell Jade we love her ok?"

"As soon as I can." I replied trying not to get upset. Andre grabbed his things leaving the waiting room with Beck's Dad.

And this is where I've been ever since. It's 7am of the morning after and we've had very little news about Jade. Every time Jenn has gone up to ask they've said something along the lines of, 'she's currently stable, the arrhythmia in her heart is settling, and we expect her to wake up soon.' 'Soon' having no time frame. I need to see her. I'm losing my mind, terrified she won't wake up from this. The doctors have assured us that although it is taking a little longer than they expected, she will eventually wake up. Why don't I believe them?

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07/25/2012.

Hey journal. Sorry for being so bad at keeping you up to date with all this. It's just been a very difficult couple of days. I'm relieved to say Jade did wake up after the heart attack. And yes it did turn out to be a heart attack that caused the cardiac arrest caused by the strain on her heart caused by years of binging and purging. She's on what feels like a million different drugs all treating different problems. She's barely conscious to be honest. We've hardly held a conversation, the longest being when she very first woke up.

It was almost 12pm and I was half asleep on Jenn's shoulder when one of the doctors looking after Jade approached us.

"Jade's beginning to show response if you'd like to come through and see her." The doctor explained.

"Oh thank god." Jenn replied relieved. Both of us immediately stood up and followed the doctor down the corridor to the intensive care ward. He opened the door and walked us through. It was a very solemn place and everyone in the beds there seemed very sick. Curtains separated patients from each other but the whole thing was very open. I tried not to focus on the other patients as we followed the doctor. I just wanted to see Jade alive.

"Don't be alarmed by the amount of medical equipment. Most of it is precautionary and we'll gradually reduce it but until we confirm she doesn't need it, no hugging, no climbing into the bed, no interfering with the wires." The doctor said sternly.

"Of course." Jenn assured him. He pulled back the curtain that was separating Jade from the bed next to her and I caught my first glimpse of her. Her tiny body was completely covered in medical equipment, tubes, wires. Her face was paler than you would even think was possible, her eyes were closed and a nurse was combing her hair back into a hair tie for her.

"Jade can you hear me?" Jenn said softly, taking a seat next to her bed. Jade nodded her head ever so slightly, obviously still half asleep.

"You gave us a bit of a scare sweetie, but you're alright. We love you so much. Can you open your eyes for me?" Jenn lightly took hold of her hand.

"Mpff." Jade moaned, her eyes remaining firmly closed.

"It's alright we'll wait." Jenn said softly, stroking her palm. "Tori is here too." I just stood there speechless. My hand covering my mouth and tears streaming down my cheeks. I'd tried to prepare myself for seeing her knowing it was bound to be bad. But nothing could have prepared me for this. She looked dead.

"Ow." Jade opened her mouth to wail.

"Where hurts Jade?" Jenn asked her with a sympathetic smile.

"My chest.." Jade stopped to cough, "my throat."

"I think that's just the ventilator hun.. You'll feel a lot better once you drink some water." Jenn reassured her. Jade seemed in a lot of pain just trying to breathe and with every exhale of her chest she scrunched her eyes up a little more and whimpered, tears filling her eyes.

"Scared." Jade croaked.

"Shh, shh don't be scared." Jenn told her firmly. Jade let out a really sad sound and started crying properly. I couldn't stay back anymore not when she was so upset. I stepped over to the other side of the bed and wrapped my fingers around hers.

"Hold my hand." I said gently. I waited until I felt Jades hand squeeze mine back before speaking again. "No more crying. You're safe now."

Jade scrunched her eyes a little and then slowly blinked up at me. I smiled so happy to see those big blue eyes again, even if she was crying.

"I love you. You're safe. Just calm down." I told her gently. Jenn got up to see the doctor about increasing her pain medication leaving me to talk to Jade.

"I love you." Jade gulped. I leant forwards to kiss her on the cheek and she turned her head towards mine whimpering.

"Try not to think about the pain baby." I suggested although I knew it was probably a lot easier for me to say that for her to do. Her chest was rising and falling and she groaned in pain. Luckily in the next few seconds Jenn came back with the doctor who immediately increased her pain medication. She was only with us for another ten minutes after that, the pain killers knocking her out again but having her for those few minutes was enough to relieve us both of a little angst.

* * *

07/27/2012.

Jade's slowly starting to regain her consciousness again. She's been sitting up and talking to me a lot more although she still needs a lot of sleep. Since she's been on the potassium drip her heart and chest pain has significantly improved, but somehow her voice has been damaged. It's all husky like she has a sore throat and the doctors can't really explain it. They do think it will improve in time.

James and Lara finally made it to the hospital to visit Jade this morning. They had apparently been in Hawaii for two weeks which explains why they were so unreachable. Jade didn't seem to care barely speaking to them. I think she feels a bit neglected by them both recently but I'm glad they bothered to show up even if it was just to show off their tans and to give Jade a lokelani lei. Considering she'd just had a heart attack, them handing Jade a flower garland was probably one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. They had no idea how close they came to losing their daughter if they even know her at all. I can't imagine any circumstance in which Jade would willingly wear a lei.

Until today, no one had really spoken to Jade about the heart attack. Not even me or Jenn. The doctors hadn't talked to her either because she hadn't been well enough these past few days to fully understand anything they had to say. But since she was getting better, the doctor decided today was a good time to warn her exactly how close to death she'd come.

"Unfortunately Jade the muscles in your heart have been seriously compromised as a result of your eating disorders. Although we've managed to rebalance the electrolytes in your body, the long term damage caused to your heart could be substantial. We won't know until you're active again."

"What long term damage?" Jade asked nervously.

"Heart dysfunction, systemic ischemia, arrhythmia." The doctor stopped once they saw both mine and Jades alarmed faces. "Unfortunately the heart attack was just a traumatic symptom of the real issue here. Could you be honest with me and tell me when you last made yourself sick?" The doctor asked sternly.

"The morning before the heart attack." Jade sighed miserably. Jenn looked disappointed and upset, the doctor remained neutral just writing that down in his file. After writing for a moment, he turned his attention back to Jade.

"I'm sorry to have to scare you Jade but if you purge again you'll die." The doctor said sternly. I bit my lip at how blunt that was, just closely watching Jade who somehow was managing to keep her face blank. The doctor talked to her for another ten minutes but she was worryingly silent once he left.

"Jade?" I prompted. Jade turned her head away, burying her face in to her pillow.

"Can you two leave me alone?" Jade asked in that broken, husky voice she'd been punished with.

"Sweetheart." Jenn placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Just leave me alone." Jade croaked upset. Jenn stood up gesturing me to follow her out and reluctantly I left the ward. I didn't feel comfortable leaving her on her own after that but Jenn insisted she'd need some time alone to let that sink in. The two of us went for coffee and for a walk and when we returned an hour later Jade was asleep. I hope she's ok. I know that couldn't have been easy to hear because god.. it wasn't easy for me to hear. I just hope the doctors scare tactics work. I believe him when he said she wouldn't make it through another one of these.

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**:S**


	32. Chapter 32

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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07/29/2012.

I went back to see Jade yesterday and she seemed emotionless. In the night her heart had taken a turn for the worse and she thought she was having a heart attack again. It turned out not to be, but the pain frightened her a lot and she was too upset to sleep. I just want to give her a hug but we've been advised not to. I spent most of the day yesterday just stroking her hair and trying to encourage her to give in to her tiredness. She did sleep for a couple of hours but only after I swore I wouldn't leave. I wouldn't have dared even if I wanted to, I stayed with her the entire time just reading.

She's having minor heart surgery today to try and better treat the arrhythmia. Ideally they would have done it the day of the heart attack but they waited until today because of how weak she is. In preparation for the surgery they've been giving her a higher nutrition tube feed which hasn't been easy for Jade. She knows why she needs it but even with things this bad she still gets very upset getting fed.

Her surgery is scheduled for 10.30am and I've been up since 6am worrying about her. It's just a minor surgery but she's just so weak right now. Jenn said she'll keep me up to speed with when she gets out and when she wakes up but I know I'm going to be thinking about it constantly until she's out. Luckily Beck seemed to be needing a distraction as well as he texted me.

_Hey Tor, how are you? I'm babysitting Sam and Charlie today. Do you feel like coming to the park with us?_

I've been better but I'm ok. How are you? That sounds nice :) What time?

_Same really. I was thinking about 11am?_

Sounds great. See you later :)

I met Beck at the park with the twins who were hyper as usual. They ran over to me and both gave me hi-fives. They're very small for their age and act younger than eight years old to be honest. It's probably to do with being born so premature and whilst their mother was basically dying. Even still, just seeing their smiley happy faces immediately put me in a better mood.

"How are you guys? I haven't seen you in forever and ever!" I smiled.

"Yeah we've been busy." Sam nodded enthusiastically. I bit my lip trying not to laugh

"You've been busy huh?" I ruffled his hair.

"I'm almost grade one on guitar now aren't I Beck?" Sam bounced up and down happily.

"You sure are." Beck replied.

"I am too!" Charlie patted me on the arm quickly.

"Well I'm very impressed." I told them both "You'll have to do me a concert soon."

The twins agreed they would definitely do me a concert before their restlessness took over and Beck let them run to the play area. Beck and I walked together following the twins into the playground where we found them playing on the swings. Beck ran over to give Charlie a push as he was struggling to get going and then came and sat next to me on a bench nearby.

"Have you heard anything from my Mom yet?" Beck asked me.

"No not yet. You?" I asked him back. Beck shook his head looking glum. I decided now was a good time to talk to him about this. "Beck are you ok? I've never seen you like this before."

"It's kind of hard to be ok when you're the reason your oldest friend is having heart attacks at seventeen." Beck mumbled.

"You have to stop beating yourself up about this. It's not your fault."

"I just keep thinking if I'd told her that that diet was stupid when she was eleven or got my Mom involved when I first walked in on her making herself sick, none of this would have happened." Beck explained just watching Sam and Charlie.

"We all could have done things differently." I shook my head. "That doesn't make it anyone's fault." Beck shrugged and I could tell nothing was going to change his mind on this. I just hoped when Jade was well enough she could tell him herself it wasn't his fault. She didn't blame him for it so neither should he.

"What happened with you and Megan?" I asked him cuiously.

"Ahh she dumped me." Beck replied smiling dryly. "She said I didn't give her enough attention and that I spent too much time visiting J and looking after these two. I told her that they were my family and they came first and she dumped me."

"That's.. horrible." I said appalled. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah I don't know if she was just jealous or thought I had feelings for Jade or something, which I don't by the way just in case you were worried. But whatever I'm glad she dumped me if that's her attitude to helping out your family."

"I wasn't worried. You deserve someone nicer than that." I assured him. Beck nodded just as both our phones simultaneously vibrated. It was Jenn letting us know that Jade was out of surgery and that the operation went well. We both looked at each other and breathed a sigh of relief just as Sam and Charlie ran over.

"Tori come play on the adventure trail!" Sam pulled me by the arm.

"Yeah come play!" Charlie tried to push Beck out of his seat. We both gave in and ran to play with them on the adventure trail. We turned into actual children, joining in with some game that the twins invented called 'base.' We played until lunch and then walked down the road back to Beck's car for him to take them back. We were only a couple of feet away from the car when Sam said something I really hoped he wouldn't.

"Why did Jade have to go away? I bet she would love playing base with us." Charlie asked Beck curiously. Sam grabbed Charlie by the wrist pulling him away.

"No she wouldn't stupid she doesn't like us anymore." Sam hissed. Charlie looked down at his feet upset. I suddenly realised their Dad probably never explained to them where she went and they assumed she'd left them alone because she wanted to. Beck must have clicked on too because he bent down to talk to them.

"Hey, none of that. Of course Jade likes you." Beck rubbed Charlie's arm sympathetically. "She just had to go away for a while."

"Why?" Charlie asked sadly.

"Because.. she.. she couldn't.." Beck struggled to explain the situation in a way they twins would understand. I decided to give them some credit. They deserved to know, even if it was a very sugarcoated version of the story.

"Your sister has a disease in her brain called anorexia which has made her very sick. She had to go stay in hospital for a while. It's not her fault, but she needs lots of help to get better. She will come back as soon as she feels better again." I told them honestly.

"She has a disease?" Sam asked sounding scared.

"She does." I replied gently, "But you know what? You could make her feel so, so, soooo much better if you made her some get well soon cards."

Charlie was hugging Beck but Sam still looked sad. I put my arms out to him and let him snuggle up to me. I felt so sorry for them that no one had told them until now. Beck helped Charlie into the car before lifting Sam out of my arms.

"How about we go get froyo's and then we can go back home to make your sister some cards." Beck wiped Sam's eyes. Sam nodded and scrambled out of Beck's arms into the car.

"Can I get chocolate?" I heard him ask Beck enthusiastically. I exhaled, relieved I hadn't upset the eight year old too much.

"He'll be fine." Beck assured me, giving me a hug. "See you soon?"

"Tomorrow at the hospital." I agreed.

I came home and went about my day as usual. Practised a few songs, helped my Mom with dinner and finally at 5pm I got a text from Jenn telling me Jade was completely awake and although she was in a lot of pain her pulse rate was a stronger and she was already breathing easier which are good signs. She warned me though that Jade still seemed very distrait and wasn't really talking much. I'm kind of worried. I know the doctor had to say what he said about purging and dying but I'm scared that was too hard for her to hear. I'll be able to see her tomorrow. Hopefully she'll talk to me then.

* * *

07/30/2012.

I arrived at the hospital just as Beck and Jenn were leaving. We talked for a couple of minutes and Jenn shook her head, saying there was no improvement on the talking front. Her voice was still extremely horse so she said it might be something to do with that but somehow I didn't think so. I entered the ICU and quickly made my way over to Jade. She was looking at the cards obviously handmade by Sam and Charlie with tears in her eyes. I frowned putting my stuff down and sitting down in the chair next to her

"Are you ok?" I asked softly. Jade put the card down and her face contorted as she just started crying. I sat up closer and took hold of her hand, lying my head next to hers as it still wasn't safe to hug her yet and this was the best I could do.

"It's alright. I've got you baby. Shhh." I kissed her cheek and rubbed her arm gently.

"Just let me die." Jade wailed loudly.

"No, no don't say that." I widened my eyes horrified at what she was saying.

"But.. I.. just.. can't.. do.. this.. Anymore." Jade sobbed, crying floods and floods of tears. Her heart rate monitor was going crazy and I knew she needed to relax otherwise she'd put herself at risk again.

"Shhh please calm down." I whispered, "For me please." We didn't talk again until her heart rate returned to normal. She was still crying but not as audibly. Soft tears glistened down her cheeks from her eyes which just looked empty and broken. It hurt me to hear her saying stuff like this but after everything she'd been through, it somehow didn't surprise me.

"Okay. You cant do this anymore. You cant live like this anymore.. But you haven't tried recovery in a long time." I said softly.

"I can't do it." Jade shook her head.

"Jade you can. You really, really can." I insisted.

"I've lost everything Tori. I'm having heart attacks.. My hairs falling out.. My voice sounds like this! What is the point?" Jade wailed sounding increasingly more angry.

"All those things will get better if you just stop purging." I reminded her.

"I'm trying!" Jade yelled exasperated before breaking down again. I squeezed her hand firmly.

"I know you're trying." I assured her.

"I just don't care what happens to me anymore." Jade sighed, "At least I'll be with Mom."

"I care Jade!" I yelled back "I care. How do you think I'd cope if you left me huh? How do you think I'd make it through every day knowing I'd let you starve and purge yourself to death?" I don't know why but hearing her give up like that made something inside me snap. I wanted her to fight again. I needed her to fight again.

"You'd be better off without me." Jade wailed.

"NO Jade! No I would not." I snapped

"But I cant do it! I tried before and I relapsed and nothing is working!" Jade seemed to have hit breaking point. "I just cant make my mind think like that!"

"Do you want us to get strict? Do you want us to take away your choice? Forcefeed you? Put an alarm in the bathroom? 24-hour care? Because if that's what it's going to take Jade then we can get you that." I insisted firmly. There were the last resort choices they did at Valewood when things got really, really bad. Jade didn't reply just continuing to cry like it was the only thing she could do. "Baby please.. I'll do anything." I kissed her gently.

"I want my Mom." Jade whimpered, breaking my heart a little bit more.

"You know your Mom wouldn't want you to die before your even twenty. Your Mom would want you to live a full and happy life." I said wiping her eyes with a tissue.

"But I don't. I live a miserable, pointless life and it's my own fault!" Jade sniffed. I shook my head straight away,

"It's not your fault. If someone else had a heart attack would you turn around and say it's their fault and they deserve to die?"

"No but-"

"No, exactly. So don't do it to yourself." I lay my head back down on the pillow next to Jades both us slightly exhausted after all the yelling and arguing. I felt Jade resting her head on mine and her warm tears wetting my hair. I didn't say anything. I had no idea what to say. I had no idea how to help her out of this.

"Tori.. If I don't make it through this—" Jade croaked.

"Don't talk like that." I said angrily.

"If I die.. just please promise me you'll still visit Sam and Charlie like you did yesterday. They deserve a big sister and they see you as a big sister." Jade whispered upset.

"That won't need to happen Jade. They already have a big sister." I replied absolutely furious that she had started talking like this. So final. So sure she was done.

"Please." Jade asked vulnerably. I didn't know what else to do so I just nodded.

"And you have to fall in love with someone else. Because you deserve somebody who'll take care of you and adore you and will love you better than I could." Jade croaked. That was too much for me. I felt sick and my blood boiled with a mixture or anger and overwhelming sadness.

"Damn it Jade will you stop talking like you're already dead! Just stop please! I cant cope with you saying that please!" I broke down on her shoulder. Before I knew it I was the one sobbing and she was the one comforting me, not the other way round. Jade wrapped her arm around my back and I felt her stroking my hair and kissing me.

"I'm sorry Tori, I'm so, so sorry." Jade replied. I wondered why she was apologising. For giving up? For making me cry? For the whole eating disorder? She didn't make it clear but she spent the next five minutes just apologising over and over and over.

"You're not dead Jade." I sniffed. Jade didn't reply.

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**..**


	33. Chapter 33

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/10/2021.

Jade sort of walked in on me crying last night. She had gone for a walk and whilst she was gone I continued reading my journal. I should have known by the point I was up to in the story that it was a bad idea to read it. I'd got to the point in our lives where Jade was basically suicidal. Begging us to let her die.

Whenever I was with her I tried to remind myself that this was the eating disorder talking. I was only eighteen years old but I already knew exactly what the goal of her eating disorders were. To kill her. I don't doubt that a part of her really was ready to go during that horrible summer, but a lot of the things she was saying came directly from a part of her that wasn't really her.

We know this because of conversations we've had with Jade now. Now she's better. She barely remembers saying half the things that that frail person confined to a hospital bed said. She says it's like she left her body for a while and she can only view it from a third person perspective. She remembers pain and sadness but very little about it. We think her mind must have put up some sort of block to protect her from the horrors of how she really felt. I kind of wish my brain had put up the same blocks because even just reading my journal from those critical few months can prompt a full scale movie in my head.

I was crying quite badly when Jade got back from her walk. She entered the living room, put down her bag and immediately walked over to me concerned. She sat down next to me on the couch and pulled me into a hug.

"Baby what's wrong?" She kissed my forehead, holding me tight. I wrapped my arms around her waist, hugging her and letting her kiss me better. It did help but still whenever I hug Jade, there's always a part of me that remembers how she once felt. You know that feeling when you hug a small child and you have to hold back because if you hug them too tight you'll hurt them? Like that but x a hundred.

"It's nothing, I'm being sensitive." I sniffed rubbing my eyes. Jade frowned and helped me wipe away my tears.

"Do you want to talk to me about it?" Jade asked softly. I shook my head. We've had this conversation many times before. It wouldn't do any good to repeat it now, not whilst we're on our honeymoon. She didn't mean to but she hurt me that year. I would get upset thinking about it. She would feel guilty about it. I'd get more upset for making her feel guilty about an illness that wasn't her fault. We'd end up a hot mess of tears and it didn't do any good to dwell on it.

"Jade." I sniffed, resting my head on her shoulder, "I love you okay?"

"I love you too." Jade turned her head to kiss my lips. I could sense she was still concerned about me for crying like that. Jade has a bit of sixth sense when it comes to me and what I'm thinking about and my journal was lying on the coffee table so she probably had some idea why I was crying. But we respect each others privacy. If we don't want to talk about stuff, we don't push it. Instead Jade just did her best to cheer me up. She poured us both a glass of wine and made me sit between her legs whilst she massaged my shoulders and neck.

We spent the rest of the evening laughing and talking about happy memories in our lives. We have some shadows in our story but if you steer away from the shadows, you're left with the light. Jade can get very sick sometimes and we both know that the threat of the dark times reappearing will stay with us for the rest of our lives. But she is also the sunlight. She makes my life beautiful and happy and fulfilled. I'd never trade her shadows if it meant I lost her light. Everybody has a couple of things they need extra help getting through. It's just that Jade's are a little more serious and if she relapses, she needs a lot more support pulling her back.

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06/11/2021.

Today was one of my favourite days of our honeymoon so far. We didn't have any plans.. as seems to be the theme of our entire honeymoon. We got up when we felt like it, showered and ate breakfast on the balcony. Jade was practically inhaling her coffee which I found funny. She told me I didn't appreciate coffee enough and I told her she definitely appreciated it enough for the both of us. I don't know whether Jade was still wondering about why I'd cried last night but she didn't mention it if she was. She was maybe just a tiny bit nicer to me than usual.

We decided to have a beach day since we actually haven't spent much time there at all and considering we have a private beach it seemed like a waste to not at least spend a day there. We changed into our beach clothes and Jade packed us a picnic. I spent about fifteen minutes rubbing factor 50 suncream all over Jade because she has the ability to burn if she's out of the shade for longer than five minutes and then she did me, even though my sunburn tolerance is a lot higher.

We found a part of the beach slightly sheltered by some palm trees and we dragged over our loungers and lay back with a book each and some music. It was so relaxing and we were happy just doing her own thing. Jade got out her notebook after a while and started scribbling evidently suddenly finding inspiration. I smiled and just watched her write for a while before she looked up and caught my eye. Jade smirked and pushed her notebook aside. I giggled as she crawled on top of me kissing all the way up to my lips. I placed my hands on her butt pushing her closer to me whilst she teased my lips with her tongue. She pulled off her cami, then leant down pressing our breasts together and I felt her suck at my neck. I was beginning to feel extremely turned on.

"Hey." Jade pulled off me abruptly.

"Noo don't stop." I groaned disappointed. Jade laughed and kissed my pout.

"Do you want to go for a swim?" Jade asked playfully. The corner of my lip perked upwards.

"Sure." I agreed. Jade climbed off me and shimmied out of her denim shorts whilst I pulled my dress over my head. Honestly it's only been about a year that Jade's allowed herself to wear a bikini and she would never do it in front of anyone but me. She even glanced around anxiously whilst she waited for me to stand up even though we're on private land. I squeezed her hand supportively and the two of us raced to the ocean.

The water was cool but refreshing and we splashed and swam for a while before making swimming back to the shore. We were hip deep in the ocean when we stopped and just stared at each other a while. I smiled and Jade smiled subtly pressing her body closer and closer to mine. I knew what she was doing. Hiding herself from my sight and possibly from herself. You see.. Jade has scars and quite visible ones. A small line on the left side of her torso where the gastric tube had been fitted, a line just below her cleavage from the heart surgery and another line from the broken rib she attained about two years ago. She fell and it broke just like that.

She finds them repulsive, to use her own words. They're constant ugly reminders of her illness that she can never escape from. She's talked about getting a tattoo over the tube scar for a while but she never does. Personally I don't think she should. I think she'll always know that it's there no matter what she covers it up with.

"Jade.. baby it's just me." I lightly kissed her hair.

"I know." Jade nodded although I could see her looking around still. I pulled back slightly and put my hands on her waist.

"No one's here." I assured her again. She relaxed after this and we just started making out again. I smiled into the kiss and we fell back into the water, wrapping our legs around each others. We stayed in the water until we got cold and then made our way back to out loungers hand in hand.

We stayed on the beach for the rest of the day alternating between relaxing, kissing, chatting, and playing little talking games with each other. We went back to the villa about 9pm and we cuddled in bed. Okay maybe we did a bit more than cuddling but it was really nice. It was a day for just enjoying each others company and making memories. We only have four more days left in Puerto Rico before we fly back home ready to start our lives as a married couple. So far the start of this new chapter of our lives has been filled with love, happiness and contentment and I have a feeling it's only going to get better.

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**:)**


	34. Chapter 34

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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08/09/2012.

Until today, Jade's mental state has been at it's worst it's ever been. Jenn spoke with the doctor about the talks of death and how suicidal she was becoming. We were all terrified for her and frightened if she was left alone she'd do something to hurt herself. Not that she had much opportunity to since she's bedridden but she was extremely down. They arranged her a lot of appointments with therapists and psychiatrists and she's been put on something although she hasn't told either Jenn or me what. We respected her privacy about it.

But what are you supposed to do when someone is like that? I've been talking to Laura about it and she's been giving me a lot of support and advice with what to say. She's suggested that when Jade starts talking about giving up to give her three reasons why she shouldn't. I thought that sounded difficult but it turns out it's really not. I remind her about college, the twins, our friends, travelling the world, my new album, her writing career, the scissoring 2, going to Florida to visit Cat and countless other things. Honestly I just say whatever I can think of on the spot. I do think it's working. She usually goes quiet after I say stuff like that and I can tell she's thinking about it. But a couple of days ago after she'd been in a terrible mood and had been crying, I went and said something slightly mad.

_"Nope I'm sorry Jade you have to get better because you still have to have sex with me."_

Jade looked at me with possibly the most conflicted look ever. Her expression was kind of a combination of horror, humour, devastation, exasperation, disbelief, desire and so many other things. I couldn't believe I'd said it to be honest. It just slipped out but I think the shock of it stunned both of us. She stopped crying after that, obviously she couldn't argue against that one.

When I came into the ICU today I was pleasantly surprised to find Jade being taken off a lot of the medical equipment as the doctors didn't think it was necessary anymore. The physical therapist was sat with her helping her do some sort of stretches with her feet. She's started gaining a little weight back but none of it's muscle since she's been confined to a hospital bed for a month and they want to start rebuilding it.

"It will feel like your heart is racing at first," The doctor warned her, "but we're keeping your heart rate monitored so you don't need to worry about it." Jade nodded looking nervous and whilst the doctor and the physical therapist were talking I came over to the bed and pecked Jade on the cheek.

"What's going on?" I asked her curiously.

"They're making me go for a walk." Jade said nervously, "I don't think I can."

"I'm sure if they want you to do it then you can." I rubbed her arm gently. It was so strange seeing Jade off of all the wires. She still had a couple but it was drastically less than she'd had for the whole of July.

"Will you help me?" Jade asked still seeming scared.

"If I'm allowed to." I assured her, standing back as the physical therapist approached the bed. She introduced herself to me, her name was Ruby and she explained exactly what she wanted to do. Jade just had to stand, walk ten feet to the empty bed opposite, maybe take a break and then walk back. The doctor would be monitoring her heart closely and they were going to do this daily and gradually increase the distance to rebuild her strength and get her walking properly again.

It took a long time actually just getting Jade balanced enough to sit on the edge of the bed. I was at her right side and Ruby was on the left and Jade was clutching to both our shoulders having very little muscle to support even her tiny weight. Ruby told me to go round the front and allowed Jade to hold onto me. I don't think Ruby realised this was the most contact we'd had in weeks, since we hadn't even been allowed to hug each other before today so we were kind of staring sat each other.

When Ruby told her she was going to stand now, Jade started inhaling deeply and seemed even more nervous. I pecked her on the nose and she smiled raising an eyebrow at me.

"It's not going to be comfortable but on the count of three I'm going to push you up. Tori are you okay just not letting go no matter what?" Ruby informed us

"I won't let go." I assured Jade more than I did Ruby. I wrapped my arms around Jade's back and Ruby told Jade to stand on three. She slowly bent her legs and began to straighten but her arms flew around my neck. The sound of pure agony that came from Jade's mouth as Ruby pushed her in to a standing position was slightly terrifying. Her legs were trembling and her face was screwed up as she leant her whole body against mine

"Am I up?" Jade seethed.

"You're up." Ruby assured her. Crouching down to straighten her legs slightly. I couldn't really do much, terrified to move my hands in case that was what was keeping her up. Ruby stood up and helped her get her posture straight and pried her hands from around my neck and onto my forearms. I still had my hands around her waist and supporting her back. The doctor made us stand like that for a while whilst he monitored Jade's heart.

"You're doing really well." I assured her.

"I can't feel my feet." Jade said nervously.

"In that case you're doing really, really well." I told her honestly. Jade exhaled and I felt her rearrange her grip on my arms. Somehow her just being out of the bed and onto her feet, even if it was with a lot of support from me felt like progress. If she could walk again, everything seemed a lot less hopeless.

"Is is bad I just want to kiss you right now?" Jade said surprising me with her lightheartedness. I smiled and blushed slightly hoping Ruby and the doctor hadn't heard that.

"I wouldn't complain." I whispered, just as the doctor came to listen to her heart. It was silent whilst the doctor listened. Luckily he confirmed to the physical therapist it was safe to continue. Ruby told me to let go of Jade's waist which I did extremely carefully. The only thing other than Jade's own feet holding her weight now was her hands on my arms.

"Ok we're slowly going to let go of Tori." Ruby informed Jade.

"Are you sure?" Jade asked sounding nervous again.

"Definitely. You're more than strong enough for this Jade." Ruby encouraged her. I smiled feeling her let go of my arms. She was glued to the spot but she was standing on her own. Her legs were shaking but that was understandable from how thin they were. The only way to build that strength back up was by walking again. Ruby helped her to take strained footsteps across the ward whilst I walked slowly by her side just in case she needed me, but she didn't. She made it all the way across the room and back. Ruby helped her back into bed and told her she'd be back tomorrow.

"How are you feeling?" I asked interested.

"Sore." Jade sighed. "Babe I'll talk to you but oh my god, I have no wires please, please can we just hug already?" I grinned sitting down on the edge of the bed next to Jade and wrapped my arms around her as she did the same snuggling against me. We both exhaled in relief, having needed this for so long.

"Your hair smells nice. It's like.. insanely soft." Jade told me randomly.

"It's coconut oil" I told her, slightly in disbelief how positive she'd suddenly become.

"You'll have to get me some of that, maybe it will rescue this straggled mess." Jade picked up a piece of her own brittle hair.

"It looks a lot better." I assured her

"Do you think?" Jade asked vulnerably.

"Yeah definitely." I twisted a piece of her hair between my fingers before tucking it behind her ear. There was some shine back in it. To be honest a lot of it had fallen out and the ends were a mess but it was certainly improving. I caught her eye and we started hugging each other again.

Her body had completely changed. I had to relearn where hurt, where not to touch, where she liked being touched, how tight I could hug her and how long for. But it was worth it to be able to hold her again. We kissed a lot too. It was like we'd lit a spark back in our relationship and all those desires we'd been repressing for a long time whilst she'd been so critical came flooding back.

I didn't want to leave tonight but hugging her goodbye felt like a blessing. I'll never forget how crap it felt not to be able to hug someone you love whilst they're hurting. I hope I'm never forced to not hug Jade ever again.

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08/20/2012.

Jade was moved out of intensive care today. She's back in a private room which she is more than grateful for. She hasn't said anything about wanting to die in almost two weeks. I'm hoping she's got past it or at least is working on it with the therapists or maybe its the medication she's been put on. I wasn't there when she moved rooms but Jenn told me she was in a wheelchair for most of it but walked the last bit and she actually asked to walk. Her speed is increasing as her muscle mass is increasing. Anything she does to build muscle at this point is a good thing.

Anyway I went to visit Jade in the private room and she was wearing her own clothes. I asked her about it and she just smirked and said she could be very persuasive when she wanted to. I get the feeling normalcy is what she wants. Or is at least what's driving her through this. The more control she gets back over her life, the better she seems to do mentally. I kissed her and sat down on the bed next to her. I didn't expect her to talk about how suicidal she got so it shocked me a bit when she did.

"I'm sorry about all that shitty stuff I said. I'm sorry I put you through.. that." Jade said nervously. I felt nervous myself. I really didn't want to say something wrong and push her back in that direction.

"What even was that Jade?" I sighed looking at her face as she seemed to be thinking carefully.

"I was sad." Jade said quietly.

"I know you were. You were extremely sad." I replied seriously. Jade shrugged like she didn't really have an explanation.

"I thought everyday was my last day and the sooner it happened then the less it would hurt." Jade confessed sadly.

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" I asked gently. Jade nodded.

"I talked the psychiatrist. They said something about low serotonin and depression." Jade shrugged looking glum.

"Jade you can get help for that." I kissed her cheek softly.

"Help, help, help how much help do I need? I just want to be normal." Jade sighed looking at me.

"Normal is boring." I grinned.

"Normal is easy." Jade insisted.

"Easy is boring." I shrugged.

"You're so cheesy." Jade shook her head but smirked back anyway. I laughed and lay my head next to hers. We were quiet for a minute before glancing back at each other and kissing again.

"Are you sad right now?" I asked when we broke apart. Jade looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Can I tell you the truth?" She asked quietly. I nodded.

"I'm just sad all the time." Jade looked down at her hands. "Even now.. I feel better but I could still just cry and I wonder if I did whether I'd even be able to stop."

"Well that's not good." I told her upset.

"I'm sorry, I'm trying to be happy." Jade explained weakly, tears pricking at her eyes. "It's just really hard sometimes."

"What sorts of things make you happy? What do you like to do? What would you do to make yourself happy on a rainy day when you were a kid?" I asked mainly trying to quickly reverse the tears, but I was also genuinely interested. Jade thought about it for a minute.

"I like baking." Jade suggested.

"We could do that. We could bake cakes with Sam and Charlie." I smiled. Jade snuggled up to me whilst I told her about the amazing recipe for peppermint cupcakes I have and she told me she has a recipe book at home that used to belong to her Mom and she loves it. I guess it's slightly ironic that she likes baking considering she hates eating but if it makes her happy then I wasn't going to question it. "What else makes you happy?"

"I love bunnies. I had a bunny called snappy when I was growing up but I had to give her away when we moved to Beck's." Jade explained.

"When you get out of here, I'll get you a bunny." I said firmly making Jade laugh. I widened my smile delighted I'd got that out of her. I hadn't heard her laugh in months.

"Is this bribery or a reward?" She smirked.

"Bribery is it working?" I winked.

"Maybe a little." Jade confessed laying her head on my shoulder whilst I wrapped my arm around her back.

"But seriously though.. you make a list of things we can do when your out of here, things that will make you happy and we'll do them. All of them." I nodded before modifying my statement, suddenly remembering who I was talking to "As long as it's not dangerous, completely petrifying, or illegal."

"Boo there goes breaking into that creepy house in Northridge where all those kids got murdered."

"Yep there it goes.. bye bye.. never to be suggested again." I said half seriously. Jade laughed again and kissed me. I could tell there was still something bothering her though.

"What's wrong?" I asked taking hold of her hand.

"It feels like a crazy dream. Like all that stuff is just impossible." Jade sighed. "If I can even get to a point where like.. I can do that. It just feels so far away."

"It's definitely possible baby." I assured her. "You'll get there."

"Maybe." Jade mumbled downheartedly. It was obvious she still didn't believe she could beat this, even though she wanted to now. It seemed impossible to her. That's when I came up with an idea. I picked up my bag and found a notebook that was supposed to be used for songwriting but never really took off. I ripped out the couple of pages that I'd scribbled in and wrote on the first page.

_Tori loves Jade._

"Are you thirteen?" Jade giggled reading what I'd wrote. I drew a line under it and in big bold letters I started writing again. This time I wrote..

_The Plan._

"Pen." I handed Jade the pen I'd been using to write with and pushed the notebook onto her knee. Jade looked extremely confused.

"We're going to make a plan. You follow these steps, you'll be out, you'll be recovered." I explained the idea simply. "You write them down and then cross the steps off when you achieve them."

"Ok." Jade replied, still sounding slightly skeptical. She took the lid of the pen and looked to me to start.

"Well first things first.. Lets get out of hospital and back into Valewood." Jade wrote it down on the first line underneath my writing.

"Number two.. You need to participate in the therapy and counselling. Including group therapy, art therapy and all the other ones you think are stupid. They'll all help." Jade sighed realising where this plan was going but wrote it down nonetheless.

"Number three.. Start eating. Even if its just something small like a strawberry or a bite of toast. You need a starting point. And the sooner you do that the better." I let her write it down.

"Four, and this ones important ok?" I made sure she was listening to me and looking at me before I spoke. "Don't purge Jade. If you feel like you want to make yourself sick then call someone. Talk to me, talk to Jenn, talk to Beck. But purging has got too dangerous. It always was dangerous but cardiac arrest is a new level Jade."

"I know." Jade said solemnly. "I really, really don't want another heart attack."

"None of us want that." I assured her. "Five, once you're eating properly again, get this tube out."

Jade smiled writing that one down happily. "No tube."

"We know how much you hate it but until you achieve the steps before that, number five isn't going to happen." I warned her. "Six, leave inpatient. Start having fun again. Start living again"

"Thats it?" Jade confirmed.

"Thats it." I nodded. Jade put the pen down and the two of us read over the six steps we'd decided on. On the face of it, it seemed simple. But in reality we both knew it wouldn't be. Writing something down was one thing, doing it was completely another.

"It wont be easy. But it's not impossible. You just need to decide for yourself you really want to do this." I held her hand and squeezed it encouragingly.

"I do really want to do this." Jade nodded positively.

"Then you'll do it." I smiled. Jade smiled back and we kissed each other lovingly. I could feel her heartbeat as she snuggled against me and it was regular and strong. It was one of the most assuringly regular things to hear. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door and Jenn and Beck entered the room carrying to go cups of starbucks. I gave Jade a hand sitting upright again and Jenn and Beck each gave her a big hug. They pulled the chairs from the side closer to the bed.

"I want coffee." Jade announced eyeing the two steaming cups of her absolute most favourite drink.

"Says the girl who had a heart attack a few weeks ago." Beck raised an eyebrow making Jade pout indignantly. Beck and her seemed to have a silent stand off until eventually he gave in.

"Fine you can have mine." Beck handed Jade the cup and she smiled widely. I was slightly concerned since I knew she really shouldn't be having it but Jenn and Beck seemed to be smirking so I kept quiet. Jade took a sip from the starbucks cup and squirmed swallowing it

"What is this?" Jade pulled the lid off the cup, sniffing it confused.

"Decaf." Beck smirked. "I'm trying to be healthy and if you actually think you're getting caffeine from me then you have another thing coming."

"It's not that, it's the milk.. it's just so wrong. It's soy as well. What happened to you? You used to have such good taste." Jade shook her head at him.

"Ah I forgot you like it black." Jenn smirked, offering to take it from her. But Jade held onto the cup possessively.

"Still coffee is coffee." Jade shrugged, sipping the decaf starbucks again. I smiled resting my head on her shoulder and watched her do a tiny calculation to work out the calories in the milk. A few months ago that would have worried me but today it was a step forwards. She was willing to drink it if she knew what was in it and that was huge. It wasn't quite food but it was very, very close.

Jade might be at the bottom of a mountain right now and maybe she isn't truly happy yet. But at least she seems to be going in the right direction. She's willing to try to fight this again and climb up that mountain even though it's steeper than ever before. And I have my girlfriend back. The sarcastic, coffee loving, slightly demented but very loving Jade West. Let's just hope we can keep her that way.

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**Review if you want to :)**


	35. Chapter 35

**Shortish kind of filler chapter but I'll post another in a couple of hours :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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08/27/2012.

Jade's been getting stronger this week. She's still not eating but the doctors aren't really pushing her about that because she's gaining weight on the gastric tube and they'd rather she stayed on track with the physical therapy. And I guess the therapists have been more concerned about her more immediate issues like the depression.

Obviously she has good and bad days. She fell on Thursday which was slightly terrifying but luckily nothing broke, it just put her in a bad mood. She has a condition called Osteopenia which basically means her bones never grew to their full density so they're thinner and much easier to break. The doctor's aren't really hopeful it will ever be completely reversed but it will definitely improve if she gains weight. If she doesn't then well.. it could lead to Osteoporosis and become life threatening. Just one more thing to add to the list.

I went to visit her this morning and sat with her through a tube feed and she didn't cry. You might be thinking, so what? But this is huge. It shows that she's getting to a place where the thought of gaining weight doesn't completely frighten her. Something that will definitely help when she starts eating again. Afterwards we went for a walk outside. I took a wheelchair with me and she got mad but in the end she did struggle on the way back. Eventually she stopped walking defeated and didn't object when I told her to sit down.

Before all this, never in a million years did I realise eating disorders could do this to a person. Never in a million years did I think I'd be pushing my girlfriend around in a wheelchair because walking for fifteen minutes exhausted her. I remember reading about eating disorders on the internet and I thought eating disorders just meant you got too skinny. But the number of health problems anorexia and bulimia have caused Jade prove thats just not true. They are so much more than a dangerous diet.

When we got back to the room Jade asked if she could do my hair. I let her and she literally spent an hour just brushing, plaiting, and running her hands through my hair. I know she's upset about her own. It's hard to tell how much hair she's lost because she always wears it in a pony these days. But the lengths are dyed black and her roots are coming through light brown, almost blonde in colour. It's wispy thin and brittle, completely depleted of any nutrients.

Anyway, after I visited Jade I went for a meeting with my manager and he's sending me to Stockholm for two weeks. I'm a bit apprehensive about leaving for so long and leaving Jade but I've already put a lot of things on hold because of the heart attack so I really do have to go. I've never been to Europe before so it will be a really exciting opportunity for me. I'll be meeting some really important people, doing lots of recording and even performing a couple of gigs. I know it will be good for me, I just have to talk to Jade.

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09/01/2012.

So I talked to Jade about Stockholm and she said go. She wouldn't even discuss it with me to be honest saying she feels bad enough that the albums behind schedule anyway. I told her it wasn't because of her and she raised an eyebrow. Okay it is because of her but I don't care, she's more important than an album. Still she told me she'll be fine for two weeks, which means I'm going to Stockholm in two days! Eeeeep.

In other news, Jade moved back to Valewood today. It was a bit awkward because even though Jenn was there she wasn't allowed to take her. Someone from Valewood came and had to sign her out and everything. I completely forgot she was still under section but yeah that basically meant Jenn and I got to spend lunch together whilst she got moved in and had a reassessment. I actually really enjoyed lunch today. Jenn is weirdly like Beck. They don't look very similar but their personalities are uncannily alike. They have this very logical and calm outlook on life but will get aggressive if you push their buttons or hurt someone they love. I think it's a good way to be.

I waited in the reception whilst Jenn went in to talk to one of the head psychiatrists for a conversation about the treatment plan they were putting Jade on now. Her physical health probably means she won't be in full-time treatment just yet but hopefully it won't be long. In my opinion, whilst she's still in this positive mindset, the sooner and harder we attack the eating disorder the better.

Jenn came out and smiled signalling me to follow her. Dr. Taye was with her which meant she was still in section K but I kind of figured that already. Everyone admitted to section K either had a feeding tube or was incredibly thin. Jenn explained to me on the way that although she was going back to section K that was mainly because of the gastric tube and her reluctance to eat. But even Valewood agreed she seems to be in a better place emotionally so hopefully she'll move down to section E very soon.

We knocked and went in just as Jade was getting some blood samples taken. I honestly do empathise with her for getting fed up sometimes. She is constantly being monitored, weighed, poked, injected, medicated and she get's frustrated. She needs it but no one could blame her for feeling a little like a science experiment. I noticed they had locked the bathroom door and there was a sign on it saying it was alarmed and monitored. It was the last resort for bulimic patients who were at fatal risk if they relapsed.

The rest of the visit was casual. We talked for a while about Stockholm and she made me promise to bring her something back. I said I would if she stuck to the plan and she said she would try to stick to the plan. I didn't end up staying for long because she fell asleep, tired after all the moving around and assessments but it was nice to see her out of hospital.

* * *

09/11/2012.

So I'm in Sweden and I'm having an _amazing_ time. Seriously Stockholm is such an awesome city. I've been working really hard on the album with some big people in the industry and then going to some crazy parties! It's so weird going out without any of my friends or anyone from school. Everyone seems so much older than me and more experienced but at least I made one friend. He's called Erik and he's gay. He immediately decided he liked me when he found out I have a girlfriend.. I didn't know whether to be insulted or offended to be honest but turns out he's a lovely guy. He's completely crazy, speaks about seven different languages, and talks all the time! He introduced me to loads of people and has been so sweet showing me around Stockholm.

I miss Jade. We've skyped twice but the time difference makes it almost impossible since she's only allowed to use the computer under restricted hours at Valewood and theres nearly always other people in the room with her.. kind of awkward to be honest.

She seemed to be doing okay when I talked to her. She's been going to therapy and she's gained enough weight to be moved to section E. She's even started trying to eat, but it's going to be a while before she'll be off the gastric tube. Turns out our bodies are really weird and if you don't use a sense for a while, you lose it. Which unfortunately means after months of artificial feeding, Jade's sense of taste is completely out of whack. Most foods she can't taste at all whereas others taste disgusting. It's not exactly motivating her to eat.

* * *

09/12/2012.

I lied. I don't miss Jade. I _really_ miss Jade.  
Seven days until I see my baby again.

*sigh* I miss her.

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**Not my favourite chapter but review if you liked it x x**


	36. Chapter 36

**Hope you're all having a lovely Saturday :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

09/19/2012.

Just a quick journal update whilst I'm in the airport. I'm on my way home. Not that I didn't love Sweden but I've really missed LA. I've really missed Jade. I'm going to try to sleep on the plane and then hopefully I'll be able to visit Jade this evening because I can't wait any longer.

I bought all my friends and family souvenirs. In fact I went slightly crazy on the souvenir shopping. I got Beck, Robbie and Andre full on viking helmets, Cat an ABBA songbook. and Trina an 'I heart Sweden' t-shirt. Jade was the hardest to buy for. In the end I got her a 'dalahäst' which is basically a cute little wooden horse statue, carved and painted.

I feel like going to Sweden was good for me. Before I left, my head was in a bit of a crazy place with everything that's happened with Jade. Don't get me wrong I don't resent her at all for it but it was nice to go out and live a little and have fun. I am glad I'm going home though.

* * *

09/20/2012.

I did manage to make it to Valewood yesterday despite the jet lag and oh. my. god. Jade is doing unbelievably better. I went into the reception and signed in and they told me to go right though. I knocked on the door and was surprised to see two people sitting on the bed, neither of whom were Jade.. except one _was_ Jade.

"What!?" I gasped when I finally realised who this mystery girl was. Her hair had been cut just above her shoulders and was a light brown/blonde colour. It was wavy and somehow thick and healthy. She'd also gained weight which I wasn't going to mention for obvious reasons and her bones weren't sticking out as much. She was obviously still underweight but she was nowhere near as skeletal as she was when I left. The weight gain made a huge difference to her appearance.

"She hates it. Told you." Jade glared, turning to Cat who was the second person on the bed.

"No, no!" I assured her still completely taken aback by how different she looked. "You're blonde. It looks amazing."

"Told you." Cat smiled smugly, nudging Jade with her shoulder. She was sat behind Jade and had a huge bag full of hair products next to her. It was then I realised it was her who had done Jades hair. I completely forgot that Cat had taken summer classes in hairdressing and this was seriously a really, really nice gesture.

"Yeah well she still looks more shocked than.. what were your exact words again? She will want to run her hands through it and rip my clothes off." Jade grimaced as Cat sprayed some sort of spray on her hair.

"Well I could do that." I smirked, sitting down next to her on bed and leaning in to kiss her. Jade wrapped her hands around my waist and kissed me back hard. Oh god I'd really missed her. I'd really missed her lips.

"Umm guys.. I love you but please don't." Cat interrupted, probably getting very worried we would actually start ripping clothes off. I smiled pulling back and just watched as Cat made the finishing touches to Jades hair. I touched one of the palest blonde sections in Jades hair to find it was actually quite soft and smooth as opposed to the rough, brittle and breakable hair she had before I left.

"Jade have you felt it properly? Cat seriously how did you even do this?" I asked in disbelief. Jade put her hand on the part I was feeling and ran her finger through it.

"Well.." Cat took a deep breath, "First we cut off all the dead hair, then put a keratin treatment on what was left. Then we used a hair dye remover and a highlighting cream, and then sewed in _a lot_ of extensions. And I finished with a deep condition and some nutrient spray. Now I want to brush it but Jadey says it will rip it out."

"It will! I don't know how you got my pathetic excuse for hair through all of that in the first place." Jade insisted. Cat started pulling the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes. Eventually Jade couldn't take it anymore and gave in.

"Fine just don't drag it!" Jade rolled her eyes as the red head clapped happily, grabbing a hair brush from her bag. I watched slightly alarmed as Cat ran a brush through Jades short brown hair and a good handful of hair fell out. Cat didn't seem phased by it and I saw her carefully throwing it into another bag on the floor. I glanced down at the bag, horrified to see a huge bag full of Jade's hair. Before I could get a proper look at it though, Cat hit me on the knee with the brush.

"No looking at that! That's the rule isn't Jadey?" Cat said firmly.

"Apparently." Jade replied dryly. I noticed her glance at the bag and she briefly looked sad and I realised why Cat had said it. She didn't want Jade to see the amount of hair that had either fallen or she's had to cut off. Sometimes Cat can be really naïve but other times she's really smart and I think she's clued in on Jade and since she was here, she probably had quite a good idea how sensitive Jade was about her hair. Cat ran the brush through Jades hair one last time, throwing another chunk of hair away and Jade grimaced looking alarmed. "Please be careful Cat!"

"I am, aaannnnd done!" Cat announced, routing around in her bag for a mirror. She found it and held it up for Jade who stared at herself silently.

"Too doo! Cat sang gleefully. "What do you think?"

"It's different." Jade replied unsurely.

"Well I think you look beautiful." I quickly wrapped my arms around Jade and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled, turning her face to mine.

"Hehe! I'm gonna go now." Cat started gathering her things up and climbing off the bed. She gave me a hug goodbye and then Jade a big hug too.

"Thank you." I heard Jade whisper.

"It's okay. I'll come back and redo the extensions at Christmas." Cat smiled, promising her.

"Have fun in college." Jade said as Cat picked up all her bags. She waved one last time before leaving the room.

"Do you really like it?" Jade immediately questioned me.

"Honestly.." I said taking hold of both her hands and frowning. Jade looked terrified for a second as if I was actually about to crush her. I exhaled chuckling "Jade you look gorgeous. And so healthy, and cute, and sexy."

Jade shook her head and I laughed wrapping my arms around her neck kissing her. She slipped her hands against my torso and for a second I thought maybe she couldn't take my weight against her and I was about to pull back, but then I felt her fingertips wander upwards to the sides of my breasts. I stopped breathing, butterflies filling my tummy and a tingling somewhere a little lower than that. Jade pulled away just in time for me to take a vital breath of air.

"There's still a camera in here." Jade reminded me.

"Good." I exhaled. I'm kind of glad the temptation is removed completely. Although I want to and she seems to want to, there is no way we're taking things even slightly further in our relationship than we already have. Even if she does look a lot better now she still isn't better. We're in a good place.

The rest of the evening was nice even though I was super jet lagged. Jade seemed to pick on that and made me lay down in the bed and wanted to take care of me. It was sweet and kind of strange at the same time because I've always been the one looking after her. Having Jade be the one stroking my arm and whispering sweet things to me was kind of refreshing, even if it did mean I fell asleep and had to be shaken awake at 10pm to go home.

* * *

09/25/2012.

Physically Jades been doing amazing these past few weeks. She's gained enough weight to just push her into the underweight category (as oppose to dangerously underweight.) The big problem at the moment is eating is still a massive struggle for her.

I arrived at Valewood this evening at the time I always did. Jade would usually be there, having finished a tube feed but today she wasn't. I sat in her room for a while waiting for her but ten minutes passed and she didn't show up. I was about to leave and go look for someone but before I could, someone poked their head through the door.

"Tori right?" A tall black guy with small dreads and wearing a blue tshirt asked me.

"Yeah." I replied confused.

"Jade's in the dining room right now, now she's ok but she might need a bit of support. She said you'd be here and since mostly everyone's left the canteen already would it be ok if you came down?"

"Yeah of course." I replied immediately, about a million questions arising in my head. "Did she choose to eat dinner?"

"She did actually." The man replied as we left the room. I followed him through the halls of the center into the main building. I'd never actually been inside Valewood other than the bedrooms, I had no idea what went on through those doors. There were a couple of people hanging around in what seemed like a social area and we passed more as we walked through the rooms.

"Sorry I don't think I even explained who I am." The guy broke me from my thoughts. "I'm Ben. Junior Psychiatrist."

"Tori." I replied as he lead me through some double doors and into the dining room. It was a light and cosy room that looked as though it had been designed to be as natural as possible. There were four large tables that seated fourteen and several smaller ones that seated six. Jade was sat at one of the smaller ones with a blonde haired, blue eyed woman. Ben and I walked over and he swapped places with her.

"Look who I got for you." Ben gestured from me to Jade. Jade turned her head in my direction and I smiled sitting down next to her. She gave a tiny brief smile before turning back to stir at the food in front of her.

"What's wrong?" I rubbed her back gently.

"Pasta." Jade sighed. It was almost a comical response, except the reality of it wasn't funny. She was shaking and seemed upset.

"Jade take a deep breath and remember what we were talking about before." Ben said calmly. "Let all those negative voices float away and just focus on what you want to do."

Jade sat up and did as he said. I smiled supportively when she stabbed the pasta with her fork and held it up to her mouth. She took a deep breath and put the pasta into her mouth. She chewed it a couple of times before shaking her head and wailing. Ben pushed a polystyrene bowl forwards and she retched, spitting it out and throwing up a little.

"You're alright." Ben reassured her, handed her a napkin and disposing of the pasta she'd spat out. Jade wiped her mouth with the napkin and began to cry weakly. I wrapped an arm around her, hushing her and trying to calm her down.

"I'm disgusting." Jade whimpered.

"No. No you're not." I told her firmly. Jade shook her head looking down at the pasta hopelessly.

"You're not disgusting Jade." Ben reaffirmed, "None of us are judging you here. This is a safe place."

"Why are you even nice to me? I'm a freak!" Jade turned to me accusingly.

"Because I love you. No matter how freaky you are." I smiled trying to lighten the mood. Jade sniffed and looked down at the pasta unconfidently.

"I can't eat this." Jade shook her head. Ben nodded, respecting her opinion and took the pasta out of her sight. The three of us sat there for a while, Ben and I chatting and trying to cheer up Jade who just sat their glumly. Eventually the blonde woman came back and took Jade aside to talk to her.

"That's Mia, she's one of Jade's main therapists." Ben explained. I smiled and looked down at the tiny bowl of pasta Jade had been trying to eat. It was obvious she was trying but it seemed like her body and her mind were completely against her.

"Jade talks about you a lot. I'm sure she wont mind me saying, you make her very happy." Ben told me. "She's lucky to have you by the sounds of it."

"Well I'm lucky to have her too." I replied, blushing slightly and glancing over at Jade. She was still talking to Mia who was handing her some pills and water and sending her back to sit with us.

"Mia's making me some toast." Jade explained sitting back down next to me. She quickly swallowed the pills and lay her head on my shoulder. She seemed slightly calmer than before but I could tell the pasta had been a setback. I didn't really say anything but I held her hand listening to Ben who started an elaborate conversation about his love life problems. Eventually Mia came over with a plate of toast and sat down on Jade's other side encouraging her to try it. It took a few go's but eventually Jade managed to swallow a few bites of toast.

"Do you feel full?" Mia asked after she'd eaten one slice of toast.

"I think I'm about an eight." Jade replied quietly.

"Ok so maybe now's a good time to stop." Mia said supportively. Jade pushed the plate forwards seeming relieved and yet, at the same time not relieved at all. Ben got rid of all the plates from the table whilst Mia continued to talk to her.

"How are the urges?"

"Really, really intense right now." Jade admitted croakily.

"Ok well lets just sit here for a while." Mia said calmly, squeezing Jade's arm. The two therapists worked really hard to distract her and were being really sweet and asking me a lot about Sweden. They kept checking in with Jade and eventually her anxiety levels dropped and they decided she could leave.

"Remember everything we talked about today Jade. Maybe we can do this tomorrow." Mia told her

"Maybe." Jade replied standing up. I smiled accepting the hand she held out to me as we left the dining hall.

"Hey.. that was progress." I pointed out once. Even if she wasn't

"I was sick." Jade mumbled.

"And you carried on." I squeezed her hand, "That took courage."

"Yeah well lets not talk about it." Jade sighed. "I just want to take you to my room and I don't know.. lie on top of you for a while."

I laughed, "Jade!"

"What?" Jade smirked, raising an eyebrow at me

"Nothing." I replied innocently. Jade led us back into her room and we spent the rest of the evening together cuddled up in bed. Every time I visit Jade now I find myself in bed with her just kissing, stroking. I'm sure we're breaking some sort of visitation rights rule but I can't help it anymore. I just love being close to her. Ahh this could get messy.

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**Review if you want to. x x**


	37. Chapter 37

**:)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

10/20/2012.

Jade's been trying really hard with her diet this month. She now eats toast, soup, banana, avacado, mashed potato, vegetables, and yogurt. Most recently she's been attempting chicken but unfortunately with little success. For some reason the evening she tried chicken again she felt really sick in the night which led to her decision to become a vegetarian.

Now there's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian but the problem with a vegetarian diet for someone like Jade is that it's inherently restrictive. The psychiatrists and nutritionists are recommending that she doesn't restrict her diet at all, especially at this point. But Jade's insisting she's a vegetarian. I'm not going to have an opinion about this because I'm really not sure what the right one is. Honestly, I think as long as she's still trying different kinds of foods she should be allowed to be a vegetarian. She still has feeding tubes every day because she doesn't eat enough to sustain herself yet. But every day she's eating a tiny bit more. Slowly and steadily she's working towards it.

One thing that I never realised until very recently is that Jade actually has no idea what a regular portion is. Since she was thirteen years old she's only known over-eating and purging or under-eating and starving. There's no middle ground and she is literally being coached during meals how to know when she's eaten enough. We're not supposed to ask her if she's feeling hungry or full because she finds that triggering but we can ask her if she feels like a 5 or 4 and then ask her again during the meal if she feels like 7 because that is the point she's supposed to stop eating. I don't completely understand this numbers system yet but I'll probably try and talk to Laura about it next time I go to carers counselling because I want to be able to help her with this.

* * *

11/07/2012.

I decided to surprise Jade with a visit today. I've not been able to see her as often as I usually do because I've been so busy recording and performing. It's so exciting but also really scary because if I don't get a good reaction from the public at this point then everything could fall apart. Luckily the few shows that I have done have gone okay and people seem to like my music. Anyway I finished recording a little earlier than usual today so instead of going home I made the spontaneous decision to drive to Valewood.

"Hey." I opened the door to my girlfriends temporary room. Jade spun around confused and then smiled widely.

"What are you doing here?" Jade ran over to me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her and cuddled her back.

"I don't know, I guess I just thought I'd surprise you." I replied nodding towards her notebook. "What are you doing?"

"Just writing a play." Jade shrugged.

"That's nice." I blinked surprised. I didn't know she'd got back into writing since she'd been back at Valewood. She'd never mentioned it before but then maybe she only did it on the days she had no visitors.

"Yeah not really, it's the sequel to Wishing Well and lets just say her Aunt is really going to regret marrying that gank!" Jade grinned mischievously.

"Do I want to read it or will I be sleeping with the lights on for a week?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Ermmm yeah don't read it babe." Jade patted my shoulder before going to pick up her notebook and papers she'd been writing on. She shoved them all into a plastic wallet and then into the small bedside table drawer. I smiled sitting down in the chair next to the bed.

"Hows the recording been?" Jade asked me interestedly.

"Well I was in the studio this morning and rerecorded one of the old tracks." I told her.

"Which one?" Jade queried.

"So Is My Heart."

"Why? I liked that one." She frowned

"We modified the bass a bit. Nothing major but we thought it sounded a bit weird with the old voice track." I explained. Suddenly there was a loud knock at the door but no one came in however I could hear voices in the corridor.

"Section E dinner time." Jade explained. "You came kind of early."

"I know, I'm sorry I just really wanted to see you." I apologised.

"Hey I'm not complaining but yeah.. I think they'll get mad if I don't go." Jade admitted.

"Go." I said firmly. As if I'd be the one who told her to skip a meal. I didn't mind waiting around by myself for a while. Jade pecked me on the lips and was about to leave when there came another knock at the door and the junior psychiatrist Ben I remembered from a few weeks ago popped his head through the door.

"Ahh it's the famous Tori." Ben smiled. Jade rolled her eyes and scowled at him.

"She's not famous." Jade insisted.

"She could be the amount you talk about her." Ben teased

"Shut up." Jade shook her head. Ben grinned turning to me.

"I can check with the boss if you haven't already eaten. You could probably stay."

"Oh I don't know." I shook my head. I felt a bit weird about eating there, not because it was an eating disorder center but just because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable by being there. I know that all the staff ate together with them but usually guests weren't permitted.

"Yes check." Jade demanded before adding quickly "Please." Ben nodded and left the room. Jade and I were only talking for another couple of minutes when the psychiatrist returned and waved us both through. I followed Jade and Ben to the dining room and exhaled nervously.

"Are you scared?" Jade picked up on my angst.

"Not scared, just a bit.. nervous." Jade raised an eyebrow and squeezed hold of my hand.

"This feels like role reversal." Jade said amused, "Don't be scared. It's just food. It's good for you." Jade winked repeating all the things I had said to her in the past. I narrowed my eyes, pulling a tongue at her and she laughed pulling one back.

"So is this some sort of date?" Ben suddenly interrupted our little tongue pulling session.

"Jeese no wonder no one will go out with you when your idea of a date is the dining room in an eating disorder clinic." Jade replied sarcastically.

"Always so sweet and sensitive this one." Ben grinned, showing us through the dining room to the food station, "Anyway lets see what's on the menu for today. Italian pizza, caeser salad, chicken—"

"How is the pizza Italian? I somehow doubt it's from Italy." Jade raised an eyebrow.

"Actually it's an Italian crust." Ben shrugged.

"False advertising in my opinion." Jade replied.

"Did you take an extra dose of sassy today?" Ben teased her again. Jade shrugged and Ben turned to me, "Tori just pick whatever you want."

I nodded and helped myself to a plate of the caesar salad, watching whilst Ben helped Jade to choose her food. It took a lot longer than me for her to find food that she could stomach. In the end she filled her plate with steamed vegetables and mashed potatoes.

"See you later Jade.. Tori." Ben smiled leaving us to go sit down and to talk to another one of his patients. We sat down on one of the smaller tables with two other girls who Jade introduced me to. They were really nice and made me feel welcome. I did notice one of them was probably talking so much to avoid eating but one of the psychiatrists also did and came over to make sure she ate.

"Patronising isn't it?" Jade said to me quietly.

"A little." I admitted. "Ben seems really nice though."

"Too nice!" Jade insisted

"He's sweet." I grinned taking a bite of my salad. "He's like a puppy." I watched as Jade grimaced swallowing her own mouthful of food.

"Can you taste it?" I asked curiously.

"No not at all." Jade replied. "It's like eating water except it's solid.. it's gross"

"Well it will get better eventually." I smiled sympathetically.

"Maybe or maybe it's this food. Taste it." Jade held her fork up to me

"No way, they're watching you to make sure you eat it all." I nodded towards a group of staff who were sitting together at another of the tables. Jade rolled her eyes and forced the bite of potato down her throat.

After another hour in the dining hall, I had long finished but Jade was still struggling through the last few mouthfuls. Ben came over and asked her the usual questions. What number did she feel, had she eaten enough, would she feel too full if she ate any more? Jade shook her head, determined to finish the plate.

Ben stayed sat with us and we talked together until Jade finally finished. I noticed Ben seemed extremely pleased although he was hiding it from Jade.

"Go see Jasper he'll check your tube and give you a slip." Ben instructed her. I saw her glance at me, probably making sure I was ok on my own, but I wasn't nervous anymore.

"Don't worry I won't swoop in on your girlfriend while your gone." Ben grinned. Jade rolled her eyes and stood up from the table.

"You know thats the first time she's eaten a whole meal since she got readmitted." Ben smiled, trying to hide how triumphant he was about it. It was important not to make a big deal about food in front of any of the patients.

"I guessed." I smiled back. We both knew what it meant for Jade. It meant they could slowly stop tube feeding her. She'd get control of her diet back and she'd be able to gain weight through meals and snacks as oppose to artificial nutrition. It was only the very first meal she'd fully eaten, but it had very positive consequences.

* * *

11/18/2012.

I went to visit Jade today and when I came in Beck and Jade were sitting together on the bed and they were laughing watching a video on his pearpad. I smiled since it was rare to see Jade laugh these days. Don't get me wrong she's a lot happier but still, she reserves laughing for special occasions.

"Alright I'm gonna get going, see you on Thursday squirm." Beck smiled, putting his pearpad in his bag.

"Bye Beck." Jade smiled back. Beck jumped off the bed and smiled giving me a hug. I hugged him back happy to see him here. I hadn't seen him in so long since he started UCLA as he's been really busy but I was pleased he still made the effort to come see Jade.

"Very good day." Beck whispered in my ear, talking about Jade. He waved us both goodbye before leaving the room.

"You're in a good mood." I pointed out.

"Uh huh." Jade nodded gesturing me closer to the bed. I sat down in front of her and she immediately leant forwards, kissing my lips passionately.

"What was that for?" I asked bewildered.

"I missed you." Jade replied.

"Aw I missed you too." I smiled as she took hold of my hand intertwining our fingers and using her other hand she pushed my hair behind my ear and leant forward to kiss my cheek. My heart was racing like mad and I'd only been here a couple of minutes. Jade dropped my hand and instead wrapped both her arms around my waist. I was completely taken aback.

"I gained 5 lbs." Jade informed me suddenly "I've had no tube feeds today."

"Jade that's amazing." I smiled brightly. I guess this was what Beck meant by 'very good day.'

"I thought you'd be pleased" Jade nodded happily. We rearranged our position on the bed so we were both huddled in the corner holding each other.

"How do you feel about it?" I asked her gently.

"You sound like my shrink." Jade rolled her eyes.

"I'm just.. interested." I looked for the right word.

"I'm not sure. I know I need to gain weight but there's a part of me screaming that I need to lose. That if I gain weight I'll be ugly, no one will like me.. I know it's dumb."

"You really, really don't need to lose any weight." I told her firmly.

"I know that much." Jade sighed.

"You do?" I blinked surprised.

"Maybe I was deluded at first but I see myself Tori. I know what I look like." Jade said slightly solemnly. I wondered how long this had been happening for. As long as I remembered she seemed to believe she was close to obese, that if she'd gain a pound more she'd be fat when in reality she was tiny."

"Well. You look much much better than you did a few months ago." I said softly.

"I still feel fat. I guess I know that I'm not, but it's just how I feel." Jade confessed.

"You're not fat Jade." I told her for about the millionth time. Jade shrugged and I thought of something else. I decided to query her about it, "do you think I'm fat?"

Jade looked horrified and shook her head immediately "No of course not, you're perfect! you're beautiful."

"But look at our legs Jade." I nodded down "We're both wearing leggings, look at the difference." My legs aren't exactly wide either but Jades are much smaller than mine.

"I see it Tori." Jade nodded.

"Then how can you still think you're fat?" I frowned confused.

"I know it makes no sense. I just feel fat and no matter how much weight I gain or lose.. I'm always going to feel fat." Jade shrugged.

"Why?"

"Because I'm broken." Jade sighed. I wrapped my arms around her and felt as Jade snuggled up to me.

"Sorry I know I'm not easy to be around. I appreciate you listening to me."

"Oh god baby.. I've got all the time in the world to listen to you" I assured her.

"Thank you." Jade smiled cuddling up to me. "Please never think, I think you're fat. It's a different game for me. I know it's messed up. I'm working on it."

"It seems like you've done a lot of thinking recently." I said carefully.

"I have." Jade nodded.

"What else have you been thinking about?" I asked interested.

"I want to start doing the paper chain thing again." Jade told me "But I'll have to change it a bit"

"Go for it" I smiled happily.

"White is the same. Blue is one proper meal or less, purple is two or three proper meals, and green is a no tube feed day." Jade informed me. "I'll do it if you or someone could get me the card again."

"Of course I'll get it for you. But wow ok, so you're aiming for no tube feeds." I clarified. It seemed like an ambitious goal. She'd only really been eating again for about two months.

"Yeah I am." Jade thought about it for a second, before nodding. "I'm sick of being a tragic case that you all come visit at set hours and blah, blah, blah. I'm going to get better and I'm going to fight for my life back."

I honestly could have cried. I felt that step forward. My heart swelled with pride that she was doing this and completely on her own accord. No one was pressuring her. She wanted to get better for her. I was overwhelmingly happy. I didn't know what to say so I just kissed her again passionately.

"Talk me through everything ok? Whatever you're feeling, talk to me." I said firmly.

"I'll try." Jade replied before we fell back down on the bed hugging and kissing and both of us smiling. For the first time in our entire relationship I felt like we were equal in fighting this. I'd always felt like she'd been clinging onto my hand or falling. Never had she been so positive and it filled me with hope. I didn't doubt there would be setbacks but something was different this time.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked suddenly.

"Yeah." Jade nodded, holding my hand.

"Us getting together, coming out I guess. Did it make the eating disorder worse?" I asked nervously. It was something I'd had in the back of my mind and I'd felt guilty about but Jade didn't even hesitate to answer

"No." Jade shook her head smiling "Us getting together is the best thing thats ever happened to me." I smiled relieved.

"Lets be real Tor. It was almost too easy. No one really said anything to us. Unless did anyone say anything to you about it? Because if they did you should have told me, I would have got my scissors." Jade suddenly frowned looking all protective.

"No no one said anything." I giggled.

"Why did you think that?" Jade questioned curiously. I frowned knowing this would have to come up eventually but I really didn't want to ruin her amazing mood.

"I have to tell you something ok?" I began nervously. "I've actually been seeing a therapist too."

"How long for?" Jade asked confused.

"Since July." I told her truthfully. I wasn't going to tell her what prompted me to make the appointment but she deserved to know about this. I saw the realisation hit Jade as she took in what I was telling her and her smile fell.

"Oh god it's my fault." Jade shook her head looking upset.

"You know what? It was your fault and you know what else? It was probably one of the best things you could have done for me." I said firmly

"I'm not good for you. I'm so sorry. You should stay away from me." Jade looked devastated.

"No you're not listening to me." I squeezed her hands making her look up at me.

"I'm seeing a therapist for me. To look after me." I affirmed.

"But-" Jade went to interrupt.

"It's ok to see a therapist." I assured her.

"Normal people don't see therapists." Jade insisted.

"Says who? And who's normal anyway?" I shrugged.

"What do you talk about?" Jade asked, still seeming confused but seemingly starting to accept that I wanted to see a therapist.

"You." I replied.

"Figures." Jade looked down.

"Not like that." I said softly "She helps me to understand how you feel and she supported me a lot through the heart attack and everything after. But mostly she helps me with sexuality stuff."

"Tori you what?" Jade looked even more bewildered which I already expected she would. "You never seemed like.. what?"

"When I was in Sherwood I had a crush on this girl Frankie, and when I told my best friend about it, she laughed and made fun of me." I confessed. Jade listened intently but frowning.

"She told loads of people at my school and they all made fun of me and I would come home every day after school and just cry. One day Frankie and some of her friends came over to me and called me all these horrible things and they beat me up. They spat on me and threw tampons at me and.." I had to stop talking too upset to carry on. Jade hugged me really tightly and kissed my forehead until I was calm enough to continue. "When I came to Hollywood Arts I never wanted anyone to find out I was gay. No one was ever supposed to know because I thought the same thing would happen. I didn't think I was strong enough to tell anyone that I liked girls ever again. Not until I found you."

"Aww Tori." Jade pulled me into a tight hug and kissed me firmly on the lips. "You should have told me about this."

"I'm telling you now." I sighed, relieved she wasn't mad at me or upset and we pressed our foreheads together cuddled up and holding each other.

"Maybe we're both a little broken" I whispered.

Jade nodded holding me tight. "I love you anyway."

"I love you too." I replied just snuggled close to her. We stayed like that for a long time until Jade bent across to her bedside table and pulled out a tissue to wipe my eyes. I think she was worried about me she kept reassuring me it would never, ever happen again. That the people from my old school were idiots. That I had her now. It made me feel a lot better. In the end I went down to dinner with her again and she finished her plate. I smiled and whispered proud of you into her ear and she smiled back. Just before I went to bed tonight I got a text from Jade and it made me so happy.

_Purple. I don't have any card but it would be if I did ;) I love you xxx._

I'll bring it tomorrow:) I love you too xxx.

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**Review if you want to. x**


	38. Chapter 38

**Thank you everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You make my day :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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12/10/2012.

With December well under the way and Christmas in only a few weeks time, Jade was still no where near ready to leave inpatient full time. Although she's been eating again for four months and eating three small meals a day for about one month, it's still very early days. She had a small relapse and purged around the end of November but since then she's been back on track which left Jade with a decision. Jenn and James were invited to discuss the issue this afternoon at Valewood. I was already with Jade when Jenn showed up, but her Dad never arrived.

"You have the opportunity, if you feel like you can, to spend some time at home over Christmas." Dr. Taye informed Jade. My face lit up. It would be amazing to have Jade out of here for a while, to be able to hang out with her again, go on dates, spend time together not being constantly watched through security cameras.

"It's entirely up to you." Dr. Taye affirmed. Jade looked conflicted and slightly terrified.

"I would but.." Jade trailed off.

"Are you worried you'll relapse if you go out?" Jenn asked suspiciously

"No." Jade shook her head. "Well.. a little, but that's not the reason."

"Then what's holding you back?" Dr. Taye asked interestedly. I didn't say anything but I listened, very interested too. I honestly thought she'd jump at the chance to get out of here because she had told me on numerous occasions that she was bored out of her mind.

"Wheres my Dad?" Jade sighed looking mostly at Jenn.

"He's.. busy." Jenn replied sympathetically.

"Then no." Jade shook her head. "I can't do it alone yet. He's never here. He's not here now. He won't be there for me if I go home for Christmas." I sighed disappointed. If I was being honest, she was right. Without someone watching over most of the time at least, then the temptation and likelihood of her relapsing and purging or just not eating at all was too high. Her Father visited at the most twice a month and was the least active person in Jade's recovery. He wasn't a bad man, he just didn't understand.

"Jade sweetie. Don't be silly you can stay with me." Jenn insisted.

"Really?"

"Of course you can! As long as you don't mind living with Beck and Mark."

"No I don't mind" Jade said quietly, allowing herself a small smile.

"So you're going to spend Christmas with your aunt." Dr. Taye confirmed. "In that case we'll start you on some extra therapy sessions to prepare you for the holiday. You get up to two weeks but if you don't stick to the diet plan or you find yourself purging to cope then I want you to be honest and readmit yourself ok?"

Jade nodded in agreement before glancing at me excited. I smiled back so happy she'd agreed to do this. I knew she more than likely had some fears and reservations about being out when she was definitely still struggling but I was going to be there for her to support her the entire time, and so was Jenn, and so was Beck. It's going to be great.

* * *

12/20/2012.

Jade is officially out of Valewood.. temporarily. It's so exciting. I went over to Beck's house this afternoon and Jenn answered the door showing me inside. Jade was sat in the kitchen with Beck and the two of them were just finishing lunch.

"Hey." Jade smiled when she saw me.

"What's it like being on the other side?" I bent down, kissing her on the cheek.

"Weird." Jade replied, as I took a seat next to her. Beck and I talked for a little while about college and our plans for Christmas. We're going to meet up with Andre, Cat and Robbie in a couple of days to exchange Christmas presents. We're also going to go watch Hollywood Arts Christmas play, have movie days, beach days and make the most of every minute we have Jade full time. Obviously we're going to have to be careful not to overwhelm her. She's still underweight and it was less than half a year ago that she had the cardiac arrest not to mention she's basically been locked up for seven months.

"I'm done." Jade said picking her plate up "Where can I?" Jade nodded to the food left on her plate.

"Just throw it in the food recycling bin next to the sink." Beck told her casually. Jade stood up and went to throw the left overs into to bin. There was probably a little more left than usual but I put that down to nerves. She put her plate in the dishwasher and came back over to the island.

"Right I'm going to go meet up with Andre to play xbox. See you guys later." Beck smiled and left the kitchen. We both said goodbye and then I turned back to Jade.

"How are you really doing?" I asked softly.

"I'm freaking out Tor.. this was too soon." Jade shook her head looking terrified. I squeezed hold of her hand.

"Hey.. It's only the first day, you're bound to be nervous." I assured her. "Are you feeling urges?"

"No not really." Jade shook her head.

"It's okay. You're going to be fine. And if it gets too hard, then you can go back to Valewood early. But give yourself a chance ok?" I suggested

"Ok." Jade nodded. I smiled giving her a cuddle and felt her relax against me. We stayed there for another five minutes, me just silently stroking her back and hair. I realised we're definitely going to have to treat this situation very delicately. It hadn't been more than three hours and she was already scared.

"So it's only 2pm. Do you want to go to Jetbrew or stay here?"

"Umm.. stay here." Jade decided. "In fact could we go for a lie down? I'm kind of tired."

"Yeah of course we can." I said softly, albeit slightly concerned. She took my hand and led me upstairs to the spare room where Jenn had made up her bed and a suitcase of her things was sat in the corner. The room was cream and red in colour and felt extremely warm and cosy. Jenn had obviously gone to an effort to make it nice for Jade and there was a tv and a selection of dvds, mostly of the horror genre that Jenn had picked out for her.

"Is that an en suite?" I asked, pointing at the door in the corner. Jade nodded.

"Jenn locked it." Jade informed me reassuringly. She kicked her shoes off and lay down in the middle of the bed seeming exhausted. I lay down next to her feeling more worried about her by the minute.

"Hey." I kissed her cheek and stroked her arm. "Are you just tired?"

"Uh huh." Jade nodded, closing her eyes and curling up to her pillow."I just need a little sleep."

"Ok." I whispered. "Do you want me to stay or would you rather I left you alone?"

"Stay." Jade yawned, snuggling closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her as she drifted off and lay there holding her for a couple of hours. Jenn popped her head around the door and asked if she was alright.

"I think so." I smiled back. When Jade woke up we watched tv downstairs with Jenn for a while before I had to go. I hugged Jade goodbye and reassured her that she would be fine. She smiled nervously and I hugged her all over again. I guess it's going to take a while before she feels normal about being out of Valewood and with food so accessible. Jenn's controlling her meal plan but Jade's allowed control over her snacks. Obviously Jenn's keeping an eye out that she doesn't start binging, but the rest is her decision. I think she'll be ok. She just needs a couple of days.

* * *

12/23/2012.

Like I suspected, Jade really did only need a couple of days. She confessed to me that on Thursday night she sat down with Jenn and told her she wanted to go back to Valewood, that she couldn't do this. Jenn had talked her down and helped her through the evening, even sitting with her for five hours whilst she struggled to eat anything for dinner.

They even went as far as to make arrangements to take her back if she was still finding it this hard by the next evening. But when she woke up in the morning everything seemed a lot less daunting. Jenn took Jade to Olivia's grave because she'd missed her Mom's birthday when she'd been in hospital and then they went out for (decaf) coffees, christmas shopping and finally for manicures. By the evening when Jade sat down with Beck's family for dinner she was feeling a lot better about the situation and it only took her an hour to finish eating.

Today was such a cute day. It was the reunion of the West siblings and it was probably the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Beck and I went to pick up Sam and Charlie from the Nanny's and we told them we were taking them to pick up school books. They weren't exactly very pleased about it but they came along mainly because it was Beck who in their eyes is the coolest human on the planet. The look on the two boys face's when they saw their big sister stood in Beck's living room was priceless and they ran over excitedly and almost knocked her down hugging her.

"Be gentle boys." Jenn said firmly, but Jade was smiling widely just happy to see them.

"I missed you two so much!" Jade hugged the twins one under each arm.

"I missed you the most!" Sam shouted.

"No I missed Jade morer!" Charlie insisted.

"Never change you little weirdos." Jade grinned kissing them both on the cheeks. Jade sat down on the couch and both the boys sat down next to her.

"Tori said you were very sick with a disease!" Sam exclaimed. Jade glanced at me with a humorous frown. I smiled back nervously.

"Umm.. well I was. But I'm getting better now, see." Jade cuddled Sam who suddenly had a very concerned look on his face. Sam nodded and began to tell an elaborate story about his saxophone lessons. We left the three of them to catch up for a while alone whilst we went to make lunch. Jenn had already prepared vegetable soup so me and Beck just made a salad and sliced up some crusty bread. I was a little worried Jade would struggle with lunch since there were so many people, but soup was one of her safe foods and she did really well. The twins made everything lighthearted and funny so I think that added to the calmer atmosphere.

* * *

12/24/2012.

It's Christmas eve and I'm spending the day with my family and cousins. Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life. I went out with Jade, Beck, Cat, Robbie and Andre to a Hollywood Arts to see the christmas production. It was an amazing original production and it really made me nostalgic for school. At the end we went and said hi to Sikowitz who gave us each a hug. He was another of the people pleased to see Jade out and about.

Afterwards the six of us went to Jetbrew and caught up with each other. It was so fun hearing what everyone had been up to leading their new lives in jobs and in college. Jade somehow managed to make a joke out of the slightly awkward situation that she'd been in an eating disorder center the entire time by saying she was studying food and how to not have heart attacks. Everyone chuckled and she told us seriously that she was working on writing. I smiled and squeezed her hand, and she smiled and winked at me back.

We all exchanged gifts which was really fun. Andre got me this awesome piece of recording equipment which will be amazing for making songs with and Beck got me tickets to see my favourite band. Cat and Robbie were flirting the entire time we were there and he got her such an amazing christmas gift. It was a candy making machine and a candy recipe book. Cat squealed when she saw it and promised us all that she'd make us all personalised homemade candy.

Jade got me a couple of presents this year. A heart charm for the charm bracelet she got me for valentines day this year and then this designer handbag that I had been fawning over but would never have dared buy. I was delighted and kissed her firmly. I bought her some books about writing, an emotions thesaurus, and a necklace which had a black diamond heart in the centre. She seemed to like it and asked me to put it on her. I thought it looked even prettier on her than it did in the box. It suited her.

After we said goodbye to everyone I took Jade back to mine for a while. We went upstairs to my bedroom and just sort of talked for a while. But after about fifteen minutes we started kissing and then touching and then I guess things got a lot more intimate. We were both so, so nervous but we'd been wanting this for a while. At first Jade really didn't want to take her bra off because she was terrified I'd hate her breasts because of the weight loss. I assured her I would love them and she was sexy and in the end, we just got so comfortable with each other it didn't matter. She is small, but I still think she's beautiful

When I pushed my fingers inside her she let out a tiny moan and I bent over to kiss her. I just kept kissing her, rubbing my fingers inside of her and feeling her until she came on my hand and then she did the same to me. We told each other we loved each other a lot and ended up just curled up together, our legs entangled and kissing for the rest of the evening.

When we finally got out of my bed and got dressed again, we went downstairs to make dinner and we ate together. My parents came home when we were just cleaning up the plates and they gave Jade a hug asking her about recovery. They even got her a christmas present and I was really happy they were getting along. I didn't want Jade to go but she left around 9pm so she wouldn't be too late back to Beck's.

I won't see her again until after Christmas but we've been non-stop texting since yesterday. Is it possible I love her even more after what happened? I know it shouldn't have changed anything but it did bring us closer and I honestly can't stop thinking about it. It was amazing. I love her so much.

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**Thoughts? **


	39. Chapter 39

**.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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12/27/2012.

I had sex with Jade again today. I'm sorry for grinning like an idiot and talking about it way too much but I'm just so happy. We decided to go for a walk in the park this afternoon and talk about we'd been up to over the past few days. Jade told me Christmas at the Oliver's was actually a lot more enjoyable than Christmas usually was in her house. Jenn had arranged for the twins to come over again needing little persuasion to convince James on that. Her Dad actually came inside himself for a while to give Jade a christmas present and a quick stiff hug. She said it was slightly awkward, but he got her a vegetarian cookbook and a desserts cookbook which she was pleased with and she gave him a shirt.

Jenn apparently let her sit out of christmas dinner which she was extremely grateful for. It's one thing sitting with a large group of people to eat and a completely other sitting with a large group of people all over indulging in food. Beck decided to sit with her in the living room and just the two of them ate lunch together which was a lot easier.

I told Jade about going to my Aunt's house and the disaster that that had been. Unfortunately I have a cousin who's even more self-absorbed than Trina and every year without fail they get into an argument. This year the argument focused entirely on who could sing better. The answer was clearly neither of them but it resulted in them singing karaoke for five hours straight. My ears are still burning!

We didn't stay long at the park, driving back to my place after only one circuit of the park. We were polite and talked to my parents for a few minutes before going upstairs to my room and immediately undressing and we tried scissoring. I don't think there's even a word for how amazing it felt. We had to be so careful because of Jade's feeding tube, but once we had the logistics sorted, everything just sort of came naturally and I can honestly say it was the best sex of my life.

* * *

12/30/2012.

I took Jade and Andre into the studio today to show them some of the music I've been working on and introduced them to my manager and to Erik who is over from Sweden to do some recording. It was awesome and the four of us had so much fun just singing and messing about with tracks. Andre has got amazing at producing and recorded Jade's singing when she wasn't watching. She tried to hit him when she found out but we all just laughed. Her voice is gorgeous I really think she should sing more.

After we'd finished in the recording studio we went back to Beck's and managed to convince him to let us all hang out in his RV like old times. We were all reminiscing about all the times we'd hang out in here. Beck and Jade seemed to mostly remember arguments but they also shared the hilarious memory of when they bought it in the first place.

The story went something like this. Beck was nine, Jade was eight. Having rich parents and in Jade's case slightly too trusting parents meant that between them they were able to raise enough money to buy the vehicle. When Fat Biscuit drove the RV into Beck's drive the very next morning, Mark had came out and told him he'd made a mistake and that they hadn't bought an RV he merely showed him the contract Beck and Jade had signed in purple and orange gel pen and then left him with it. They were in so, so much trouble but in the end Beck was allowed to keep the RV. Olivia apparently found the whole thing hilarious which probably didn't help Jenn's case that they should both be grounded.

"Who sells an RV to children?" Andre exclaimed in disbelief.

"Fat Biscuit apparently." Jade smirked, resting her head on my shoulder. I teased her waist with my fingertips whilst Beck and Andre discussed the legality of selling vehicles to eight year olds. I could feel Jades chest rising and falling gently with each breath she took but they were getting shallower and I soon realised she was falling asleep. I let her sleep because she probably needed it whilst continuing to listen to the boys conversation

"Is she alright?" Andre nodded towards Jade nervously.

"Yeah she just gets tired sometimes." I replied quietly. Beck pulled a blanket out of a drawer underneath his bed and he wrapped it around Jade so she didn't get cold whilst she slept.

We ended up watching a movie for the rest of the afternoon and Jade woke up just as Jenn brought us out some snacks. We all tucked in but I noticed Jade was really struggling to swallow the bite of cheese toastie she'd taken and after a couple of minutes I passed her a tissue and she spat it out. That happens quite often when it's a 'new' food. It's not really nice, but if she can't swallow it then it has to come out. I think Andre noticed and was looking slightly freaked out but I just took the tissue from her and threw it in the trash. We didn't explain it. It's not really his business what Jade does and doesn't eat.

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01/01/2013.

Hi journal! Happy 2013! It's the start of a new year and that means New Years Resolutions of course. This year I'm going to get organised and actually start tidying my room and sorting through the masses and masses of things I own. You probably don't care about my boring resolution though do you? You just want to know what happened last night.. well let me take you back.

We already decided before Jade had even confirmed she was allowed to spend time outside of Valewood that we wanted to do something just the six of us this year. Robbie volunteered his apartment that he rents in San Diego. He usually has three other roommates but they all come from out of state and had gone home for the holidays meaning we had an empty apartment without even a single parent or adult supervision.

And yes it took all three of us a lot of begging and persuading before Jenn would even consider allowing Jade to go. It was only for two nights but she'd signed something at Valewood which meant Jade wasn't supposed to be out of her sight for longer than 24 hours. Beck was the one that won her over in the end promising he would do Jade's diet plans and keep control of all the medication she had to take. Jade just promised she could handle it and would phone her and I said the same as Beck, we'd keep track of her diet and if the worst came to worst I would drive Jade straight back. On the condition there was absolutely no alcohol at this party, Jenn let us go.

I drove with Beck and Jade in one car and Cat and Andre went in another. When we got there I was amazed how artistic and open plan the apartment was. It was on the sixth floor and looked and felt like something you'd find in New York rather than a student flat in California. Robbie gave us a tour around. His room was the smallest of the bedrooms but he still had a huge window view of the city and wardrobe. There were three other bedrooms so as the only couple me and Jade were given the biggest room to share which we definitely weren't complaining about and Andre and Cat got a bedroom each. The rest of the apartment was open plan and the kitchen, dining area and living room ran into each other. There was also a bathroom and a separate shower room.

"One day we'll have an apartment like this all to ourselves." Jade came up behind me when we were alone.

"Yeah?" I raised an eyebrow leaning back against her.

"Uh huh but with a big piano in the corner for you us to write songs and we'll knock down the wall in the big bedrooms so we can push the beds together and have the biggest bed in the world." Jade pecked my neck with her lips.

"What would we do with a bed that big?" I asked teasingly.

"I can think of a couple of ideas." Jade smirked kissing my neck again. I would happily of let het take me to bed right there and then, but in the next few seconds Robbie and Cat came back in the room wanting to know if we wanted to come grocery shopping with them.

The four of us went to the supermarket to buy all the food and supplies for the next couple of days whilst Beck and Andre unpacked. Shopping was actually really fun but I did have to keep an eye on Jade. Her eyes immediately wandered to calories and fat content rather than what she thought would be easy on her stomach and sometimes she'd pick stuff up that I knew had no nutritional content other than being good for a binge. Luckily I have a reasonably good idea of what she can and can't eat right now, so we stocked up on all kinds of vegetables, soup, bananas, bean burgers, smoothies and rice. Cat and Robbie chose a lot less healthy food including several large pizzas, chips, candy, chocolate and fizzy drinks. I picked a sort of middle ground.

Maybe I was being slightly over cautious but when we got back to the apartment I asked Robbie for a padlock. We padlocked the cupboard full of junk food and then gave Beck the key to keep hold of. Jade saw us do it. She looked hurt more than anything but when I talked to her about it she said it was fine and she understood. I won't forget that look on her face though when she realised what I was doing. It's not that I don't trust her. I do. It's just I preferred that the temptation to binge and purge was completely removed. We pushed our luck even having her here at all. We could not afford a slip up.

In the end the party was so much fun. We played truth or dare and danced and sang and generally just went crazy. We were having so much fun we almost missed midnight but luckily Andre noticed and we all went down to the fireworks display on the beach to celebrate. By the time we got back it was almost 3am and we all shared our best memories of the year and made up our new years resolutions. We didn't need to ask what everyones worst memory was because it was the same for everyone. Finding out that Jade had the heart attack but everyones happiest memories were lovely. Jade said her's was when I agreed to be her girlfriend again. I told her mine was either our first time or the day she agreed to do the paper chain project again.

At around 4am we finally went to bed as we were all completely exhausted. We were already half asleep the second our heads touched the pillow but for some reason we tried to stay up and we just cuddled each other, whispering for a while. Jade didn't get out of bed properly until 1.30pm although I did wake her up at 8am to force her to drink a smoothie for breakfast and to take her meds. She grumbled profusely about it and then immediately fell back to sleep. Later on I made her lunch which she ate no arguments, but then afterwards she pulled me aside.

"Look I appreciate what you're doing but I'm not a baby. I can look after myself." Jade said seriously. I sighed afraid this would happen.

"I know you can look after yourself." I nodded. "I'm sorry, I just get worried."

"I know you do." Jade tucked a strand of hair behind my ear "And I know I don't deserve you to trust me but please, could you loosen the leash just a little?"

"Sure." I eventually sighed. I didn't want her to think she was on a leash but I knew it would be hard holding back. Jade smiled and gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. We both went back in to the living room and joined in with Cat's extremely strange game of pictionary before it got too weird and Beck made the executive decision to put on a movie.

We spent the rest of the afternoon just lounging around Robbies apartment and talking with our friends. I let Jade make her own dinner which seemed to go really well. She seemed a lot less anxious actually and told me it was because she'd made it. She knew what was in it, how she'd cooked it and it felt safer.

Tomorrow we're going to spend a bit of time in the city and maybe on the beach before driving back to LA. I really enjoyed going away for the new year with my friends. It was a nice mixture of fun and calm. It was good for Jade and it was also good for Robbie and Andre actually. Before this holiday they were both kind of nervous around Jade and didn't know what to say to her or how to act. But I think they've realised now she's still the same person and they both said they'd come visit her in Valewood which is nice. I think it's important she still see's her friends, especially after this. She's much more aware what she's missing out on.

* * *

01/04/2013.

I legitimately can't believe how fast these past two weeks have flown by. They were the most amazing two weeks of my life, I swear. I forgot what it was like to have Jade out in the real world and now she's gone it actually does feel like there's a piece missing. She's back under section and I'm back being alone.

She stayed at mine last night for one last time which was nice because we're not going to be able to be intimate with each other again for the foreseeable future. We spent a long time just talking last night and there were more than a few tears from both of us.

"I don't want to go back Tori. I want to stay here with you." Jade confessed to me already in tears. I had sensed this was coming. These past two weeks had been almost too easy. She hadn't struggled nearly as much as she thought she would and her confidence had grown hugely. There were still a couple of meals that the eating disorder got the better of her and I still saw that eating disorder voice slip through occasionally but for the most part she'd been living like she were recovered. Of course she didn't want to go back to being sectioned.

"I know baby but you need to go back. You need to get better." I told her firmly. However, this only seemed to make her more upset.

"Do I?" Jade challenged me, "I've never felt better than now when I'm out! I've felt dead for so long and all of a sudden I'm alive and happy and now I have to give it all up and for what?"

"I think this holiday has surprised you just how well you can cope. You amazed us all how good you are and how better you are and there's no doubt about it anymore you definitely can do this. But you just have a little further to go. Gain those last few pounds, get rid of those negative voices in your head. If you do that then being out will be even better."

"But I miss you." Jade sniffed snuggling up to me.

"I'm right here. And I'll still visit you all the time." My own voice cracked as tears choked my throat, threatening to spill out of my eyes.

"I don't think I'm coming out soon Tori." Jade shook her head. "I think- I think I'm in there for the long run."

"No baby. I think you just need to be there a little while longer and you'll beat this. You're fighting so hard and you're winning ok?"

"It's ruining my life!" Jade wailed.

"No you're not letting it ruin your life anymore. You're taking your life back remember?" I argued for her, barely able to talk through the tears that were strangling me "And Valewood is helping you do that." We both broke down and cried a lot. We kept telling each other it would be ok but we were a total mess. I think we cried for half an hour before we pulled ourselves together and laughed slightly at how tragic we looked.

"God I love you ok? And you're going to beat this Jade I swear." I squeezed both her hands firmly

"Okay." Jade nodded wiping her eyes. "I'll do it for you."

"No. You'll do it for you." I kissed her lips hard.

"I love you so much." Jade whispered into my mouth before I interrupted her with a kiss. We fell back on the bed and kissed and undressed and had sex over and over until we were too tired to do anything but sleep.

Jenn picked her up at 10am and we cried again. Hugging and telling each other we loved each other and kissing. Jenn and my Mom watched from the side both of them looking sympathetic but not interrupting our goodbye. I told her I'd come visit her in two days and Jade said ok. And then finally Jenn took her away.

I know she's where she needs to be but god, letting her leave was so much harder than I expected. It's not even like I can't see her at all. I see her almost every other evening. It just isn't the same as being truly alone with her. I hope she was ok going back in. She seemed so upset. I hope this doesn't hold her back but pushes her to recover faster. I would do anything to have her better and here with me again.

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**I can't tell if this was sad or happy :S  
****Please review xx**


	40. Chapter 40

**Nothing to say but I feel like there should be text here idk.. Hope you enjoy this flash forward. The honeymoon is coming to an end :(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/14/2021.

Hey Journal. I'm sort of sad because today's the very last day of our honeymoon and I've loved it so much I just don't want it to be over. Puerto Rico is such a beautiful island. I really could stay here forever if I could fetch my friends, family, house and career with me. And if I ever had any doubts about married life, they've completely gone. Jade and I were always meant to be married. It suits us.

Since today was our last day we tried to fit in as much as possible. We went swimming this morning, went for lunch in the town and then shopping and sightseeing and then we went to a wildlife resort in the afternoon. We took more photographs today than all the other days put together, we just wanted to document everything.

The only slightly negative moment happened this evening when we went to this huge carnival and bonfire on the beach. We had our reservations about going in the first place because it would be busy and people were very likely to stop us and swarm us if we were't careful. But we dressed discreetly and decided it was worth the risk. The carnival was a lot of fun. We couldn't go on any rides because of Jade's medical history but neither of us were really interested in them anyway. We were a lot more interested in what was happening over by the bonfire.

A small crowd was gathering watching as a group of performers danced to traditional Puerto rican music. We took a seat on a log near the back of the bonfire and watched the dancers, enjoying the live music. It was starting to get a little cold so we huddled close together and wrapped our arms around each other whilst we listened. For about ten minutes as we watched in peace, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. However something disrupted that.

"Hey would you like to buy a flan pudin de coco?" A young man carrying a tray of desserts approached us. Neither of us were sure what a flan pudin de coco was but I could tell it was some sort of dessert, lavished with cream, bananas, chocolate. It looked great but I could tell it would be enough to freak Jade out.

"No thank you." Jade declined politely. I was impressed. In the past this sort of situation would have either spooked her or she would have been inclined to rip the head of the person offering her it.

"It's good. I think you'll enjoy." The man insisted.

"No. I don't think so." Jade replied, sounding a little more agitated.

"You take it?" Jade shook her head but the man pushed the dessert in front of her and that's when I stepped in. That was not ok. No one forced food towards Jade.

"She said no." I said sternly, holding Jade tight around the waist. "Take it away."

"But—" The young man began to argue but I was most definitely not in the mood

"I'll find your boss and tell him you're harassing us if you don't take this away right now." I continued forcefully. Quickly the sales person picked up the dessert and scarpered. One quick glance at Jade confirmed to me she needed a minute. I kept quiet and just stroked the side of her waist gently. I could feel the tension in her body and I knew after ten minutes and she still hadn't relaxed, it was time to leave.

Luckily once we got back to the villa Jade seemed to have pulled herself together. That situation was exactly the sort of thing that would have triggered a huge relapse not even a couple of years ago, provoking a massive binge and purge session or worse lethal dosages of emetics and more than likely would have ended in one of us forcing her into Valewood. I asked her for a number as soon as we got in and she said three. (one being ideal, five being a strong urge.)

We immediately went into damage control and put on our comfiest clothes and found a movie to watch for the rest of the evening. I locked the kitchen cupboards and made us each a cup of green tea. I wasn't upset this had happened but more annoyed that that man had been so assertive and forceful with her. We almost made it our entire honeymoon ED free but some jackass stomped all over that. And I know he didn't near understand the complexity of the situation he had stepped into, but no means no. She said no twice. He should have respected that.

"Did I look like I wanted it?" Jade asked me nervously as she entered the kitchen. She has extremely strict rules in her head when it comes to hunger and what's acceptable and what's not. It's really weird and I've never understood it but the thought of appearing hungry to strangers makes Jade's skin crawl.

"No baby." I told her truthfully, handing her a mug of tea. She accepting the tea and blew on it before taking a sip.

"I probably looked all over it." Jade continued, sounding anxious.

"No I think you made it very clear you didn't want it." I reaffirmed. She still looked upset so I decided to let her rant all her worries to me about what happened. She was particularly freaked out with why he was trying to give her dessert, whether he could see it in her eyes that she was hungry or he somehow picked up on the fact she was weak and couldn't resist it. They were all negative eating disorder voices but it's better she gets these thoughts out of her head rather than letting them sit and multiply so I let her go on. Some of her rationalisations were bizarre but the honest truth is, he just wanted money.

"Let's stop thinking about this okay?" I suggested after a while.

"Okay." Jade sighed, nodding. We finished our tea then returned to the living room where we curled up together and watched Chicago. The musical was a good idea because we both sang along to all the songs and ended up laughing hysterically. Jade made a joke about me in the prisoners costume and somehow we ended up topless and in character, I don't even know. We went straight upstairs to bed the second the movie ended and I let Jade have her way with me. We've done stuff like this before but tonight was _really_ intense. I suspect Jade threw herself into the role of prison guard quite so seriously because it was distracting her from whatever urges she was still feeling. Lets just say, I'm never going to be able to watch Chicago the same way again.

Luckily we managed to avoid a full blown relapse of bulimia tonight but it scares me how close Jade dances on the edge of it sometimes. Sadly she's been struggling to make that final push into complete recovery for almost ten years. Neither of us are sure it will ever happen, but as long as we know how to deal with the urges and triggers then it's ok. We can live with it. Plus there's always role-play sex. (just kidding.)

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06/15/2021.

I'm writing this journal entry from the sky! No seriously, we're on the plane back home right now and Jade's asleep on my shoulder. Or at least I think she's asleep but there's a high chance she's not since I can feel her smiling and laughing as I write this. Whatever Jade, you can read this one. Our honeymoon has officially come to an end and we're now properly starting our marriage. I am sad that the honeymoon is over but I'm also very excited about where married life is going to take us, where our path will go. Babies? Maybe. Jades laughing again.. It's so much harder to find non-dorkish things to say when someones watching you! But no seriously I would love a baby. We haven't discussed how we'd do it yet but Jade's got too much maternal instinct for us not to have a child. We'll have to see.

Anyway back to today. Jade got up first this morning, took a shower, and then went to make us both breakfast. I was relieved that she hadn't let what happened last night effect her eating. She came back five minutes later for the key I'd used to lock all the cupboards and I thought I saw a flicker of amusement when I pulled it out of the bra I'd been wearing.

We only had a light breakfast of french toast and coffee because we have a long flight back home and neither of us are particularly amazing travellers. Once we'd eaten we finished packing the last of our belongings up and checked we hadn't missed anything. A car picked us up at 11am to take us to the airport.

We got recognised a few times in the airport so we got a couple or pictures and signed a few autographs. I even met someone who had some of the song lyrics from one of my very first singles tattooed around their ankle. Jade was extremely interested in that and took pictures and was asking about the pain level. The fan who was I think was called Veronica could barely answer any of her questions apparently overwhelmed that I was stood there and that Jade was touching her ankle. When we left I overheard her saying something about never washing her ankle again. Oh god..

There's an hour until we land back in LA and I can't wait to give our friends and family the souvenirs we bought them and tell them all about the honeymoon. This was probably the best holiday of my life. Jades nodding by the way and agreeing it was the best holiday of her life too. Maybe one day we'll go back to Puerto Rico.. who knows? We'll have to see where life takes us.

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**I have chapter 41 written so leave a review and I'll update today :D x****  
**


	41. Chapter 41

**Ahh the support you guys have given me for this story is overwhelming and so, so much more than I ever expected. Thank you everyone who reads and reviews :)**

**Jade's sort of in limbo in this chapter. It's looking up but she's still not so far from the ground. It's very bitter sweet and she's frustrated because she wants to get better right now! She wants to run to the finish line but there's a few points she can only afford to walk but in all, she's doing great.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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02/10/2013.

Despite Jade eating more than she had in months, she still managed to lose 4 lbs in the time she was home for Christmas. She was forewarned this was likely to happen because although she'd continued with the artificial feeds whilst she was at Beck's, she'd been tube feeding a lot less and she'd also been a lot more active. The weight loss was however an unwelcome reminder to Jade that she wasn't as better as she perhaps thought. She ate as much as she could, but it still wasn't enough.

She was upset about this for a day or two but then it was like she got this sudden surge of strength and she was determined to gain those 4 lbs back. She tried more foods, including fish although she still refuses to eat all other meats. She's been doing extra therapy and exercise as oppose to sitting around in her room. She's trying. I mean _really_ trying. And within the month, she gained the 4 lbs back and then some. Her health is improving so much too. Her heart is doing a lot better and she's gaining muscle. Her eyes look blue again as oppose to dull and bloodshot and the colour has returned to her cheeks and lips. She looks beautiful.

In fact she's done so well this month a couple of days ago she got moved to section C which is the ideal place to be. It's the lowest level of inpatient care before outpatient. If she keeps improving at this rate she'll be out of Valewood by April.

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02/27/2013.

The album is almost finished. I've just got one last song to record before everything goes into production and I start properly performing. I've already picked the first single and I'm insanely excited for it to be released. I know because of my career choiceI'm going to have to spend a lot of time away from LA which does make me worried because.. Jade. I know she's ok without me but I'd still prefer to be here with her. Especially on nights like last night

Jade's been flying through recovery at an extraordinary rate. She felt so good and so positive that neither of us anticipated the relapse. I'm in New York right now working and last night I'd performed three different shows in one night. It was exhausting but exhilarating and honestly whilst I was up there it really did confirm it to me. I want to do this for the rest of my life. The after party was well under way when Jade dropped the bomb. She didn't say anything but around midnight I just received a single text. _White_.

The second I read it I immediately excused myself from the party and got a cab back to my hotel and called her. She didn't answer the first few times but I kept trying until she finally did.

"Hey. What happened baby?" I asked softly.

_"__I don't know." _Jade sighed.

"You've been doing so well, did something trigger it or have you been feeling like this for a while? Why did you do it?" I queried, trying to understand.

_"__Tor if I knew why I did it then I probably wouldn't do it!"_ Jade sounded mad.

"I know, I'm not saying that, but do you have a feeling, can you explain why you did it?"

_"__No I don't fucking have "a feeling." Do you actually think I know why I purge? If I could explain it I would have fucking stopped doing it by now! You just don't get it Tori!"_ Jade screamed, hanging up on me and leaving me feeling really hurt. I sighed and went to get a shower analysing my words over and over and trying to figure out what I'd said wrong. I was just about to get into bed and fall asleep when my phone rang again.

_"__I'm sorry." _Jade apologised the second I picked up the phone.

"I'm sorry I don't get it." I replied bluntly.

_"__I don't want you to get it." _Jade said sadly _"Because if you got it. I'd have broke you."_

"Maybe I don't have to 'get it' to understand Jade. I don't want you to relapse anymore than you do. I want you back with me."

_"__And I want to be back with you."_ Jade said softly. We were silent for a while but we both knew we were still there. I could hear Jade breathing through the phone and could visualise what she looked like. What she always looked like when she was thinking.

_"__I didn't plan it." _Jade broke the silence,_ "I just felt really out of control after therapy today and I binged and I tried to keep it down, but.. I'm so mad at myself."_

"Jade next time you feel like that, call me. I'll talk you out of it." I insisted.

_"__I'm sorry I let you down."_ Jade replied unhappily.

"You haven't." I assured her. We stayed on the phone until late just talking. I'm flying back to LA tomorrow and I'll be straight over to Valewood to see her and fix this. I'm hoping that the relapse was just a minor thing and won't develop into anything serious. She regrets it. A lot. Hopefully she'll be able to just move past it.

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03/14/2013.

Just a quick journal entry today because I don't have much to say other than this. Jade is a healthy weight. After her tiny relapse last month she's not had another slip up and has steadily been gaining weight whilst simultaneously decreasing her tube feeds. She still only eats from a restricted list of foods but I expect that's something that she's going to have to work on when she's an outpatient.

I went to visit Jade this evening and Jade basically jumped on me when I came in the door to tell me. I screamed and we hugged and kissed and ahh it was just an amazing feeling. You'd think we'd won a million dollars we were so ecstatic. But a few pounds on Jade is worth more to me than all the money in the world. She's come so far since she got admitted almost a year ago now. I can't believe it's been that long but the fact she's a healthy weight makes up for it. She's a healthy weight.

Basically the plan now is to maintain her weight, to keep working on the psychological issues behind the eating disorder, and to work towards transitioning to outpatient. Jade is ecstatic to even just hear the word outpatient. She's trying really hard at this and it's like she knows she's so close to getting out of Valewood, she can practically taste the freedom. She's so, _so_ close.

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03/28/2013.

I might have accidentally, almost got kicked out of Valewood today. It's a funny story actually. Well.. it will be funny one day when I get over the total horror and embarrassment. I was visiting Jade, of course. And to be honest I think we should blame her for this one because she started it not me! Anyway it started raining, and I mean full on pouring down with rain unlike anything we usually get in LA. And Jade and I started staring out of the window next to her bed as the rain trickled down the glass.

"I think rain is my favourite weather." Jade said nonchalantly. I furrowed my eyebrows and turned to look at her confused.

"What?!" I asked in disbelief "In what world is this nice weather? Who enjoys going out in the rain?"

"I never said it was nice or that I enjoy being out in it, I just said it's my favourite weather."

"But it's rain." I stated, completely bewildered. "What about sunshine and summer."

"Look at me Tori.. do I look like a person who spends a lot of time in the sun? Do I look like I was designed for that?" I looked Jade up and down and focused on her ice white skin. She does have the palest skin of anyone I know. Maybe her ancestors lived in a cave or somewhere with very little exposure to the light.

"Still it's rain. It's wet, and smells weird, and it's wet and ruins your hair, and oh yeah it's wet." I exclaimed, thinking I'd won the argument.

"Wet can be good." Jade smirked mischievously. The hand that she already had rested on my thigh slid a little higher.

"Jade!" I widened my eyes as her she started rubbing small circles with her thumb, exactly where she knew she could melt me.

"Mmhm?" Jade glanced at me innocently. I exhaled.

"Aren't there cameras in here?"

"No they took them out this morning. Apparently I'm "stable" enough that they don't have to watch me constantly."

"And this is your way of telling me?" I asked, looking from her hand which was still caressing me through my leggings and back at her face. Jade grinned and nodded. I smiled and shuffled forwards until I was sitting on her knee. I went to place my hands on her breasts, but chickened out at the last minute.

"Don't be shy." Jade smirked at me. Her own hands holding me close, not letting me move. My heart was pounding at the thought we could so easily get caught but it was Jade and she'd just riled me up, rubbing me and turning me on. I sighed giving in and slid my hands under her top and up to her chest. She wasn't wearing a bra. She'd planned this on purpose.

"How is it the first weight you gain goes straight to your boobs but no matter what I do, my boobs stay the same?" I asked feeling her already filling out chest. She was smaller than me right now, but it felt like she was growing every day.

"Shut up you. Your boobs are sexy." Jade pecked me on the lips, pulling me in tighter so we were chest to chest. I laughed kissing her back.

"Whats got into you today?"

"Nothing." Jade smirked.

"Alright Miss Horny." I smiled leaning in to kiss her again. We kissed and kissed and soon that turned into a full on make out session. We slowly lowered ourselves backwards onto the bed and I was on top of Jade. I'd never been on top of her, literally. She'd always been too small I was scared I'd crush her with my weight but today it felt amazing.

"Take my top off" Jade demanded.

"Okay." She arched her back helping me to remove the item of clothing. As soon as she was topless she undid the buttons on my shirt pulling my top off too. Her breasts were out, I was in my bra and we were making out. We just kept kissing, grinding against each other and moaning quietly. The sound of the rain hammering outside, the only soundtrack to our make out session. We were completely caught in the moment, neither of us noticed the knock at the door until it was too late.

What makes it worse. It wasn't even just one person, it was three. A female psychiatrist and two male doctors. One of whom looked about fifty. I wanted to curl up and die. Needless to say we got dressed in seconds and we both got a stern talking to about this being a psychiatric facility. Luckily they let us off with a warning. Jade seems to think that the whole incident is really funny. I guess it is kind of funny. But if she thinks she's getting any kind of sexual pleasure at Valewood again she is dreaming. I'll never get over that embarrassment.

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04/12/2013.

I went with Jade to hospital today to get her feeding tube out and jesus christ it was not what I expected at all. The nutritionist at Valewood confirmed she didn't need it anymore and can fully sustain herself orally now. She asked me to come because she knew it would hurt and of course I said yes without really researching it or what it actually entailed. After months of taking care of basically an open wound in her stomach and assuring we didn't pull it, or tug it. The last thing I expected was for the doctor to literally yank it out.

A guy called David who works at Valewood accompanied Jade to the hospital and I met them near the entrance. Jade looked extremely pale and nervous about this but I didn't think anything of it, I just thought she was worrying about nothing. We didn't have to wait too long for her appointment and as soon as we entered the room, the doctor instructed Jade to lay down on the hospital bed and roll her top up.

The feeding tube was taped in six places to her stomach and as soon as Jade was on the bed, the doctor began to peel the tape off. I could easily tell from how quiet Jade had gone and how fast her breathing was that she was frightened, so I gave her my hand and felt her squeeze it tight. Once all the tape was removed a nurse cleaned the area around the hole and the doctor explained to Jade exactly what was going to happen. He was going to cover her stomach as much as possible with a towel and then firmly pull the tube out. He told her she would feel a sharp pain but it wouldn't prolong. Jade nodded but looked terrified.

When the doctor placed the towel over her stomach and I immediately felt Jades palm start to sweat and her grip tighten. The doctor began to count and on three, I watched him pull firmly at the tube. I had to turn away because it was so brutal but within a couple of seconds I heard a loud pop.

"Ow!" Jade shouted covering her mouth with her free palm and squeezing hard with the other that held onto me.

"All done Jade." The doctor informed her, taking the gauze from the nurse and pressing firmly on the hole in her stomach. My eyes were wide as I could not believe that was the standard procedure to remove gastric tubes. It was disturbing! Jade started to cry and immediately I stopped caring about how gross it was and just cared about Jade. Her grip on my hand was extremely tight and she had her eyes closed panting quickly in and out.

"Baby it's out. You're all done. You did it." I kissed her cheek softly.

"Oww!" Jade wailed, evidently still feeling a lot of pain. I bent down and cuddled her from the chest up, rubbing her arm and whispering in her ear whilst the doctor continued to bandage up the wound.

"This should close up within 24-48 hours. It may leak a little but that's normal. You can eat as usual and although it will be a little tender for a while you shouldn't feel a lot of pain after a couple of hours." The doctor told her monotonously. He left within the next few minutes, seeming in a hurry to get to the next patient. It made me slightly angry because it felt like he hadn't been caring at all towards her. He just ripped it out as fast as possible.

"Do you feel lightheaded or are you ok to get going then Jade?" David asked, a lot more sensitively.

"I'm ok." Jade sniffed, wiping her eyes. David and I held her hands and helped her up onto her feet. She winced a little when she sat up but once she was upright she seemed ok. We must have been in the hospital for a maximum of ten minutes, it was over so fast. As we began to walk back to the car I squeezed Jade's hand supportively and she gave me a weak smile.

"At least you can tick that off your recovery checklist." I said gently.

"Uh huh." Jade sniffed. Focusing on breathing. I think we were both a little shell shocked to be honest. For some reason I had imagined them just gently sliding it out. I didn't realise they would pull it like that.

"How are you feeling?" I asked softly.

"Never again." Jade croaked, shaking her head. "Please never let me get that again."

"Ok." I said strongly. "Never again." I truly believed that when I said it. She did not like anything about that tube. She hated how it looked, how it felt, what it represented. Even the relief of having it out didn't really hit her until hours later; the trauma and pain of getting it out overwhelming her completely. I hope _never again_ turns out to be true. Feeding tubes aren't funny or comfortable or anything to be proud of. As long as she's healthy and eating right, I'll fight with her so that she never has to get a feeding tube ever again.

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**Sorry for all the ugly details! x**


	42. Chapter 42

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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04/19/2013.

It's been a week since Jade had the feeding tube out and she's doing well, better than immediately after the procedure anyway. I guess I get why she was initially upset. She had a tube ripped out of a part of her body. And yes she hated it, yes she desperately wanted it out, but that tube saved her life. I visited her the evening after the feeding tube was removed and she just broke down and cried repeating; it really hurt. I hugged her and kissed her and told her it was all over but it was obvious she'd been slightly traumatised. I helped her remove the bandage to clean it and she gasped devastated when she saw the hole properly.

"Oh Jade." I wrapped my arm around her back. She flinched nervous and I was extra careful, reassuring her I wouldn't touch it. I watched on as she cleaned the wound and then I helped her replace the gauze and bandage. She was so sad.

"I hate it." Jade confessed, sniffing and wiping her eyes.

"It's not that bad?" I told her honestly.

"Tori I have a huge, ugly hole in me!" Jade exclaimed.

"You haven't. It will heal up and it will be a tiny, tiny scar." I reassured her. Jade scoffed and crossed her arms putting herself in a really foul mood for the rest of the evening. She was short and snappy and I couldn't say anything right but I stayed with her anyway, keeping her company. I figured it was a good sign she's getting her temper back. Glimpses of her old personality occur more and more frequently now, as though she has more time to be herself when she's not constantly thinking about diets, triggers and her weight. But this felt a bit different it was like.. a mood swing.

She'll probably kill me if she ever finds out I wrote this down, but I feel like I owe you the explanation. Basically she got her period. She says it's a bad one and I believe her because she was so ill with cramps until the doctor prescribed her some medication to relieve them. The doctor explained that the first couple will most likely be painful until she gets "regular" again but to be honest we were just relieved it happened. There was always the chance they'd never start again and she'd be infertile which would be really sad. It also knocks the anorexia diagnosis out and puts her right back in remission. It's a huge step forward to normalcy, in a health sense.

In other news, the feeding tube wound has (as promised) quickly healed. It still looks kind of bruised and sore and it's obvious the scar will be permanent but it definitely looks a lot less prominent than a plastic feeding tube sticking out of her. I know Jade's still unhappy about it. I've caught her looking at it and tearing up. I don't really understand it, she never got this upset about the heart surgery scar. I think she feels like the feeding tube scar is an unnecessary scar, like something she inflicted on herself. I disagree. The feeding tube was medically needed and definitely the right decision at the time.

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04/27/2013.

So today was a crazy day! My first single has a release date (July 27th) and my album (September 2nd). Eeeeep! I can't believe after everything, it's finally complete. I went into studio this morning and took Andre with me and we listened to each track individually to finalise the order of the songs. I'm going to be on promotion for the next few months. Mason planned a couple of crazy promotional stunts but luckily I've managed to avoid doing them so far and I'm just going to do the normal promotional events. Interviews, performances, photoshoots... I mean me! What even?! I've even started to get a small fan base who are amazing. But it still doesn't feel like I'm a real singer or anything yet, I just feel the same.

I gave a copy of the unreleased album on a memory stick to Jade last night and we listened to it together. I was so embarrassed which she thought was hilarious. I am proud of the album of course, it's just that Jade's opinion really means everything to me. She told me on a couple of the tracks that she liked that one or she really liked that one but she didn't really say much else until the end.

"I can't believe you made this, this year!" Jade exclaimed.

"Well… yeah." I blushed, still dying to hear her opinion. Jade looked impressed and took the stick out of the little speakers Jenn got her for Christmas to give back to me.

"Oh no, you can keep it, if you want to, I mean you don't have to keep it if you don't like it or whatever but it's yours if you do." I babbled embarrassed.

"I'd like that." Jade smirked amused, and put the memory stick in her bedside table. She sat back up and looked at my terrified expression with a glimmer of fun in her eyes.

"Come here." She gestured me closer. I did as she said, sitting down next to her on the bed. She wrapped her arms around my waist slipped her legs in between mine, pushing herself up until she was on top of me.

"I'm so fucking proud of you." Jade whispered into my ear.

"You liked it?" I confirmed, shocked more by her actions than by her words.

"I loved it. You're amazing Tori. Your voice has always been stunning but seriously, this is gorgeous. There's no way everyone won't love you. I'm going to have to fight all the guys off aren't I?"

"Well as long as you love me then I'm happy either way." I giggled happily.

"You're going to be famous." Jade said, making my heart pound in a sort of terror.

"Yeah I doubt it." I shook my head, but Jade raised an eyebrow.

"Don't forget about me when everyone wants your autograph." Jade warned me half serious.

"Never." I cuddled up to her and kissed her lips. Jade smiled and I felt her slip her hands under my butt, pressing our bodies together. I was so relieved she liked the album. I needed her to like it to give me the confidence to sing it.

We carried on making out for a while, kissing and touching each other. Jade's getting her curves back, like actual curvy curves. Not that I care about her shape.. but it's nice to not hold her and just feel skinny all the time, she looks and feels like a woman again. And I'm not going to lie, she's hot.

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05/05/2013.

Okay so today was complicated. Jade's not under section anymore which means legally she can leave inpatient whenever she wants, but she's made the decision to stay a while longer. I didn't ask her for a reason why she chose that. I want her to leave when she feels ready. But it is exciting. She could literally make the decision to come back home any day now and I'm more than ready for her to do that.

Luckily the complication happened without Jade present. I was signing out after visiting her on Sunday afternoon and the door to the staff offices opened and Jenn and James both left looking vexed.

"Hello." I smiled confused, wondering why they'd both been called in together. Jade at least hadn't mentioned it to me if she knew about it.

"Hi sweetheart." Jenn forced a smile, before turning back to James who was heading towards the exit. "Hey don't you dare go anywhere!"

"What now?" James groaned.

"When did you last visit your daughter? You have the audacity to argue with me that you want her living with you and then you don't even see her when you have the chance to." Jenn scoffed.

"I imagine Jade's busy." James said plainly.

"No she finished therapy this morning and she was planning on just hanging out with some other residents and watching a movie tonight. I'm sure she'd rather see you." I added my bit receiving a sigh from James and an encouraging expression from Jenn.

"Fine." James rolled his eyes, "Which way is Jade's room these days?"

"C4." Jenn raised an eyebrow. Obviously he was stretching the truth when he told Dr. Taye that he visited her 'all the time.' The stern man turned in the direction of section C and left. Jenn sighed turning back in my direction.

"What was that all about?" I asked interestedly.

"Valewood want to know where Jade will be living when she gets out." Jenn explained, "James wants her back in his house, I think she'd be better with me."

"What does Jade want?" I asked. My first thoughts were her, obviously.

"We haven't asked her yet but I know she won't want to be ignored, neglected, left to cope with this all by herself." Jenn pointed out. Her eyes had a fire in them I hadn't seen many times before. "He's not present Tori. He never has been. I can't sit back and watch him undo her recovery. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry, you care about her. I do think you should talk to Jade about this though." I suggested. In my opinion she's well enough to make her own decision on this. She also turns nineteen this year, she's not a child anymore.

"I'll talk to her but I do think she needs to be in a more supportive environment than that house, at least at first." Jenn insisted, "I spoke to Lara last week and she doesn't seem to have a clue what's going on. Her words not mine.. "She's got that like weight loss obsession thingy."

"Oh god." I rolled my eyes.

"See why I'm worried?"

"I do." I nodded in agreement, "But I still stand by Jade. I'll go with whatever she decides." Jenn sighed but gave me a smile anyway. I don't know if my answer is really what she wanted to hear but it's what I'm doing. I'm not going to fight with Jade about where she lives when she gets out of Valewood. She's already apprehensive about the whole thing. She doesn't need me, or Jenn, or anybody telling her she's more likely to relapse in one place or another. She just needs us to support her through it, wherever she is.

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**Do you think Jenn is right to be worried? Should Tori fight more to get Jade to live with Jenn? or should Jade move back home?**

**Thanks to everyone who reviews!**


	43. Chapter 43

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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05/25/2013.

Today was a really.. momentous day. I went to visit Jade and she immediately asked me if I wanted to go for a walk down the garden. Valewood has a big grassy area out back with a path that goes all around, but we hadn't walked it in a long time. We started on the track and it literally gave me flashbacks. When Jade first returned here after the heart attack she'd had to walk this route every few days to help build up her muscle. The first time I did it with her, she'd been too exhausted to make it all the way round and we had to call someone to help. A few weeks later and the short walk took us an entire hour. Today it only took us fifteen minutes.

We completed our walk and were about to go back inside when Jade noticed one of the girls sat in the garden who was crying. She had an NG tube and was so unbelievably skinny and Jade went over and talked to her for a little while. It hurt my heart a little bit to know even though Jade was doing so much better there were still people here that were suffering with this, who weren't anywhere near recovery. I sat down on a bench waiting for Jade to come back. When she did, she sat down next to me and I wrapped my arm around her and kissed her on the cheek.

"That was nice of you." I told her honestly.

"Well she needed help. She's sad, and I know how it feels to be that sad so." Jade shrugged.

"I know." I nodded, leaning my head on her shoulder, "Proud of you."

"Proud of you too." She smiled, kissing my hair. We were silent for a long time just looking at the garden and holding each other. I think I already knew what she was going to say, I just had a feeling about it. But I wasn't holding my breath.

"I think I'm ready to come home." Jade said quietly.

"Yeah?" I asked, still slightly in disbelief. Jade nodded and I gave her a massive hug. She laughed and told me she'd been ready for a while, she just needed to make sure. I told her I completely understood and I was happy she'd waited. She told me she'd been for a meeting with Dr. Taye and they agreed it was time for her to go. She's not better but she's the best she's going to get in inpatient. She needs to get back into the real world and start living life again. I don't like to say she's wasted a year because it wasn't a waste but she's had a year out and sort of got left behind. All our friends are either in college or working. I'm glad she'll finally get the chance to catch up with everyone.

* * *

05/28/2013.

There's only five more days until Jade comes home from Valewood, but where home is exactly.. still hasn't been decided. Jenn and James have been rowing a lot about it actually but at the end of the day, it's Jade's decision. They both live in huge houses, basically round the corner from each other and approximately half an hour away from Valewood.

Dr. Taye has recommended day-patient treatment for Jade which means four days a week for at least six months, she'll be in Valewood for therapy and lunch and then gradually they'll reduce it until she's ready for outpatient treatment only. This is one of the reasons why Jenn wants Jade with her. Jade is doing amazing considering where she was a few months ago but even she knows her diet isn't good enough yet. She needs a lot of support during meals and distractions afterwards to help with the urges. Jenn doesn't think Jade will get that living with James. She already relapsed last time she left Valewood to live with him and she just can't afford another one this time.

However it is Jade's choice and at the moment she's leaning more towards living with her Dad. I think she feels like Jenn has already done enough for her but that's just not how this situation works. Jenn sees Jade as family. She would do anything to look after her.

"I just never thought moving in with Jenn was an option." Jade explained her worries to me last night whilst we both cuddled together in her bed "I'm sorry if this is selfish I just really want my own space."

"You're not being selfish." I assured her. "You want you're own space and that's natural but I'm sure that if you choose to live with Jenn, she'll give you that."

"Sam and Charlie—" Jade sighed.

"Live just around the corner. You can still go round and see them all the time." I pointed out.

"They've lived without me for so long, I feel so, so bad. Sam thinks I've abandoned him." Jade confessed despondently.

"If the only thing compelling you to move back in with your Dad is your brothers then have to reconsider. You _need_ to think about what's healthiest for you right now."

"I just don't know." Jade groaned, looking at me helplessly "What do you think?"

"Well.. I think there are positives and negatives to both." I said, trying to remain neutral about this. "But at the end of the day, where do you think you'll feel happiest and most supported?"

"With Jenn." Jade sighed. "But I want to go home. I want my room back and my things. I'm sick of feeling like I don't have a place of my own."

"Have you talked to Jenn about this?" I asked, wrapping an arm around Jades shoulders.

"In a way." Jade drew a circle on my thigh with her finger and sighed. "Why is nothing simple?"

"Nothing's ever simple. But you don't have to let it stress you out." I kissed her on the cheek. Jade looked perplexed but didn't disagree with me. We went round and round on the 'home' discussion for about an hour before I advised that she slept on it. I'm not sure completely sure which she'll pick yet, but at the moment I think she's leaning towards her Dad. Like I said, I'll stand by her whatever she chooses. But I do wish she felt different.

* * *

06/02/2013.

"Before we release Jade we have a list of things that need to happen so that the transition is as safe and successful as possible." Dr. Taye spoke firmly to James West. You've probably already figured this out but Jade decided to move back home with her Dad. Which explains why James was sitting in this meeting on the morning of her release. I wasn't technically supposed to hear this but I sat close enough so I could overhear the conversation.

"The main concern we have is that Jade's still got very prominent urges to purge food. We'll be monitoring her weight and progress here in the outpatient facility so don't panic if relapse does occur. She's more likely to struggle with urges and relapses now whilst she's transitioning back to full control of her diet than any other time." Dr. Taye explained.

"So you're saying she definitely will relapse." James furrowed his brows.

"Nothing is definite with this but I am saying be prepared for a couple of set backs." Dr Taye continued, "Now I'm sorry if you find any of this upsetting but Jade has admitted to us that she has several doses of laxatives, ipecac, diet pills and salt solutions in your house. If possible, find and remove all of those. She also has a box under her bed she calls her binge box which holds several accessories that she used when purging. Jade says you don't have to get rid of it but I would strongly recommend you do, because we suspect she has an unhealthy attachment to it." Dr Taye continued, looking through Jades very thick medical file.

"Bathroom doors.. it's up to you but removing locks might deter her from purging for the fear of people walking in." She suggested,

"Inconvenient." James dismissed that suggestion much to my disgust. I saw a flicker of alarm cross Dr. Taye's face when he said that too. Of all the things Jade would try to hide the most it would be the bulimia, because she's embarrassed of it. Calling it inconvenient was just cruel.

"How much food should I insist she eats?" James demanded. At this point I knew he had absolutely no idea what he was dealing with.

"Well I wouldn't insist she eats anything." Dr. Taye raised an eyebrow, "Jade likes cooking her own food so I'd go along with that. If she doesn't cook or you notice she's not eaten in a while I'd offer to cook her something or remind her its a mealtime, but never force her to eat anything. The best thing you can offer her is a safe place. If she eats a full plate then great. If she eats two bites then decides she's had enough, fine. If she eats too much and throws up, obviously it's not ideal but we move on. She needs to sort of figure it out for herself but obviously if she starts drastically losing weight we'll bring her back in."

"More inpatient treatment." James rolled his eyes. Dr. Taye ignored him this time.

"Also I'd watch out for binges, if she looks like she's suddenly eating a lot more, I'd pull her aside and confront her on it. Ask her if she plans of keeping it down. Hopefully the confrontation itself will be enough to deter her from it." Dr Taye closed the file and smiled. "That's it then. I wish you all the best."

I scooted away from the door all the time a little voice in my head repeating, _shit. _Something about this felt so, so wrong. James came out carrying a large information folder from the psychiatrist that I doubted he'd actually read but I forced myself to smile when he came over and sat down next to me.

"Jade will be here in a few minutes with her suitcase." James informed me.

"Okay.. great." I nodded anxiously. I watched him write down ipecac? and I realised he had no idea what it was. I wanted to scream or give him a lesson or something but it was too late for that. We just sat there in silence waiting for Jade to come out. When she did she was with Ben and another staff member, a woman who I vaguely recognised as a dietician but I wasn't sure.

"Alright take care of yourself Jade." Ben gave Jade a big hug.

"Thank you Ben for everything." I overheard Jade say.

"Hey, you aren't getting away from me that easy. I'll see you next week in SEERS?" Ben confirmed, Jade nodded. The other woman handed her a food plan and some other sheets that she was told to fill in and bring back on Monday. Jade nodded and gave her a hug too. It was obvious that the staff had an emotional investment in Jade too. They want this to work as much as we do. The woman released Jade from her arms and gestured towards me and her Dad.

"Oh my God! What are you doing here?" Jade ran over to give me a hug. "I thought you had a meeting?" I wrapped my arms around her, temporarily forgetting about how hopeless her father seemed to be.

"I wasn't going to miss seeing you leave this place so I rescheduled it for later." I replied, pecking her lips happily.

"Alright come on girls.. lets get going." James took the suitcase from Jade and led the way to the exit. Jade rolled her eyes but smiled taking hold of my hand and we walked together out of the reception. Several other members of staff stopped us on the way out to say goodbye to Jade and to wish her good luck and give her advice. I thought it was really nice but James was getting tired of it. In fact he went on ahead to put the suitcase in the trunk whilst Jade had a slightly emotional goodbye to one of the other residents. Eventually we followed him to the car. When we both climbed in the back of her Dad's immaculate Mercedes I couldn't help but frown when he scolded her for "dilly dallying". She'd been there thirteen months, she had every right to say goodbye to people.

When we got to her house, James went away to finish some work so it was just us. I helped Jade carry the large suitcase of her things upstairs to her bedroom which looked, weirdly, exactly the same as it did when we'd both last been there. I felt slightly uncomfortable that her Dad hadn't done a thing to even clean up in here. Evidence of that last fatal binge lay around including wrappers in the bin and an empty bottle of ipecac syrup on the bedside table.

"Phew I didn't think we'd get that up here for a minute then." I exhaled, trying to distract Jade from the surroundings. I looked up and Jade was just looking around, extremely quiet in comparison to how happy and bubbly she was before.

"Are you alright?" I confirmed. Jade nodded.

"Are you sure?" I asked suspiciously.

"Yeah it's just _very_ weird being back here again." she sat down on the bed next to me and took hold of my hand. "I'm happy though."

"Good." I smiled and kissed her. We spent the next hour or so just unpacking her things and tidying up her bedroom. Doubting that James would remove everything Valewood told him to, I did it. I uncovered twenty six different bottles of various poisons and I'm not even going to go into what was in that 'binge box' because it was disturbing. I discretely threw everything into a trash bag when Jade wasn't looking and took the bag away with me. I'm going to have to look again though because I'm sure I'll have missed some, they were nearly always hidden in a weird place, for example there were diet pills in the lampshade and some sort of emetine inside the bedpost. I can only assume she put them there either because she was ashamed or to keep them out of reach of Sam and Charlie.

Eventually I had to leave to get to the studio for my meeting. I felt a little weird about leaving Jade there since James seemed to have disappeared but she reassured me she was just going to make lunch and then watch tv. I kissed her goodbye and told her I'd phone her tonight and then left.

Jades out of Valewood and that's a really, really good thing. So why do I feel so weird about it? Why do I have this sinking feeling in my stomach and almost guilt like pounding in my chest. Maybe I'm overthinking this. It's normal to worry, I just don't know it it's normal to be this worried about her.

* * *

06/03/2013.

So I'm writing this journal entry from Jades bed. She's snuggled up to my left arm and hugging it so I apologise if my handwriting is difficult to read, but don't go thinking I'm going to drop Jades arm because having her cuddle up to me is the best feeling in the world. Especially now.

To say I regret my decision to leave Jade alone yesterday, is a huge understatement. My heart dropped when I checked my phone after my meeting with my producer to find six missed calls from Beck and a text explaining that Jade had come over and was upset. I immediately jumped in my car and called him back right away.

"Hey what's wrong. Is Jade okay?" I asked panicked.

"She's fine now, don't worry. Just come over to mine if you can." Beck said calmly. I hung up the phone and drove there as fast as possible. I didn't know exactly what had happened but I knew she wouldn't have left for help unless she was desperate. When I arrived, I pulled up in the drive and rang the doorbell. Beck answered and seeing my nervous expression he gave me a reassuring hug.

"What's going on?" I asked nervously.

"I'm not sure to be honest. I think she had a change of heart." Beck shrugged, "She's in the living room."

"Thanks." I headed straight in to the living room and as Beck promised, Jade was curled up in the corner of the couch watching tv and seeming slightly lost.

"Hey." I said gently, sitting down next to her. Jade didn't say anything but I felt her snuggle up to me as though she'd been waiting for me to come. I decided not to speak until she was ready to explain what was going on.

"I got scared." Jade confessed after some time.

"Why were you scared?" I asked calmly, noticing her eyes begin to well up, choking slightly on her words.

"I don't know." Jade shook her head, letting a couple of tears fall down her cheeks.

"I think you do.. come on you can talk to me." I wiped a tear from her cheek.

"I can't live in that house or that room. I thought I wanted my old house back but being there is just one big bad memory." Jade confessed in tears. I was surprised because she had seemed determined to go home. I guess being there was different. I could remove all the eating disorder triggers and 'accessories' but I couldn't remove the memories.

"What do you want to do?" I asked gently.

"I want to go back to Valewood." Jade said immediately. I exhaled and rubbed soothing circles on her back, she seemed so sure that was the only place she could be safe. I wasn't sure the attachment was good for her anymore.

"Jade remember how you felt at the start of Christmas?" I reminded her softly "It was exactly like this and it got better right? And this is the same, it will get easier I promise."

"What do I do?" Jade sniffed, leaning on me.

"What exactly happened at your house?" I asked with a sigh. I needed to know what we were dealing with here. Had she relapsed? Had James upset her? or something else.

"Nothing happened. I just couldn't find any food I liked so I skipped lunch and then I felt guilty for skipping lunch and then there's this mirror in my room—" Jade trailed off upset "I didn't purge but god I felt like it."

"Right. Okay don't go back home. Just stay here." I said firmly. "I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going home with your Dad in the first place it wasn't a good idea."

"It's too late to live here now." Jade shook her head.

"It's definitely not. Where is Jenn? I'm sure she'd let you live here if you just ask." I replied immediately,

"Work," Jade sniffed. "But I can't just move in."

"Jade what are you talking about, of course you can," Beck entered the room and sat down on the couch across from us. "In fact, I think Mom really wants you to live with us. She was moping around all week after you chose your Dad. I think she was looking forward to having a girl in the house to do a bunch of girly things with." Beck warned.

Jade laughed and I wrapped my arm around her waist smiling. "See?"

"Are you sure?" Jade confirmed with Beck.

"A million trillion percent sure." Beck promised. Jade exhaled relieved and stood up to give Beck a hug. He hugged her back and kissed her on the cheek before releasing her from his arms. "This is your house too ok? You can always come here."

Jade wiped her eyes, sighing. "All my things—"

"My Mom will be back in a few minutes and me and Tori will go get some essentials whilst you two sort out dinner. Does that sound ok?" Beck found the perfect solution. She wouldn't be forced back in her house, she would get some food inside her and she could talk to Jenn about all this.

Obviously when Jenn got home from work Jenn told Jade all the same reassurances Beck had. That she could always come here, that it was her home too. As soon as she realised Jade had skipped lunch she wasted no time making food she knew Jade liked and then spent the rest of the evening reading through the information folder Valewood had given James and when I came back today, locks had been removed on the main bathrooms. It's obvious Jenn is really trying for her. It feels a lot more reassuring than yesterday with James.

So yes I'm in Jades bedroom but not her old bedroom, her new bedroom. She still has a long way to go and I know I say that _all_ the time but I feel like that's just life sometimes. Everything in life is a journey and we're all just travelling along, doing our best to keep on the road. I think she'll be okay now. I have a good feeling about her living here. It's good to have her back.

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**Review if you like. x**


	44. Chapter 44

**I'm gonna knock the content rating up to an M because I went slightly smutty in part of this.. I don't know :P I'm not going to make a habit out of it but I felt like it fitted with this chapter. Hope I don't scare any of you away because there's still about 20 chapters left to go! I have no idea how it got this long but yeah :P I hope you guys aren't bored.**

** P.s. If you are offended by the M bit, I probably won't do much more in later chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

06/17/2013.

Hellooo journal! How are you? Wait.. what am I doing talking to a diary. Blah ignore me I'm in a weird mood tonight. Anyway, I guess I owe you an update on how everything's been going. These past two weeks I've been spending a lot of time with Jade. I guess in a way it is because she needs me but if I'm being honest, I think I just like being around her. I don't know if I say it enough but I'm in love Jade. I love her and I love being with her and now she's not confined to the timetable and restrictions of Valewood Eating Recovery Center, it's nice to spend time together whenever we want to.

Jenn and Mark have been actual stars over these last two weeks. They've gone above and beyond to make things comfortable for Jade and are slowly helping her back into some sort of routine. It's really about getting the balance between giving her her own space and at the same time offering her loads and loads of support.

After the slightly wobbly start, Jade's done much better. She's sticking to her food plan, drives herself to Valewood for day-treatment and has spent a lot of time just meeting up with her friends and brothers. It doesn't sound like much but oh god it's such a relief to see her happy. She's been slightly more anxious at meal times, taking longer to eat than she had at Valewood and there's been a couple of moments she's felt completely out of control but I think that's just a matter of time and getting used to the new living situation.

One of the most surprising things I've learned about Jade since we started dating is you can actually make her feel a lot better with a simple hug. Whenever she's felt unhappy or worried about being out, a quick cuddle from me or Jenn can reassure her. She's very sensitive to touch which is maybe why she's avoided it for so long. But at the end of the day she likes being hugged. (Just don't tell too many people.)

Besides getting her car back, being allowed to decorate her room was a really positive step forwards for her. The spare room was nice but it was exactly that, a spare room. I went with Jade to the home store to buy her some things to decorate with and in the end she went for a white and navy colour scheme. Jenn, Beck, Andre helped her wallpaper and paint, and with the help of Sam and Charlie we moved the last of her belongings into her new room. By the time we were done, the spare room was transformed into a very elegant, Jade-like and adult bedroom.

"Is this better?" I asked, sitting down on the centre on the queen bed, now lavished in navy blue cushions.

"So much better." Jade smiled, straddling my knee and kissing me. I wrapped my hands around her waist and caressed her body with my palms but after a couple of minutes we both lay back on the bed holding each other and kissing.

"Thank you for my room." Jade said, between heated kisses.

"You're welcome." I felt her smile into my mouth as I cheekily unhooked her bra. "If it makes you feel better, it's worth it." I said honestly.

"You know what else makes me feel better?" Jade whispered huskily into my ear, leaning down to kiss my neck "This, and this, and this."

Jade continued kissing further down my body until her lips reached my slightly exposed cleavage. I couldn't hold in my weak moan anymore, making Jade smirk even more. We kissed a lot and took off our clothes, moaning, sucking and even biting each other gently until before long, we were completely naked under the sheets.

"Mmm Jade, you're really wet." I moaned between kisses.

"Shhh." Jade giggled, sucking on my breasts. I gasped when Jade stuck a finger inside me and began to pump slowly, I wasn't expecting it but it felt so good.

"More." I demanded desperately.

"More?" Jade teased.

"Mmmhm." I bit my lip, moaning as Jade inserted two fingers inside me and began to move faster. I tried to hold in my moans of pleasure but it got too hard when she started rubbing my clit. That was more than enough to push me right over the edge and I orgasmed tightly around her. But it was like she was relentless and she kept rubbing me right where I was most sensitive and I came again and again until I was practically begging her to stop.

"Shhh." Jade warned me as I squirmed my body in desperation. Eventually I came down from the feeling of her fingers inside me and quietened down.

"You're really good at that." I exhaled. Jade smirked as I continued to catch my breath, kissing my cheek softly. I was so tired but I wasn't letting her get away with that.

"Now you." I sat in between her legs and gently spread them apart, sliding two fingers inside her and curling them upwards. Jade exhaled and leant back as I repeated the action over and over. She closed her eyes and I felt her legs began to quiver and I knew it was now or never. Feeling daring, I placed my mouth against her most intimate area and began to lick, and suck, and swirl my tongue around like she was some kind of luxurious ice cream sundae.

"Ahhh!" Jade whimpered from the sudden change in sensation but I kept going harder, flicking my tongue across her clit and squeezing her hands back as they tried to intervene. I slid my fingers back inside of her when she was just about to reach her limit and kissed her lips. The feeling of her moaning in my mouth was almost enough to make me come all over again but I held back just rubbing myself gently on her leg. We were both panting when we collapsed back on the bed and curled against each other.

"Oh my god." I sighed, satisfied and at the same time stunned.

"Oh. My. God." Jade repeated. We stayed in bed for a long time, both of us too tired to even attempt to talk about that. It was the most intense we'd ever got sexually and in that moment I just knew I was completely and hopelessly in love with her.

"Now you have new memories." I rolled over to look into Jade's face. She giggled and kissed me again.

"New, sexier memories." Jade replied, running her fingers through my hair. We fell asleep in each others arms, kissing like it was the last day in our lives that we ever could. I'm not sure I'd even woken up more happier or satisfied than that morning. I suddenly felt carefree again as oppose to a grown up with responsibilities. I hope Jade felt the same.

* * *

06/30/2013.

Today I got the chance to do something I've been waiting to do for a while, I got to visit Olivia West. It's exactly two years to the day that I found out how Jade's Mother died and it still haunts me how upset Jade was. I guess that's why I was so anxious going over to her house this afternoon for the celebration of Olivia's birthday.

As soon as I arrived, Jenn opened the door and showed me in. I think it was the first time I'd ever seen the usually bubbly lady in all black. Beck, Sam and Charlie were all in the living room and playing some soccer game on the xbox so I sat down on the couch watching them play. However I was only half concentrating on the game because my mind was more focused on something else, Jade.

In the end I was probably a lot more nervous than she was. When she came downstairs although she was dressed in black and obviously a little more solemn than usual, she seemed calm. She sat down on the couch next to me and held my hand.

"Are you doing okay?" I asked softly

"Yeah." Jade nodded, smiling briefly.

When Jade asked me to come to the cemetery with her a few days ago I immediately said yes, but after I thought about it, I started to freak out a little. I've never even been to a funeral before let alone a grave. I had no idea what to wear, how I was supposed to act, what it would be like, but I knew I wanted to be there for Jade. I wanted to 'meet' her Mom.

We sat together quietly for a while until Jenn and Mark came in the room and told us they were ready to go. In the end Jade drove me, Sam and Charlie whilst Jenn, Mark and Beck went in a separate car. The cemetery was on a hill and quite far from the house so it took around thirty minutes for us to get there. Sam and Charlie were unusually quiet in the back of the car so I knew they knew where they were going. When we parked up, Jade turned to the back and asked the twins to go wait with Jenn for second and they both jumped out. Jade turned to me and took hold of my hand.

"Okay. I know you're nervous about this so if it gets too much then just come back to the car, I'll understand." Jade assured me.

"I'll be fine Jade, I'm just worried about you." I confessed. Jade shook her head.

"You don't need to worry about me ok?" Jade squeezed my hand again. "I'm probably going to cry, but you've got to trust me. I'll be fine."

"Okay." I sighed and nodded. Jade pecked me on the cheek before we climbed out of the car and met with the others. Sam and Charlie were holding yellow and orange reefs and Jenn was already upset, although she was trying to hide it. Beck led Sam and Charlie up the path and Jade took my hand and we followed. The grave was near the back and silvery grey in colour. The twins placed the reefs down next to it and pulled the longer pieces of grass out of the ground and to the side. Both of them obviously having done this before. The inscription on the headstone didn't say much but at the same time, it said just enough.

_In Loving Memory Of A Devoted Mother._

_Olivia Marie West,_

_Passed Away 1st May. 2005_

_Always In Our Hearts,_

_Forever In Our Thoughts._

Sam and Charlie were first to talk and Beck helped them out a lot when they got stuck. They were so young when she died so they didn't remember her, but it was clear they missed her presence. They mostly just talked about music and school and told stories. It was so sad. When they were done they both said I love you and I miss you and I felt a painful lump rise in my throat. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose.

Jenn went next and she made everyone laugh telling funny stories, reminiscing about things they did in their crazy years. She also cried a little when she talked about Jade. She said something like she knew Olivia had been worried about her but that we were all looking after her and that Jade was a strong, courageous, and beautiful young woman who could beat anything. I glanced at Jade at this point and she was crying a lot. I wrapped my arm around her and just let her lean on me until Jenn was done.

Even though Jade had warned me this was almost certain to happen, nothing could prepare me to hear her heartbroken cries when she knelt down next to the grave.

"Hi Mommy." Jade sniffed, immediately breaking my heart. "You don't need to worry about me anymore. I'm doing okay. I know I said some pretty awful stuff last time I was here but I'm better now."

I wondered what she'd said last time she'd visited. I knew she'd gone at Christmas and she'd never mentioned it to me. But it can't have been easy telling her Mom about the heart attack and the eating disorder. She hadn't been in a very good place at the time.

"My girlfriend's here. I think you'd like her. She's a goody two shoes but I love her a lot and she takes care of me." Jade croaked, "I wish you could meet her."

I smiled catching her eye but she didn't smile back just letting the floodgates completely open. I'd never seen her look quite this grieved before

"I live with Jenn now but I promise I'm still taking care of the little ones, as much as I can ok? I promise I will—" Jade got too upset to speak anymore, but Sam came over and hugged her. She hugged him back and eventually Charlie joined in too. My heart hurt watching the three children all just cuddled and crying next to a grave.

I tried to disguise my desolate sob with a cough but Beck must have noticed because he came over and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head in his chest and tried to pull myself together but even when the three siblings stopped crying and started talking properly again, I kept my distance. I guess I can't really understand how they felt because I've never lost someone I'm that close to. I can't even begin to imagine losing my Mom. But they were talking to someone who wasn't there and I just found that incredibly upsetting.

When we got back to Jenn's we all ate dinner together and then got the photo albums out. This part was more fun. Everyone just told sweet stories, happy memories and laughed and made jokes. There were also a lot of home videos including a really funny video of Jade about age six with a pair of kiddie scissors cutting up a newspaper and grinning maniacally.

"And so the scissor obsession began." Beck smirked.

"It's not an obsession." Jade insisted dryly.

"You have like eight special pairs and your locker in school was stabbed with them." I nudged her skeptically.

"That's still not an obsession, it's just a strong compassion for scissors." Jade insisted. Jenn smirked and put on the next video, which was at some sort of party and Olivia was dancing with Beck and Jade who were just jumping up and down crazily. It made everyone laugh.

In the evening just before I was about to leave Jade pulled me upstairs into her room and asked to lay down with me for a while. I did and we both just snuggled, kissing occasionally.

"Are you ok?" Jade asked softly. "You seemed upset before."

"I'm fine, it was just very intense." I confessed, "And maybe I wasn't as prepared for it as I thought."

"It's not usually that bad, but this year was a little different." Jade explained. I nodded understanding.

"It's okay and I'd like to come back some time. I'd like to talk to her too."

When Jade hugged me goodbye at the door I made a big deal about telling her before I loved her. I wanted her to know that honestly because I do. I completely love her to pieces. She's been through so much and I just hope that for now, life will treat her a little kinder.

"I love you too." Jade smiled, kissing me again. I left feeling content because even though today was so sad, I feel like I've been accepted into this little, slightly broken, slightly higgledy piggldy family. I'll never meet Olivia but I'm going to do my best to love her little girl with as much adoration and care as she deserves and then more. I want to earn Olivia's blessing, whatever that means. And even though I'd wouldn't call myself spiritual, I do believe she will always be around. In our thoughts and in our hearts.

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**Ughh happiness coming soon I promise haha :) xxx**


	45. Chapter 45

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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07/29/2013.

Oh my god it's finally happening! My first ever single is available to download! Asdfghjkllll. Only a few hours after it was first released my song hit number 95 in the charts which might not seem very high, but considering I'm basically a nobody - it's amazing! And all night long, every couple of hours Mason kept calling me to tell me it had gone up, or that another radio station had played it and I was freaking out!

Three days later and I'm still in shock. This just isn't real! I wish I could put words to how insane this feels or at least stop squealing all the time! But I just can't help it! What even is this? My song is on the radio! People are listening to my song! When I realising my single hit the top 100 I had to call Jade and Andre to come over and calm me down because my family was away and I kept almost having full scale nervous breakdowns.

"Oh my God." I gasped for the hundredth time, running my hands through my hair, my face panic stricken.

"What now girl?" Andre queried.

"People are listening to my voice." I embarrassingly managed to squeak. I noticed Jade and Andre share an amused look before Jade came over and sat next to me on the sofa.

"Yes Tori. Hundreds and thousands of people are all listening to your song right now." Jade said in a faux-assuring manner.

"You're not helping!" I exclaimed. Jade just smirked devilishly and stood back up, to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

"You know maybe if we put on a music channel we'll hear it." Andre suggested.

"We're not doing that!" I immediately forbade the action, "And besides the video doesn't come out for two weeks."

"Alright chill down." Andre suggested but before I had the chance to take that advice on board, my phone rang again. It was Mason and what he said next, literally made my jaw drop open. And once Mason had hung up I was stuck in the same position, paralysed with shock.

"Tori?" Andre waved his hand in front of my face. "Earth to Tori?"

"I'm number 48." I staggered amazed. "Andre my first single ever is in the top 50!" I leapt into my best friends arms both of us excited beyond belief and Andre picked me up and spun me.

"Hey!" Jade shouted. Andre put me down and I smirked at Jades brief moment of jealously and ran over to her for a kiss. When we broke apart I wrapped my arms around her waist and laughed when she nodded and stated nonchalantly, "Better."

"You guys, what am I going to do? This wasn't planned, I wasn't supposed to like.. be top 50 already!" I stated stunned. In all honestly I was absolutely terrified. It probably seemed really funny and I should have been ecstatic and I was.. I am! But it was also overwhelming

"You were always going to do amazing Tori you must have known that." Andre stated.

"No. No I didn't." I shook my head, still holding tightly onto Jade.

"Well at this rate, you'll be famous by Friday." Andre continued. I felt my breath hitch in my throat and my heart pound loud in my chest. All those times Jade and I joked about being famous, I never took it serious. This was my debut album, it was supposed to be a flop, a mishit. But even I had to admit, I didn't exactly suck. Maybe I was meant to do this.

"Oh." I said quietly. I felt her slip her hand between the strands of my hair and comb slowly through a curl. Somehow focusing on that calmed me down.

"You're meeting with Mason tomorrow right?" Jade confirmed.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Then let him stress about it. You can just enjoy this. Your debut song is out and people like it!" Jade smiled, squeezing me round the waist. "Don't think about the fame bit if it scares you, think about your music."

"Thanks." I kissed Jade on the lips, already feeling a lot better about it.

"I know what you should do." Andre smiled knowingly, "You should have a party."

"No." I shook my head. "The last thing I need is a massive house party so I can stress about that too!"

"Come on Tori!" Jade joined in. "You deserve to celebrate this. You worked really hard on your album. Have a party!"

I sighed and considered the possibility. I hadn't actually thrown any parties this year and other than when I was in Stockholm or New York, I hadn't even really been to one either. Eventually with the combination of both of Jade and Andre's pleading stares, the fact that I had worked really hard this year, and the free house, I gave in.

By 10pm my house was crammed full of people. People from school, people from the studio, people I'd met through concerts and recording sessions. It was crazy. Everyone seemed to be having a really great time and we'd opened up the garden so there was lots of room for dancing and sitting down and talking.

The combination of people, all having some sort of connection to music and performing arts meant everything ran smoothly. Andre was in charge of the music and brought along some awesome mixes and playlists. Erik bought the alcohol. My original plan was not to drink at all because I wanted to be in complete control of my house and make a good impression on everyone, but I had a few drinks in the end. A couple of people brought me cards and gifts for releasing my single which was really, really sweet and I wasn't expecting it at all. Even Meredith brought me an entire tray of cupcakes.

Actually I spent so much time talking to all the party guests that it wasn't till 11.30pm that I even saw any of my closest friends. Jade, Cat, Beck, Andre and Robbie were sitting in the wooden bench area of the garden with a group of friends I knew who were a british boy band from the record company and listening to one of the guys Calum telling some crazy story. They all laughed and I chose that exact moment to come sit on Jades knee.

"Hi baby." Jade smiled and pecked me on the lips.

"Awww true love." Max teased. I ignored him and snuggled against Jade, slightly exhausted. I joined in with everyones conversations for while and listened to Cat telling us about her part-time job as a character actress in Disneyland and how she got to play princesses all day. It was such a Cat-like job, I wasn't surprised that she loved it.

"Are you having fun?" Jade asked me softly.

"Yeah I am." I smiled, "Are you?"

"Yeah this is nice." Jade agreed lightly pressing her lips to my shoulder. "Can I stay over tonight?"

"Do you even have to ask?" I replied with a smile.

"Are these two always like this?" Calum asked, gesturing to Jade and I. Andre just laughed and Beck shrugged. Maybe it was anti-social but I spent another ten minutes just talking to Jade. Everyone around us was obviously tipsy but I knew Jade wasn't. When someone offered her a drink, she declined and then when they pushed her further she said she can't for medical reasons. This only confirmed my suspicions about the type of medication she was on. I'd had a hunch for a while that she was taking antidepressants. I decided not to drink anymore after that.

The last guests didn't leave until almost 3am but luckily my house wasn't in too big a state, I decided I could clean up tomorrow and just went straight up to bed where Jade was already half asleep, naked in my bed. I climbed in next to her and after a couple of tired kisses and mumbles of I love you, we were both asleep.

That was four days ago now and my single has hit number 23 in the charts and is still rising. It's unbelievable. I've been doing a performance every night and interviews every day and I'm starting to get noticed a lot when I go out. I feel exactly the same, even though I'm now sort of a pop singer. I know one thing's for sure though, my life is never going to be the same again.

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08/04/2013.

Sooo it's been almost two weeks since my first single came out and life has been crazy! The best thing about living in LA was that I didn't really have to go anywhere for all this craziness to unfold. Most of the performances I've done have been for tv, filmed in Hollywood and interviews for magazines in Hollywood but right now I'm on a plane because I have to go to New York for two weeks as a supporting act. I'm really excited but at the same time a little nervous. It will be my first time ever performing my single to large crowds. I hope I don't screw this up.

I said goodbye to Jade yesterday evening and she was really sweet and told me I'd be fine. We already agreed to Skype every day, not that that wasn't obvious. I wish she could come with me actually because I'm honestly terrified! We did discuss her coming to New York but quickly decided against it. Being away from home for two weeks would interrupt her treatment and even just talking about that made me feel uncomfortable and her feel anxious.

I confronted her about the antidepressants thing last night too and she confirmed it for me. I hadn't wanted to ask because I thought it might be private or feel intrusive but she was straight with me when I brought it up. She told me she was put on antidepressants the first time she went to Valewood but stopped taking them. After the heart attack and at the peak of the eating disorder she was put on both antidepressants and antipsychotics. I was shocked to be honest and my first thought was that she absolutely didn't need to be taking so much. But then I remembered how delusional, disordered and suicidal she'd been towards the end of last year and I realised she probably did need to take them.

"Are you disappointed?" Jade asked after she explained all the different psychiatric medication she was on. More than anything she just looked nervous about my reaction. I was almost 100% sure she would be taking some type or psychiatric medication.

"No. Why would you think that?" I frowned confused.

"It's not me doing this. I didn't get better. It's all drugs." Jade shrugged.

"Do you really think that?" I asked sadly.

"Maybe a little." Jade confessed. I sighed and pulled her into a hug.

"Of course it was you J. Drugs like that aren't forcing you to recover. They just remove the things that stood in your way." I hypothesised.

"I want to come off them." Jade insisted, making me clench my jaw.

"Ok fair enough. But promise me you'll wait until you're officially in remission." I said sternly. At the end of the day it was her body, her life, but this was important.

"So when I'm 100 years old then?" Jade raised an eyebrow.

"Don't be pessimistic. It might be sooner than you think." I smiled, kissing her on the lips. "And when it happens, then will be a good time to think about going off meds. But for now, just focus on eating."

"I think my diets fine." Jade shrugged.

"And what does everyone else think?" I pointed out sternly.

"That it's not good enough.. but come on, I eat enough calories, I hardly feel any urges and I'm doing fine." Jade insisted.

"You eat the same thing every day." I reminded her skeptically. That wasn't strictly true but it was close enough. Jades daily menu consisted of the following: an avocado on toast for breakfast, most likely beans on toast or vegetable soup for lunch and then a dinner of mashed potatos, plain grilled fish and some sort of vegetable. It sustains her. It's nutritious. But these are the _only_ foods she eats.

Jade is completely satisfied with this. Valewood, Jenn, and even myself I guess aren't quite so happy about it. It's not okay to eat the same things day in day out. But the fact is trying new foods is hard. And the couple of times she's actually tried new food outside of Valewood she's either thrown up or felt completely nauseous. The time Beck and I convinced her to try omelette for example, she ate three bites then literally went green and then sat in the bathroom for an hour holding her upset stomach. I don't even understand this reaction she has to 'new' foods, it seems completely illogical to me. It might well be all in her head or maybe there is an actual underlying medical condition why this has happened, but either way makes no difference to me. She still suffers with it.

"Can we not talk about it please? I just want to spend time with you before you go to New York." Jade pleaded.

"Alright." I sighed, "But please think about trying new things. I know you don't see the point but it will make me feel better."

"Okay." Jade agreed to that. We spent most of the rest of the evening lounging around in her room, watching movies and touching each other. She makes this little face when she orgasms and I love it, but it also makes me want to get in her pants constantly. Not that she's complaining.

So yeah. Jade is.. getting there. Our relationship is faultless. My career is INSANE. And right now I'm number 27 in the charts. Life is happy. :)

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**Thoughts? x**


	46. Chapter 46

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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08/14/2013.

So I've been in New York for over a week now and I've been having the best time. I've been performing what feels like non-stop and meeting new people and basically living the dream! Everything happened so fast I can't believe how many people are approaching me in the streets and asking for my autograph and stuff. It's kind of crazy but I'm taking Jades advice on this and not thinking about the fame, just the music.

I'm meeting my new vocal coach in a couple of hours who's going to help me, and train me on how to keep my voice healthy and everything for on stage. We're already beginning to plan my first solo tour. It's most likely to be scheduled for next summer but I'm already super excited. I just hope everything with my second single goes okay. Four weeks left until my second release. eek.

As for back home. Everything seems to be fine. I've skyped Jade every day and we text constantly. She told me she's been trying new foods everyday and keeping a food diary so it's definitely progress. I *ugh* miss her though. Having to leave a lot is really the only downside to this becoming a pop singer thing. Even when I'm away from Jade for less than two weeks I miss her. Is that normal? I feel like we should be over the honeymoon stage by now because in a way we've been dating for over two years but it just doesn't work like that. I feel better when I'm with her. I sleep more peacefully next to her and am just happier with her hand in mine. If I ever told Jade that I'm certain she'd laugh and call me a sap but it's true.

Anyways enough of the mush. I'm going go take a shower and get ready for my singing lesson. The audience tonight is huge so I need to be on top form. Eeeek! I still can't believe this is happening to me. Byeee journal. Luv ya.

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08/19/2013.

I got home today and went straight to Jenn's to see Jade. But I had to wait around a couple of hours because she was out and her phone was switched off. I'm not like upset or anything because I'm glad she's going out and doing stuff but I didn't like that she seemed so suspicious about where she'd been. She first told me she'd been meeting up with a friend and then when I asked who, she changed her story to shopping. I know, she knows that I know, she's lying.

"Don't worry, I don't have another girlfriend on the side if that's what you're worried about." she smirked teasingly. I stopped questioning her about it in the end because I'm not worried about her cheating on me. I know she wouldn't do that, but I don't like secrets and I've not been able to get it off my mind ever since. Jade + secrets makes me nervous.

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08/20/2013.

Remember the other day when I said our relationship is faultless and how I feel better with Jade? Well I changed my mind. She is a mean person who lies and keeps things from me. I don't even know if were together anymore to be honest because we aren't speaking to each other and I don't even want to. She can do what she wants.

I guess this all started a yesterday really. I noticed Jade was still eating all the same foods as she had been before I left for New York. Steamed vegetables, toast etc.. I got suspicious and made a little food diary of my own. She left her weekly food diary sheet on her desk in her room and when she was downstairs getting drinks I snuck a glance and compared. Hardly any of her meals lined up. She was completely making stuff up. I knew for a fact that on Tuesday she ate mashed potato and cucumber and not even all of it. This claimed she'd eaten couscous and veggie sausages. Just a flick through this thing and I knew she was lying about her progress.

"Do you like veggie sausages?" I brought up casually, a few hours later when we were in Jetbrew. Jade raised an eyebrow and I saw the momentary glimpse of panic at the glitch in her plan.

"Yeah I like them." Jade replied, blowing lightly on her coffee. "Why?"

"Just wondering." I shrugged. "Maybe I could get them for dinner tomorrow."

"I only like a certain brand." Jade immediately replied.

"Well you get them then we'll have them." I suggested. I could tell she didn't like this plan but if she ate them then it didn't matter, at least she tried a new food. The next day she texted me an hour or so before we were supposed to meet and said she had a headache and wanted to give dinner a miss. I was angry. She was caught and I wasn't going to let her get away with it. Not this time.

So okay maybe I went into it hot headed but it had to stop immediately. I drove over to her place without telling her what I was doing. When Jenn answered the door I think she could tell something was up because I struggled to even smile as I stepped inside. Jade was just sat in her room on her laptop when I came in.

"Hey?" Jade said confused.

"How's the headache?" I asked dryly.

"Better thanks, but why are you here?" Jade looked nervous. I scanned the room until I saw the folder she kept her food diaries in at the side and picked it up dropping it down in front of her.

"Take a wild guess." I said sarcastically. Jade frowned looking down at the folder then back up at me. I folded my arms and glared, annoyed that she wasn't just admitting what she was doing already.

"I don't know what you're so mad about." Jade furrowed her brows. I scoffed and shook my head but Jade seemed to have caught up with what was going on here and stood up for herself. "You're going to have to give me a clue here Tori, I'm not a mind reader!"

"You are lying in your food diaries!" I yelled, furious with her. Jade didn't even attempt to deny it. "You say you're trying all these new foods and it's just bullshit Jade."

"You shouldn't have even read it! These are completely and wholly private." Jade seemed just as angry as I did.

"I shouldn't have felt like I had to! And that's not all! Where were you the other day when I got back from NY? And don't give me shopping, we both know that's another lie."

"Since when do you not trust me even a tiny bit?!" Jade snapped, "You're always doing this!"

"Because I have to! Have you ever thought that maybe I don't trust you because you aren't trustworthy!"

"You want me to tell you where I was the other day?" Jade shouted, I crossed my arms and waited for the explanation. Jade sighed. "I was at UCLA. I was doing my reinterview for college and I didn't want to say anything because I might not get in. It took longer than I expected and I was late and I was going to tell you as a surprise because I thought you'd be happy!"

"You are not ready for college." I said immediately. Jade looked hurt and I saw anger cross her features.

"What?" Jade widened her eyes, hurt.

"There is no way I am letting you start college in September. I'm sorry Jade but that is just a stupid, irresponsible idea."

"I don't understand you at all. Why do you get to have a life and not me?"

"That's obviously not what I'm saying." I argued.

"Well obviously it is!" Jade shouted back

"Stop turning this around on me. You're a bulimic Jade and if you lie about what you eat then we have a problem and—"

"Because you nag me all the time!" Jade interrupted, "Nag, nag, nag, it's exhausting! Eat this new food, try this new food all the fucking time!"

"Because you almost died Jade.. remember that? You almost died because you completely stopped eating! Is it too much to ask that you tell me the truth about these things? And tell me the truth about where you're going!"

"I didn't tell you the truth because I knew you'd kick off like this! What do you expect me to do all day Tori? Sit around thinking about my fucking eating disorder?"

"No of course not."

"Well what?"

"I don't know but you need to take it easy. How do your expect to handle college when you can barely eat three meals a day." I knew that was harsh but I was so mad at her I didn't care.

"That's not fair." Jade said stonily.

"But it's true, thats how it is Jade and you aren't even trying to change anymore."

"Oh my god." Jade shook her head, sighing under her breath.

"Don't roll your eyes at me." I growled. Jade took a deep breath and when she turned around and I saw she'd reached her limit.

"Look Tori. I love you. You've helped me a lot, but right now you're just being controlling."

"I'm not being controlling."

"Yes you are!"

"I'm not controlling you Jade. You're just in a bad mood because I called you out on your lies."

"You didn't call me out! I know I don't eat normally! Thats not news to me, and for your information I AM trying to change."

"Well I don't think you are."

"Wow. Supportive. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to know I'm doing all this for nothing!"

"Jade.."

"No leave me alone. You bitch, you actual bitch!"

"What?!"

"You heard."

"You really are horrible sometimes." I replied hurt.

"Get out of my room!" Jade demanded

"You don't need to tell me. I wouldn't stay now anyway." I spun around and left, trying to keep the lump in my throat from rising. Sure we'd argued in the past, but we've never had a fight that bad before. I climbed in my car and drove myself home where I instantly accepted Trina's offer to play her stupid martial arts game on the tv. I needed something to vent my anger.

I'm still upset that she called me a bitch. I don't think I was being unreasonable at all. She can't keep lying and getting away with it because it will kill her. I was worried about her though so even though I was mad I texted Jenn and told her we had a fight so could she make sure to keep an eye on her. I don't want to be the reason she relapses but I'm not letting her walk all over me either.

I miss her but I'm too mad to do anything about it. And I'm not going to say sorry for the fight until she apologises for lying and keeping the fact she's reapplied to college from me. I feel like I've tried so hard to help her and she gives so little back. I'm just really upset. I don't know what to do.

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**Thoughts? :/**


	47. Chapter 47

**Hope you're having a nice weekend everyone!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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06/15/2021.

Jades been reading this whole thing over my shoulder through the entire flight home from Puerto Rico and we still don't agree on who was right during that argument. I'll admit now, I was being kind of controlling but I was only angry because I loved her. Whereas on the other hand, she was angry because I wasn't recognising how hard she was trying and that she was only lying about it because she didn't want to let anyone down.

I feel like that argument exploded as much as it did because we'd been holding back for a really long time. In our entire relationship up to that point Jade had never been in a place that we could healthily have an argument. Maybe it was inevitable because Jade and I are still to this day, very different people and we don't always see eye to eye on a lot of things. Like right now. I want to go home and Jade wants to go straight to Jenn's.

I remember the day we reconciled after the big fight. We actually lasted an entire week before she gave up and came over to my house. I heard my Mom letting her in from my bedroom upstairs and letting her straight up. She knocked on my bedroom door and I sighed getting up off my butt and opening the door for her.

"Can I come in?" Jade asked with a straight face. I nodded and closed the door behind her. When I turned around I kept my own face neutral. I was not about to show how relieved I was that she'd come over or happy I was to see her. I was not going to give in first but evidently neither was she and both of us stood their in awkward silence for a couple of minutes.

"UCLA rejected me for the fall semester." Jade broke the ice first. I had a feeling that would happen anyway. She needed to be in Valewood four days a week, it was never going to work with a college timetable.

"I'm sorry. I know you wanted to go to college." I replied, admittedly not completely upset about it. Jade sat down on the edge of the bed and shrugged it off. I sat down next to her, my hard exterior already breaking. She was clever. She did deserve to go to college.

"It just sucks you know?" Jade emphasised "You're off living your dreams. Beck's a sophomore, even Cat's moved state and where am I?"

I kept silent. I'd never really thought about it the way she must see it before. Everyone had left her behind and now she was out of inpatient, she still wasn't allowed to catch up.

"It's not fair." Jade said quietly

"I know." I replied, holding her hand. I wasn't surprised I'd already caved. Not when she was visibly upset about something completely and utterly unfair. She didn't deserve the eating disorder in the first place let alone any of the repercussions of it.

"I was thinking we could go out for a meal? We could go to Nozu or Karaoke Dokie or somewhere." Jade suggested quickly.

"No." I shook my head. I saw the look of relief cross Jades face and I squeezed her hand. That was kind of touching. She wanted to make things up so much she was willing to put herself in possibly one of the hardest situations she could imagine.

"Ok." Jade replied, stumped with what to say. I smiled and shuffled closer to my girlfriend wrapping my arms around her body. She did the same to me and we held each other in complete silence for a while.

"Slow down." I instructed softly. "You need to look after yourself baby."

"I'm fine." Jade wailed helplessly.

"What would you have done if I said yes lets go out for dinner?" I asked with a chuckle. Jade even laughed at that and laid her head down on my shoulder.

"Screamed." Jade confessed with a head shake. I pushed some hair away from her face and both of us lay down in bed. We just held each other silently for a while. I'd missed holding her like this.

"How are you doing?" I asked gently. I knew I didn't need to specify what I meant by that. She knew what I was getting at.

"I haven't eaten anything new. Valewood want to change my supplements because of the lies in the food diary and I don't know how to tell them."

"You need to tell them the truth" I insisted.

"I can't." Jade shook her head. "If I tell them I've lied, they'll admit me."

"I don't think they'll do that." I disagreed. "They're experts, they expect these kind of things to happen. They can probably tell you're not being entirely truthful with them."

"They do seem a bit suspicious." Jade admitted. I shrugged my shoulders. They'd be stupid not to be suspicious after reading her food diary then comparing it to the lunches she ate in the center.

"Why aren't you trying new things?" I asked curious. "If you explain it, maybe I'll understand."

"It's just safer and easier and I'm more comfortable eating toast and mashed potatoes and vegetables than other things." Jade replied eventually. "I know I need to change my diet, and eat a bigger variety of things but it's _so_ hard."

"I get that it's hard. But you don't have to lie to me or Valewood about it"

"I just don't feel like you realise how hard I'm trying." Jade replied, upset.

"I know you're trying very hard." I said immediately "I shouldn't have said what I said about you not trying to change. That was really low of me and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for lying and for calling you a bitch and for going behind your back about college." Jade apologised too.

"I know you want to get over this and get on with your life, but slowly is the only way. Painfully slow if it needs to be." I said seriously.

"I'm honestly just getting bored. I wake up, get ready, eat, record what I ate, watch tv, eat, record what I ate, maybe meet up with someone, eat, record what I ate, get ready for bed and sleep and repeat." Jade sighed.

"Alright you need something else to do." I realised that now. There was no point in her living a lifestyle she was bored of. That wouldn't help distract her from any of this. But what could she do without stressing herself out too much and leaving enough time for her to get treatment. Since college was out, the next obvious choice was working.

"How do you feel about getting a part-time job?" I wondered aloud.

"I don't know maybe." Jade shrugged.

"Andre might be a good person to talk to. I'm sure they have short term internships where he works. You could apply for something like that." I suggested.

"I threw up the other day." Jade admitted suddenly.

"You purged?" I asked alarmed. She nodded.

"I binged on some shitty cakes Beck bought back from college." Jade admitted. "I ate six. I didn't even have to do anything I felt so ill I just barfed them right back up."

"Okay did you tell Valewood?" I asked calmly. Jade nodded. "And what did they say?"

"To keep moving past relapses. To learn from mistakes." Jade replied. She looked so ashamed with herself I could feel her getting upset. "It's made it harder T. I like how it feels."

"I know you do otherwise you wouldn't keep doing it." I said supportively. "But you can't go back down that road. You don't want to be where you were last year."

"I know." Jade nodded, looking pained. "I'm not going to let myself get like that again."

"Good." I rubbed her arm, but she still wasn't meeting my eye. "I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could come to me."

"I knew I could even though we were fighting. But I also knew I could deal with it, you know what I mean?" Jade looked back up at me. "I told Jenn afterwards and she let me replace the food and took my blood pressure and stuff."

"Good." I nodded impressed. It sounded like she'd dealt with the whole thing exactly how Valewood had told her to. I wasn't surprised something like this had happened. It was bound to happen. It was how she coped with it that counted.

"Kiss and make up?" I suggested. Jade smiled and nodded happily. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her lips. She kissed me back enthusiastically and I felt whole again. We moved together, kissing and moaning and eventually kissing turned into grinding and grinding turned into sex. At least the hot make up sex made up for the horrible, horrible fight.

After that day, I can honestly say things really began to change. I was glad she didn't get let into UCLA because fighting the eating disorder urges became extremely intense to the extent there were a couple of times she nearly did get readmitted. She stopped feeling ashamed and did just call me when things got bad.

The new year passed and 2014 was really the year I realised how strong those urges could be for her. One day in March she called me and asked me to come over and there was literally nothing I could say to get her to leave the bathroom. She didn't purge that day but only because I was gripping her hands and talking to her constantly. It was like she was stuck in some kind of trance and the only way she could see out of it was being sick. To most people that made no sense, but to Jade it did.

She still gets like that sometimes. Not often, but once or twice a year she'll need me to talk her out of things like that. It's scary actually. She stops being herself and becomes her eating disorder voice. Crying and shouting and saying horrible things about me, herself, everyone. I know she doesn't mean it though because she's completely out of control and miserable when it happens and she always apologises. I've cancelled interviews and studio sessions before now to spend time sat with Jade in the bathroom. I don't mind. As long as she needs me to do that, I'll do it in a heartbeat.

In case you were wondering we've compromised on the 'what we're doing now we're back in LA' situation. We're going home now for a few of hours and then over to Jenn's after dinner. It's nice to be back home, wedding rings on, and the rest of our lives to look forward to. I love Jade. And no matter how hard bulimia or anorexia or ednos tries to take her from me, that will never happen. She's my wife and my best, best friend. I'll always fight for her harder.

_And I'll always fight for Tori harder too. ;)_

That was Jade. She's not technically allowed to write in this so now she's in trouble. She's grinning and saying she thinks I'm not serious but I'm sure I'll be able to find an appropriate punishment.

_I don't _adfv_jbd_nlffhvhvhv_s..._

Minor pen fight. Please ignore my wife. As much as she denies it she's desperate to get her hands on this little journal. No way in the world is that happening ;) It's mine. Jade's pouting. I better go before another stupid fight starts!

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**There's going to be a bit of a time skip now in case you haven't realised :) The next chapter will take place in 2015. Review if you like. x**


	48. Chapter 48

**I hope this doesn't have like a crazy How I Met Your Mother effect or anything but we're going to skip a couple of years into 2015.**

**Have a lovely Sunday guys! x**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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03/30/2015.

Helloooo. Sorry for being so super inconsistent with these journal entries recently. Lets just say life as a pop singer is slightly crazy and I spend a lot of time in cities I don't really know, recording, performing, or just catching up on sleep! This journal was extremely therapeutic for me when I was going through everything that happened with Jade, but recently she's been doing great and I guess I've not needed it as much.

So, here's a super quick summary of the last few years to bring everything back to speed. I'm twenty years old (although my 21st is in two days!) I guess I'm pretty famous now. I've done two North America tours and one short European tour and I'm working on my third album right now. Jade's in remission which is amazing and she's finally moving forwards in life and living mostly independent of therapy and drugs.

She's been off the antipsychotics for about a year now and just takes an extremely mild antidepressant to keep as many negative thoughts away as possible. There used to be a time in my life that the words anorexia, bulimia, purging, diet plan and safe foods used to dominate my conversations with my girlfriend. And I'm not saying they've gone, we say those words sometimes but not nearly as regularly. She's in remission, but I know she still feels guilty and unworthy whenever she eats. It's really sad, but its how she copes with this that counts.

Jade needed to take the majority of 2013/2014 out. She spent a long time just attending therapy, nutrition sessions, medical appointments and focusing on her health. She badly wanted to go to college but Jenn and I didn't think it was a good idea and UCLA kept rejecting her anyway, on the grounds that they didn't think she was well enough for the course. Jenn suggested she signed up for one or two classes at community college but that just wasn't enough for her. She wanted her bachelors degree and she wasn't prepared to compromise on it.

So Jade got a part time job working in a coffee shop near Elsaridge park which she seemed to enjoy actually. It gave her something to do that was nothing to do with eating disorders and she also continued with her writing. She shared a couple of stories and bits she'd written and I was impressed. She was talented. She also showed me a few things she wrote whilst she'd been in Valewood that she'd edited and redrafted and oh my god. They were so good. So sad. But so good. I honestly think, with a bit of work, some of those stories could be books one day.

Jade had actually written a lot of songs too and a couple even snuck onto my second album. She got paid a lot for those songs actually and since then, she's sold I think thirty songs to different record companies and producers and is employed with star records as a songwriter.

By January 2014, Jade had finished her day-treatment at Valewood and moved to an outpatient status. She only needed to go in twice a week for a short amount of time. We all thought she'd get her college place but UCLA rejected her again. She was honestly devastated about that and it took a while to get her confidence back up. But they weren't saying never. They were saying, when she was better, which was probably a lot fairer than most universities would offer.

It frustrated her at times because she hated feeling like she was wasting time. The fact is though, you can't undo a lifetime of eating disorders overnight. You have to be patient with yourself and take as long as you need to heal. And Jade had spent a long time hurting her body and struggling through diet after diet. The added stress of college on top of recovery wouldn't have been a good idea for that semester. I think UCLA knew that.

But even though she was getting a steady income from the coffee shop and songwriting, she was still determined to go to college. She'd officially been in remission for four months when she got the third college rejection. This time though she wasn't upset, she was just angry and so were we. There was no good reason to not let her in this time, she had the grades and the tutors wanted her but for some reason, someone, somewhere in that university was rejecting her. When Valewood found out about it, they got involved too and argued an extremely strong case for her that she was being discriminated against for a mental illness. It didn't look hopeful and Jade began to doubt she'd ever get in.

But I remember the day she got her acceptance letter into college clearly. I was in the studio at the time and she burst through the doors in some mad kind of fluster and I saw Jason trying to tell she couldn't come in, but I stopped the track and ran out to meet her anyway. I was slightly panicked in case something was wrong because she never interrupted me at work. But when I saw her and saw her smile I wasn't worried any more.

"I got accepted in to UCLA!" Jade ran over to me excited.

"You got into college?" I gasped, hugging her tightly.

"I start in three weeks!" Jade squeezed me back. She was shaking and buzzing with energy and I was so proud of her I could cry.

"You deserve this more than anyone, you know that right?" I remember telling her.

"Yeah not really but thank you." Jade smiled, kissing me on the cheek.

"You do Jade." I insisted. We left everything and just ran away to celebrate. It felt like that acceptance letter really did signify the end of the eating disorder years. Jade had beat all the odds, even in the face of death and finally got into the college she really wanted. Anorexia, Bulimia, whatever you want to call it.. We lost track of the labels a long time ago. It wasn't stopping her anymore.

Anyways, eight months on and I'm having a bit of a career break at the moment just to spend more time with my friends and family. In fact I'm actually writing this from Jade's apartment right now. Yes we all freaked when she told us she was moving out of Jenn's. We kind of thought she was changing too much, too fast and that is was just unnecessary for her to move out. But Jade gave us the whole 'I want my own space' speech for about the fiftieth time and eventually we all just agreed to let her do it. She'd earned the right to do what she wanted. We all knew she was ready to handle the world on her own.

She moved into a quirky fifth floor studio apartment in West Hollywood, in a building that's completely occupied by students. It's actually a lot of fun to go round there because there are so many parties, social events and movie nights. Jade's made a group of sweet friends, Nel, Emma, Ross, Sammie and Casper who all live in the building and also go to UCLA. They all know about her eating disorder which means they look out for her. It's reassuring because when I'm away (which is a lot), I know she has people close by to keep her on track. There's been a couple of times at parties and things they've talked to me about her Mom or Valewood, so I know she's opened up to them. I think these new friends are probably something really, really good thats happened to her.

However it can be a little weird going over to Jade's because almost everyone who lives there recognises me. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but the fame still freaks me out to be honest. I've never been a shy person but when people are shouting my name and grabbing me in the streets for pictures, I feel a bit frightened. Thats why I like being out with Jade so much because I can hold her hand and sort of hide behind her. Jade is intimidating. She has super long extensions down to her waist and her whole head of hair is ebony black in colour and as always, she is stunningly beautiful. She's already about 5ft 8 and she usually wears heels so the height and her general demeanour tend to scare people away. I love it.

"I'll pick you up from college at 2pm." I told her from bed this morning. I was snuggled up between all her cushions, wearing only my skimpy little nightwear whilst Jade got ready for class.

"Yeah." Jade groaned, climbing into her leggings.

"You're so grateful babe." I teased. Jade turned around and narrowed her eyes at me.

"Yeah?" Jade stepped closer to the bed and leant down, her long hair curtaining around me.

"Your boobs are in my face." I grinned cupping her breasts with my hands and listening to her mewl as I squeezed her nipples.

"Oh my god." Jade sighed, sitting down on top of my thighs "You're going to make me late."

"I'm wet." I exhaled, as her bottom lip teased the entrance to my mouth.

"Mmm stop you!" Jade groaned, kissing my lips one last time. "I have to go."

"I know." I moved my hands and let her climb back up. "Get dressed sexy." Jade pulled a tongue at me before stepping into the en suite to finish getting ready. Within ten minutes she'd washed, dressed and slapped on minimal makeup ready for a morning of Writing and English literature..

"Lock my door on the way out." Jade said picking up her school bag. "I think theres a pap out there so be careful."

"Will do." I assured her. Jade smirked, pecking me on the lips before leaving to go to class.

"Eat breakfast!" I shouted before she closed the door.

"Getting a smoothie on the way." Jade assured me. "Bye!"

I guess I should get up now and take a shower. I'm picking Jade up later and we're meeting with Andre and Beck to read the script Beck's got for his new show and then we're going to mine for a bit to make party arrangements. I can't believe I'm almost 21. I'm basically an actual grown up! I don't feel like a grown up. But age is just a number right?

Aaah I just peaked out of the window. I really, really should get up now. There are at least three paparazzi in the entrance square and I don't want the world to know I stayed in bed until 11.30am (Even though that's mainly because Jade kept me up all night playing with our new toy.) No… I definitely don't want anyone to find out about that! I still don't know how they figured out I was here. Being famous is scary! Speak to you soon journal!

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**Review if you want to :) x**


	49. Chapter 49

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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04/02/2015.

I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. Ugh!

I'm never drinking again! I feel like complete crap and I must have the worst headache in the history of headaches. Wah. I can't even write properly this is torture. Jade is laughing. I'm glad someone finds it funny but I wish she'd just shhhh it's hurting my face. She's fine obviously since she only drank two glasses of wine and avoided all the lethal shots everyone else was taking. She was barely tipsy and then there was me.. shamefully wasted.

I guess I can't complain because my birthday was pretty amazing. I woke up and Jade had snuck downstairs to make me breakfast in bed so when she arrived with a tray of banana bagels and iced coffee I already knew the day was going to be amazing.

After breakfast we both showered together in the massive shower room I have at my house. I know what you're thinking. My house. I'm only twenty-one and I own my own house. I think it's ridiculous too but I had all this money just sitting around and everyone kept telling me to spend it on something so this house is what I chose. Somehow we ended up having sex in the shower room. Jade was in an experimental mood to say the least. Since it was my birthday she wanted to do something memorable so she knelt down on the floor, put the shower head between my legs and simultaneously ate me out. I don't know how I didn't fall down to be honest I was in complete bliss. I was SO loud. I couldn't stop moaning.

We spent the rest of the day relaxing after that and Jade gave me some birthday presents including some gorgeous shoes and a charm for my bracelet. I can't believe she still remembers for every major milestone to get me a charm. I almost have 10 charms now and every single one is significant and holds a memory. The one she got me today said 21 on it which I found cute.

In the early evening we made our way to the Italian restaurant I'd booked for a celebration meal with just close friends and family. I never really celebrate my birthday so it was weird but when we arrived Andre, Beck + his girlfriend Kitty, Robbie, Cat, my parents, Trina and her fiancé Dante, Jenn, Sam, Charlie, Erik and several others were already there. They all cheered when they saw me and I felt so loved and so happy.

Jade sat down with Sam and Charlie whilst I went round and hugged everyone. Trina is actually five months pregnant which is really exciting. I can't believe in a couple of months I'm going to be an Auntie. My parents completely flipped when they found out because she and Dante had only been dating for a few months when they got pregnant. It was a bit of a shock but he's sticking by her and it seems like they love each other. I'm happy for her anyway.

When I got to Andre he gave me a huge cuddle and said happy birthday. I sat down next to him for a while and we talked and laughed and had a great chat. However he did mention the one thing I was hoping he wouldn't.

"I haven't seen Jade in a restaurant since high school." Andre said quietly. I glanced over at Jade who was talking with the twelve year old twins who were showing her something on one of their phones.

"Yeah she hasn't." I confirmed quietly. Andre's eyes widened.

"Not at all?" Andre looked astounded. I shook my head

"No this is her first time. But please don't make a big deal out of it."

"Of course not I'm just saying good for her, good for you both actually." Andre replied.

"Good for her." I corrected him with a smile. "I don't care what we do together as long as she's happy."

"You're so whipped." Andre chuckled.

"Heyy now.. It's my birthday, you have to be nice to me." I grinned. Andre put his hands up and I stood up to make my way around the table a little more. Cat and Robbie were sitting together along with Sammie and Emma who were Jades friends/neighbours. The four of them are all crazy so they were getting along great. My parents gave me a ring for my birthday that was beautiful and I thanked them a lot for it and Jenn bought me the book I'd been dying to get my hands on. I was having a great time just talking to everyone but the second the menus were handed out, I was at Jade's side.

"Thank you." Jade whispered in my ear when I sat down next to her.

"No problem, what are you having?" I smiled stroking her arm lightly with my fingers. She studied the menu for a little while before handing it over to me.

"I'm just going to have the tomato penne and a side salad." Jade decided.

"I'll have that too." I agreed, closing the menu. Jade was doing great but the nerves were evident. I hoped she wasn't worrying too much about the other people. She'd talked to me before we arrived about feeling like everyone was judging her and I assured her that wouldn't happen. To just relax.

It was actually Sam who managed to successfully take the edge of everybody. He didn't know the full story of what happened to Jade a few years ago but he knew enough to know, his big sister being in a restaurant was momentous and he was really cute telling her he would eat her left overs for her if she wanted. Jade laughed and told him they had a deal.

Actually the meal went really well. I can't really talk about the food right now because just the thought of it is making my hangover a million times worse but it was delicious and Jade did great. She took a while to trust it and stuck mostly to the salad but did eat some of her pasta in the end. No one mentioned it and I made sure the waiter didn't say anything when he took it away.

It was only after the meal that it all went mad. We went back to my house and it turned out Jade, Beck, and Andre had invited waaay more people than I expected and my house was completely full to capacity. The music was loud and everyone was dancing and having fun. I even got to wear a crown that said Birthday Princess on it. I told Jade I was going to save this for her birthday but she warned me if I dare put a crown on her she'd not be responsible for any injuries caused.

To be honest after that everything'ss kind of blurry, but just this once (and only because I was completely incapacitated) I'm going to let Jade fill you in on what happened last night whilst I go bury my extremely sore head and look for my dignity in my pillows and continue to block out the flashbacks. Blaahh.

_Okay I can't actually believe I'm being trusted with this little journal because Tori treats it like her own personal bible or something. Last night was by far the funniest night of my life. We got back to Tori's and immediately Cat pulled out a bottle of Tequila and started pouring shots. I declined for obvious reasons but I think nearly all our friends drank it. Even Robbie. *shakes head* _

_And this is where it got interesting. A few shots in and my beautiful but absolute lightweight of a girlfriend was giddy as a little kid on a diet of artificially coloured candy. She went round everyone and showered them with hugs and confessions of adoration. I decided to stay close by watching to make sure she didn't go completely crazy but Beck and Kitty came over and asked me to have a glass of champagne with them. I said no straight away but after I thought about it, I realised I was saying no for the wrong reasons and decided it's my girlfriends birthday, what the hell._

_That was probably the only time I was tipsy the whole night. I had a couple of drinks and then found Tori and we danced together for a while. She always says I'm the sexual one and the one who likes PDA a little too much but last night was completely the opposite. She kept groping my ass and in front of everyone. I let her do it for a while because hey, if she wants to feel my butt she can feel away but when her hands came round the front I drew the line._

_"Baby you really don't want to do this here." I smirked, moving her hands back to my waist._

_"Why?" Tori questioned me, devilishly._

_"You know why." I reprimanded. Tori pouted and I kissed her. Who knew she'd turn out to be the horny drunk. She started giggling to me nonsensically about something or other and then complementing me on my hair whilst I struggled to keep up with what the hell she was talking about_

_"You're wasted." I laughed._

_"Am not."_

_"Are too." I grinned. She sighed and leant her head on my shoulder as we continued to sway to the music. I wrapped my arms around her content and danced with her until the song finished. It was at this point I considered being the good girlfriend and taking her to get some water when suddenly Andre's voice blasted through the microphone. The lights went out and everyone began to sing happy birthday and Cat brought out the birthday cake that her and I spent hours in the early hours of yesterday evening baking and decorating. Tori was ecstatic again and after she blew the candles out everyone passed around more champagne and started toasts. _

_When it came to Tori's turn to thank everyone for coming she was hilarious. She went round everyone declaring her love for them all and saying how happy she was. And then finally when the microphone was passed to me I kept it short and sweet. I said I loved her and congratulations on turning 21 and made a joke about having to take care of this mess in the morning which turned out not to be too far from the truth to be honest. Everyone drank and clapped and the evening carried on._

_Somehow I lost track of her for a couple of hours or so and I ended up just talking to Andre, Cat, Robbie, Sam, Sammie and Emma. I guess that means we can blame them for the state she was in when we next saw her. She was staggering when she sat down on the couch next to me and within seconds she'd burst into tears, blubbering about how she so sooooo loved me._

_"Tori don't cry." I laughed, wrapping an arm around her._

_"I can't help it." She slurred, crying even more._

_"It's your birthday, you're supposed to smile!" I told her, shaking my head at Andre who was snapping pictures of this on his phone._

_"O-O-kay" Tori sniffed, tears streaming down her face._

_"Do you know why you're crying?" I asked doubtfully._

_"I just wanted to find you. But I found you now. Yay." She mumbled something a long those lines and I laughed. Somehow that set her off and she was kind of half crying, half laughing._

_"I'll fetch her some water." Andre laughed as I wiped away her tears with the corner of my sleeve. Once we'd stopped the flow of tears she went back to being giddy drunk Tori but I stayed with her the rest of the night just holding her hand and keeping her upright whilst she said goodbye to everyone. Once the house was empty other than us and the resounding mess that had been left behind, I turned to my silly girlfriend and just laughed._

_"Don't laugh at me." Tori wailed. I put my hands up and tried to hold in my smirks before helping her upstairs to bed. I'm not sure if she plans on ever getting that drunk again but it was definitely funny and a memorable 21st.. well for us at least._

Jade made it sound worse than it really was. Okay yes I cried a tiny, _tiny_ bit but I was just feeling very emotional. In fact for telling the story that way I've just decided I'm definitely getting Jade a birthday princess crown for her 21st. Speak to you soon journal, preferably when I'm not dying from a hangover!

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**Haha poor Tori x**


	50. Chapter 50

**Thank you so so soooo much for the 300 reviews, especially to those who review every chapter! It means a lot and you're amazing! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/06/2015.

Unfortunately we might have hit a slight bump in the road. We went out for another meal for Andre's birthday a few weeks ago and then Beck came over to mine and invited us to another of the exact same thing a few days later. Jade didn't even pretend to hide her disappointment that this was how Beck had chosen to celebrate his birthday and stormed out of my house slamming several doors on the way. Leaving Beck and I wondering what exactly he'd said wrong.

"It's another fucking meal in a restaurant!" She yelled when I confronted her the next day

"So?" I asked bewildered. Jade exhaled and covered both her eyes with her hands.

"We've just been for a meal out!" Jade growled.

"Babe it's his birthday." I sighed sitting down next to her and rubbing her back. "I know you find it stressful—"

"You don't understand how uncomfortable I feel!" Jade interrupted.

"No I probably don't." I agreed with her calmly, "But I do understand that Beck is your childhood best friend and you've been through a lot together and you would both feel really sad if you weren't there."

Jade exhaled once more and thought long and hard about the restaurant. I was extremely curious to know what exactly she was thinking about because she got a piece of paper and started calculating something. I never understand this. She always manages to find some sort of sum or equation to do to justify eating something she doesn't want to eat and I guess it must work for restaurants too.

"Fine." Jade sighed. "I'll go to the damn restaurant."

"It will be okay I promise." I kissed her on the cheek. She was frowning but I was sure she'd be fine. Her worries about eating out were irrational ones. There was absolutely nothing to worry about.

When we arrived at the restaurant Jade was obviously panicking and kept crying which I felt really guilty about. She said she wasn't meaning to cry, it was just as though tears couldn't help but fall from her eyes and when the starters were placed on the table it only seemed to get worse. She hid it well from Beck but Jenn noticed and took her out for a while.

"Is Jade okay?" Beck asked, curious why his mother and her had disappeared.

"Yeah she was just a little overwhelmed i think."

"I thought she was fine with restaurants now." Andre frowned. I grimaced realising 'fine' was far from how she felt about restaurants and maybe I shouldn't have pushed her so hard to come here. I stood up and followed Jenn out to the front. When I found them stood a few steps away from the door Jade was visibly shaking and crying.

"Oh god I'm so sorry. I never should have made you come here." I apologised, reaching out to hold her. Her arms were folded and stiff but I could tell she needed the hug.

"I'm sorry." Jade apologised too.

"I'll come back in ten minutes ok?" Jenn assured us. Jade nodded and just leant against me, snivelling. I didn't say anything for a while, just holding her and letting her cry. When I eventually let go she was considerably less shaken.

"Tell me exactly why you're so upset." I instructed softly.

"I just hate feeling stuck and like I can't leave and everyone is watching and judging me. And I really hate not knowing what's in the food and I just feel completely out of control and that makes me feel like I have to make up for it by puking or something and I haven't done that in so long but I still think about it. And being here makes me feel like shit and I look at everyone else who's eating around me and I'm so disgusted and I just can't deal with it Tori!" Jade managed to say race through all that in one breath.

"Do you think you could stay and just not eat anything?" I asked sadly.

"No." Jade replied immediately.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't go back in there." Jade shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes. "I'm so embarrassed."

"Hey don't be silly, you have no reason embarrassed." I hugged her closely. "I'll go in and get our jackets and we'll go back to mine. Then depending on how you feel later, we could go to the party."

I made sure Jade was definitely alright on her own before going and getting our things. Everyone was distracted and laughing so it was easy for me to discreetly shake my head at Jenn. Jenn smiled sadly and quietly left the table to go see Jade before we left. I also quickly whispered to Beck that we were really sorry but we weren't going to stay. Beck came out with me and gave Jade a big hug and said thank you for trying. She apologised several times before we left but she still seemed frustrated and upset for a good few hours. We did end up going to the party for a while but there was a sort of negativity floating in the air around me and Jade. I don't think we'll be eating in a restaurant again for a long time.

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06/20/2015.

Hi journal.. So today something so so SO amazing happened. I was interviewed and performed on The Ellen Show! I was completely in shock when Ellen told me she had both of my albums. She's honestly an idol of mine and I've always wanted to meet her. She showed a picture of me and Jade on screen which made me blush insane amounts which was so embarrassing. I just get butterflies whenever I see Jade. She's beautiful and amazing and lovely and oh my god here I go again..

After Ellen, I went to straight to Jades because her friend Casper was having a movie night and for the first time ever, he invited me. Sometimes I think her friends don't invite me to things because they're intimidated or think I'll be too busy going to celebrity events or something like that but the truth is I really like them all. And I like doing stuff like this. Just relaxing and getting to be with my girlfriend.

I arrived at the flats trying to ignore all the staring and whispering I could feel around me and immediately met up with Nel and Emma in the entrance. They gave me a hug and then the three of us went up to Casper's together. When we let ourselves in, Jade was already there, but got up and ran over to me as soon as she saw me. We hadn't seen each other in a whole week which kind of felt like forever. I smiled and gave her a hug.

"Ooooh the celebrity has arrived." Casper grinned.

"Ha ha." I smiled, still holding tightly onto Jade whilst she kissed the side of my neck.

"Jadelyn West, we love you but put that tongue away." Ross teased. My eyes widened wondering if Jade would let him get away with full naming her. Sure enough Jade pulled her lips away from my neck and tried to hit Ross over the head with a pillow.

Once everyone had arrived we all voted on the movie selection and lay down on the quilts which Casper had spread out all over the place and the bed to watch. Me and Jade curled up in the corned of the couch with my legs draped over hers and just lightly stroked each other whilst we watched. It was really nice.

"Who wants popcorn?" Emma stood up to go make some in the microwave. She asked around everyone then came to Jade.

"Do you want any? You can come make it yourself if you want?" She asked quietly. Jade thought about it for a second, confirming with me if I wanted any and then eventually coming to a decision.

"Yeah I'll come with." Jade decided, sliding her legs out from underneath mine. I was impressed with how thoughtful Emma had handled that. It made me doubt even myself if I treated Jade that solicitous when it came to food. She does eat things other people have prepared, but she much, much prefers to make it herself.

Once the movie night ended I came back with Jade to her room to stay the night. Jades in the shower right now but the second she comes out I'm going to pounce. I doubt we'll get much sleep tonight and I have to be up at 4.30am for a concert waah. Oh well, thank god for stage makeup!

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07/01/2015.

Do I talk about how proud I am of Jade enough? Definitely not. It's so easy to forget how difficult she finds simple things to do with food that you don't realise how far she's come. She's conquered osteopenia, arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, muscle depletion and numerous nutritional deficiencies, but eating in restaurants.. after the last time, was something I never expected in a million years to happen.

I was lounging around in bed on my laptop when Jade showed up without warning. She has a spare key to my house but she's never used it before and I screamed when she burst into my bedroom unexpected.

"Oh my god Jade, it's just you." I sighed with relief.

"Sorry." Jade smirked, kissing me gently on the lips. "You look nice."

"Erm.. thank you?" I replied confused.. "Wait so do you, whats going on?"

"Me and you are going out for lunch." Jade revealed the real reason she'd showed up here so spontaneously.

"What? Jade we don't have to do that. I don't care that we don't eat out." I assured her instantly.

"Well I do." She replied, "Look I went to Valewood after what happened at Beck's meal and told Ben about what happened and he's been helping me work through it."

"Oh Jade.. you really, really don't have to do this." I shook my head. I didn't want her to feel like she had to eat out, it really wasn't a big thing. There was no reason she ever _had_ to eat in restaurants.

"I want to." Jade insisted. "But you're going to have to help me ok? Baby steps. I already got the menu for the restaurant online and picked what I'm eating so I just have to sit through it. Please."

"Of course I'll come I just don't want you to feel like this is something important because it's really not. It's not the end of the world if you can't eat in restaurants." I said firmly.

"Like I said.. I want to." Jade assured me, pulling me up off the bed "So come on, you're driving."

We went to a cute little cafe on the outskirts of Hollywood and we actually had a really, really nice time. Jade was a lot more relaxed than any of the three previous times we'd eaten out recently and I know it's probably because she's been getting help for it but honestly I think it was the menu. Having the menu beforehand definitely made everything a lot easier on her. It's just so obvious, I feel like I should have known this a long time ago because knowing what to expect at the restaurant is practically half the battle. Next time we're invited out for a meal, the first thing we'll do is get the menus.

"Success means getting up once oftener than you fall down." Jade told me with a wink. "I think we should remember that."

"I like that a lot." I smiled squeezing her hand. And she's right.

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**Review if you like x**


	51. Chapter 51

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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09/29/2015.

I have some really exciting news to share with you today! Trina gave birth last night! She was in labour for twelve hours but at the end of it she delivered a healthy 8lbs, 4oz baby boy. My Mom texted me to tell me it had started and then called me once he'd been born and I could tell from my Mom's voice she was so proud and happy to have a grandson.

So this afternoon, once Trina had had enough time to sleep and recover and everything, Jade and I drove down to the hospital to meet my nephew for the first time. We climbed out of the car and made our way to the entrance. I was so excited but at the same time horribly nervous.

"What if I drop him?" I panicked.

"Well.. don't do that!" Jade advised.

"What if he doesn't like me, what if he cries?" I grabbed Jades wrists, my nerves getting the better of me. "Oh god.. I'll be horrible aunt Tori."

"Tori calm down. Who doesn't like you? And besides he's one day old, he's not old enough to hate yet." Jade rationalised.

"Well you didn't like me at first." I pointed out

"You kissed my boyfriend!"

"You dumped coffee all over my head!" I defended my extremely dubious teenage actions.

"Stop trying to change the subject. You'll be fine. He's just a baby." Jade assured me "Babies are just small, messy, noisy human beings."

"But I'm not good with babies!" I insisted "You're fine, you have younger brothers, you're experienced. Whereas I am the youngest child in my entire extended family. Oh my god he's going to hate me."

"Look snap out of it. You'll be fine." Jade insisted, dragging me reluctantly into the elevator.

The maternity suite was on the eleventh floor and there was just us and an elderly couple in the elevator. I was practically hyperventilating. Jade rolled her eyes and came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders and back. I glanced at the couple who looked slightly disdained and then back at Jade who had evidently seen their reaction too. I recognised that mischievous look in her eye and I could feel the kiss before her lips even touched me. I grabbed her wrists and gave her a warning look but luckily the doors opened and the couple got out.

"Stop making old people feel uncomfortable." I chastised.

"Shut up you love it." Jade grinned. I shook my head but smiled and kissed her again anyway. And by the time we'd finished kissing, the elevator had reached the eleventh floor.

When we finally found Trina's room we knocked quietly and came in. Luckily the newborn was awake and my parents and Dante were also there. I gave Trina a hug first and then hugged both my parents. Dante showed me over to the tiny crib were my nephew was dressed in a tiny white onesie and wiggling around. My heart melted instantly.

"Oh my god Trina he's so cute!" I cooed.

"I know and he's all mine!" Trina smiled.

"Have you guys named him yet?" Jade asked interestedly.

"Uh huh." Trina smiled, "Dante?"

"His name is Finley Emiliano Vega Mendez." Dante told us proudly "But Finn for short."

"Hi Finn." I smiled, stroking his tiny arm. "Aren't you just the cutest baby in the whole wide world."

"Do you want to hold him?" My Mom offered me.

"Uhhh.." I hesitated nervously.

"Yeah she would." Jade smiled, nudging me forward.

"I'm fine, I mean he looks quite comfortable there actually." I tried to get out of it.

"Trust me she wants to." Jade insisted. I shook my head but Jade pushed me forwards into the seats anyway. "She's scared."

"I'm not scared.. I'm just.." I trailed off, my heart racing as I watched Dante lift the tiny newborn up and turn towards me. "Jade sit next to me!"

Finn was passed gently into my arms and to my huge relief he didn't cry. I was extremely unsure at first and was terrified I wasn't holding him right but somehow I got used to it. We took lots of photographs and Finn got cuddles with everyone, including Jade who was a natural with him just as I'd expected her to be.

I'm so happy Finn is part of our family now. It's really exciting being an auntie and even more exciting to think that Trina is a Mom! Even though I was scared at first, I kind of hope Trina she me to babysit sometime. Finn is so, so, SO cute and I'm determined to be the best auntie ever.

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12/25/2015.

Happy Christmas Journal! This year has been such a different Christmas than any of the other years. I went to my parents place to celebrate with my parents, cousins, aunties and uncles and of course Trina, Dante and Finn. I can't believe how much Finn had grown already! He cried a lot though and Trina and Dante were literally up and down all day, feeding him, changing him, rocking him.. having a baby looks like a lot of hard work.

It was directly after Christmas dinner that the huge surprise happened. Dante got down on one knee in front of everyone and proposed. Trina screamed and said yes and Dante put the biggest emerald and diamond engagement ring on her finger. It was so cute and honestly I think Trina surprised herself even with how selfless she was. There was no elaborate show, fancy dinner or fireworks. It was just in front of her family and she loved it.

The majority of the rest of the day was spent with Trina completely overexcited about being engaged and her and Mom fantasising about everything to do with the wedding. From her wedding dress to colours and themes. She said something about wanting to lose 20 lbs and although I didn't mean to, I visibly flinched. My Dad wrapped an arm around me understandingly but I kept quiet. I wasn't going to ruin her special moment by being overly sensitive to talking about weight loss.

Jade went to Jenn's for Christmas along with Sam and Charlie as they have done for the past few years. I have no idea what their Father and Stepmother do on Christmas day and I'm not sure Jade does either. But I don't think any of them mind. Jade prefers to be with Jenn during times like this, the twins are just happy to be out of their house and the Olivers accept them into their family with open arms. It's an unusual situation but somehow it works out.

However Jade and I have arranged to meet up in Elsaridge park at 8pm. I don't really know why we've decided on there, we just really wanted to spend some of Christmas together and Elsaridge is sort of our place. It's where we make memories.

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12/26/2015.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I had the craziest conversation with Jade last night! Remember how I told you yesterday that I was planning on meeting up with Jade at the park? Well we did. We met up near the steps and climbed up together. After wandering around for a little while we found a grassy area to sit and chat in. Jade was curled up on my knee and we were both just relaxed completely, hugging and kissing each other.

"I can't believe Trina got engaged before you. Before any of us actually." Jade said, resting her head against my shoulder.

"Well she is almost 2 years older than us." I pointed out.

"Still.. She's Trina!"

"Don't be mean." I poked her rip teasingly. Jade smiled smug.

"Well when we get married, I'll propose to you completely different." Jade said surely. As soon as the words left her lips I think we were both shocked. But not because it was awkward or uncomfortable, but because we were so okay with it.

"When we get married huh?" I smiled, butterflies filling my stomach.

"Of course." Jade smiled briefly back. "That is if you'd say yes because I'm not asking if you're going to reject me."

"I'd say yes." I replied shyly. It was only then I blushed as a kind of weird silence fell between us. Neither us knew what to say to each other but we kept kind of catching each other's eye and smiling and laughing. After about the eight attempt at conversation which turned into giggles Jade rolled her eyes and just leant in and kissed me. I closed my eyes and just held onto her. It was like time stopped. Maybe I've known for a long time, but tonight honestly confirmed it for me. Jade is the one.

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01/30/2016.

So.. I went with Jade to her twice annually physical and psychological assessment at the hospital today and for the first time since she's been out of inpatient I feel uneasy about the results.

Don't get me wrong okay, especially you Jade if you're reading this (because I know you do.) You have done _amazing_ and continue to amaze me every day with how hard you work on your diet and eating and everything. But we both know the assessment today didn't go too great.

I was completely shocked when the doctor revealed that Jade had lost a total of fourteen pounds since her last check up in July bringing her weight dangerously close to the underweight category. Both of us were shocked and Jade was visibly upset this had happened and we had to go out for a minute just so she could recover from the shock. She genuinely didn't seem to realise she'd lost weight.

When she eventually calmed down, we came back in and the doctor continued with the results. Her blood tests revealed she was lacking in several nutrients and most crucially iron making her anaemic. Jade looked mortified when he told her and I think my jaw dropped too. I was just in utter disgust that I hadn't noticed this happening?

I was trying to keep calm and not make a big deal out of it for Jades sake but the doctor was adamant he wanted reasons why this had happened. For some reason, Jade just didn't seem to have them. She confessed that she'd not been particularly dedicated to eating three meals a day recently and thought that two was better for her but the doctor was unrelenting about it and said that reducing her diet to two meals a day was an unhealthy idea and to bring it back up to three. Jade said she would.

Trying to be positive about this, not everything went bad. The electrocardiograph showed that her heart was doing okay and the bone density test showed that her bones were unchanged. Both extremely important things when

I don't know what happened during the psychological check up because that part is strictly confidential but Jade said that part at least went as normal. I wanted to question her further on what happened but Jade just sighed, asked if we could drop it and could we just get coffee and I agreed.

Hopefully I'm worrying about nothing. It could just have been a flukey assessment or maybe she's been overstressed or something. but I really don't like that she's lost weight. It resurfaces too many memories from all her earlier relapses and I know that going through all that again.. it would hurt.

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02/01/2015.

This is bad timing but there's nothing I can do about it now. I leave today for my three month tour. I was absolutely and unequivocally excited to go on this tour until the doctors appointment the other day which just got me worried about J. She's promised me she's not restricting or purging so I'm inclined to believe her. Jade never breaks promises. But that doesn't explain the weight loss. I told her to do a food diary and to send me a copy and I've got Beck on the case. He's recently moved into an apartment with his girlfriend Kitty only round the corner from Jade's so he's close enough to just.. drop in from time to time.

Wish me luck on the tour! It's by far the biggest, craziest and most elaborate show I've ever been involved in so I'm hoping all the fans will love it! I said goodbye to Jade who promised to try and visit me in for Valentines day. Oh my God I'm going to miss her. I officially hate leaving her but it's just something I have to do.. She'll be fine.

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**x**


	52. Chapter 52

**Not many chapters left to go now. x**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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06/15/2021.

I wish I could tell you that Jade had kept her promise in 2016, but the truth is.. that episode of weight loss was a great big warning sign. Somehow Jade managed to convince herself that what she was doing wasn't really bulimia. She believed her own lies that what she was doing wasn't harming her body and if anything that's probably what kept us all in the dark for so long. Even she didn't believe it was a relapse until it was almost too late.

The tour went off with a bang and my dreams were absolutely coming true, living the pop star life, with huge audiences singing my songs back to me. Jade did manage to meet up with me for Valentines day and honestly it was great. We had an amazing few days together and Jade came to all of my shows which was so sweet of her. The evenings we spent in expensive hotels, usually naked and being crazy. I didn't even get an inkling that something was going on. And when she went back to LA, I wasn't worried about her anymore. She seemed completely fine.

It was a week before the end of my tour when everything came crashing down again. I'd literally only just woken up when I got a call from Jade. I smiled, surprised she'd called me and accepted the call only for my smile to drop instantly.

"Hey baby." I answered brightly.

"Tori.." Jade croaked my name into the phone.

"Hey what's wrong?" I asked immediately concerned. I could tell from just that one little word that she was upset.

"I.. I did something stupid." Jade whimpered.

"What did you do Jade?" I asked sternly. My heart was pounding absolutely terrified to find out what this was about. And why she sounded so weird. She was frighteningly quiet for a moment, just breathing heavily and crying.

"You're going to be mad." Jade croaked.

"Baby I won't, just tell me." I softened my voice. I was already rummaging in my bag for my work phone to get some help to her, somehow it was like an alarm was going off in my head and I could tell she needed help.

"I took something." Jade admitted in tears.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked completely shocked. The Jade I knew would never abuse drugs.. except then I remembered.. she kind of did and I'd already had to witness her do it once before with the ipecac. My voice harrowed. "What did you take Jade?"

"I took some pills I got online, they're emetics but they're not working I'm just burning up and I'm so dizzy."

"Okay shit, have you thrown up?" I scrolled through my contacts looking for Beck's number.

"No but I feel awful, ughhh I'm so stupid." Jade breathed heavily in and out, I could tell she probably was going to puke soon but I could only imagine how frightened she was that they weren't working yet.

"Just hang on baby don't you dare go off the phone. I'm just going to call Beck but I'm still here, I'll be on my other phone." I informed her, but I wasn't sure she could hear me. She was crying on the other line. Beck's phone rang but he didn't pick up until the tenth ring and by this point Jade was gasping for breath and groaning.

"Beck where are you?" I asked panicked.

"I'm in the library why?" Beck asked in confusion.

"You need to get to Jade. She's taken some diet thing, I don't know what but she sounds lucid on the other line. Please, please go check on her."

"Of course, I'll be there in five minutes."

"Jade, Beck's coming over. You let him in okay?" I instructed gently.

"Okay." Jade replied between her crying.

"You're alright. You're going to be fine." I assured her. Truthfully I didn't know at all. From the little I knew about emetics, they were poisons which was what made you be sick in the first place. But if they weren't working.. that could seriously be dangerous. Jade sounded in agony and I could hear her desperately gagging herself, it was completely awful. Beck was still on the other phone so he could overhear me talking to Jade. He assured me he was two minutes away. I felt completely useless.

It was an anxious wait for Beck to arrive but I heard through both phones when he got there. I was so, so glad he was there so fast.

"Jade go answer the door, you're going to be okay." I told her.

"I can't." Jade wailed.

"You can, you need to." I begged her "You need to let Beck in, please." It took another five minutes but I heard the scuffle and eventually Jade unlocked her front door and Beck was in. It was seconds later I heard her double over and throwing up. I only hoped it was enough to get the pills out.

"Woah are you ok?" Beck asked Jade nervously.

"Mmmm" Jade moaned, gagging repeatedly.

"Ok we're going to go to the bathroom." Beck helped her up. I kept quiet just listening anxiously Beck was being so good about it and reassuring her she'd be okay but in reality, none of us knew that.

"Just wait with her there I'm coming, I'm in Chicago, I can get the next flight out." I started frantically gathering my things and changing into some clothes. I could hear Jade choking, desperately trying to throw up but unable to.

"Jade do you need an ambulance?" I overheard Beck asking her in the distance. My heart stopped. I was seriously hoping it wouldn't come to that but Beck was there in person, he would know better if it was necessary. "Tor I'm going to have to hang up."

"Wait! Use Jades phone!" I insisted. It was the absolute worst feeling in the world not having any idea what was going on and obviously if she needed an ambulance then this was serious. I listened to Beck answering the emergency service operator questions and with every question I was more and more relieved medical help was on the way.

"What did you take Jade?" Beck asked her clearly but I didn't hear her answer.

"I have no idea, she's a recovering bulimic it could be anything." Beck explained to the operator. "Yeah.."

Suddenly the worst combination of sounds I think I could have ever heard through a phone happened. The sound of my girlfriends head and body whacking on the bathroom floor, the clatter of the phone and Beck shouting.

"JADE!" I screamed completely panicked. I could barely hear Beck's voice through the muffle of what now sounded like a scramble.

"She's collapsed.. she's like fitting or something." I heard Beck tell the operator on the other phone. Tears were streaming down my cheeks listening to the panic on the other end of the phone.

"Baby.. I love you. Please, please, please be ok."

Those were the last words I spoke before the phone cut out and I really was left completely in the dark. All I knew was that I had to get back to LA immediately so I left that hotel room, took a cab to the airport and paid an extortionate price for the very next flight home.

I put my sunglasses on and huddled up so that noone on the sudden journey home would recognise me and see that I was crying. I was so, so worried and even more angry. She'd obviously lied to me about this. She had me going completely that she didn't do this anymore. As far as I was concerned bulimia was part of her past. But it's true what they say, you never know whats going on behind closed doors.

Neither of us know why that relapse happened. She had everything going right for her at the time. College, friends, relationship, security, ambition. But eating disorders aren't that simple. They don't understand that.

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**Review if you want to.**


	53. Chapter 53

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious**

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04/27/2016.

Today has been a roller coaster in terms of emotions. I'm actually, for the first time in the three months I've been doing a full length concert every night, completely exhausted. I don't get angry often but after what happened this morning, I just couldn't help but feel furious when I arrived at the hospital.

Within minutes of the plane touching earth in LA I was hailing a cab to take me to the hospital. Beck had already texted me which ward she was in and let me know she'd was being treated for an overdose. We had decided not to let anyone else know that Jade was in hospital because we didn't want to have to do the rounds of explaining to Jenn, Sam, Charlie, Cat, Andre, her Dad and numerous other people what she had done and for the time being, she was in a stable condition. After I'd filled out a form, I was directed to a waiting room on the third floor of the hospital and immediately reunited with Beck.

"You made it." Beck stood up and gave me a tight, reassuring hug.

"Of course I did." I sighed, hugging him back. "She's fine yes?"

"I saw her briefly before and she's fragile, but yes essentially she's fine."

"What the hell happened? The phone cut out."

"Sit down.." Beck grimaced, gesturing to some seats. The two of us sat down and I listened to Beck explain what sounded like a horror story to me. Jade was going into some sort of shock and her body was shaking unnaturally. Under the operators instruction, Beck ended up sticking his fingers down her throat to trigger her gag reflex and force her to puke out as much as possible. If he hadn't done that and any more of those emetics got into her blood stream she would either have died from a heart attack or suffered serious brain damage. The paramedics arrived and the second she was moved to the ambulance they began pumping her stomach. By this point Jade had woken up but Beck stayed by her side and looked after her until they got to the hospital.

"She's lucky she's alive!" I exclaimed horrified.

"I think she knows that Tori. Be gentle with her." Beck suggested but I shook my head.

"No Beck. She has had gentle and evidently that doesn't work! She needs to understand how life threateningly stupid this is!" I insisted. She couldn't keep getting away with putting her body through this.

"You do realise she overdosed right?" Beck added.

"What do you mean?"

"Recommended dosage is two capsules + one additional if necessary." Beck said solemnly "Jade took fourteen."

"What?!" I exclaimed appalled.

"She's on suicide watch." Beck finished.

"Oh my god." I shook my head devastated. Jade wasn't suicidal. Or at least that's what I thought.. no knew. Sure she had issues but she wanted to live, she wouldn't do this to die. Beck and I sat in silence for another half hour whilst I just processed everything and waited for someone to come and let us in. Unfortunately this just gave me more time to fester more anger and disgust with her. By the time a nurse called us through I was wrathful.

Jade was lying in the centre of the hospital bed and was completely sheet white in colour. A doctor was just finishing talking to her about something to do with her heart and she nodded solemnly, not meeting anyones eye. When the doctor closed the door, you could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

"Don't do that to me again Jade." I broke the silence with vicious tone. "Don't you ever do that again!" Jade didn't say anything or look me in the eye, but just sniffed and let a couple of tears drip down her cheeks.

"Jesus we could have lost you! If Beck hadn't been in uni that day you'd be dead Jade!" I shouted.

"I'm sorry." Jade croaked.

"Damn right you're sorry! I cant even look at you!" I shouted in disgust.

"Tori." Beck chastised me. But I didn't listen

"No beck do not defend her on this! Do you want to leave me? Do you hate me so much that you'd put me through that?"

"No I love you." Jade looked at me for the first time since I'd got here.

"Well you don't act like it!" I denounced. "You lie to me over and over again!"

"I'm sorry."

"You have no idea why you're losing weight? No idea? I believed that crap Jade and once again you're not sorry about it. You're just sorry that you've been caught! Are you proud of this?"

"No."

"Come on Jade you practically worship those pictures of you when you were 80lbs! You love it! You are fucking proud. Admit it!"

"Okay it makes me proud. I'm fucked up in the head alright!? I know that!" Jade sobbed, wiping flood of tears from under her eyes.

"After everything you've been through. After everything everyone's done for you!" I berated.

"I never meant for it to get this far." Jade said quietly.

"Oh of course you didn't which explained why you took twelve pills more than the safe dosage? What the hell! How does that make any sense?" I yelled.

"Tori." Beck pulled me firmly out of the room and for some reason I let him.

"Tori stop, look at her! Stop shouting at her. You're just being mean!"

"She's going to relapse and end up back where we were a couple of years ago if someone doesn't say something!"

"She almost died Tori. Look at how upset and scared she is right now. You just made that worse." Beck scolded, "She needed you to love her and look after her and tell her she'll be okay. Not whatever that was."

"She took fourteen dodgy emetics that she bought online! It's just idiotic!" I exclaimed.

"It was a cry for help Tori." Beck disagreed. I ran a hand through my hair and kept quiet. I never thought of it that way.

"Go take a walk and calm down. Come back when you see things more clearly."

"Fine." I sighed. Beck went back into Jade's room and I made my way back to the waiting room. I sat down on one of the chairs and thought about my reaction and how Beck had seen it and I just started to cry. I didn't mean to be mean. I just wanted her to understand how dangerous this was. I was just so, so scared.

I needed a distraction and a break from thinking about this so I phoned my manager and told him there was no way I could perform tonight or tomorrow. He was completely furious with me and told me I had to. I told him my girlfriend had tried to commit suicide. It stretched the truth but I needed to say something to get him off my back. We organised an official statement to be given out to fans that a relative was rushed to hospital, and that I was incredibly sorry to everyone who bought tickets. The majority of the refunds would come out of my pay check but I didn't care by this point.

About an hour or so later I felt a lot calmer and just wanted to tell Jade how sorry I was for that outburst and make sure she was okay so I took a deep breath and made my way back to the room. I thought I was composed but after I knocked and quietly let myself back in I was heartbroken to see Jade curled up in a ball on Beck's knee and crying. Beck was just rubbing her back and hushing her and I doubt she'd even noticed I'd come back. Beck raised an eyebrow and looked down at Jade as if I needed him to make me feel any worse.

"Jade." I placed a hand on her back and waited for her to notice I was here. "I love you." Jade sniffed but didn't move from her childlike position.

"I love you and I'm sorry." I tried again, unintentionally crying myself. Jade still didn't move. "Beck would you give us some time alone please?"

"Is that ok?" Beck asked Jade. To my relief she nodded and shuffled out of his lap. Beck kissed her hair before getting out of the bed.

"I'm going to get going but call me if you need me alright?" Beck said to her. Jade nodded.

"You too ok?" Beck stopped to give me a hug on the way out. I nodded and hugged him back. Once he'd gone I turned back to Jade who was lying in the bed, her eyes red with tears and looking down at her hands. I stepped closer and intertwined my fingers with hers.

"I'm sorry" Jade sniffed.

"No I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you like that." I cried.

"I deserved it." Jade replied.

"You didn't deserve it. You almost died and you were terrified and I made it worse."

"I shouldn't have taken the pills."

"No but thank god you called me when you did." I ran my fingers through her long pretty black hair and bent down to kiss her cheek. Jade closed her eyes and whimpered. It was a scary thought if she hadn't called for help that she would probably be lying dead in her apartment. I sighed as Jade leant her head in my hand

"I thought we were passed this."

"Was this a one time thing?"Jade shook her head guiltily. "How long has this been going on?"

"I've been taking all different emetics about twice a week since December."

"Oh god Jade.." I wailed devastated it had got so bad

"I'm trying to stop." Jade grabbed my arm as if to assure me.

"You should tell me about these things." I stressed. But Jade just shook her head.

"How can I tell you Tori?.. Oh hi babe, hope you're having a great time on heart fm. Oh by the way I threw up my dinner last night and I can't afford to go out on friday because i just spent $300 on emetics online." Jade burst into tears.

"Shhh" I hugged her again tightly. "Listen to me. I don't care if its 3o'clock in the morning. Or if I'm in the middle of whatever concert, interview, recording. I don't care. If you feel triggered, you tell me!"

"I'm so sorry." Jade apologised again.

"It's okay." I assured her, holding her in my arms. I sat down on her bedside and hugged her properly.

"I really, really let you down this time." Jade sniffed, wiping her eyes.

"No you didn't, you just scared me to death." I cuddled and kissed her cheek. "I'm disappointed but it's happened and we can't undo it, so lets just get you through this."

We had to sit there for another two hours before finally the doctor treating her came in to speak to her.

"Thanks to the actions of your friend, you didn't cause any permanent damage to your stomach lining and your heart is normal. You have built up a large quantity of ipecac in your system which unfortunately has accumulated over a long period of time. If you continue abusing emetics like this the end result is death."

"I understand." Jade said solemnly. The doctor looked sympathetic as he handed Jade a clipboard with a form attached to it.

"Sign these forms and we can discharge you after a brief chat with one of the psychiatrists."

"Thanks." Jade mumbled accepting the forms and immediately filling them in.

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked gently. I knew whatever the psychiatrist wanted to talk to her about would be extremely private but she didn't seem to want to be alone right now.

"Yeah." Jade nodded. Her hands were shaking as she tried to fill out the forms so I leant across and placed my hand over her wrist in an attempt to stable her.

"I won't let you die." I whispered.

"Thank you." Jade sniffed, continuing to fill out the details. I watched silently as she completed the discharge papers. She was about to write Jenn as her emergency contact but stopped and wrote my details instead. She'd just finished the form and laid her head down on my shoulder when the psychiatrist came in the room.

"Hi Jade, My name's Tali, I'm a young persons psychiatrist with a specialism in eating disorders, how are you feeling?" The red headed psychiatrist introduced herself as she took a seat on a chair next to the bed and read over some information she'd been given.

"A bit better now." Jade replied.

"Glad to hear it." Tali smiled "Would you like your friend to step out of the room or are you okay with her being here?"

"No it's fine, she's my girlfriend I don't care if she hears." Jade replied.

"Alright." Tali smiled. "How about you start by telling me a little bit about you and what you've been through with bulimia?"

"Do I have to?" Jade groaned.

"A short version would be great if you find it too difficult." Jade gave the psychiatrist a brief outline of her time at Valewood but left out a lot of the details. I think she was just too tired to go over all that.

"So you've been feeling better but this morning you took a potentially lethal dose of emetics, what made you take them?" Jade shrugged and the psychiatrist pressed further.

"Were you suicidal?"

"No of course not." Jade sighed.

"As I understand you're familiar with these drugs, you knew overdosing on them would be dangerous"

"I— I just wanted to throw up." Jade insisted.

"But why did you take so many pills?"

"They weren't working fast enough so I took more." Jade explained.

"What was your mental state like when you did that?" The psychiatrist asked seriously

"What do you think?" Jade rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"Jade." I shook my head.

"I was terrified because I'd binged and I thought if I didn't get it out soon I'd get fat." Jade confessed. This alarmed the psychiatrist immensely and she questioned her a lot about it, about what she ate, what she did before she binged, about whether she'd bought the food specifically for a binge.

"Why did you feel like you had to take pills?" The psychiatrist tried one last time.

"Because I ate all the crap. I needed to get rid of the bad!" Jade explained again. The answer just seemed weak to all of us. There is no way she would have taken fourteen pills if all she wanted to do was puke.

"A lot of students feel stress because of exams, studying, peer pressure but you cant let it interfere with your recovery."

"I wasn't stressed." Jade shook her head. "And I thought I'd recovered." This is the point that the psychiatrist looked serious. She put down her pen to look directly at Jade.

"I had a chat with Dr. Taye at Valewood Eating Recovery Center on the phone before." Tali confessed. "Unfortunately based on what happened today we have no choice but to revoke you to a bulimia diagnosis."

"No!" Jade started crying again.

"Shh it's okay" I rubbed her arm gently.

"No please I'm better. I swear I am!" Jade begged with the psychiatrist.

"Prove it to me. Three times a week with Dr. Clarke, group therapy and daily diet logs." Tali ordered.

"I have college and exams, I don't have time for this!" Jade cried.

"You need to prioritise your health Jade. I'm sorry." Jade completely broke down at this point and was sobbing into the thin white pillow of her hospital bed. I wrapped my arm around her at a loss of what to say.

"Once she's calmed down she just has to hand the discharge papers in to reception and your free to take her home." Tali advised me.

"Thank you." I replied to the psychiatrist who quietly left the room.

"Hey look at me," I ordered Jade "Baby look at me." Eventually she stopped sobbing and turned to face me looking terrified and devastated.

"I don't want the tube." Jade shook her head.

"You are not getting a tube. You are nowhere near that far gone ok? It's just a little relapse." I rubbed her back. "Come on you're coming back to mine."

* * *

**Don't forget to read part 2 x**


	54. Chapter 54

**Make sure you read part 1 before this one! x**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.  
****Disclaimer: I don't own the song she is the sunlight.**

* * *

04/28/2016.

Hi Journal it's the morning after what can only be described as one of the worst days of my life. Jade's still here, she's in the shower right now so I thought I'd give you an update of what's been going on. When we got back to mine yesterday evening, it was evident Jade was still very weak from the medication. She was exhausted after the awful day she'd had and on top of everything, she was sick a little bit during the journey. I just wanted her tucked up in bed and resting and at least somewhere she didn't feel like she had zero shred of dignity. But she was too tired to move.

"Jade I promise once you're in bed you're going to feel a hundred times better." I said after she refused to climb out of the car for the eighth time.

"I just need ten minutes." Jade wailed.

"You can have as long as you like once we get you into bed." I insisted. "Come on I'll help you." Eventually Jade let me help her out of the car and we walked slowly to my bedroom so she could lie down. She was debilitated the moment we got there and unable to do anything else so I undressed her and tucked her under the quilt.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Jade replied tiredly.

"Are you sure? Do you want me to stay with you?" Jade shook her head. She was on the verge of falling asleep so I kissed her forehead and left her to get some sleep. I went downstairs and pulled out my laptop to check my twitter. Some fans were sympathetic and hoping I was okay. Others seemed completely furious and angry that I'd cancelled two concerts. I was so glad that the last four were in California because otherwise I would have been cancelling those too. Around 8pm Beck called me.

"Hey how's she doing?" Beck asked concernedly. "Are you home?"

"Yeah I brought her back to mine. She's tired. The psychiatrist gave her a bit of a grilling before and decided she's got bulimia again." I revealed "I'm going to make her stay here for a while because I don't trust her to live by herself right now. I just don't think she's stable enough."

"Is she getting admitted?"

"Hopefully not. She's got a lot of therapy to get through and it's easy to tell they're concerned at Valewood because they've phoned twice but she's still with us at the moment."

"Ok well I'll come over and see her tomorrow, if thats ok?"

"Of course its ok, you don't have to ask my permission." I reprimanded.

"Just checking." Beck chuckled. "She's your girlfriend."

"Who you saved's life today" I reminded him. "Thank you for that by the way, I know not everyone would have done that."

"It was nothing." Beck replied modestly "When I was jamming my fingers down her throat, all I could think about was how she's got so much to live for you know? She's an amazing, intelligent, talented person. She just.. struggles sometimes."

"Seriously thank you for saving her life." I repeated.

"You don't need to thank me. Just look after her for me yeah?"

"I will." I assured him before hanging up. I lay my head back down on the couch with my eyes closed for a moment just trying to clear my mind from everything. I opened my eyes and my ears were alerted when I heard the slight sound of footsteps behind me.

"Hey." Jade said, sitting down on the couch next to me.

"Hey how are you feeling?"

"A lot better." Jade replied, wrapping her arms around my stomach and resting her head against my shoulder.

"I was thinking of ordering a take away for dinner, you want in?" I suggested. Jade shook her head.

"I can't afford it."

"My treat." I offered. Jade shook her head and let go of my body.

"Can I just have some toast please?" Jade asked weakly.

"Yeah thats fine, just have whatever you want." I replied, watching as she stood up and solemnly made her way to the kitchen to defrost some bread to put in the toaster. I followed her in and heated up some soup for myself. It was an awkward silence whilst we ate. I was watching her and she knew it. As soon as she finished I watched her internally battle urges which I knew had probably been happening for a long time. She tried her best not to let it show but it was obvious.

"Come here." I said eventually. Jade shuffled back over to the couch and I bundled her up into a ball and pulled her onto my knee. She instantly began to cry.

"Why can't I just be normal?" Jade sobbed.

"You are normal." I replied immediately.

"I'm not, I'm fucking messed up!" Jade screeched. I didn't say anything just listening to Jade's sorry confessions. She didn't think she could recover. She wanted to throw up the toast she'd just eaten. She couldn't think about anything else. She was bawling and seemed above anything else just completely frightened.

"You've had a really difficult day." I reminded her softly "Just close your eyes and try not to think." We stayed like that for the rest of the evening both of us too sad and too tired to attempt much else. I sang to her softly and ran my fingers reassuringly down her spine and up again and before long, she fell asleep.

_And if all the flowers faded away_

_And if all the storm clouds decided to stay_

_Then you would find me_

_Each hour the same_

_Cause she is tomorrow_

_And I am today_

_Cause if right is leaving_

_I'd rather be wrong_

_Cause she is the sunlight_

_The sun is gone_

_And if loving her is_

_Is heartache for me_

_And if holding her means_

_That I have to bleed_

_Then I am the martyr_

_Love is to blame_

_Cause she is the healing_

_And I am the pain_

_She lives in a daydream_

_Where I don't belong_

_Cause she is the sunlight_

_And the sun is gone_

_And it will take this life of regret_

_For my heart to learn to forget_

_Tomorrow will be as it always has been_

_And I will fall to her again_

_For I know I have come too close_

_Cause if right is leaving_

_I'd rather be wrong_

_Cause she is the sunlight_

_And the sun is gone.  
_

My baby is hurt and broken and I don't know how to make it better again. I don't know what to do to help or even to just stop her from getting worse. It's happening again and I feel like she's falling faster than I can catch her this time. I'm heartsick.

* * *

**It's a really beautiful song if you would like to listen, it's sung by Trading Yesterday. x**


	55. Chapter 55

**Don't forget to check the date :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

10/18/2018.

"Before we discharge her we have a list of things that need to happen so that the transition is as safe and successful as possible. We have discussed all these with jade so she knows the situation."

Those were the words I was faced with this morning. Why is it that I've heard this speech in various forms four times now? Why is it that I'm sick and tired of having to hear it?

It's always the same. Jade's hiding pills somewhere in her apartment, she has a cupboard full of binge food and about six pints of ice cream that she doesn't think she could control herself around. I'm reaching breaking point with this to be honest and Jade reached it a long time ago. It's been seven years she's been actively trying to recover and just not. And although this has been a short stay in the clinic by Jade's standards, only needing to be admitted for a month. I really, really don't want to have fetch her here again.

The last time she had to be taken in, Beck had been out of town which had not made things easier because he is often one of the only people who can get through to her when the eating disorder takes over. I had come over to her apartment without a prior warning and the second she let me in, I knew. The stench of vomit filled my nostrils and Jades bloodshot eyes giving away exactly what she'd just been doing.

_"Baby this is the second time this week." I sighed. Even I knew that wasn't entirely accurate. It was the second time she'd been caught more likely the twelfth time she'd don't this this week._

_"No it's not." Jade shrugged, trying to act like there was nothing. I grabbed her wrist._

_"It is and you know what Valewood said.." I said sternly. They told her if it kept going this way, they'd want her as an inpatient again._

_"No, no, no." Jade wailed._

_"Don't panic." I said softly._

_"You can't make me go back to Valewood!" Jade shouted._

_"Jade you're losing weight again, I can see it! I can feel it" I placed my hands on her hips and waist, feeling the little substance she held. Jade pushed my arms away and I exhaled pulling out my phone. I held Jades hand as I phoned the eating disorder center to let them know we were coming. They'd had a room with her name on it for a couple of weeks, I'd been advised to bring her in if this kept happening and it did._

_"Stop it Tori please.."_

_"Hi I'd like to speak to Dr. Taye please." I ignored her request._

_"I wont do it again.. don't do this."_

_"Hi it's Tori Vega… Yeah I think so… She's not going to come easily." The psychiatrist didn't need much explaining for me to get her admitted immediately._

_"I love you.. please give me another chance." Jade begged me_

_"I'll try bring her in voluntarily." I told Dr Taye, all the time looking at Jade who was crying and pleading with me._

_"Jade we're going to go get in the car." I told her the second I hung up._

_"No!" Jade sobbed, bending down and crying into the palms of her hand. I gently rubbed her back. "Please Tori, please!"_

_I sent a quick text to Andre who I knew was working in a studio nearby to come help. When he knocked on the door and I got up to let him in, it didn't take long for Jade to realise what was going on and she was hysterical and started screaming no!_

_"Shh Jade." Andre sat down on the bed. "None of us want to do this, but you know it's for the best."_

_"You can't make me go." Jade cried._

_"You need to go baby, you're sick." I said sadly._

_"I'm not sick, I'm just fat! I'm just fucking fat!" Jade screamed, violently tugging at her the tiny layer of fat on her arms._

_"Okay thats not helping your case baby." I grabbed her hands and held them tightly off her. Andre pulled his sleeves up and bent down to lift her._

_"Andre fuck off!" Jade yelled when he picked her up, luckily she was way too weak and way too small to stop him. There was no way Andre didn't have the strength bonus in this._

_"If you don't come then I'm going to have to phone Valewood again and they'll bring a sedative and admit you forcefully." I said seriously. We didn't want that because that would mean she was immediately under section. If she came voluntarily we could avoid all that._

_"I'm sorry baby, this is for best you know it." Andre repeated as she sighed and gave in lying her head on his shoulder._

_"I hate you Tori. I honestly hate you!" Jade looked me straight in the eyes and told me that. It broke my heart._

_"Okay well I love you." I responded although my throat was aching with sadness. I knew she didn't mean what she was saying, she was not in her right state of mind but it still hurt. Andre gave me a sympathetic look as the three of us left the apartment and I locked the door behind us._

"She's at least in remission." Dr. Taye said to me this morning.

"What do you mean?" I frowned.

"I know it's not what you want to hear but I think you and Jade need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how you want to go forward with this. There's always the option of longterm outpatient treatment at Valewood but you might want to explore other courses of action. Jade could get treatment at another center or explore the possibility of alternative methods. Some people have found things like hypnosis can make a life altering difference." The psychiatrist advised.

"You're giving up on her." I noted the doubtful tone in her voice.

"No we never give up on a resident especially a recurrent one like Jade." Dr. Taye shook her head. "But we want her to beat this as much as you do and it's clear this isn't working for her. Maybe it's time she tried something different."

"I'll talk to her about it." I sighed. "Thank you."

Beck came with me today to pick her up and when she came out she gave us both a relieved, albeit tired looking hug. Beck took her suitcase from her whilst I took hold of her hand and all three of us left Valewood together. No doubt she'd be back here again soon for some kind of outpatient therapy but for now it was goodbye. We dropped Beck off at his new house that he and Kitty shared. Once he climbed out he came to the passenger window and took hold of Jade's hands.

"This is it now. This is you out and fighting and you wont need to go back there." Beck said firmly.

"I hope so." Jade nodded.

"It will be." Beck insisted firmly "Talk to you both soon."

"Bye Beck." I waved him goodbye before starting to drive again. Jade relaxed back in her seat and placed her hand on my leg. I smiled, sneaking a quick glance in her direction before turning back to the road. To my relief, she seemed happy.

"Where are we going?" Jade seemed to finally realise we weren't heading in the direction of either her place or mine.

"You'll see." I grinned. Jade narrowed her eyes and looked out of the window suspiciously. We were headed in the direction of none of our friends, none of family, noone. When I finally pulled in to our destination Jade took a guess.

"You bought a new house?" Jade asked surprised.

"No.." I grinned as I pulled up in the long driveway and parked. "I bought us a new house."

Jade turned to look at me with a suspicious smile and raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Will you live with me?"

"Are you serious?" Jade asked looking out of the windscreen at the large detached house we'd just stopped outside.

"Yes." I admitted shyly. I was really scared about this because I hadn't even asked. I just did it. I just went out one day and saw it and bought it. It was slightly crazy but just walking around the place, I could imagine Jade and I here and it gave me tingles down my spine. I wanted to live with her and in a way, it was safer if she lived with me. It was always safer when she was with someone.

Jade widened her eyes and climbed out of the car. I bit my lip and nervously followed her out. She walked over to the front door and peered through the window.

"You bought this for us?" Jade asked when I followed her over.

"Uh huh." I confirmed. Jade glanced at me

"What's wrong?" Jade frowned

"Are you going to say no?"

"What? Tori.." Jade laughed holding my hand and pecking my lips. "Do you really think I'll say no? This is the best thing that's ever happened." I smiled and let her kiss me again, like she was thanking me for the house. I wrapped my arms around her laughing and just happy.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Jade smiled, kissing my mouth. I couldn't stop smiling and laughed as she started nibbling my neck.

"If you only ate food like you ate me." I teased.

"Bad joke!" Jade laughed, swatting me lightly. I handed her her copy of the key and gestured to the door. Jade still didn't seem to think this was real but once she unlocked the door. I think it hit her. She got the same feeling I did when I stepped in that house. Like we were home.

I gave her a tour from top to bottom. We share the master bedroom but we both have rooms that are like our own space. Mine is like a mini recording studio and Jade's is basically a library and a space for her to do writing. We also have a small cinema room and several spare bedrooms on the second floor. Downstairs there are two living rooms, dining room, music room and a large kitchen, which Jade didn't complain about when she saw the locks I'd installed on everything from the freezer to the cabinets.

"Come in the garden a moment." I directed Jade to the back door. There were a couple of steps down to the decking and then a couple more down to the grass.

"Close your eyes." I instructed.

"What?" Jade questioned.

"Trust me." I grinned. Finally she shut her eyes and I directed her by the hand over to what I wanted to show her. I bent down and opened the cage to the rabbit hutch and picked up the all black baby bunny.

"Open your eyes." I smiled, excited to see her reaction. Jade's eyes lit up when she saw the bunny.

"Who's this!" Jade exclaimed cutely, I let her take the bunny from me and give him a cuddle, whilst I bent down and picked up the grey and white fluffy bunny that I chose for me.

"Just making good on a promise I made. I think I owed you him." I winked. I wondered if she'd even remember me promising her a bunny since it was years ago I said it.

"Oh my god I love him. He's so cute!" Jade stroked the bunnys ears and placed him back down in the cage. I did the same and was overwhelmed when Jade hugged me hard.

"This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me but.. I don't have any money."

"You don't need money. I have more of that than I know what to do with."

"Yeah but I still feel weird. I have to pay for something. I haven't sold a song in years."

"Sell a novel." I said seriously. "I mean it Jade, you have at least nine amazing stories on that laptop, I've read them. You can do it."

Jade kissed me again and somehow we ended up staggering up the stairs to the bedroom and having sex more than three times. It was so good. I was so happy.

"I think we're going to be very, very happy here." Jade smiled, curled up under my arm.

"Me too." I agreed. I've never felt happier than today. It started off rusty and like we had no hope but somehow.. we've turned it round. I'm so glad she agreed to live with me. I just love her so much and can't bare it when she has to go away for months for therapy. I'm not going to get my hopes up and say inpatient is off the cards but I'm serious about this. I want to look after her here. I hope this becomes our safe place.

* * *

**:) Review if you want to x**


	56. Chapter 56

**Have a happy Sunday! It's gay pride here in Edinburgh today so here's a fluffy Jori chapter to celebrate :) xx**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

24/10/2018.

So it's been one week since Jades been out of Valewood, so that makes it one week that we've been living together. Jades doing good. I'm doing good. It's good. In fact it's a lot more than good. It just feels right you know? I'm so comfortable and relaxed here. I eat at least two meals out of three with Jade and it's the most weirdly reassuring thing. I know what she's ate and I'm with her afterwards to make sure she's not doing anything to compensate for it.

She's got a long list of restrictions she's developed.. no eating two foods of the same colour, no eating two foods that begin with the same letter, no meat, no fish, no eating cheese because she's developed an "allergy" which is nonsense but whatever she's getting therapy for it. Dr. Taye advised me for the time being to just go along with the list as long as she's eating.

I'm happy with where she is right now but truthfully, I think she needs to confront the cause of all this. She hasn't seen nor spoken to her Dad in over a year and I think he'd be a good place to start. I don't think he's the cause, that would be an oversimplification by huge amounts but I do think it would do her some good to tell him off. He's been a shit Dad and okay Jade's not been the perfect daughter either but I can't count the times she's needed him and he's not showed.

Jade told me since she's been living here her urges haven't been so bad and she's felt more safe. That made me really happy because it proves that my theory was right and this house will become our safe place. I love this house.

* * *

31/10/2018.

Bonjour journal! I've just woken up after the insane house warming party we had here last night. We invited practically everyone we knew and we had so much fun.

Sam brought his first girlfriend along which was sweet and hilarious to see how Jade reacted. She's insistent that they're way too young to have girlfriends but the twins are fourteen almost fifteen now, it's hardly like they're children. Beck came along with Kitty who he's recently proposed to and Andre dropped by after work. With such lovely people there, the atmosphere was amazing.

There was just one moment at the start of the night when we were giving a few people a tour that someone mentioned the kitchen cupboards and fridge being locked and how weird it was. Jade just looked down at the floor which made me feel a bit sad because I know she gets embarrassed about it so I just said, "it's our house, that's the way we like it."

"Nice save" Andre patted me on the back.

"Thanks" I smiled. Jade came over and I gave her a quick cuddle and that was it. No one asked us about the locks again.

Cat and Robbie are pregnant which is super exciting. Trina is also pregnant with her third child but she and Dante left Finn and Rosie at home because it was past their bedtime. Jade was so sweet to Cat and asking her about the pregnancy. It was kept from her for a while because she was in a really bad place mentally when she reached the second trimester and none of us were sure how she'd handle something like that. But once she was back on the right cocktail of drugs and treatment, Cat came in to Valewood to visit Jade and broke the news. She also asked Jade if she would be their baby's godmother which is really sweet and honestly helped Jade to get back on track. She wants to be there when the baby is born and meet them when they're only a day old. If that's not reason enough to stay out of a mental institution then I don't know what is.

"Do you want babies?" Jade asked me randomly when we got a rare moment alone at the party.

"Do you?" I turned the question back around.

"Yeah." Jade smiled, biting her lip.

"Me too." I admitted shyly. "Theres just one problem here, we're both girls."

"Wait, did I not tell you about my penis?" Jade grabbed my hand and jokingly placed it over her crotch.

"How did we go from the nice conversation about having babies to my hand on your pussy?" I raised an eyebrow.

"We'll figure it out." Jade smiled.

"Woah.. I'll come back later." Andre stepped into the room but promptly turned around after he saw us.

"We've stopped, we've stopped." I insisted, moving my hand away from Jade and holding them up. Jade just rolled her eyes and filled herself a glass of water. That's the first time Jade and I have ever talked about starting a family together. Obviously she needs to be in a more permanent recovery for that to ever be a possibility but at least I know we both want it.

The rest of the night was mostly spent just dancing and drinking and listening to music and once everyone left we curled up in bed and just kissed and touched until we both fell asleep. I just have one thing to say. I love my girl and I love my life.

* * *

05/11/2018.

I did something today that I'm sure a lot of people would consider an invasion of privacy but it's something that's been bothering me for a while. I went through Jade's laptop.

I started by just reading one of her stories she was working on. It was a draft of a horror novel but it had a huge complicated romance running through it and it was currently at 100,000 words which is pretty long for a novel.

I also noticed she had a couple of poems and short bits of writing in a folder labeled VW, which were within the folder sorted into four sections based on how sane Jade deemed herself at the time. I read one from each end of the spectrum and both made me cry. She has a talent for catching the raw emotion of something in words and making the reader feel a little of what she does. In one, she described recovery as like having cold bony hands of an evil creature attached to your legs and arms and taking your foot off the ground to take a step forwards risks being flung onto the ground and dragged back to the toilet where your own hands are replaced with the creatures as you thrust them inside your throat as far back as you can because. You. Must. Be. Empty. You are not worth it.

Then I got round to why I was really here. I know she visits weird websites, sometimes even just youtube to watch people throw up. It's not healthy to say the least. And so I began to biggest censorship attempt I've ever done. I was there for six hours censoring searches, blocking websites.

Valewood had given me a sheet full of jargon that were commonly used online by the ana-mia community to get through censorship and I blocked as many of those as I could too. I was actually shocked by some of the content it was disgusting and so negative and it was easy to see how things like this so easily undid a recovery. It was terrifying.

You know whats fucked up? As much as I blocked and censored on that laptop. The targeted advertising on Jade's laptop knows enough about her to know she frequently visits pro-ana sites, dieting websites, so called "food porn" or purchases diet pills or emetics or supplements. So the adverts still pop up again and again, convincing her if she buys such a such a product she'll lose 10lbs or if she stops eating this list of food she'll lose 6 inches off her waist. I know Jade and I know she'll take those to heart. To most people those wouldn't affect them, or no actually they probably do.. but times that by 100 and you have an idea about how Jade feels about them. I called Beck and he suggested clearing all history and deleting cookies etc.. but nothing seemed to work.

I was practically almost done when Jade got home and I saw her face falter when she realised what I was doing. She looked angry and walked away. I didn't follow her because I didn't regret doing this. It made her safer and from just her internet history I knew she still browsed these sites, and alarmingly still the ones which sold her, what I like to call 'death pills.' She came back five minutes later and although she didn't seem happy about it she sat down with a cup of coffee and just watched me and eventually helped me. There were websites I hadn't caught because she had made them invisible or the site had a decoy homepage. It was literally insane how many there were.

I nearly cried when Jade showed me a hidden file that she had on her laptop. She'd labelled it so sneakily and password protected it but the contents were horrific, just hundreds and hundreds of pictures of girls with bodies Jade considered "perfect" but were basically skeletons and photographs of herself, her body and videos of people purging and worse.

"I'm not going to delete this. You are." I pushed the laptop in front of Jade. Jade took her time flicking through the pictures one last time. I couldn't understand how she was at all attached to this but she kept quiet letting her have her moment. Finally when Jade was ready to, she highlighted the contents and dragged it to the trash. Immediately I went through all the all the back routes so there was no chance of getting it back. Jade just watched me in silence.

When I was finally finished completely ED proofing her laptop I changed the desktop background to one of Jade and I in Florida last year when we went with Cat, Robbie, Beck and Andre and I also wrote a sticky note in the corner of the screen.

_Remember I love you, I'm always here for you, and you can always talk to me. Be strong xxxxxxx_

"I know" Jade said out loud. "You too."

I smiled kissing her on the lips. Obviously if she's sneaky and wants to badly enough, she'll be able to get round my blocks. But I'm hoping that as long as she's in her healthy mind frame, she won't want to.

* * *

26/11/2018.

Me and Jade had a long, serious talk today about her treatment. We closed our bedroom door and sat either side of each other on the bed. I started by telling her what Valewood said about alternative therapy and we researched it a little bit on the laptop together.

"I don't think it will work but I'll try anything at this point." Jade agreed.

"So you'll let me book the hypnotherapy appointment?" I confirmed.

"You can book the appointment and I'll go." Jade promised. "But.. Tor I just don't want you to pin all your hopes on it.

"This might be the thing that pushes you that bit further into recovery though. This might cure you."

"There is no cure for bulimia Tori." Jade shook her head.

"Well you won't know if you have that attitude." I replied, upset she would say that but Jade just looked at me sympathetically.

"Tori.. I'm not going to recover." Jade said quietly.

"Sure you will." I insisted.

"Listen to me Tor.." Jade continued clearly "I'm giving you an out. I'm always going to be fighting this. It's never going to go away and if you're waiting for the day I sit down and eat a big meal and feel nothing.. you need to know, that's just not going to happen for me. If thats what you're waiting for and me saying 'probably never' hurts too much then take the out. I won't put you through it."

"You're saying we should break up?"

"Thats not what I want but I also don't want you to resent me or feel hurt because of this. Even on my absolute best days I think about calories and have to concentrate to not hear the voice in my head saying I don't deserve to eat." Jade confessed.

"I'm so sorry you feel like that baby."

"It's fine.. I've accepted it. Obviously I'm going to try to stay like I am right now and not relapse again. I'm going to keep taking the antidepressants and antipsychotics and stay a healthy weight, and not completely out of touch with reality." Jade turned her head to face me. "But I need you to know, I don't think it's going to get much better than this."

"Right." I nodded. She'd obviously had a long time to think about this and I wasn't sure what I thought about it. On the one hand she was giving up on getting better, on the other hand it was realistic. She accepts the problem and she's not being naïve and just expecting it go away because it's deeply engrained in her mindset. Even I can't imagine it going away completely.

"I get that, that means I'm like.. 'mental' or whatever." Jade continued. "So if you don't want that in your life I understand."

"I don't want an out." I shook my head and placed a hand on her thigh. "I wish you still thought there's a possibility of complete recovery but if this is the way it has to be, I guess I'll just have to fight it forever too."

"It's just so hard. I feel so completely guilty for everything I've said or put you through over the years, I don't want to drag you down with me."

"Okay well wipe those thoughts away right now because you never have to feel guilty for anything to do with this ever!" I said, wrapping my arm further around her body so she was closer to me. "You're my girlfriend, my soulmate and my best friend. And I promise I'll never leave you because of your eating disorder ok? It's not your fault you have this"

"I love you." Jade said with a tear in the corner of her eye.

"I love you too." I replied meaningfully. We kissed and leant our foreheads together somehow feeling completely at please, which is weird since Jade had basically told me she was prepared to have an eating disorder for the rest of her life. Somehow it was a weight off both of our shoulders.

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**Hope this wasn't too cheesy for you :) x**


	57. Chapter 57

**Four chapters left! x**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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12/01/2018.

Jade and I went over to her Dad's house today. Actually he was the one who invited us via formal email of course and after a little persuading from me and Jenn, Jade decided we could go. We already had an idea what this was about as Sam and Charlie had filled us all in on how Lara and him were finally engaged. They'd started dating barely a month after Olivia passed away so Jade always resented Lara for that. Neither of them were perfect people but they suited each other.

"You know he's seventy next year." Jade informed me as she parked her car in the drive, in the exact same spot I remember her doing back when we were eighteen.

"Seriously?" I asked surprised. I didn't realise he was that old.

"Uh huh." Jade confirmed as she applied lip balm to her bottom lip and then smacked them

"Well then all the more reason to make things up sooner rather than later."

"Are you implying he's not got much time left?" Jade raised an eyebrow.

"No I just mean you should make things up before his big birthday." I saved.

"Of course that's what you meant." Jade smirked, fixing her hair. "Come on lets just go inside."

We held hands as we walked up the path to the front door and I wondered if she was nervous. It didn't seem like she was but it wasn't always easy to tell. We tried to figure out the last time Jade saw her Dad and she dated it back to a brief visit when she'd been at Valewood and it had not been a good day. He brought her a bouquet of flowers and a get well soon card then left the twins and went to get coffee. He never came back. Jade brutally annihilated the flowers once she was alone and then took a picture and sent it to him to show what she thought of that gift.

Jade rang the bell and quickly Sam answered the door and showed us inside. It looked a little different than the last time I'd been here. Walls had been repapered, carpet replaced, furniture rearranged but otherwise the house still had the same grandeur feeling when you stepped into it.

"What have you done to your hair? You look like Beck." Jade commented on her younger brothers hair. He was almost the same height as her now but Jade stood on her tiptoes to run her hand through it.

"I'm growing it out so I can tie it up." Sam swatted Jade's hand away, smirking.

"Where's Charlie?" I asked interested.

"He and Dad are in the garden getting the barbecue started."

"How many people are coming?" Jade asked surprised. Her Dad never usually went to any effort with stuff like this.

"Just you guys. I think he just wanted to do something special. Don't worry we got those like vegan sausages you eat."

"Awesome." Jade replied throwing her Jacket on the chair like she still lived here. "Come on then lets go see this "barbeque." Jade made quote marks with her fingers and gestured me to follow. I did so wondering why she did that. Sure enough when we got in to the garden James and Charlie were both looking perplexed and struggling to even get the complicated looking barbecue to light.

"You guys put lighter fluid in it right?" Jade leant over the barbecue that was struggling to even spark one flame.

"Charles?" James asked his son skeptically.

"I didn't know!" Charlie said innocently.

"And you guys put way too much charcoal in this." Jade smirked poking the barbecue again.

"Dad! I told you we were only meant to do one layer!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Right.. there's lighter fluid in the bottom right cupboard in garage, you go get it." James took charge, pointing his son in the direction of the garage. I tried to hold back my smile as I watched Jade help her Dad remove the charcoals and calling him hopeless. It was the sort of friendly banter I hadn't seen between them in a long time. Charlie came back with the lighter fluid and together they got the barbecue to light.

Lara was sunbathing in the corner but came over and gave us both a friendly hug and offered us a mojito and we both accepted. Sam and Charlie sat down on at the table both of them extremely involved in some soccer game they were playing on their portable xbox. Jade and I sat down on the swing seat near to Lara and listened to her recount the tale of their latest spontaneous get away to Venice and how beautiful it had been.

"Have you girls ever been to Italy?"

"No." Jade answered immediately.

"I was there on tour but I didn't get much chance to look around to be honest because I was in Greece the very next day." I explained.

"You should definitely go. I think you'd love it. It's such a romantic country don't you think so James."

"Venice was beautiful I will give you that." James agreed, sitting down next to the boys at the table. "Put your devises down and talk to your sister!"

"It's okay they're zombies let's face it, teenagers are technology junkies." Jade smirked.

"I'm going to stand up for my generation here and prove you all wrong." Sam turned off the xbox making Charlie fume.

"$20 you text your girlfriend before we leave tonight." Jade smirked.

"Done. I'm a free spirit. I don't need a phone." Sam argued. I just laughed finding the whole thing funny.

"So how are you both?" James turned his attention back to us.

"Good." Jade replied simply.

"We moved in together." I added a little more detail on just to break the tension. "And Jade's getting published."

"Wow that's excellent. My daughter the author. You must have got that from your Mother she was always writing."

"Really?"

"Yeah she couldn't get enough. I'll have a look through the attic and see if I can find some of her old notebooks for you if you're interested."

"I'd love that. If you don't mind."

"Not at all." James replied. Everyone carried on talking casually for another hour and just catching up on what everyone was up to. There were a couple of awkward silences but we'd already expected that. But as the conversation flowed those became less and everyone seemed relaxed. James told us he's retiring in August and wants to spend more time with his family. I can't tell who out of Jade, Sam or Charlie laughed harder at that. I think the 69 year old felt a bit hurt by that but I can't say he hadn't earned that response. He'd hardly given his children the time of day as they were growing up, of course they didn't expect him to reform just because of retirement.

The food went good. Jade and Charlie did the barbecue together although James tried to get involved he didn't seem to really understand it so he just came and talked to me for a while and Sam told us about his band which he is frontman in. I told him me and Jade would definitely come watch sometime. He also told us that Sikowitz is his drama teacher in Hollywood Arts and he still mentions all of us sometimes. That made me happy. I still think about our wacky drama teacher sometimes so I'm glad he hasn't forgotten us.

Jade brought me a hotdog and a burger and tried to feed me which was kind of funny. She did amazing considering the circumstances and not having been in full control of what she was eating. She ate two vegan sausages and loads of salad and seemed okay about it. Sam also ate the vegan sausages and said they were ok. Jade said meat was better, with a wink.

It was starting to get dark out but the garden was well lit with fairy lights and candles so we could all still see. James took Jade for a walk down the garden around 9pm and I couldn't tell what they were talking about but it seemed serious. In the end they hugged. An awkward, half hearted hug but it was a start and then when they came back they both seemed less formal around each other.

We said goodbye to the four of them and Jade agreed they should all come over to our house for dinner soon. James said he would like that and they hugged again. Jade handed Sam $20 on the way out and he wooded and shouted victory. I laughed and we left the house, feeling extremely positive about that.

"What did your Dad talk to you about?"

"He said sorry." Jade said simply. "He said he wants to make up for lost time."

"Are you going to let him?" I asked curiously. Jade thought about her answer before confirming it to me.

"Yeah I think I will."

* * *

12/16/2018.

Hi journal! Cat gave birth last night to a cute baby boy! His name is Matt. Matthew Gregory Shapiro in full name but Matt is what everyone's calling him. Jade was with Cat the whole time who was apparently according to Jade a complete mess. But she did really well and only needed to labour for five hours.

Robbie is so proud he keeps bursting into tears which in turn makes Cat cry and then Matt cry. We actually got a pretty accurate photograph of the three of them blubbering like crazy. It's hilarious.

Jade once again was amazing with the baby. She makes me so broody when I see how she is around little ones. I swear she's just a natural mother. I still feel nervous when I hold babies even though I am getting better. Jade just seems to get babies, and know what they need and when they're hungry or when they need a nap.

She's amazing with Finn and Rosie who stay with us quite often because Trina and Dante like to take holidays. She can keep them entertained and keeps them in line when they misbehave. I'm just the auntie who likes cuddles and kisses and gives them candy. Jade is the one who teaches them how to make pasta art and helps them with their homework. And they love her as much as they love me.

I really do want a baby now. I know it's not a simple for us being a same-sex couple and everything but it's something I really, really want. I feel kind of lost sometimes like my career just isn't enough anymore. I want a family and I want to make Jade a Mama. I want to be a Mama. It feel like we're almost ready. If not quite yet.

* * *

02/27/2019.

Today was Beck and Kitty's wedding and it was so fun. Sam and Charlie were Beck's best men and we dropped round at Jenn's where they were getting ready to get some pictures of them all in their suits.

"You all look hot." Jade told the three of them as she snapped another picture.

"Your girlfriend is behind you." Sam pointed out.

"Thanks Sam, at least someone remembers me." I smiled.

"Oh she already knows she's hot because she gets to have sex with me." Jade smirked

"Jade ew don't tell us that, you're our sister!" Charlie looked alarmed. Jade just laughed and walked away, pinching my butt as she walked past.

"I apologise for.. her." I replied.

"Hey isn't that my line?" Beck grinned.

The wedding was so lovely. It was reasonably big because Kitty has a large family. Beck's family is small but it included, Me and Jade, Andre, Cat, Robbie and Matt so it didn't look too unbalanced. The speeches were sweet and Sam and Charlie's joint best man speech made everyone in the room cry with laughter. Beck's Dad kept hinting to us that we'd be next but Jade just smiled giving nothing away.

In other news. Jade ate fish today which is huge because that was one of her forbidden foods. We both had the salmon and then she tasted some of my dessert, although she didn't trust herself to have one of her own. Even Jenn noticed how well she was doing and came over to say how proud she was of her and well done. Jade blushed and said it was nothing and we both told her it wasn't nothing and to be proud of herself.

All in all today was so much fun. I love weddings and I do think Beck and Kitty are a very cute couple. I wonder if that will be us one day. I hope so.

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**Sorry I only just realised just how many OC's there are in this! I hope you can keep up. Review if you like! xx**


	58. Chapter 58

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

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03/02/2019.

I got a small shock when I got up this morning (or rather this afternoon). I'd been performing and filming all last night until 4am so I was exhausted. I expected Jade to already be awake so I wasn't surprised that she wasn't in bed but when I came downstairs I was completely shocked to see none other than James West sitting in the music room.

"Oh hello." I jumped slightly.

"Good afternoon." Mr West stood up to shake my hand. I smiled awkwardly at the formality but I figured I should probably be used to it by now.

"Err does Jade know you're here?" I asked puzzled.

"Yes we are going out for lunch." he informed me. My eyes could have popped out of my head and I wondered immediately if this was his or her suggestion. "You are welcome to join us if you'd like."

I smiled, at least he was making an effort. "No it's okay you two are probably due some daddy-daughter time." I replied sitting down opposite and analysing his intentions slightly. As much as I could see he was trying very hard to make things up I just didn't trust him yet.

"Sam tells me you're teaching him some music tech nonsen— stuff." James changed his way of phrasing last minute. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes he's very talented with the loop station actually." I told him with a smirk. James nodded obviously having no idea what that was.

"Look Mr West.." I began.

"James." The man nodded.

"James." I closed my eyes and smiled. "I can tell you're a nice person and I know you're trying to make things right, but I haven't forgotten what happened with Jade when she first got diagnosed and everything after."

"Of course not." James nodded solemnly.

"Those were some of the hardest moments of your daughters life and she needed a parent. Not me, not Beck, not Jenn. She needed you and you let her down."

"I just.. didn't know what to say."

"None of knew what to say." I argued, "There's no handbook of what you're supposed to say or do when an eighteen year old has a heart attack."

"Okay that I am ashamed of. I should have came home straight away."

"You should and you should have stayed. She was dying James." I said with tears in my eyes. That always happened when either of us mentioned her lowest point, we always cried. James didn't seem to know what to say so I carried on. "I know eating disorders are a difficult thing to understand. I don't even think I understand it at times, but for Jade's sake you can't just ignore it and expect it to go away, she needs support and encouragement. And I know you want to make it right with her but you have to understand that I am completely and painfully in love with your daughter and if you run away again if things get hard.. I will come down so hard on you."

"I don't plan on letting her down again." James looked at me directly. He had aged, but his eyes were still that bright, colourful shade of blue identical to Jades.

"Good." I said simply. "Then good luck making amends."

"Hopefully one day you'll be able to trust me too." James added. I smiled briefly and nodded. I hoped that one day would come true too, but for now.. I had my eye on him.

"Hey sorry I couldn't find my sunglasses, lets go." Jade came in the room just in time. "Oh hey babe I didn't think you'd be awake yet."

"Yeah I just got up." I smiled as she bent down to kiss my cheek.

"Okay well I'll see you in a few hours. Eat something you look pale." Jade advised. I smirked shaking my head and took her advise. James gave me small wave as his daughter led him out of our house and I made my way to the kitchen. When Jade came back she seemed happy with how things were going and her Dad gave her some of her Mother's old writing that she showed me. We read through some of it together and I did recognise some of the same style that Jade uses. Maybe she really did get her talent from Olivia.

"I'm happy I found out about this. I like being like my Mom."

"I know you do." I smiled wrapping an arm around her. "But you're an individual too. You follow in your own footsteps."

"Mmhm." Jade nodded, hugging me. I kissed her hair and we sat there quietly for a while. We don't deny that her Mom's death affected her in a huge way. It changed her whole personality from what I've learned about the situation and it's likely she first started using restricting, binging and purging as coping methods when she was eleven. I know it, she knows it, and I'm very sure Valewood knows it.

It's important I emphasise that it's not her Mom's fault. How could it be her fault, she died. It was just an unfortunate after affect that nobody caught fast enough. That's the saddest thing I think. Nobody knows about an eating disorder until it's obvious, not even in an eleven year old girl.

In the United States alone, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life but only 1 in 10 receive treatment which is terrifying considering eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

Sadly only four in ten people with fully established anorexia nervosa make a full recovery. 25% make a partial recovery and 20% remain chronically ill. Similar research into bulimia suggests that around 45% of sufferers make a full recovery, 27% improve considerably, and 23% suffer chronically for the rest of their life. And even more shockingly, recent research reveals that most anorexia-related deaths are due to suicide.

Eating disorders will always be a huge part of my life and honestly will always terrify me. I think I'll always keep an eye out for any symptoms in anyone I ever meet because I have personal experience of exactly how devastating they can be to someones life. It doesn't feel right to describe Jade as one of the lucky ones after everything she's been through. In total she's spent 28 months of her life hospitalised. That's almost 2 and a half years of her life she'll never get back. But she's alive and out of inpatient which is more than can be said for a lot of sufferers. She survived.

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10/18/2020.

So it's been two years since we moved into our house and life is still going great. Jade has by all legal and medical standards, an eating disorder not otherwise specified and is in remission. She still attends therapy weekly and hypnotherapy once a month but she's doing a lot better.

Although the urges never really stopped, the struggle has got a lot lesser as over these past two years we've developed a sort of code word system which Jade rarely has to use but it lets me know if she's struggling. She just texts me A or B depending on what symptoms she's finding hard and I've learned what to do and can usually talk her down from it. Sometimes she just needs someone to sit with her and eat or sometimes it's more complicated and she needs to find a different way to cope with her emotions. She doesn't find talking to be helpful when she feels like purging, she needs to physically release something. There's been a couple of time's she's terrified me by screaming NO at the refrigerator but it's a coping mechanism, it gives her control.

Only once over these past two years did I ever catch her throwing up on purpose. I walked in to our bathroom, realised what my girlfriend was doing and calmly walked back out again. When Jade came downstairs, I was waiting for her on the couch with a glass of water and a sandwich on the coffee table. Looking ashamed, she took a seat on the couch next to me. I beckoned her over and pulled her into a hug.

"Why aren't you mad?" Jade croaked in confusion. I sighed and kissed her hair, wishing there was a way I could relieved her from the slight but obvious trembling of her body.

"I've got no reason to be mad. I'm just— a little worried. Are you ok? You didn't take anything?" I questioned her as she sipped at the water.

"No" Jade shook her head. "Just too much food."

"Was it a one off?" I asked her seriously.

"I think so." Jade sniffed.

"Will you phone Valewood for me and just speak to someone" I requested. Jade nodded and I handed her the phone and held her whilst she talked to one of her therapists. They talked for a while about how she was feeling and arranged a couple of extra therapy sessions and that was it.

"Do you want to pretend it never happened?" I asked once she put down the phone. Jade shook her head.

"No because it did. It happened but I'm not going to give it any power."

"Good" I smiled pecking at her neck. The rest of the night we just spent watching movies and talking and although we didn't forget it happened, we didn't dwell on it and within a couple of weeks Jade was feeling much more on track.

* * *

11/01/2020.

Today was a weird sort of day. Robbie and Cat were throwing a kind of grown ups only birthday party for Matt. Cat is pregnant again almost 9 months so they didn't want to do anything huge and he is only turning two so he didn't really understand what was going on, we think he had fun though and we did have a really nice time for the most part. It was only about half way through the party that I was faced with something I've never had to deal with before.

"It's like those made up illnesses isn't it? Teenagers starving themselves for attention." I overheard one of guests boast loudly to Beck. I glanced at Jade who had obviously heard it too and raised an eyebrow.

"No not really." Beck shook his head obviously uncomfortable with hearing this as well. Cat was nearby and looked terrified as she listened in.

"Come on you have to admit that anorexia is completely just an attention seeking ploy made up by sad little emo's with vanity issues."

"Tom shut up." Cat said firmly.

"How are they attention seeking?" Jade spoke up, acting naïve.

"Jade.." Beck said nervously. Me, Cat and Andre all just watched awkwardly.

"They do it to get the attention of all their friends and family and say they're "sick" when in reality they are the ones making themselves sick by not eating and then there's the ones who make physically make themselves vomit. That's just another level of messed up."

"Uh huh." Jade replied, stepping down. Unfortunately Tom didn't know when to stop.

"It's simply vanity. They just want to be the skinniest and then it becomes a competition, except the winner dies."

"Excuse me." Jade walked out of the kitchen and out into the garden leaving the most awkward silence behind her. Robbie came over and put his arm around Cat.

"What's going on?" He asked, having missed the entire thing.

"That was extremely rude." I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I was livid and disgusted with everything he'd just said.

"What? It's not like she's got an eating disorder." Tom shrugged.

"Well doesn't that just prove that you can't just "know" who has one!" I yelled, losing it a little bit.

"She has an eating disorder? Tshh it doesn't look like it."

"Tom I'd really stop talking." Robbie tried to laugh it off but there was no way I was letting him get away with that.

"Excuse me?" I stepped forwards.

"She's average sized. Like I said.. She probably just said that for attention. There's no proof."

"No I think the years she has spent in and out of hospital, in therapy, barely managing to maintain a healthy weight long enough to function damn well proved it!" I blew my cool. I noticed out of the corner of my eye Beck following Jade outside.

"Tori.." Andre tried to calm me down.

"No I'm sorry, until you have someone you love repeatedly cry themselves to sleep because all they want is to get better but they can't or have to walk in on them gagging themselves or having to phone a fucking ambulance because they took too many emetics then don't you dare tell me they do that for attention!"

"I apologise I didn't realise she had one.."

"Yeah well don't go around spreading vicious lies about mental illnesses that you couldn't even begin to fucking understand." I nudged his shoulder following Beck and Jade outside. I could feel my heart racing in my chest I was so angry. How dare someone say something like that. It didn't take me long to find Beck and Jade who were just sitting on the wall and chatting.

"I am so sorry about him. He's an asshole." I said the moment I approached them.

"It's ok. Beck told me you slaughtered him." Jade smirked.

"Kind of" I admitted. Jade motioned me forwards and kissed me on the lips.

"I appreciate it." Jade replied cheekily. I smiled kissing her back.

"I'm gonna go.." Beck said at some point. Jade and I just kept kissing getting more and more passionate. I was angry and she was thanking me and it made for a powerful combination.

"I love you." Jade said between kisses.

"I love you too." I said it back. We carried on kissing for another minute when suddenly Jade pulled back.

"Come on lets go back in."

"Jade you don't have to." I said firmly.

"It's Matt's birthday. Just because his father has one stupid friend doesn't mean we don't celebrate. I'm not going to be the freak that ruins the party." Jade said putting her hand out for me. I sighed but accepted her hand and went back in. Luckily Tom was nowhere to be seen and everyone seemed to be back to normal.

Jade let go of my hand and I watched her go back in and she sat down next to Cat and Robbie and put her hand on Cats huge belly and started talking to her about the pregnancy. I exhaled and went to sit down next to Beck.

"She's stronger than we give her credit for." Beck said softly.

"I could punch that guy." I admitted angrily.

"Relax." Beck placed his hands on my shoulders and massaged them soothingly. By the time he was done I did feel a lot more relaxed.

"Not everybody understands." Beck sighed "They only know what the media tells them. Unfortunately we know better."

I nodded. He was right. It didn't make it easier to hear that sort of crap though. It was comforting that Jade didn't care though. She doesn't let people like that get to her anymore. She's a lot stronger than she seems.

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**The statistics about eating disorders were accurate as of 2014 and came from the National Association of Anorexia and Associated Disorders and also B-eat which is an amazing website which everybody should check out :) Links are on my profile. Review if you want to.**


	59. Chapter 59

**This one's my favourite chapter ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

12/25/2020.

So as you can tell it's Christmas day and this year was better than ever. Now everything's sort of settled on Jade's side of the family and we have five very important children in our lives we found ourselves really doing the rounds today.

We started with my parents and then made a quick stop at Jenn's to say Happy Christmas to the Olivers. We went to Jades' family for Christmas dinner and James was really nice and welcoming. He actually bought me a really thoughtful gift this year, it's like a scrapbook and he'd already stuck in a couple of photographs of me and Jade inside it. I gave him a hug and thanked him. Jade bought him a shirt from us which I think is some kind of weird tradition they have. The twins are huge! Like about 6' 6. Charlie made a show of showing how strong he is by lifting Jade which actually terrified me.

"Osteopenia! Weak bones Charlie! You drop me I break!" Jade warned him.

"I've got you." Charlie grinned helping her down. Jade shoved him playfully but he just laughed giving her a hug. I don't know when the twins started being adults, it only seems like yesterday I knocked at Jades door and she was carrying a weepy seven year old Charlie in her arms. Now they're seventeen and finally entering the real world.

After dinner we went straight to Cat and Robbie's who were having a slightly stressful Christmas to be honest with two year old Matt being completely over excited and one month old Jake having colic. Cat and Robbie definitely appreciated Jade entertaining Matt in the garden for a couple of hours whilst I cuddled Jake, giving them a small break. Afterwards we went to Trina's to give presents to Finn, Rosie and Diego. Surprisingly things were a lot calmer in their house although the kids did go slightly mental when we pulled out twister.

"Are you still sure you want children?" I teased Jade on the way home.

"What are you talking about.. Finn, Rosie, Matt, Diego and Jake are angels obviously." Jade faked a gasp.

"Finn almost pulled Rosie's hair out during that twister fight!" I exclaimed.

"Well.. our babies will be good as gold." Jade winked, pulling us into the garage. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was lay down on the couch, maybe watch a christmas movie and hopefully have Jade snuggled on top of me but Jade had other plans. She disappeared for a while and when she came down she was wearing her favourite underwear. A red baby doll and tiny, tiny underwear. I raised an eyebrow as she sat down next to the Christmas tree and pulled out a box.

"Christmas present." Jade smirked pushing the gift onto my lap. I forced my gaze away from her gorgeous cleavage for a minute to open the box. It was exactly what I expected.. tiny, sexy underwear. I laughed and held it up.

"Try it on for me." Jade demanded.

"Okay." I grinned, pecking her lips and running out of the room to change. Jade was still sitting on the floor when I came back. I decided to put on a little show and creeped round the door lifting my knee.

"Hot." Jade smiled as I came and sat on top of her legs. We kissed for a while just holding each other and kissing. I slipped my hands around her waist and down to her butt and stroked her.

"Wait." Jade stopped our kiss before I could take things any further. I raised an eyebrow wondering what she was doing when she reached behind her again. She had something in her hands but wasn't showing me what.

"Tori." Jade said softly."

"Mmhm?" I raised a suspicious eyebrow. Slowly she unfolded her hands revealing something to me that literally took my breath away. It was a ring.

"Oh my god." I gasped. I had not even slightly expected she was going to do this tonight and immediately I burst into tears.

"Why are you crying I haven't said anything yet?" Jade asked, hugging me quickly.

"I don't know." I croaked, completely unable to hold in my tears. She waited for me to calm down a bit, stroking my waist and rubbing my back.

"You okay?" Jade confirmed. I nodded and exhaled smiling.

"You came to me at a very strange time in my life when I didn't want to be saved, when all I wanted was to fade away and I don't know how, but you made me want to save myself." Jade said softly, her eyes were slightly teary too although she was smiling. I was crying again.

"You made me feel loved when all I wanted was for the world to end and you continue to make me feel loved every single day whether I like it or not." Jade wiped her eyes and kissed me. There was no way we were getting through this without millions of tears, I guess we already expected that.

"And I don't think it's possible for me to ever thank you for staying through all the insane things I put you through, but I just love you so much." Jade told me as I wiped tears from her cheeks and mine. I laughed and shook my head.

"You don't need to thank me." I told her honestly. "I love you more."

"Tori would you please be mine forever?" Jade revealed the ring once again. "Will you marry me?"

We were both smiling and crying and looked a mess but it was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I can't imagine a better way she could have done it.

"Yes." I nodded, trying my hardest to stop crying. Jade smiled seeming relieved and we kissed again. She took the ring which had three silver diamonds on it and slightly twisted silver embellishments at the side. Somehow even though I know she hadn't got it sized it slid onto my finger perfectly.

"Do you like it." Jade asked almost sounding nervous.

"I love it." I told her honestly.

"It was my Mom's" Jade revealed.

"What?" I gasped.

"I asked my Dad for it a couple of months ago and he agreed it was time it had a new owner."

"Jade I can't take this." I shook my head.

"Of course you can, I'm proposing." Jade put her hand on my cheek stroking my hair out of the way with her thumb.

"But this must mean so much to you." I croaked looking down at the beautiful engagement ring.

"It does.. which is why I'm giving it to you." Jade smiled. I wrapped my arms around her neck and kissed her with all the passion and love I had inside me. My hand suddenly felt completely different and everything felt right. It was perfect.

"I'll look after it." I promised her. Jade nodded and smiled.

"I know." Jade smiled kissing my lips once again.

"I can't believe you made us wear slutty underwear to do this." I suddenly realised how weird our outfits were for such a beautiful moment.

"I needed to feel comfortable!" Jade laughed. I slid off her knee and helped her up. It was only then I realised how much we were both shaking and I hugged her again.

"Can I get you one?" I said, meaning a ring.

"If you want to." Jade agreed.

"I do." I replied before I realised what I was saying. Both of us laughed as I blushed and shook my head "I do want to, I mean."

"We're engaged." Jade grinned.

"Yeah we are." I replied, smiling back, "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

By this point I was the one who wanted to take her to bed. Jade texted her Dad to tell him I said yes and then jumped under the covers with me. Tonight was the best night of my life. I can't wait to buy Jade a ring and I can't wait to tell everybody we're engaged. I feel like we've waited so long and it's been really hard but it was worth it for her to be well and happy and not worrying about relapse when we did this. We're going to get married and be together forever. I've never been more in love with her than I am in this moment.

* * *

05/28/2021.

Hi Journal. I know you're waiting to find out how the wedding went but first I want to tell you exactly where we are right now. We're currently 30,000 feet above the gulf of Mexico. Jades asleep but I'm wide awake. How can I possibly sleep when I'm still so overwhelmingly excited about everything?

I woke up in my old bed at my parents house because Jade insisted we should sleep apart because of the whole superstition thing. I personally thought it was nonsense but I did it to make her happy. Trina and my Mom helped me get ready and I know Jenn and Cat helped Jade. We did text each other good morning but I didn't see her until the ceremony begun. Don't get me wrong we didn't go for an entirely traditional ceremony. For starters were both girls and secondly we got married in a park. My wedding dress was white with a sweetheart neckline and I wore my hair down in curls. I was so nervous this morning and I really don't know why. I didn't think either of us would back out I just knew today was so important and it really felt strange not having Jade there to kiss me or tell me to calm down.

Both our dads really, really wanted to give us away so we let them. We had the seats arranged in a sort of curve shape and we didn't do the whole one family, one side thing. We just had our family at the front an everyone else could choose their seats. It worked a lot better for us since we have mostly the same friends and we didn't want to make anyone pick sides.

Sam played acoustic guitar and I got one of my close friends from work to sing for us as we walked down the aisle. I went first with my Dad and then Jade went afterwards. It was sweet. Her dad kissed me on the cheek and my dad kissed her and then both of us hugged like we hadn't seen each other in weeks. I think everyone in the audience awwed which made Jade roll her eyes but I just giggled and held onto her. She was wearing a gorgeous pretty navy dress with thin little straps that trailed down her legs and behind her. and her hair was down but pinned off her face with a silver hair clip and I couldn't take my eyes off her.

"I love you." Jade mouthed whilst the minister began the introduction to the ceremony.

"I love you too." I mouthed back, smiling before the ceremony really started. Honestly the ceremony felt so short. We said our vows and promises to protect, love and cherish, exchanged wedding rings and then we kissed. When we walked together down the aisle I realised how lucky we were to have all these amazing people here. Some people have family or friends completely unsupportive of same-sex marriages but we hadn't encountered anything like that. Everyone threw petals and joined us for photographs. It was like being in a dream or a movie or a romance novel except it wasn't. It was real life.

After the meal, music was played and everyone started dancing. It was a beautiful atmosphere. Jade hadn't left my side the whole time to be honest, we were just so happy to be married. B ut when someone approached us, I knew I was going to let her go.

"Could I have this dance?" Beck offered his hand out to Jade. Jade smirked and turned to me as if she were asking my permission. I nodded, letting go of her waist.

"I want her back." I told him jokingly.

"You have my word." Beck agreed. I watched them slow dancing together and talking. I wasn't even slightly jealous. Their relationship is platonic, but extremely important. I don't know if Jade would still be here today without him and for that I owe him my life.

Once the dance was over. Jade came back and sat down on my knee. I smiled as she kissed me and slipped her hands around my back. We only had two hours left until we needed to leave for our flight but we were calm. We were happy.

Everyone gathered to wave us off as we left. We had hired a section of the park for our actually wedding but as we left hundreds of people were gathered and cheering and taking photographs. I didn't mind, it was kind of nice to share this with our fans and although their was a lot of security guiding us through it was okay because I knew we had the honeymoon all to ourselves. I could have Jade all to myself for three weeks on the gorgeous island of Puerto Rico. I could not be happier to be married to Jade. She's everything to me and the reason my life is full of sunlight.

* * *

**So as you can see we've caught up :) would you mind telling me what you thought about the order of the chapters? Personally I think it felt a bit weird jumping through time but I also think the story would have been a bit too depressing without the the flash forwards but I really don't know.. just wondering what you guys think? x**


	60. Chapter 60

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

08/09/2021.

Eeek so today Jade and I sat down and had our very first serious conversation as a married couple. What we want to do about the whole.. starting a family and having babies thing. We both decided a long time ago that we wanted to have at least one child but for obvious reasons we knew we'd need help having one. Being two women, we had options. But it really didn't take long before we decided which one of us was going to get pregnant.

"Do you want to be pregnant?" I asked Jade curiously.

"Honestly?" Jade sat next to me cross legged on our bed. "If I could get pregnant, which is unlikely anyway after the amount of times I've stopped having periods then I really don't know. It would mean changing medication, eating more, gaining weight.. I don't think I could do it."

"Are you sure?" I clarified.

"No." Jade shook her head. "I would have liked to you know.. had a baby biologically but it just doesn't seem like a good idea."

"Explain." I frowned taking hold of her hand.

"It's a huge risk in terms of relapse plus I have osteopenia.. they could kick me and easily break my ribs." Jade shuddered. "But if you really, really didn't want to do it or for some reason I was the only option, I'd risk it."

"Baby." I hugged her tightly. "I don't mind being pregnant, I just wanted to make sure you'd thought about it too."

"Yeah." Jade nodded. "I really think you would be a lot, lot better at the pregnancy thing than me though."

"So I'll be the one to get pregnant, that's decided?" I confirmed with her. Jade smiled sadly and I tilted my head concerned, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I will be. It's fine." Jade promised, squeezing my hand reassuringly. "Anonymous sperm donor or named?"

"I feel like named would be kinder. They should know who their Father is don't you think?" I asked, trying to be gentle because she did seem upset about not being biologically related to our baby.

"Yeah it would be nice if they could at least write letters or something like that." Jade agreed.

"Okay so we're doing this? We're having a baby?" I confirmed excitedly. Jade smiled and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"Yeah." Jade nodded, seeming much happier now.

"Sexy time?" I raised an eyebrow, "We can at least pretend to conceive."

"You're so weird." Jade laughed pushing me back down onto the bed regardless. I giggled and kissed her neck playfully whilst she undid the buttons on my shirt and unlatched my bra. Within minutes I had my legs on her shoulders and her face was between my thighs and I was in complete bliss. I'm probably going to talk to Jade again about the baby thing once we've had a little time to process this. We aren't rushing to the sperm bank or the doctors surgery any time soon so there's enough time for us both to get used to the idea. Maybe in the future she will want to get pregnant who knows? But for now, I agree with her that we made the right decision.

* * *

01/12/2021.

"It's positive." Jade was the one who read the result of the pregnancy test I'd just taken. This was our third attempt at conceiving and finally it had happened and both of us screamed and hugged, completely happy.

The sperm donor we'd chosen looked a lot like Jade, pale skin and blue eyes. We did that on purpose because although we're going to be honest with them from the start that they're donor-conceived, we want them to have some sort of connection to Jade too.

"Wait. Calm down. You're pregnant now you have to relax and look after our baby." Jade stopped me from bouncing suddenly turning all serious.

"Shh only if you do too." I giggled, pulling Jade over to the bed to lay down. We snuggled up together and Jade placed her palm on my currently, extremely flat stomach.

"I can't believe there's a person in there." I pondered, relaxing as Jade rubbed my tummy. I'd already been starting to feel queasy over these past few days, which we knew was one of the most common symptoms of pregnancy. Having her massage me like this was extremely comforting.

"They'll be.. this big." Jade held her finger and thumb up to exemplify exactly how small they would be. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her neck.

"I love you."

"I love you too.. both of you." Jade smiled kissing me. I kissed her back and we stayed cuddled up in bed for the rest of the morning. So yeah.. I'm pregnant! It's amazing how, aside from the the constant carsickness feeling I've got, I still feel exactly the same. It's just now there's not just one of me there's two.

* * *

01/31/2022.

Somehow the constant carsickness feeling has transformed itself into full on projectile vomiting every morning. It is not fun at all. I usually feel fine when I first wake up, it's directly after breakfast that it hits me and I'm really suffering. I also feel kind of guilty because I know even just the sound of me puking can trigger Jade so I've been hiding how bad it is from her. She knows though, and this morning she made it clear she wants to help.

"Baby are you throwing up?" Jade knocked on the locked bathroom door.

"Yeah.. I'm fine though." I lied, my forehead dripping with sweat and holding my swirling stomach with my hand.

"You don't sound fine." Jade shouted after she heard me throw up again.

"I'm fine." I insisted.

"Tori if you're sick I want to look after you." Jade said softly.

"I don't want to trigger you." I said immediately.

"I'm fine." Jade insisted, "You however aren't.. In sickness and in health remember?" Jade pointed out our marriage vows. I sighed thinking about it until Jade begged a little more. "Please unlock the door."

After a couple more minutes debating it I gave in and opened the bathroom door revealing my very concerned looking wife. Jade gave me a sympathetic smile and followed me over to the toilet where I continued to barf up everything I'd eaten. I was completely miserable but it did feel better having Jade with me and rubbing my back.

"Are you feeling like shit?" Jade asked sympathetically.

"Worse than ever before." I confessed, laying my head down on the toilet seat.

"It's okay.. you're only nine weeks along, it will get better." Jade assured me, handing me a wad of tissue paper.

"Thanks." I sniffed wiping my mouth with it. "Sorry you shouldn't have to see this."

"Don't say that." Jade stroked my hair gently. "You have morning sickness, you need me to take care of you right now."

"I feel so sick." I sniffed, beginning to cry a little.

"Take a day off from work today okay? I'll make you some soup and I'll read you some more of that book you like, the sappy love one." Jade wrapped an arm around me.

"Thank you." I sniffed, flushing the toilet and closing the lid on it.

"No problem." Jade helped me up and directed me back to bed. Once I was lying back down she placed the trashcan near the edge of the bed just in case and then bent down to stroke my hair. "You need to rest. I'll phone your work and then get you some tea to settle your stomach. Then I'll come back and give you snuggles."

I nodded and closed my eyes resting. I already felt a million times better now Jade was sorting everything out. It didn't feel so daunting anymore. She came back with the tea and even though she hated it and thought it was dumb, she read me my book whilst I curled into her side. She was so sweet and kind to me and I know no matter what she says, she will have found it slightly triggering. But somehow she only seemed to care about me. I'm so lucky.

* * *

04/16/2022.

So I'm officially 22 weeks pregnant and today we got to find out the baby's gender! Sam and Charlie had been over yesterday for dinner and all four of us were trying to guess. Jade and Charlie thought the baby was a girl, Sam and I thought the baby was a boy so it was an equal split.

Thankfully I don't get morning sickness anymore. That disappeared around week 14 thank god! I don't think I could have handled it much longer than that it made me miserable. But Jade is still insisting she takes care of me. I should have guessed from day one that Jade would be amazing at this. She knows exactly which foods I should be eating and supplements I should be taking for everything and brings me whatever I'm craving. I couldn't have asked for a more helpful person to have a baby with if I'm honest. The person whose spent years and years of her life obsessing about nutrition finally has a use for it.

"I still think it's a girl." Jade said as we walked into the maternity ward together. We got a few stares from people recognising us whilst I signed in but we didn't really pay attention. We were too excited and also kind of nervous about the scan.

"I think it's a boy but I really don't mind, as long as the baby is healthy then they can be whatever sex they want to be." I replied.

"I'm sure they'll be okay." Jade rubbed my leg reassuringly whilst we waited. We didn't have to wait long since it turns out a couple of people before us hadn't showed up for their appointments so we could go early. I lay down on the bed whilst the doctor applied the ultrasound gel to my stomach.

"Lets have a look at your baby." The ultrasound technician smiled. I held my breath nervously awaiting for a sound, for an image for anything. I felt Jade slip her fingers in-between mine and I squeezed them back. It took a couple of agonising minutes before suddenly we heard the sound of our baby's heart through the speaker. It was such a relief.

"That's a nice strong heartbeat." The ultrasound technician smiled assuring us both. I smiled at Jade who bent down to peck my cheek. It took a while before we really got to find out anything else because the ultrasound technician was concentrating, just doing all the necessary tests and health checks. But eventually she turned the screen to show us our baby and reassured us that from the scan, everything seemed developmentally normal. I was so happy.

"Would you like to know the sex?" The smiley blonde lady asked us both. I looked at Jade who nodded and then back at the technician and confirmed to her that we would. The ultrasound technician checked again just to make sure before telling us.

"Congratulations, it's a girl."

* * *

**Aww they're having a baby.. but only one chapter left + maybe an epilogue :/ x x**


	61. Chapter 61

**I've decided that there is isn't going to be an epilogue so this is the last chapter! :'(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own victorious.**

* * *

06/02/2022.

I accompanied Jade to Valewood today to meet with a doctor who has developed a new kind of eating disorder treatment that's specifically supposed to deal with restrictive rules. In general, Jades got the majority of her symptoms under control now but she's still somewhat obsessive with how food is presented to her and if a meal doesn't follow specific rules she struggles with it. It's not exactly a symptom of bulimia, or anorexia, or anything really, but it is a common problem that many eating disorder sufferers deal with. And a very difficult one to shift.

For Jade, her restrictions tend to be related to colours. She can only eat two white foods a day, she cannot eat a brown food and a green food in the same meal.. things like that. And before she even considers eating a meal she'll have to calculate this sort of stuff. It drives me crazy, especially if we're eating something like stir fry because it can take her over two hours to finish.

The doctor explained the therapy which seemed to be some kind of behavioural treatment, like the way they would treat OCD or a phobia. I don't really get the impression Jade was very interested in it to be honest. She's done with messing with her mind and her diet. She's done with it. This is it now. This her healthy.

After the appointment we went to visit a girl that Jade had met at Valewood on several occasions called Amy. Both her and Jade had spent time in recovery and treatment together and although they weren't always in the same section or even there at the same time, they'd talked a lot and became friends. Amy is still evidently struggling with anorexia and is on a feeding tube, in and out of Valewood every few months. She's thirty years old and has never had a job or even been in a relationship, she still lives in her eating disorder but I still believe she has a chance to get out. She just needs to find it in herself to do it. At the end of the visit we both gave her a hug. I completely forgot what it felt like to hold someone that small and bony, and being seven months pregnant didn't help with the emotions that brought back. It's just extremely sad.

* * *

07/24/2022.

Hey journal! My due date is in four weeks and we still haven't decided on a name for our daughter yet. We want a name that's different but not too crazy. Something meaningful. Jenn suggested we wait until the baby is born to see what she looks like and what she suits but that just feels incredibly unprepared to me. I don't want our daughter to be nameless for any length of time.

"What about Cassandra?" I asked Jade as she sat behind me massaging my lower back.

"No." Jade replied, no discussion.

"Natalie?" I tried again.

"No I knew a girl in elementary school called Natalie and she licked dirt." Jade said stoically.

"Okay not Natalie.." I crossed that name off my list. "Your turn."

"Isa." Jade suggested.

"Is that a name?" I replied skeptically.

"Yes! She wrote my favourite vegan cookbook." Jade explained.

"No." I shook my head laughing and then wincing because laughing hurts my stomach at the moment. I grimaced leaning back on Jade.

"You okay?" Jade stroked my very pregnant belly gently.

"Yeah." I sighed exhaustedly. "It would help if she stopped pressing down on my groin." Jade kissed my cheek and held me closely. After the long, long day I'd had, non-stop interviews and meetings, my entire body was aching. Being with Jade was my only solace.

"I would really appreciate it if you'd stop working you know?" Jade suggested for about the millionth time. "You don't need to."

"I do.. the album promotion doesn't end until October." I argued back.

"That's after the due date hun. That's impossible." Jade shook her head.

"I know." I nodded, explaining further, "Thats why I've got to keep working now to make up for it."

"When are you going to take time off?" Jade sighed worriedly.

"Maybe a week before? I don't know, there's no timescale on this." I shrugged, feeling slightly exasperated. I was honestly just sick of talking about it.

"One week? You're giving yourself one week?" Jade sounded horrified.

"And then an entire year off work after the birth to look after her. I'm fine, she's fine, it's okay." I squeezed Jades hand reassuringly. She frowned not looking happy with me.

"When I first got out of Valewood, you told me-"

"I don't have an eating disorder, I'm just pregnant." I interrupted her before I even knew what she had to say.

"It doesn't matter, you're waring yourself out. You're tired and in pain and thats not good for her or you." Jade leant her forehead on my shoulder, kissing me gently "Please just stop."

I sighed placing a hand on her cheek reassuringly. "I'll think about it."

* * *

08/08/2022.

Turns out Jade was right and I really did need to slow down. I was actually just singing and playing piano in a studio interview when I started feeling pain in my lower back and stomach. It was dull and achey at first but once I left the stage I crippled over in agony. Obviously an ambulance was called and I was rushed into hospital and I've never been more scared in my life. I felt so guilty for putting our baby in danger by working myself too hard and knew I'd never forgive myself if I'd jeopardised her life.

Jade rushed in to my room at the hospital and the second I saw her I burst into tears. Jade was amazing though. She hugged me telling me everything would be okay and to stop worrying about it and to just relax. I was given an emergency ultrasound and attached to a fetal monitor but luckily everything was okay. It was just stress combined with braxton-hicks contractions but the doctors did decide to put me on bed rest until my water breaks.

And thats where I've been for the past sixteen days. Jade works from home anyway but she's cancelled everything she usually does in order to look after me. The only thing I'm insisting she still does is her regular therapy because having a baby and a wife of bed rest is stressful. The last thing any of us need is a relapse right now although I don't doubt our amazing family and friends would come to our rescue if the worst did come to the worst.

Beck's been over quite a lot helping us both out. It was actually when he was over, keeping me company two days ago that he gave me the idea for a name. Jade was out at the shops and me and him were playing monopoly in bed.

"And that's me getting the sixth hotel." Beck smirked, placing a plastic hotel on yet another red space.

"This isn't fair!" I exclaimed "I'm sure theres a rule somewhere that says you have to let the eight month pregnant lady win."

"I must have missed that one." Beck shrugged, handing me the dice. I rolled and somehow landed on 'Go to Jail.' for the third time that game.

"Unlucky Tor." Beck smirked.

"You are doing a bad job of keeping my spirits up!" I folded my arms, half joking and half genuinely moody. I was already sick of being in bed.

"Hey when my Aunt Liv was pregnant, she was on bed rest the whole nine months and Jade and I used to do plays for her. I'm sure that could be arranged." Beck offered making me giggle.

"Ha! I'd love that." I replied truthfully.

"Well, get Jade in a good mood we can do a short staging of Rent. I'll be all four guys, she'll be all four girls." Beck grinned.

"Is that what you did for Jade's Mom?" I laughed.

"Ermm I think we did Toy Story actually." Beck smiled, "Olivia liked it anyway."

I smiled back. I love hearing any stories that involved Jades Mom because everyone really seemed to adore her. I never met her but I was certain she must have been one of the funnest, nicest, sweetest people ever and she gave me Jade which means I owe her a lot. And that's when it hit me. The name.

It wasn't until an hour later that I head Jade get back. Beck had already left so it was the perfect opportunity to bring up the subject of our daughters name.

"Jade?" I called down the stairs.

"Hey." Jade called back, "Are you okay, I'm just putting the shopping away?"

"Yeah I'm fine don't worry." I replied. "But come here when you get a moment." She didn't take long unloading the shopping and was sitting next to me on the bed within the next five minutes. I was nervous about this. It could go one of two ways.

"Okay you're either going to love this idea or hate it." I began the conversation cautiously. Jade blinked not giving anything away just yet. She just seemed curious.

"How about Olivia?" I asked, quietly hopeful. I'd been having images of us with a baby called Olivia since I thought of it. Livi for short. It was perfect.

"What do you mean?" Jade frowned.

"For the name. We could call her Olivia. It's a beautiful name and would be honouring a beautiful person." I explained. Jade kept her face neutral for the moment, just processing I think.

"If you're not comfortable with it or it just makes you feel sad then say, we can completely forget I suggested it." I continued sensitively. Jade was very quiet but after a few more seconds I saw the start of a smile cross her cheeks.

"I think.. that would be the perfect name." Jade smiled at me. I breathed a sigh of relief as she hugged me and seemed excited about it. She bent down and kissed me just below my belly button.

"Hi Olivia." Jade placed a hand on my tummy, feeling the little kicks of our daughter. "Do you like your name?"

"I think she definitely does." I replied intertwining my fingers with hers. "But what about her middle name?"

"Well since my Mom's getting a mention.. what about your Mom?" Jade suggested.

"Olivia Caroline?" I said for the first time ever, rubbing my stomach. Something about that combination of names felt very, very right. I felt teary as I wrapped my arms around Jade and cuddled up to her as much as I could at eight months along. Olivia might just be that missing piece in Jades life and in some ways mine. I hope so.

* * *

11/08/2022.

_Hi Tori's super secret diary. Tori's still asleep after her excruciating twelve hour labor so it's the wife here and also the newest edition to the family, little Olivia Caroline to update you on everything that's happened._

_Tori went into labor in the middle of the night. It was a bit of a shock for both of us to be honest because we weren't really expecting it to happen so suddenly but after a couple of contractions we knew it was the real deal. Luckily we'd both read so many books about this so we knew we had time before we went to hospital so we just relaxed at home. I helped her shower and eventually when the contractions were getting closer and closer together I drove her here. _

_It was then that things started to get hard for her. She did use some painkillers but opted out of the epidural which was an interesting decision considering she only had me for support and me being the terrible birth partner I am, am unable to offer hand support due to brittle bones blah, blah… Luckily she wasn't too bad at the hand squeezing thing and I helped by being the official ice chip giver and back massager._

_Our daughter was born at 3.22pm and weighed exactly 8lbs. She's absolutely the most beautiful baby in the world, I can't stop staring at her and she does the funniest little pouty face at times. She's got a tiny amount of dark brown hair and at the moment, big blue eyes although that might change over the next few weeks. I don't really feel like she's mine yet, it's going to take a few days for it to sink in I think but I do know that I love her a lot. And I love Tori a lot for going through that for us._

_So far only the grandparents have been allowed to visit. Tori's parents and my Dad were here to meet her as soon as Tori was all cleaned up and everything and they all gave her a cuddle whilst I cuddled T and took care of her. We're not having any other visitors until we get back home which is looking likely to be tomorrow as long as they're both doing okay by then. So far everyone has called me wanting to meet her and I get the feeling this little miss wants to meet all her family too. Sam and Charlie are completely excited and Jenn cried when I told her she'd been born. Everyones gonna love her to pieces! Ugh I've turned into a mush. I can't help it. I'm sleep deprived and Olivia is just melting my heart a little bit._

_I'm so proud of you baby, for our daughter, for everything. I love you and I love her and I just know you're going to be a the best Mommy ever. Thank you for all that you've done for me in my life. I'll always remember that day you spied on me in the gym as the day you saved me. I just don't have the words to describe how much I love you and will continue to do that for the rest of my life. And now we have Olivia, we're complete._

_If for any reason you're worried about me I just want to say, you don't need to be. I'm determined to be a good Mom to Olivia and that means staying out of hospital and setting a better example. I'm going to make sure she grows up loving herself and knowing she's beautiful no matter what size she is and keep her healthy and whole. I guess I should take my own advice on that too huh? _

_The journey to get here hasn't been an easy one but I have a feeling we're all going to be okay. The future is uncertain and nobody knows what's going to happen, good or bad. But we just have to do our best to live in it even when it hurts. And we all need to stop worrying about missing out on things, worrying is a waste of time. We owe it to ourselves to take care of our bodies. By sleeping in on a sunday, taking that extra hour to eat dinner, or having a duvet day when you really should be doing something else. Or even just closing our eyes for a moment to remember to slow down, to remember what's really important._

_I love you, Jade. x_

* * *

**The end.**

**Thank you so much for reading even though in the end there is no real end. Jade still suffers with the eating disorder and probably always will. She fights it though and that's what's important. ****Let me know what you thought :) ****I'll really miss writing this. x x**


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